Fearless, or less fearful?
It has been a long time.
It is now 5:00 am in the morning and I have been up for about 23 hours or so. I worked all day, and then jumped in a car to take a breather from the life as a working geek in the Seattle/Redmond area and visit Walla Walla for the weekend.
It is not home any more. It never really was. I have outgrown it, and to be truthful it was childish of me to hang on to its comforting familiarity and the security that it brought for so long.
I guess that really was the point; I never really wanted to take real risks. Sure, it was nice to walk the streets late at night and "save" people before I drifted into the night like a super hero, the street lights flicking to the beat of my inner thoughts before I shifted back to geek mode and saved peoples digital worlds by day. But I was never able save myself by doing that. This town was too small, too constricting, and too safe. I was born here, but I also died here several times. I did so a little more each day.
I also dated a lot of women that I thought I was helping, saving, giving something special to. By being the kind of loving/caring guy I wanted to be, the kind of guy I thought they needed, I thought I could get the same in return. But instead I hurt us both by being so willing to give; they never really respected me because I never made them earn what I gave them. I was always just that nice guy who cared, did his best to help, and could always be counted on to try his best. I did not ask for anything in return, so it was not given. I was a door mat, and I gave people control out of the delusion that I was a knight in shining armor, ready to make all the Bad Things go away. I'm at fault for that.
Yet a part of that man still lives on. He wants to love, to be loved. He wants to protect, defend, to be everything needed. There is still a heart beating - softly - on his shoulder. But I guess he has grown a little, too.
I started planting seeds a few weeks back. I started making investments. I even started playing the stock market a little. It is very risky. The stock market is doing badly. I'm making money. Not much money, double digits only. It is not much after broker fees and taxes, but the math is fun. I'm learning. I'm not scared.
I wonder what next seasons crop will bring?
It is now 5:00 am in the morning and I have been up for about 23 hours or so. I worked all day, and then jumped in a car to take a breather from the life as a working geek in the Seattle/Redmond area and visit Walla Walla for the weekend.
It is not home any more. It never really was. I have outgrown it, and to be truthful it was childish of me to hang on to its comforting familiarity and the security that it brought for so long.
I guess that really was the point; I never really wanted to take real risks. Sure, it was nice to walk the streets late at night and "save" people before I drifted into the night like a super hero, the street lights flicking to the beat of my inner thoughts before I shifted back to geek mode and saved peoples digital worlds by day. But I was never able save myself by doing that. This town was too small, too constricting, and too safe. I was born here, but I also died here several times. I did so a little more each day.
I also dated a lot of women that I thought I was helping, saving, giving something special to. By being the kind of loving/caring guy I wanted to be, the kind of guy I thought they needed, I thought I could get the same in return. But instead I hurt us both by being so willing to give; they never really respected me because I never made them earn what I gave them. I was always just that nice guy who cared, did his best to help, and could always be counted on to try his best. I did not ask for anything in return, so it was not given. I was a door mat, and I gave people control out of the delusion that I was a knight in shining armor, ready to make all the Bad Things go away. I'm at fault for that.
Yet a part of that man still lives on. He wants to love, to be loved. He wants to protect, defend, to be everything needed. There is still a heart beating - softly - on his shoulder. But I guess he has grown a little, too.
I started planting seeds a few weeks back. I started making investments. I even started playing the stock market a little. It is very risky. The stock market is doing badly. I'm making money. Not much money, double digits only. It is not much after broker fees and taxes, but the math is fun. I'm learning. I'm not scared.
I wonder what next seasons crop will bring?