Chapter Seven: Saydie
Chapter Seven: Saydie
‘Once upon a time there was a very pretty girl who lived in a box and everybody loved her.’
-Gia
Chaim played absently with the food on his plate. It was a dark, overcast day and everyone was grumpy. He sat in the cafeteria with the rest of the Cliffhangers eating breakfast, but almost the entire time was staring across the room at another table. Mike and Saydie were River Riders, and they sat at a table with their group. They were laughing at something and he was jealous. Beside him, Scott snapped his fingers in front of his face.
“Wake up, man.” Beside him Auggie chuckled. Chaim snapped his head around to look at Scott, and then went back to picking at his food. “You’ve been zoned all day, what’s up with you?” Scott asked. Chaim shrugged, but didn’t answer.
“He’s jonesed, man,” Auggie laughed. “He’s been staring at that fine thing across the room over there all morning.”
“Shut up, man,” Chaim growled. Bad enough Mike was hogging her, he didn’t need Auggie to start in on it too. He hadn’t been at the school very long at all, but he already didn’t like Auggie. It worked out fine, though - Auggie didn’t like him either.
“So it is her,” Auggie taunted, “pretty isn’t she, ‘Chamie’” he mocked the other boy’s name. Chaim balled up his fists on the table, but didn’t say anything. Auggie saw and smiled in satisfaction. “You want to know what I heard?” he continued. Scott shook his head, already not liking the situation.
“Nobody wants to know what you heard, Aug,” he muttered. “And it’s Ha-yim,” he added, emphasizing the ‘H’ correctly. Chaim shot a look at Scott, one that was trying to be grateful, but he was just too angry to get it across.
“They say she got this reputation back at her old school,” Auggie went on, ignoring Scott completely.
“Shut up, Aug,” Scott warned him. Auggie smiled.
“Yeah, they say she was the school sl-” Auggie never finished the sentence as Chaim had jumped up and overturned the table, covering everyone in breakfast. Auggie got to his feet and began taunting Chaim. “Oh, you wanna go? Come on, man, bring it!” Chaim circled around the table, facing Auggie and balling his fists in front of his face. He was actually a pretty bad fighter, but he wouldn’t let anyone talk about her like that. He didn’t even know why it was so important, but it was.
Auggie swung first and Chaim ducked, punching Auggie in the stomach. The other students had gotten up, and were divided between those trying to break them up and those cheering them on. The entire room was watching them, including the object of the fight over at the River Rider table.
Chaim wrestled the considerably smaller guy to the ground, but while he was busy trying to pin him down, Auggie was landing punch after punch on him. Chaim just managed to get the upper hand when he felt himself being forcibly pulled off of him.
“That’s enough!” Peter shouted, restraining him as Roger came and picked a struggling Auggie up off the floor. “Just calm down, man,” Peter shouted, pulling Chaim’s arms behind his back, “calm down.” He nodded over at Roger who had Auggie restrained. The two Counsellors dragged the boys out separate doors and into the cool air.
“Would you mind explaining what that was about?” Peter asked as he forced Chaim to walk it off. He shook his head, still breathing hard, and Peter shrugged.
“Well then I guess its Shuns for a week,” he said cooly. Chaim frowned at him.
“Is that supposed to scare me?” he asked insolently. “What are ‘Shuns’?” Peter smiled, but didn’t look at him.
“The most boring week you’ll ever experience,” he answered, almost smugly. “No talking or otherwise interacting with anyone for an entire week. The only way you can communicate is by writing, and everyone is instructed not to speak to you or listen if you speak to them.” Chaim listened, then scoffed at him.
“Or else what?”
“You don’t want to know the ‘or else’.” Peter smiled slightly and Chaim rolled his eyes again. Stupid mind games.
“Look, it was his fault anyway,” he said, hoping to avoid punishment, no matter how lame it sounded.
“Progress,” Peter nodded, “tell me what happened and I’ll only confine you to cabin for the rest of the day and forget about Shuns.” Chaim stopped walking and sighed, only then noticing that they’d been walking towards the cabins the entire time.
“He was...” he sighed and scuffed his shoe. “He was insulting Saydie,” he said, wincing. Now, after most of the anger had worn off, it even sounded stupid to him.
“What did he say about her?” Peter asked calmly. Chaim shifted from one foot to the other, nervous.
“He said...he said that at her other school she was a...” he grimaced, but wouldn’t finish the thought. Peter nodded and patted the boy on the shoulder.
“Okay,” he said, turning him towards the cabin. “You stay here until we come for you for lunch. I’ll go talk to Auggie and see what I can do about this.” He watched the boy for a second when he didn’t move. “Go,” he told him, gesturing to the cabin. Chaim made a move to leave, but then stopped.
“So that’s it?” he asked in disbelief. “You’re not going to punish me or anything?” He didn’t understand how he’d gotten off so easy after punching another student. Peter frowned at him.
“Do you want me to punish you?” he asked skeptically. “Just...stay in your cabin. I’ll handle it from here.”
Peter walked back to the Main Lodge where he knew Roger was waiting with Auggie in his office. It had started to rain in the way there, adding to the already miserable feel of the day. It wasn’t just the students; even the counselors were somewhat grumpy because of the dreary weather.
He was hoping to get this situation resolved quickly, as no doubt word of the incident had already begun spreading around campus like wildfire. At the moment he didn’t know who to believe, but he would soon hear Auggie’s side of it. He sighed as he thought about it. Ever since Auggie had been admitted, he was always getting into fights. He’d thought they’d made some significant progress with his anger problem after he’d been diagnosed as a Dyslexic, but this new fight seemed to cast doubt on that. He turned into his office and saw both Roger and Auggie sitting on his couch waiting for him.
“Auggie,” he said as he entered. The boy seemed somewhat embarrassed, and Peter took that as a good sign. At least he wasn’t still angry. He pulled a chair closer to the couch and sat, sighing a little as he looked at the boy. “You want to tell me your side of it?” he asked calmly. Auggie looked over at Roger and then back at Peter with a sigh.
“What’s the point? You already think it was my fault.” His voice sounded sad, as if already resigned to whatever punishment he’d imagined for himself, and Peter began to doubt his earlier assumption.
“Nobody said that,” he tried to reassure him, “I just want to know what happened.” Auggie seemed about to say something, then sighed again.
“It was stupid,” he said, shaking his head. Peter sat back again, looking the boy over.
“Stupid enough to fight over?” Auggie sat up at the words.
“Yo, he started it!” he shot back. Peter put up his hands.
“Calm down, Auggie,” he told him. “Just…tell me what happened. From the beginning,” he added quickly. Auggie sat back again and shrugged.
“I don’t know,” he mumbled, “we were just talking and he blew up at me,” he said. “That guy’s mental.”
“What were you talking about?” Peter asked, happy to finally be getting somewhere. He’d already gathered this much from Chaim. Auggie shrugged again, and Peter knew him well enough to know that it was his way of trying to avoid the subject. “Auggie, if something you said upset him…”
“I was just joking around about some girl he was looking at,” he said finally. “And he just jumped me. I didn’t start nothing.” Peter nodded, glancing up at Roger and then back at Auggie.
“What did you say about her?” he asked tiredly, already not liking where this was going. Auggie shrugged again.
“Just some stuff I heard when she got here, you know? Gossip and stuff. About why she’s here.” Peter shook her head.
“Auggie, whether it’s true or not, you know the rules. No joking or announcing another student’s problems to anyone else. How would you like it if someone announced to everyone that you’re dyslexic? It’s hurtful.” Auggie sighed and nodded slightly.
“Sorry,” he said grudgingly. “I was just having some fun…” He stopped when Peter held up a hand at him.
“It’s never funny to make light of someone else’s problems, Aug.” He sat back and sighed, looking again at Roger and then back at Auggie. “Cabin confinement,” he said. Auggie sighed in protest. “Chaim’s already in the Cliffhanger dorm, so I’ll send you to the Tracker’s cabin for the day. I’ll let their counselor know you’re coming.” They stood and Roger ushered the boy out of the room. He knew it was only a temporary solution; he’d have them talk it over when they’d both cooled off. He picked up the phone on his desk and dialed the number for the Trackers’ Counselor.
Chaim had done as he was told, but soon found out that seclusion might as well have been Shuns. With nothing to do and no one to talk to it really did feel like a punishment. He slept off and on, and read one of the textbooks he’d been given for History class, which only bored him that much more. After a while, he found a ball on Scott’s night table and amused himself by bouncing it off the walls. Nearly two hours passed, alone in the deafening silence. Just when he thought he’d go insane from boredom, the door opened. He looked up eagerly, hoping perhaps someone had come to release him from this prison. “Isn’t a little early for lunch?” he asked playfully, expecting to see Peter poke his head around the door. But it wasn’t Peter.
It was Saydie.
“Hi,” she said quietly. She stood nervously at the door for a moment, watching him, judging him, he thought. She walked slowly and carefully over to him and crouched on the floor, peering at him like a curious kitten. He found her whole demeanor endearing; it was as if she had somehow remained innocently curious, even after everything he guessed she’d been through to get her here. It immediately made him want to protect her, but from what, he didn’t know. Instead, he smiled at her.
“I thought...the other day,” he laughed in embarrassment and she smiled slightly. “I thought I’d scared you off,” he said tentatively, as if she would bolt at any sudden movement. She shook her head, tousling her flame-red hair. He couldn’t tell if it was dyed or not.
“No,” she said, settling cross-legged on the floor in front of him. She peered at him closely, as if trying to read his mind. “You’re different,” she observed. He couldn’t help but laugh at the way she’d said it.
“Yeah, I’m different, all right,” he said, taking her comment as a joke. His smile faded slightly when he saw that she was serious. He suddenly remembered the conversation the day before and his eyes flew again to her arm, spying the white bandage poking out just past the cuff. “I mean...well, I think I understand,” he said softly, his eyes not leaving her wrist. She pulled back her sleeve, showing him the bandage covering the gashes he knew were just underneath.
“Different like me?” she asked him softly, her sky-blue eyes searching his. “Did you try to die too?” Her question caught him off guard and he nodded slowly, as if she’d somehow cast a spell on him.
“Why do you think I’m here?” he asked dumbly. He looked down at his own hands and then up at her again. “I’ve been shooting heroin since I was fourteen,” he confessed, surprised at himself. Not even his parents knew how long he’d been using. “A few times I took too much and almost died - most of the times I’d wanted to die.” He shrugged, as if wanting to die was something normal, and slid back his own sleeve. “These were just for fun though,” he said nonchalantly. Well, it wasn’t entirely true, but he hadn’t been trying to kill himself. He studied his handiwork in a detached sort of way - each cut was neatly parallel to the first, starting at his wrist and moving half way down his forearm. Like tree rings, he thought, only instead of growth, they showed the progression of pain. He even clearly remembered making a few of them. Saydie touched his scars lightly with her fingers and hummed.
“But the scars remind us that the past is real,” she sang, as if reading his mind. He thought perhaps she had. He placed his other hand on top of hers, only then realizing how close they were.
“And the pain reminds us that we’re still alive,” he whispered sadly.
“We’re the same,” she said, nodding slowly at her own statement. She wrapped her fingers around his hands and looked up at him. “A girl told me that we’re all the same because we’re all messed up, but I didn’t believe her. I’m too different from everyone else...but not from you.” she smiled sadly, sheepishly. “Do you miss your addictions too?” Chaim smiled coyly at her.
“You say that like they’re gone,” he whispered, leaning in closer. “You know, I’m addicted to more than just drugs,” he said softly. He didn’t think, didn’t even breathe, he just kissed her. He couldn’t help himself - it was what he always did when he met someone he liked, and they’d always liked him back. Saydie seemed to also and, while surprised at first, she kissed him back.
He gently pushed her to the floor, and she let him. He didn’t know how far he would go, since they didn’t have much privacy here...someone could walk in on them at any minute. Suddenly, he felt something wet touch his hand and he pulled back, seeing tears sliding down her cheeks. A sudden and violent wave of guilt hit him at the sight of her crying, and he felt his own eyes mist over, unbidden.
“What’s wrong?” he asked softly, one hand gently supporting her head and the other caressing her face. He wiped away the steady stream of tears with his thumb as she looked up at him, trying to tell him something but unable to speak.
It was in this rather compromising position that Peter found them. He’d come to speak with Chaim about his talk with Auggie, but instead found the two of them on the floor, Chaim leaning over a weeping Saydie. He sighed slightly, embarrassed for them.
“Everything okay in here?” he asked quietly, watching the two leap to their feet. Chaim stood protectively in front of Saydie, who was wiping her eyes with her bandaged wrist.
“We’re, uhh…we’re fine,” Chaim stammered, his eyes locked with Peter’s, wondering what terrible conclusions the Counsellor had drawn. He heard Saydie whimpering behind him and his heart lurched as she brushed passed him.
“I have to go,” she muttered, brushing past Peter also. Peter tried to grab her as she flew by but she wriggled out of his grasp and ran out of the cabin.
Chaim and Peter stood there, eyes locked for what seemed like hours before he too brushed past the Counsellor after Saydie.
Once outside, he had no trouble finding her. It was pouring rain, but she had collapsed to her knees on the soaking wet grass regardless, not caring how wet she was getting. Mike was standing over her, trying to talk with her, but she was screaming, doubled over as if in pain. “They’re all going to know!” Chaim heard her shout as he approached. He could barely see her in the downpour. He knew Peter wasn’t far behind him, but he didn’t care - he had to get to her. “I didn’t want anyone to know!” Chaim knelt in front of her, soaking his own knees but careful not to touch her. Guilt was eating him up inside, and watching her this way was only making it worse.
“I’m sorry,” he said desperately, hoping she was listening, or could even hear him through her tears. “Saydie I’m sorry, please…I didn’t mean…”
“I didn’t want anyone to know,” she repeated, hiccupping from crying so hard. “Everyone will know! Make it stop!”
Chaim felt completely helpless. He hated himself, hated the situation. Everything he did always ended up in disaster, as if the only real talent he had was for destroying anything good he may have going for him. He looked up for help, and he saw Mike staring stonily back at him, his eyes shooting angry daggers at him. Chaim understood; he’d caused her pain - it was unforgivable. He didn’t need anyone else to tell him that.
He realized in that moment, like a lightening bolt to the brain, that he really did care about her.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated, looking back at her, not noticing that he was now crying too. “I didn’t mean to, it just…happened. Please forgive me, please!” Saydie fell forward onto his chest, gasping and crying and clinging to him, while he hesitantly wrapped his arms around her.
“Please,” she whispered, clawing at his shirt and holding on to him like a life-preserver, “please make it stop.” Chaim tightened his hold on her, rocking her back and forth as the rain continued to pound on them, repeating to her over and over again that he was sorry, that he’d never meant to hurt her. He felt her bury her face in his now soaked shirt and wail. “I’m no good,” she whimpered, “get out while you still can!”
“No,” he begged her. Her words had cut into him more sharply than any blade he’d ever taken to himself. He held her tighter, unwilling to let her go. “No, I’ll never…”
“I can’t do this to you,” she cried, pulling away from him. “You don’t want me…I’m too gone…” She stood and stepped away from him, looking between him and Mike and then turned and bolted into the woods. Chaim looked up at Mike, angry and terrified. Peter was just coming up beside him when Chaim also bolted into the woods, trying to catch Saydie before she did what he feared she might.
‘Once upon a time there was a very pretty girl who lived in a box and everybody loved her.’
-Gia
Chaim played absently with the food on his plate. It was a dark, overcast day and everyone was grumpy. He sat in the cafeteria with the rest of the Cliffhangers eating breakfast, but almost the entire time was staring across the room at another table. Mike and Saydie were River Riders, and they sat at a table with their group. They were laughing at something and he was jealous. Beside him, Scott snapped his fingers in front of his face.
“Wake up, man.” Beside him Auggie chuckled. Chaim snapped his head around to look at Scott, and then went back to picking at his food. “You’ve been zoned all day, what’s up with you?” Scott asked. Chaim shrugged, but didn’t answer.
“He’s jonesed, man,” Auggie laughed. “He’s been staring at that fine thing across the room over there all morning.”
“Shut up, man,” Chaim growled. Bad enough Mike was hogging her, he didn’t need Auggie to start in on it too. He hadn’t been at the school very long at all, but he already didn’t like Auggie. It worked out fine, though - Auggie didn’t like him either.
“So it is her,” Auggie taunted, “pretty isn’t she, ‘Chamie’” he mocked the other boy’s name. Chaim balled up his fists on the table, but didn’t say anything. Auggie saw and smiled in satisfaction. “You want to know what I heard?” he continued. Scott shook his head, already not liking the situation.
“Nobody wants to know what you heard, Aug,” he muttered. “And it’s Ha-yim,” he added, emphasizing the ‘H’ correctly. Chaim shot a look at Scott, one that was trying to be grateful, but he was just too angry to get it across.
“They say she got this reputation back at her old school,” Auggie went on, ignoring Scott completely.
“Shut up, Aug,” Scott warned him. Auggie smiled.
“Yeah, they say she was the school sl-” Auggie never finished the sentence as Chaim had jumped up and overturned the table, covering everyone in breakfast. Auggie got to his feet and began taunting Chaim. “Oh, you wanna go? Come on, man, bring it!” Chaim circled around the table, facing Auggie and balling his fists in front of his face. He was actually a pretty bad fighter, but he wouldn’t let anyone talk about her like that. He didn’t even know why it was so important, but it was.
Auggie swung first and Chaim ducked, punching Auggie in the stomach. The other students had gotten up, and were divided between those trying to break them up and those cheering them on. The entire room was watching them, including the object of the fight over at the River Rider table.
Chaim wrestled the considerably smaller guy to the ground, but while he was busy trying to pin him down, Auggie was landing punch after punch on him. Chaim just managed to get the upper hand when he felt himself being forcibly pulled off of him.
“That’s enough!” Peter shouted, restraining him as Roger came and picked a struggling Auggie up off the floor. “Just calm down, man,” Peter shouted, pulling Chaim’s arms behind his back, “calm down.” He nodded over at Roger who had Auggie restrained. The two Counsellors dragged the boys out separate doors and into the cool air.
“Would you mind explaining what that was about?” Peter asked as he forced Chaim to walk it off. He shook his head, still breathing hard, and Peter shrugged.
“Well then I guess its Shuns for a week,” he said cooly. Chaim frowned at him.
“Is that supposed to scare me?” he asked insolently. “What are ‘Shuns’?” Peter smiled, but didn’t look at him.
“The most boring week you’ll ever experience,” he answered, almost smugly. “No talking or otherwise interacting with anyone for an entire week. The only way you can communicate is by writing, and everyone is instructed not to speak to you or listen if you speak to them.” Chaim listened, then scoffed at him.
“Or else what?”
“You don’t want to know the ‘or else’.” Peter smiled slightly and Chaim rolled his eyes again. Stupid mind games.
“Look, it was his fault anyway,” he said, hoping to avoid punishment, no matter how lame it sounded.
“Progress,” Peter nodded, “tell me what happened and I’ll only confine you to cabin for the rest of the day and forget about Shuns.” Chaim stopped walking and sighed, only then noticing that they’d been walking towards the cabins the entire time.
“He was...” he sighed and scuffed his shoe. “He was insulting Saydie,” he said, wincing. Now, after most of the anger had worn off, it even sounded stupid to him.
“What did he say about her?” Peter asked calmly. Chaim shifted from one foot to the other, nervous.
“He said...he said that at her other school she was a...” he grimaced, but wouldn’t finish the thought. Peter nodded and patted the boy on the shoulder.
“Okay,” he said, turning him towards the cabin. “You stay here until we come for you for lunch. I’ll go talk to Auggie and see what I can do about this.” He watched the boy for a second when he didn’t move. “Go,” he told him, gesturing to the cabin. Chaim made a move to leave, but then stopped.
“So that’s it?” he asked in disbelief. “You’re not going to punish me or anything?” He didn’t understand how he’d gotten off so easy after punching another student. Peter frowned at him.
“Do you want me to punish you?” he asked skeptically. “Just...stay in your cabin. I’ll handle it from here.”
Peter walked back to the Main Lodge where he knew Roger was waiting with Auggie in his office. It had started to rain in the way there, adding to the already miserable feel of the day. It wasn’t just the students; even the counselors were somewhat grumpy because of the dreary weather.
He was hoping to get this situation resolved quickly, as no doubt word of the incident had already begun spreading around campus like wildfire. At the moment he didn’t know who to believe, but he would soon hear Auggie’s side of it. He sighed as he thought about it. Ever since Auggie had been admitted, he was always getting into fights. He’d thought they’d made some significant progress with his anger problem after he’d been diagnosed as a Dyslexic, but this new fight seemed to cast doubt on that. He turned into his office and saw both Roger and Auggie sitting on his couch waiting for him.
“Auggie,” he said as he entered. The boy seemed somewhat embarrassed, and Peter took that as a good sign. At least he wasn’t still angry. He pulled a chair closer to the couch and sat, sighing a little as he looked at the boy. “You want to tell me your side of it?” he asked calmly. Auggie looked over at Roger and then back at Peter with a sigh.
“What’s the point? You already think it was my fault.” His voice sounded sad, as if already resigned to whatever punishment he’d imagined for himself, and Peter began to doubt his earlier assumption.
“Nobody said that,” he tried to reassure him, “I just want to know what happened.” Auggie seemed about to say something, then sighed again.
“It was stupid,” he said, shaking his head. Peter sat back again, looking the boy over.
“Stupid enough to fight over?” Auggie sat up at the words.
“Yo, he started it!” he shot back. Peter put up his hands.
“Calm down, Auggie,” he told him. “Just…tell me what happened. From the beginning,” he added quickly. Auggie sat back again and shrugged.
“I don’t know,” he mumbled, “we were just talking and he blew up at me,” he said. “That guy’s mental.”
“What were you talking about?” Peter asked, happy to finally be getting somewhere. He’d already gathered this much from Chaim. Auggie shrugged again, and Peter knew him well enough to know that it was his way of trying to avoid the subject. “Auggie, if something you said upset him…”
“I was just joking around about some girl he was looking at,” he said finally. “And he just jumped me. I didn’t start nothing.” Peter nodded, glancing up at Roger and then back at Auggie.
“What did you say about her?” he asked tiredly, already not liking where this was going. Auggie shrugged again.
“Just some stuff I heard when she got here, you know? Gossip and stuff. About why she’s here.” Peter shook her head.
“Auggie, whether it’s true or not, you know the rules. No joking or announcing another student’s problems to anyone else. How would you like it if someone announced to everyone that you’re dyslexic? It’s hurtful.” Auggie sighed and nodded slightly.
“Sorry,” he said grudgingly. “I was just having some fun…” He stopped when Peter held up a hand at him.
“It’s never funny to make light of someone else’s problems, Aug.” He sat back and sighed, looking again at Roger and then back at Auggie. “Cabin confinement,” he said. Auggie sighed in protest. “Chaim’s already in the Cliffhanger dorm, so I’ll send you to the Tracker’s cabin for the day. I’ll let their counselor know you’re coming.” They stood and Roger ushered the boy out of the room. He knew it was only a temporary solution; he’d have them talk it over when they’d both cooled off. He picked up the phone on his desk and dialed the number for the Trackers’ Counselor.
Chaim had done as he was told, but soon found out that seclusion might as well have been Shuns. With nothing to do and no one to talk to it really did feel like a punishment. He slept off and on, and read one of the textbooks he’d been given for History class, which only bored him that much more. After a while, he found a ball on Scott’s night table and amused himself by bouncing it off the walls. Nearly two hours passed, alone in the deafening silence. Just when he thought he’d go insane from boredom, the door opened. He looked up eagerly, hoping perhaps someone had come to release him from this prison. “Isn’t a little early for lunch?” he asked playfully, expecting to see Peter poke his head around the door. But it wasn’t Peter.
It was Saydie.
“Hi,” she said quietly. She stood nervously at the door for a moment, watching him, judging him, he thought. She walked slowly and carefully over to him and crouched on the floor, peering at him like a curious kitten. He found her whole demeanor endearing; it was as if she had somehow remained innocently curious, even after everything he guessed she’d been through to get her here. It immediately made him want to protect her, but from what, he didn’t know. Instead, he smiled at her.
“I thought...the other day,” he laughed in embarrassment and she smiled slightly. “I thought I’d scared you off,” he said tentatively, as if she would bolt at any sudden movement. She shook her head, tousling her flame-red hair. He couldn’t tell if it was dyed or not.
“No,” she said, settling cross-legged on the floor in front of him. She peered at him closely, as if trying to read his mind. “You’re different,” she observed. He couldn’t help but laugh at the way she’d said it.
“Yeah, I’m different, all right,” he said, taking her comment as a joke. His smile faded slightly when he saw that she was serious. He suddenly remembered the conversation the day before and his eyes flew again to her arm, spying the white bandage poking out just past the cuff. “I mean...well, I think I understand,” he said softly, his eyes not leaving her wrist. She pulled back her sleeve, showing him the bandage covering the gashes he knew were just underneath.
“Different like me?” she asked him softly, her sky-blue eyes searching his. “Did you try to die too?” Her question caught him off guard and he nodded slowly, as if she’d somehow cast a spell on him.
“Why do you think I’m here?” he asked dumbly. He looked down at his own hands and then up at her again. “I’ve been shooting heroin since I was fourteen,” he confessed, surprised at himself. Not even his parents knew how long he’d been using. “A few times I took too much and almost died - most of the times I’d wanted to die.” He shrugged, as if wanting to die was something normal, and slid back his own sleeve. “These were just for fun though,” he said nonchalantly. Well, it wasn’t entirely true, but he hadn’t been trying to kill himself. He studied his handiwork in a detached sort of way - each cut was neatly parallel to the first, starting at his wrist and moving half way down his forearm. Like tree rings, he thought, only instead of growth, they showed the progression of pain. He even clearly remembered making a few of them. Saydie touched his scars lightly with her fingers and hummed.
“But the scars remind us that the past is real,” she sang, as if reading his mind. He thought perhaps she had. He placed his other hand on top of hers, only then realizing how close they were.
“And the pain reminds us that we’re still alive,” he whispered sadly.
“We’re the same,” she said, nodding slowly at her own statement. She wrapped her fingers around his hands and looked up at him. “A girl told me that we’re all the same because we’re all messed up, but I didn’t believe her. I’m too different from everyone else...but not from you.” she smiled sadly, sheepishly. “Do you miss your addictions too?” Chaim smiled coyly at her.
“You say that like they’re gone,” he whispered, leaning in closer. “You know, I’m addicted to more than just drugs,” he said softly. He didn’t think, didn’t even breathe, he just kissed her. He couldn’t help himself - it was what he always did when he met someone he liked, and they’d always liked him back. Saydie seemed to also and, while surprised at first, she kissed him back.
He gently pushed her to the floor, and she let him. He didn’t know how far he would go, since they didn’t have much privacy here...someone could walk in on them at any minute. Suddenly, he felt something wet touch his hand and he pulled back, seeing tears sliding down her cheeks. A sudden and violent wave of guilt hit him at the sight of her crying, and he felt his own eyes mist over, unbidden.
“What’s wrong?” he asked softly, one hand gently supporting her head and the other caressing her face. He wiped away the steady stream of tears with his thumb as she looked up at him, trying to tell him something but unable to speak.
It was in this rather compromising position that Peter found them. He’d come to speak with Chaim about his talk with Auggie, but instead found the two of them on the floor, Chaim leaning over a weeping Saydie. He sighed slightly, embarrassed for them.
“Everything okay in here?” he asked quietly, watching the two leap to their feet. Chaim stood protectively in front of Saydie, who was wiping her eyes with her bandaged wrist.
“We’re, uhh…we’re fine,” Chaim stammered, his eyes locked with Peter’s, wondering what terrible conclusions the Counsellor had drawn. He heard Saydie whimpering behind him and his heart lurched as she brushed passed him.
“I have to go,” she muttered, brushing past Peter also. Peter tried to grab her as she flew by but she wriggled out of his grasp and ran out of the cabin.
Chaim and Peter stood there, eyes locked for what seemed like hours before he too brushed past the Counsellor after Saydie.
Once outside, he had no trouble finding her. It was pouring rain, but she had collapsed to her knees on the soaking wet grass regardless, not caring how wet she was getting. Mike was standing over her, trying to talk with her, but she was screaming, doubled over as if in pain. “They’re all going to know!” Chaim heard her shout as he approached. He could barely see her in the downpour. He knew Peter wasn’t far behind him, but he didn’t care - he had to get to her. “I didn’t want anyone to know!” Chaim knelt in front of her, soaking his own knees but careful not to touch her. Guilt was eating him up inside, and watching her this way was only making it worse.
“I’m sorry,” he said desperately, hoping she was listening, or could even hear him through her tears. “Saydie I’m sorry, please…I didn’t mean…”
“I didn’t want anyone to know,” she repeated, hiccupping from crying so hard. “Everyone will know! Make it stop!”
Chaim felt completely helpless. He hated himself, hated the situation. Everything he did always ended up in disaster, as if the only real talent he had was for destroying anything good he may have going for him. He looked up for help, and he saw Mike staring stonily back at him, his eyes shooting angry daggers at him. Chaim understood; he’d caused her pain - it was unforgivable. He didn’t need anyone else to tell him that.
He realized in that moment, like a lightening bolt to the brain, that he really did care about her.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated, looking back at her, not noticing that he was now crying too. “I didn’t mean to, it just…happened. Please forgive me, please!” Saydie fell forward onto his chest, gasping and crying and clinging to him, while he hesitantly wrapped his arms around her.
“Please,” she whispered, clawing at his shirt and holding on to him like a life-preserver, “please make it stop.” Chaim tightened his hold on her, rocking her back and forth as the rain continued to pound on them, repeating to her over and over again that he was sorry, that he’d never meant to hurt her. He felt her bury her face in his now soaked shirt and wail. “I’m no good,” she whimpered, “get out while you still can!”
“No,” he begged her. Her words had cut into him more sharply than any blade he’d ever taken to himself. He held her tighter, unwilling to let her go. “No, I’ll never…”
“I can’t do this to you,” she cried, pulling away from him. “You don’t want me…I’m too gone…” She stood and stepped away from him, looking between him and Mike and then turned and bolted into the woods. Chaim looked up at Mike, angry and terrified. Peter was just coming up beside him when Chaim also bolted into the woods, trying to catch Saydie before she did what he feared she might.