Drabble: Lost (follow up to Reunion)
They don't speak when they head back up to sit by the pool, just beeline for the sun loungers and settle on the reclined seats. Ric won’t admit it but he feels a sick sense of déjà vu. They were here when Mark refused his proposal and he can’t help but feel the twist in his gut tighten. The guests have all left and Mama Vivi is cajoling an excited three year old into her pyjamas ready for bed. Ric doesn’t envy his mother the task right now despite how much his heart feels ready to leap out of his chest and take a swan dive into the pool.
--
He swallowed, and boy did it hurt like hell, that lump wedged tightly in his throat. “What do you mean no?”
“Just no Julio. Get up off of the floor now, your Mama is watching from the kitchen window.” Mark hissed out his answer, staring down at Ric who had yet to move. It was moments like this, as Ric righted himself, that he wished he was taller than Mark and could do the whole looming over him routine but instead he had to look up at his... his... at Mark... and wonder where the hell they went from here.
“Tell me you are joking please.”
“I’m not.” The words are whispered.
“¿Qué es, qué pasa? Qué ocurre?”
“No puedo Julio.”
“¿Por qué? Es secreto? Una visión?”
“Si... una visión?.”
“What do I have to do to convince you? I’ll do anything, Mark. Anything you ask me to. Just don’t... just don’t say no.”
Mark’s forced smile dropped and he looked down at the ring held tightly in Ric’s hands. “There’s nothing you can say or do.”
--
“I owe you an explanation,” Mark finally says, wiping sweaty palms on his jeans. Ric nods, lets him talk. For as verbose as Martini can be, when it’s serious, he has a hard time getting out what he wants to say in sentences longer than three words. It’s a stress habit, when he gets overly agitated Mark’s speech patterns tend to break down into sentence fragments, sounding stunted and odd. So sometimes it’s just best to sit back and let him talk. “My Things told me not to.”
Ric settles, threading his fingers together and hanging them down between his knees, body turned towards Mark. This is how Mark does things. Random bursts of thought that sometimes links together. He’s accustom to how they work though, even time apart can’t dull the way Ric knows Mark like the back of his hand and vice versa.
“I got scared because of what... what my Things told me. What they showed me would happen.” Mark nods to himself as if that little push was what he needed to get started, “The vision. I got scared. I know that sounds like bullshit, but I think I loved you and Lucia too much. Claudia was planning on dredging up my past and if I had agreed to marry you... she’d found out stuff about my past. Things that were going to jeopardise the case and in the end she would have won. Lucia was going to end up in the custody of Claudia and it would have ended us.”
Mark isn’t making eye contact, his gaze settled somewhere on the horizon. “So when you asked me to marry you I did the only thing I could think of that wouldn’t make you want me, want to work it out. I needed to push you away so that I could - so, that you wouldn’t lose Lucia.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that then?”
“I know I should have told you Ric but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you that... that I was going to be the reason you lost your daughter.”
“So instead you just broke things off! Fuck, Mark. What the hell? You think I wanted to let you walk away like that!?”
“You were the one who told me that if I walked out that door I was to never come back.”
Ric's eyes burn. He can feel them welling up with tears. He turns away from Mark and balls his fists, bringing them up to his eyes, “I know. I shouldn’t have said that I just hated you so much. How you could break my heart? Leave me to pick up the pieces and... I didn’t want to let you go.”
Mark leans forward and snags Ric's wrist in his hand. He tugs Ric’s fists away from his eyes and rubs his thumb over the tanned taught skin, sighing softly. “I can’t change things that have happened but I can promise you I’m not going to leave, not going anywhere without you.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
The silence is comfortable, the great thing about their relationship is how they don’t always need to talk to understand what is going on between them. Sometimes it’s what is left unsaid that speaks volumes.
“You know it’s never going to be perfect right?” Mark asks suddenly, out of the blue, he’s looking right through and at Julio all at the same time. Waiting. Watching. Green eyes that see everything at once.
He can’t help it but Ric laughs. It’s the first time in awhile where they’ve managed to sit down together and just be honest. No need to tread on those eggshells they’ve been avoiding for the last few hours, days, weeks, months... “Mark, I don’t want it to be perfect. We didn’t pick each other because we wanted perfect and you know what Phe says about us. How we’re real because we don’t try to paper over the cracks... well not as much as we used to at least.”
Mark’s chewing on his lips, hands folded in his lap and a thumb running back and forth over those watches. He shakes his head like he’s lost. Actually he is lost, always lost somewhere in that head of his but sometimes... sometimes Ric can see Mark whole. “You make me feel,” he stops and laughs a little, “Man, I don’t even know how you make me feel.”
“Good I hope?” It’s a wistful smile.
“Oh yeah, better than good. And fucking awful too but just...”
Ric grasps Mark’s hands drawing them both up to his mouth, bringing Mark’s knuckles up to his lips for a kiss, “I make you feel better?”
Mark shakes his head again, fingers squeezing, “More. You make me feel alive. Like I’m grounded in the here and now.”
Ric can feel his skin flush as that admission, gaze faltering for a moment. He knows, not firsthand like Rogue, but he tries to understand that Mark lives in a perpetually shifting world where past, present and future filter in and out with warning. Knowing that he acts as some kind of anchor to the present... it’s better than those three little words that he thought were all that mattered in life.
“There was never any question about there being an ‘us’ was there? Kinda destined to be or some shit like that huh?” Ric murmurs the words against the cool metal of the watch straps and the warm skin of Mark’s wrist. “Mama Vivi always told me when you find the one there’s no escape.”
“Well I have to say she was right, I don’t think I had a choice,” Mark says around a smile, fingers flexing and reaching out to tangle in Julio’s hair.
“No.” Ric nods, he’s not about to give up Mark so easily this time; he can't do anything but smile until his jaw aches and before he can do anything more Mark crushes him against his chest, falling back and forcing Ric to sprawl across him. And they're kissing. It’s soft, slow, gentle, innocent, apologetic and pouring every ounce of promise and love into that simple gesture. “I really don’t think we ever did.”
There is a shriek of excitement and then suddenly a small body is squirming to clamber up beside them. Little fingers curling in Mark’s jeans and Ric’s shirt sleeve. Using them for leverage and forcing the boys to break their kiss and turn to peer at Lucia who is now kneeling on the lounger; grinning the same way Mark does when he has eaten far too many cookies and is on a sugar high.
And the pieces of this jigsaw slot finally back into place. For now, everything is as it should be because whatever happens Ric is going be lost without Mark in his life.
--
He swallowed, and boy did it hurt like hell, that lump wedged tightly in his throat. “What do you mean no?”
“Just no Julio. Get up off of the floor now, your Mama is watching from the kitchen window.” Mark hissed out his answer, staring down at Ric who had yet to move. It was moments like this, as Ric righted himself, that he wished he was taller than Mark and could do the whole looming over him routine but instead he had to look up at his... his... at Mark... and wonder where the hell they went from here.
“Tell me you are joking please.”
“I’m not.” The words are whispered.
“¿Qué es, qué pasa? Qué ocurre?”
“No puedo Julio.”
“¿Por qué? Es secreto? Una visión?”
“Si... una visión?.”
“What do I have to do to convince you? I’ll do anything, Mark. Anything you ask me to. Just don’t... just don’t say no.”
Mark’s forced smile dropped and he looked down at the ring held tightly in Ric’s hands. “There’s nothing you can say or do.”
--
“I owe you an explanation,” Mark finally says, wiping sweaty palms on his jeans. Ric nods, lets him talk. For as verbose as Martini can be, when it’s serious, he has a hard time getting out what he wants to say in sentences longer than three words. It’s a stress habit, when he gets overly agitated Mark’s speech patterns tend to break down into sentence fragments, sounding stunted and odd. So sometimes it’s just best to sit back and let him talk. “My Things told me not to.”
Ric settles, threading his fingers together and hanging them down between his knees, body turned towards Mark. This is how Mark does things. Random bursts of thought that sometimes links together. He’s accustom to how they work though, even time apart can’t dull the way Ric knows Mark like the back of his hand and vice versa.
“I got scared because of what... what my Things told me. What they showed me would happen.” Mark nods to himself as if that little push was what he needed to get started, “The vision. I got scared. I know that sounds like bullshit, but I think I loved you and Lucia too much. Claudia was planning on dredging up my past and if I had agreed to marry you... she’d found out stuff about my past. Things that were going to jeopardise the case and in the end she would have won. Lucia was going to end up in the custody of Claudia and it would have ended us.”
Mark isn’t making eye contact, his gaze settled somewhere on the horizon. “So when you asked me to marry you I did the only thing I could think of that wouldn’t make you want me, want to work it out. I needed to push you away so that I could - so, that you wouldn’t lose Lucia.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that then?”
“I know I should have told you Ric but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you that... that I was going to be the reason you lost your daughter.”
“So instead you just broke things off! Fuck, Mark. What the hell? You think I wanted to let you walk away like that!?”
“You were the one who told me that if I walked out that door I was to never come back.”
Ric's eyes burn. He can feel them welling up with tears. He turns away from Mark and balls his fists, bringing them up to his eyes, “I know. I shouldn’t have said that I just hated you so much. How you could break my heart? Leave me to pick up the pieces and... I didn’t want to let you go.”
Mark leans forward and snags Ric's wrist in his hand. He tugs Ric’s fists away from his eyes and rubs his thumb over the tanned taught skin, sighing softly. “I can’t change things that have happened but I can promise you I’m not going to leave, not going anywhere without you.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
The silence is comfortable, the great thing about their relationship is how they don’t always need to talk to understand what is going on between them. Sometimes it’s what is left unsaid that speaks volumes.
“You know it’s never going to be perfect right?” Mark asks suddenly, out of the blue, he’s looking right through and at Julio all at the same time. Waiting. Watching. Green eyes that see everything at once.
He can’t help it but Ric laughs. It’s the first time in awhile where they’ve managed to sit down together and just be honest. No need to tread on those eggshells they’ve been avoiding for the last few hours, days, weeks, months... “Mark, I don’t want it to be perfect. We didn’t pick each other because we wanted perfect and you know what Phe says about us. How we’re real because we don’t try to paper over the cracks... well not as much as we used to at least.”
Mark’s chewing on his lips, hands folded in his lap and a thumb running back and forth over those watches. He shakes his head like he’s lost. Actually he is lost, always lost somewhere in that head of his but sometimes... sometimes Ric can see Mark whole. “You make me feel,” he stops and laughs a little, “Man, I don’t even know how you make me feel.”
“Good I hope?” It’s a wistful smile.
“Oh yeah, better than good. And fucking awful too but just...”
Ric grasps Mark’s hands drawing them both up to his mouth, bringing Mark’s knuckles up to his lips for a kiss, “I make you feel better?”
Mark shakes his head again, fingers squeezing, “More. You make me feel alive. Like I’m grounded in the here and now.”
Ric can feel his skin flush as that admission, gaze faltering for a moment. He knows, not firsthand like Rogue, but he tries to understand that Mark lives in a perpetually shifting world where past, present and future filter in and out with warning. Knowing that he acts as some kind of anchor to the present... it’s better than those three little words that he thought were all that mattered in life.
“There was never any question about there being an ‘us’ was there? Kinda destined to be or some shit like that huh?” Ric murmurs the words against the cool metal of the watch straps and the warm skin of Mark’s wrist. “Mama Vivi always told me when you find the one there’s no escape.”
“Well I have to say she was right, I don’t think I had a choice,” Mark says around a smile, fingers flexing and reaching out to tangle in Julio’s hair.
“No.” Ric nods, he’s not about to give up Mark so easily this time; he can't do anything but smile until his jaw aches and before he can do anything more Mark crushes him against his chest, falling back and forcing Ric to sprawl across him. And they're kissing. It’s soft, slow, gentle, innocent, apologetic and pouring every ounce of promise and love into that simple gesture. “I really don’t think we ever did.”
There is a shriek of excitement and then suddenly a small body is squirming to clamber up beside them. Little fingers curling in Mark’s jeans and Ric’s shirt sleeve. Using them for leverage and forcing the boys to break their kiss and turn to peer at Lucia who is now kneeling on the lounger; grinning the same way Mark does when he has eaten far too many cookies and is on a sugar high.
And the pieces of this jigsaw slot finally back into place. For now, everything is as it should be because whatever happens Ric is going be lost without Mark in his life.