(no subject)
For some reason I feel compelled to write about this...
It turns out I'm not the nice person I used to think I was. Regarding my former relationship with Mark, I was impetuous, selfish, oblivious, immature, scared, mean, brutal. I could go on and on. I cheated on him many many times (according to his check: 20 times over the ~2 year period that our turbulent relationship barreled along). Mark and I were off and on so many times and it was all because of me. I still don't understand why I would try to end it-- part of me didn't want to keep hurting him as I saw that our relationship was disfunctional at most times, but he would almost always protest and he had me convinced that things were ok and I was happy to stay together. Sometimes we got back together because I would see him start to drift away and actually start to move on and whatever primal instincts in me told me that Mark and I were meant to be together. Another part of my ending it was that it's scary to actually find true love for the first time when you're 18 and new at it. And then there was the cheating. It's so embarrassing. Most of it consisted of me looking for sex online at craigslist. I even posted my own listing... with explicit photos of myself. It's hard to type that. Very ashamed. So I would meet people on the site around my age. The sex was never beyond oral and it was empty and meaningless. Initially when I would do this, I would tell Mark pretty soon after it. I felt like it was a good thing to get it out there and I always would tell him that it was just sex and I only loved him, as if that would solve everything. Like the kind soul/masochist that Mark can be (because his heart is true and because he loved me), he would just pass it off. It was very hard to know how he felt about it, but he definintely didn't make it seem like he was going to end it with me because of it. His reaction, mixed with plain boredom, ease of access and a little problem with impulsiveness that I have, the cheating persisted. Promises were made that I would stop and on 2 or 3 occassions Mark actually caught me still looking at craigslist and/or responding to ads. Love is strong but it buckles and breaks just like everything else. It's over now. I didn't really give Mark much of a choice but to abruptly end it. My going to Arizona was a catalyst for his plan and now we don't talk anymore. I don't intend to say how Mark should deal with any situation. People deal with things the way it works for them. I won't say that I prefer with his method but when I think of it, it's probably the smartest thing he could have done. Because his method is radically different than anything I would ever do, I resisted and called him and persisted-- probably because I was so used to us making up and having a good time. Oh yeah, there were good times too. How else could we have lasted as long as we did? Those times are something I hope he still can remember one day, once the pain and anger fade...
So what did I learn? After all, hearts break and worlds come crashing down but they only matter if we learn something from them.
I have been working hard to tame my libido. I have not done anything with anyone since I ended it with Mark, so that's almost two months. I'm not trying to use celibacy as a cure but I think that if I can reflect and spend some time without sexual distraction I can succeed.
I am also working to be more patient with people. I had a habbit of questioning/correcting/harrassing people's way of doing things simply because it wasn't the way I would do it. I'm a lot better.
I'm changing for me.
Thanks for reading... wish me luck.
It turns out I'm not the nice person I used to think I was. Regarding my former relationship with Mark, I was impetuous, selfish, oblivious, immature, scared, mean, brutal. I could go on and on. I cheated on him many many times (according to his check: 20 times over the ~2 year period that our turbulent relationship barreled along). Mark and I were off and on so many times and it was all because of me. I still don't understand why I would try to end it-- part of me didn't want to keep hurting him as I saw that our relationship was disfunctional at most times, but he would almost always protest and he had me convinced that things were ok and I was happy to stay together. Sometimes we got back together because I would see him start to drift away and actually start to move on and whatever primal instincts in me told me that Mark and I were meant to be together. Another part of my ending it was that it's scary to actually find true love for the first time when you're 18 and new at it. And then there was the cheating. It's so embarrassing. Most of it consisted of me looking for sex online at craigslist. I even posted my own listing... with explicit photos of myself. It's hard to type that. Very ashamed. So I would meet people on the site around my age. The sex was never beyond oral and it was empty and meaningless. Initially when I would do this, I would tell Mark pretty soon after it. I felt like it was a good thing to get it out there and I always would tell him that it was just sex and I only loved him, as if that would solve everything. Like the kind soul/masochist that Mark can be (because his heart is true and because he loved me), he would just pass it off. It was very hard to know how he felt about it, but he definintely didn't make it seem like he was going to end it with me because of it. His reaction, mixed with plain boredom, ease of access and a little problem with impulsiveness that I have, the cheating persisted. Promises were made that I would stop and on 2 or 3 occassions Mark actually caught me still looking at craigslist and/or responding to ads. Love is strong but it buckles and breaks just like everything else. It's over now. I didn't really give Mark much of a choice but to abruptly end it. My going to Arizona was a catalyst for his plan and now we don't talk anymore. I don't intend to say how Mark should deal with any situation. People deal with things the way it works for them. I won't say that I prefer with his method but when I think of it, it's probably the smartest thing he could have done. Because his method is radically different than anything I would ever do, I resisted and called him and persisted-- probably because I was so used to us making up and having a good time. Oh yeah, there were good times too. How else could we have lasted as long as we did? Those times are something I hope he still can remember one day, once the pain and anger fade...
So what did I learn? After all, hearts break and worlds come crashing down but they only matter if we learn something from them.
I have been working hard to tame my libido. I have not done anything with anyone since I ended it with Mark, so that's almost two months. I'm not trying to use celibacy as a cure but I think that if I can reflect and spend some time without sexual distraction I can succeed.
I am also working to be more patient with people. I had a habbit of questioning/correcting/harrassing people's way of doing things simply because it wasn't the way I would do it. I'm a lot better.
I'm changing for me.
Thanks for reading... wish me luck.