from the department of whooey
THE MOON'S A WINDOW TO HEAVEN
INT. CASTLE
A TELEPORTER TUBE is here. A CREEPY HAND is here. The CREEPY HAND pulls a CREEPY LEVER and then turns to DUST!
The TELEPORTER disgorges THE DOCTOR.
DOCTOR
Well! So this is what next episode looks like. I'd best analyse the situation.
The DOCTOR puts on his SONIC SUNGLASSES. He LOOKS AROUND and spots a PILE of DUST. And A SCARY SKULL!
DOCTOR
Dear me - is this eye crud? ... No! But it IS cellular material! TIME LORD cellular material! MY OWN GENETIC CODE! And the phrenology is my own! And the genetic material inside the teeth!! Dear me, what can this mean!!!? -Eh, could be a ganger.
HE THROWS THE SKULL OVER HIS SHOULDER.
A ROBÈD MONSTER ATTACKS!
DOCTOR
EEEEK! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!
THE MONSTER STOPS!
DOCTOR
Hmm! Feedback, interesting!
THE DOCTOR WHIPS OFF THE MONSTER'S ROBE.
IT IS - M NIGHT SHYAMALAN!
TITLES: DOCTOR WHO - HEAVEN'S GATE
DOCTOR
Too obvious!
The DOCTOR rips off the mask of M Night Shyamalan revealing STEVEN MOFFAT.
DOCTOR
And he'd have gotten away with it if not for those meddling kids!
THE DOCTOR LOOKS OUT THE NEAREST WINDOW.
DOCTOR
What is this, MYST?
STEVEN MOFFAT
(through his timestuck teeth)
For a pound I'll give you a clue.
THE DOCTOR GIVES STEVEN MOFFAT A POUND
STEVEN MOFFAT
Ow!
DOCTOR
The only clue you'd give me is the BIRD.
THE DOCTOR DRAGS STEVEN MOFFAT AROUND THE CASTLE BY HIS ANKLES FOR 53 MINUTES.
THERE ARE A LOT OF STAIRS.
DOCTOR
(sings)
So any time you're feelin' bad
'stead of feelin' sad
Just remember that ram
Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam...
THE DOCTOR FINDS A SECRET DAM (LABELED "HOME" IN ENGLISH FOR SOME REASON) MADE OF -
DOCTOR
Twenty solid feet of carbon tri-florinic hyper-fiber! There's no getting through this without something harder than it is! Not my puny fist. Not this shovel that I brought because I was smart enough to do that. What can I possibly use?????
(beat)
The only thing tougher than carbon tri-florinic hyper-fiber - A SCOTSMAN'S BONCE!
STEVEN MOFFAT
Oh sh-
SONG: THE ANVIL CHORUS
THE DOCTOR BEATS A HOLE THROUGH THE SECRET DAM WITH STEVEN MOFFAT'S HAID
AND FINALLY STEPS OUT OF THE DIAMOND-ICEY TUNNEL
STEVEN MOFFAT
Oooh, ma nut! I don't like this game!
DOCTOR
I should have just sonicked the thing, shatterlined the interface, but let's face it, brute force is more badass™, and that's the name of the game - of RASSILON.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No fair thinking your way out of my puzzle what was carefully designed to get you more age and deaths than Captain Jack. Eeeyihi!
DOCTOR
Calm yourself, little paper and ink lad.
EXT. GALLIFREY
There is a SMALL BOY here, which is REALLY CONVENIENT.
DOCTOR
Boy! What day is this?
BOY
Christmas Day!
DOCTOR
Huzzah! Take this five pound note and buy me - skip that, I've got a giant turkey in my hand.
STEVEN MOFFAT
The clue paid off? Maybe I AM getting soft-headed.
THE DOCTOR DRAGS STEVEN MOFFAT INTO THE NEXT EPISODE.
TITLE: NEXT TIME
DOCTOR
Do you know why I cried reading the seventh Harry Potter? Cos the Deathly Hallows had nothing to do with the previous six books!
INT. CASTLE
A TELEPORTER TUBE is here. A CREEPY HAND is here. The CREEPY HAND pulls a CREEPY LEVER and then turns to DUST!
The TELEPORTER disgorges THE DOCTOR.
DOCTOR
Well! So this is what next episode looks like. I'd best analyse the situation.
The DOCTOR puts on his SONIC SUNGLASSES. He LOOKS AROUND and spots a PILE of DUST. And A SCARY SKULL!
DOCTOR
Dear me - is this eye crud? ... No! But it IS cellular material! TIME LORD cellular material! MY OWN GENETIC CODE! And the phrenology is my own! And the genetic material inside the teeth!! Dear me, what can this mean!!!? -Eh, could be a ganger.
HE THROWS THE SKULL OVER HIS SHOULDER.
A ROBÈD MONSTER ATTACKS!
DOCTOR
EEEEK! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!
THE MONSTER STOPS!
DOCTOR
Hmm! Feedback, interesting!
THE DOCTOR WHIPS OFF THE MONSTER'S ROBE.
IT IS - M NIGHT SHYAMALAN!
TITLES: DOCTOR WHO - HEAVEN'S GATE
DOCTOR
Too obvious!
The DOCTOR rips off the mask of M Night Shyamalan revealing STEVEN MOFFAT.
DOCTOR
And he'd have gotten away with it if not for those meddling kids!
THE DOCTOR LOOKS OUT THE NEAREST WINDOW.
DOCTOR
What is this, MYST?
STEVEN MOFFAT
(through his timestuck teeth)
For a pound I'll give you a clue.
THE DOCTOR GIVES STEVEN MOFFAT A POUND
STEVEN MOFFAT
Ow!
DOCTOR
The only clue you'd give me is the BIRD.
THE DOCTOR DRAGS STEVEN MOFFAT AROUND THE CASTLE BY HIS ANKLES FOR 53 MINUTES.
THERE ARE A LOT OF STAIRS.
DOCTOR
(sings)
So any time you're feelin' bad
'stead of feelin' sad
Just remember that ram
Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam...
THE DOCTOR FINDS A SECRET DAM (LABELED "HOME" IN ENGLISH FOR SOME REASON) MADE OF -
DOCTOR
Twenty solid feet of carbon tri-florinic hyper-fiber! There's no getting through this without something harder than it is! Not my puny fist. Not this shovel that I brought because I was smart enough to do that. What can I possibly use?????
(beat)
The only thing tougher than carbon tri-florinic hyper-fiber - A SCOTSMAN'S BONCE!
STEVEN MOFFAT
Oh sh-
SONG: THE ANVIL CHORUS
THE DOCTOR BEATS A HOLE THROUGH THE SECRET DAM WITH STEVEN MOFFAT'S HAID
AND FINALLY STEPS OUT OF THE DIAMOND-ICEY TUNNEL
STEVEN MOFFAT
Oooh, ma nut! I don't like this game!
DOCTOR
I should have just sonicked the thing, shatterlined the interface, but let's face it, brute force is more badass™, and that's the name of the game - of RASSILON.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No fair thinking your way out of my puzzle what was carefully designed to get you more age and deaths than Captain Jack. Eeeyihi!
DOCTOR
Calm yourself, little paper and ink lad.
EXT. GALLIFREY
There is a SMALL BOY here, which is REALLY CONVENIENT.
DOCTOR
Boy! What day is this?
BOY
Christmas Day!
DOCTOR
Huzzah! Take this five pound note and buy me - skip that, I've got a giant turkey in my hand.
STEVEN MOFFAT
The clue paid off? Maybe I AM getting soft-headed.
THE DOCTOR DRAGS STEVEN MOFFAT INTO THE NEXT EPISODE.
TITLE: NEXT TIME
DOCTOR
Do you know why I cried reading the seventh Harry Potter? Cos the Deathly Hallows had nothing to do with the previous six books!