from the department of whooey
FRIDGE THE COMPANION
INT. TARDIS
CLARA and the DOCTOR are here having an AFTERMATH.
DOCTOR
The second most beautiful garden in all of time and space, and we can never come back because you had to eat a snake.
CLARA
That was never a snake, it had legs.
DOCTOR
Not after you got done with it.
FX: TARDIS PHONE
SCREEN: CALLER ID - RIGSY
DOCTOR
And stop giving people the TARDIS phone number! I got six calls from the Canadian Pharmacy yesterday! Had a nice chat with Ranjit but Ciceronicus 12 was destroyed while I was distracted!
CLARA answers the phone.
CLARA
Rigsy?
RIGSY
It's not Lee Quiñones. Ask me how I know.
CLARA
How do you know you're not Lee Quiñones?
RIGSY
Tattooed on the back of the neck! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!
TITLES: DOCTOR WHO - TROLL THE AUDIENCE
INT. RIGSY'S APARTMENT
The DOCTOR is SUNGLASSING RIGSY'S TATTOO, which is counting down in MINUTES, though oddly not HOURS.
DOCTOR
Well, you're going to die in 532 minutes. No, 531. Boring! Oh, look, an infant human! Did you make this human?
RIGSY
Yeah, parthenogenetically. What's this about dying?
DOCTOR
Well, you're going to die in 531 minutes. No, 530.
RIGSY
But I don't want to.
DOCTOR
Oh, really? Well, if you're sure about it.
CUT TO:
INT. TARDIS
The DOCTOR is TECHING RIGSY.
DOCTOR
Well, no worries, you've got a Photino Bird Death Note, but I've put you in a deadlock and stopped the countdown.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No...
DOCTOR
I've put you in a timelock and stopped the countdown.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No...!
DOCTOR
I've imposed a matter line and stopped the countdown, and stuck a replicated Mire medikit on your head, you're IMMORTAL!
STEVEN MOFFAT
NO!
DOCTOR
NO? I've got the TIME VORTEX on tap so I can go the full CAPTAIN JACK if I hafta! Did I mention I've got the MOMENT in this cupboard under the stairs?! I keep everything! LOOK! THE GRIPPING HAND OF OMEGA! THE FLYING FICKLE FINGER OF FATE! THE .357 MAGNUM OF RASSILON! I GOT FIBBER MCGEE'S CLOSET, BABY! HERE, RIGSY, HAVE A FECKING BUCKET OF STEVEN MOFFAT'S OWN NANOGENESⓇ!
STEVEN MOFFAT
And I've got Colin Baker's old suit in this suitcase if you don't get on with it.
DOCTOR
Oh, yes, yes. Of course. So, Frisby, you've had significant contact with alien life-forms, right here in the centre of London.
RIGSY
OK, so why don't I remember anything?
DOCTOR
Space Roofies. I don't know who did this to you or why. But I do know how to find them.
(beat)
I've got a fecking TIME MACHINE, so stick your hands in these telepathic circuits and we'll just go back to the scene of the crime and PREVENT IT!
STEVEN MOFFAT
I'm warning you!
DOCTOR
I can make ANYTHING look good! TRY ME!
FX: VWORPING
CUT TO:
EXT. ALIEN REFUGEE STREET
The TARDIS arrives and everyone EXITS.
DOCTOR
Not wasting my time at the bloody British Museum so we can shine maps on ourselves for symbolic purposes. Let's get on with the trap, which I probably architected myself. Come on, here we are.
CLARA
Where? I don't see anything.
DOCTOR
They're somehow making our eyes skate right over it. Let's call it a misdirection circuit. It sounds so much better than perception filter, a whole extra syllable, with that extra hint of going around in arclike circles. I'd say the bit about details not adding up, but that's pretty much everything since the reboot began.
RIGSY
Like where the last eight hours went?
DOCTOR
Exactly. -Hello, Ashildr!
Did I mention that ASHILDR is here?
ASHILDR
You're early, I haven't faked the crime yet! Also, call me Mayor Me.
DOCTOR
Mayor Me?
ASHILDR
Darling! I thought you'd never ask!
FX: WAGNER, WEDDING MARCH
ASHILDR
Well, anyway, let's get on with it. Everyone on my secret street believes on the basis of no evidence that Rigsy here killed a woman who isn't dead, so I've sentenced him to die offscreen, and I won't lift that sentence because they'd get cranky if I did, even though no one would ever find out.
CLARA
Good thing we're here to stop it from ever not happening!
ASHILDR
Aaand by the principle of the double negative it just did, so on with the plot!
DOCTOR
Great going, impossible girl.
CLARA
Ooops.
CUT TO:
INT. WHEREVER
A STASIS CHAMBER IS HERE.
DOCTOR
So, here in the stasis chamber we have the totally not dead non-victim.
ASHILDR
Yep.
DOCTOR
How long have you been Mayor?
ASHILDR
Since Waterloo.
DOCTOR
The battle?
ASHILDR
No, the station.
DOCTOR
(sings)
♪ Did you not know, my friend? Ten years ago was the end... ♪
JOHN WETTON
Did someone say copyright infringement?
PARODIST
I cut that line, but "Rendezvous 6:02" is a really cool number.
JOHN WETTON
Ta. So you think there's a riff on the Waterloo Station/Necropolis Line in this script?
PARODIST
Eh!
ASHILDR
And Rigsy's ticket states there is one train, it's leaving now.
DOCTOR
Yes, yes, it's not easy padding these episodes out to 42 minutes. So, the non-victim was a Janus.
ASHILDR
We're keeping her here until someone can take her home for burial.
DOCTOR
Januseseses BURN their dead. How on Gallifrey did you expect to trick me into using my TARDIS key to open this stasis lock?
He uses the TARDIS key to open the STASIS LOCK and gains a BRACELET.
DOCTOR
What is this, a Denver Boot?
ASHILDR
No, a bracelet that will teleport you directly into the next episode.
DOCTOR
Oh thank "Bob".
He TELEPORTS directly into the NEXT EPISODE, leaving the BRACELET behind.
CLARA
How did you manage to steal the lock off the TARDIS?
ASHILDR
This thing probably IS the TARDIS. You remember the mysterious TARDIS from Aickman Road? The ship has crashed, the crew are dead?
CLARA
You mean the Doctor actually IS dead and has been for some time? Gosh, that would be mildly interesting.
ASHILDR picks up the TELEPORT bracelet and snaps it on CLARA.
ASHILDR
Well, in that case, I'll teleport you directly into the episode AFTER next, and maybe you'll find out what's going on! Bye!
CLARA TELEPORTS.
ASHILDR
(dusting her hands)
Short episode.
PARODIST
I didn't even get to do the "I was authorised by Timefleet Command to end you!!" bit.
RIGSY
Um, can I stop dying now please?
TITLE: NEXT TIME
DOCTOR
This whole place is designed to terrify me. I know you. I've seen your face before, my friend, but I don't know if you know who I am. If you were any part in killing her and you're not afraid, then you understand nothing at all. I am the Doctor, and I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you, and I will never, ever, stop...until you are buried aliiiihve, buried aliiiihve. Your move, creep.
STEVEN MOFFAT
BAFTA, please!
INT. TARDIS
CLARA and the DOCTOR are here having an AFTERMATH.
DOCTOR
The second most beautiful garden in all of time and space, and we can never come back because you had to eat a snake.
CLARA
That was never a snake, it had legs.
DOCTOR
Not after you got done with it.
FX: TARDIS PHONE
SCREEN: CALLER ID - RIGSY
DOCTOR
And stop giving people the TARDIS phone number! I got six calls from the Canadian Pharmacy yesterday! Had a nice chat with Ranjit but Ciceronicus 12 was destroyed while I was distracted!
CLARA answers the phone.
CLARA
Rigsy?
RIGSY
It's not Lee Quiñones. Ask me how I know.
CLARA
How do you know you're not Lee Quiñones?
RIGSY
Tattooed on the back of the neck! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!
TITLES: DOCTOR WHO - TROLL THE AUDIENCE
INT. RIGSY'S APARTMENT
The DOCTOR is SUNGLASSING RIGSY'S TATTOO, which is counting down in MINUTES, though oddly not HOURS.
DOCTOR
Well, you're going to die in 532 minutes. No, 531. Boring! Oh, look, an infant human! Did you make this human?
RIGSY
Yeah, parthenogenetically. What's this about dying?
DOCTOR
Well, you're going to die in 531 minutes. No, 530.
RIGSY
But I don't want to.
DOCTOR
Oh, really? Well, if you're sure about it.
CUT TO:
INT. TARDIS
The DOCTOR is TECHING RIGSY.
DOCTOR
Well, no worries, you've got a Photino Bird Death Note, but I've put you in a deadlock and stopped the countdown.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No...
DOCTOR
I've put you in a timelock and stopped the countdown.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No...!
DOCTOR
I've imposed a matter line and stopped the countdown, and stuck a replicated Mire medikit on your head, you're IMMORTAL!
STEVEN MOFFAT
NO!
DOCTOR
NO? I've got the TIME VORTEX on tap so I can go the full CAPTAIN JACK if I hafta! Did I mention I've got the MOMENT in this cupboard under the stairs?! I keep everything! LOOK! THE GRIPPING HAND OF OMEGA! THE FLYING FICKLE FINGER OF FATE! THE .357 MAGNUM OF RASSILON! I GOT FIBBER MCGEE'S CLOSET, BABY! HERE, RIGSY, HAVE A FECKING BUCKET OF STEVEN MOFFAT'S OWN NANOGENESⓇ!
STEVEN MOFFAT
And I've got Colin Baker's old suit in this suitcase if you don't get on with it.
DOCTOR
Oh, yes, yes. Of course. So, Frisby, you've had significant contact with alien life-forms, right here in the centre of London.
RIGSY
OK, so why don't I remember anything?
DOCTOR
Space Roofies. I don't know who did this to you or why. But I do know how to find them.
(beat)
I've got a fecking TIME MACHINE, so stick your hands in these telepathic circuits and we'll just go back to the scene of the crime and PREVENT IT!
STEVEN MOFFAT
I'm warning you!
DOCTOR
I can make ANYTHING look good! TRY ME!
FX: VWORPING
CUT TO:
EXT. ALIEN REFUGEE STREET
The TARDIS arrives and everyone EXITS.
DOCTOR
Not wasting my time at the bloody British Museum so we can shine maps on ourselves for symbolic purposes. Let's get on with the trap, which I probably architected myself. Come on, here we are.
CLARA
Where? I don't see anything.
DOCTOR
They're somehow making our eyes skate right over it. Let's call it a misdirection circuit. It sounds so much better than perception filter, a whole extra syllable, with that extra hint of going around in arclike circles. I'd say the bit about details not adding up, but that's pretty much everything since the reboot began.
RIGSY
Like where the last eight hours went?
DOCTOR
Exactly. -Hello, Ashildr!
Did I mention that ASHILDR is here?
ASHILDR
You're early, I haven't faked the crime yet! Also, call me Mayor Me.
DOCTOR
Mayor Me?
ASHILDR
Darling! I thought you'd never ask!
FX: WAGNER, WEDDING MARCH
ASHILDR
Well, anyway, let's get on with it. Everyone on my secret street believes on the basis of no evidence that Rigsy here killed a woman who isn't dead, so I've sentenced him to die offscreen, and I won't lift that sentence because they'd get cranky if I did, even though no one would ever find out.
CLARA
Good thing we're here to stop it from ever not happening!
ASHILDR
Aaand by the principle of the double negative it just did, so on with the plot!
DOCTOR
Great going, impossible girl.
CLARA
Ooops.
CUT TO:
INT. WHEREVER
A STASIS CHAMBER IS HERE.
DOCTOR
So, here in the stasis chamber we have the totally not dead non-victim.
ASHILDR
Yep.
DOCTOR
How long have you been Mayor?
ASHILDR
Since Waterloo.
DOCTOR
The battle?
ASHILDR
No, the station.
DOCTOR
(sings)
♪ Did you not know, my friend? Ten years ago was the end... ♪
JOHN WETTON
Did someone say copyright infringement?
PARODIST
I cut that line, but "Rendezvous 6:02" is a really cool number.
JOHN WETTON
Ta. So you think there's a riff on the Waterloo Station/Necropolis Line in this script?
PARODIST
Eh!
ASHILDR
And Rigsy's ticket states there is one train, it's leaving now.
DOCTOR
Yes, yes, it's not easy padding these episodes out to 42 minutes. So, the non-victim was a Janus.
ASHILDR
We're keeping her here until someone can take her home for burial.
DOCTOR
Januseseses BURN their dead. How on Gallifrey did you expect to trick me into using my TARDIS key to open this stasis lock?
He uses the TARDIS key to open the STASIS LOCK and gains a BRACELET.
DOCTOR
What is this, a Denver Boot?
ASHILDR
No, a bracelet that will teleport you directly into the next episode.
DOCTOR
Oh thank "Bob".
He TELEPORTS directly into the NEXT EPISODE, leaving the BRACELET behind.
CLARA
How did you manage to steal the lock off the TARDIS?
ASHILDR
This thing probably IS the TARDIS. You remember the mysterious TARDIS from Aickman Road? The ship has crashed, the crew are dead?
CLARA
You mean the Doctor actually IS dead and has been for some time? Gosh, that would be mildly interesting.
ASHILDR picks up the TELEPORT bracelet and snaps it on CLARA.
ASHILDR
Well, in that case, I'll teleport you directly into the episode AFTER next, and maybe you'll find out what's going on! Bye!
CLARA TELEPORTS.
ASHILDR
(dusting her hands)
Short episode.
PARODIST
I didn't even get to do the "I was authorised by Timefleet Command to end you!!" bit.
RIGSY
Um, can I stop dying now please?
TITLE: NEXT TIME
DOCTOR
This whole place is designed to terrify me. I know you. I've seen your face before, my friend, but I don't know if you know who I am. If you were any part in killing her and you're not afraid, then you understand nothing at all. I am the Doctor, and I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you, and I will never, ever, stop...until you are buried aliiiihve, buried aliiiihve. Your move, creep.
STEVEN MOFFAT
BAFTA, please!