from the department of whooey
AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE LIES THE BEGINNING OF...nothing very much
EXT. NEVADA
A BAKERY is here.
The DOCTOR is here wearing HEADPHONES.
The DOCTOR enters the BAKERY.
He walks up to the COUNTER.
CLARA
What can I getcha?
The DOCTOR points at something behind the COUNTER and CLARA gives him a GREEN-ICED CUPCAKE and a FLASHBACK.
EXT. GALLIFREY
The DOCTOR walks up to the BARN from "LISTEN", goes inside, and meets a SEMI-MYSTERIOUS WOMAN.
DOCTOR
I'm here to kick ass and drink soup, and I'm-
THE SEMI-MYSTERIOUS WOMAN gives him CAMPBELL'S TOMATO SOUP.
DOCTOR
Ass-kicking deferred.
TITLES: DOCTOR WHO - BENT OUT OF HELL
The DOCTOR eats his soup at a table AL FRESCO.
A GUNSHIP arrives.
GUNNER
Yo.
The DOCTOR eats his soup.
GUNNER
This is beyond my pay grade.
THE HIGH COUNCIL OF TIME LORDS and THE WAR COUNCIL OF GALLIFREY arrive.
HC & WC
Yo.
The DOCTOR eats his soup.
HC & WC
This is beyond our pay grade.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON arrives.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON
Yo.
CYBERBRIGADIER
Get off my world.
JOHN SHERIDAN
Get the hell out of my galaxy.
DOCTOR
What they said.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON BLASTS EVERYONE TO DUST WITH THE GLOVE OF RASSILON.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No!
DUSTY OLD RASSILON
Mmmh, what, what do you mean, mmh, no?
STEVEN MOFFAT
I'm being cruel to Russell T. Davies for never writing me a script.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON
Mnk, mnk, but Russell T. Davies isn't here, to defend himself. Nyerrrr.
STEVEN MOFFAT
I'm also being cowardly.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON
Mmmh, I'm, I'm too old for this naughty modern type Doctor Who.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON leaves.
WAR GUY FROM THE DAY OF THE DOCTOR
What do you want?
PATRICK MCGOOHAN
Number One.
DOCTOR
And Number Two. This barn has no facilities.
CUT TO:
INT. COUNCIL CHAMBER
CLARA, the WAR GUY and OHILA OF KARN are here.
FX: FLUSH
The DOCTOR enters the room.
DOCTOR
So, how did you get out of the Time Lock and/or the Cup-O-Soup? And how did Jadis of Charn get in? Has this planet no security at all?
WG & OK
A wizard did it.
STEVEN MOFFAT DANCES BY IN HIS UNDERWEAR
SONG: "Old Time Rock And Roll"
STEVEN MOFFAT
You take those old BAFTAs off the shelf
I'm gonna win 'em all myself
Today stories don't work the goal
I am the showrunning master troll!
THE DOCTOR BLASTS STEVEN MOFFAT TO DUST WITH RASSILON'S GLOVE
DOCTOR
I'd tell someone to take me to an Extraction Chamber so I could rescue Clara with a Time Lock, but since I had the sense heaven gave a hedgehog, she's already here and doesn't need saving.
CLARA
According to the script I should be dead. I want to be dead.
DOCTOR
I sympathise, oh, I do. But according to the page I'm looking at, we should be going down into the cellars and watching "Sliders" right about now.
CLARA
What, the Fox Television show they renewed in 1996 instead of commissioning an American Doctor Who series?
DOCTOR
Exactly. The show about shifting between realities. What time is it, War Guy?
WG
Five of The End of the Universe.
DOCTOR
And yet it looks nothing like it. We've been there before. In "Utopia". In "Listen". In a missing adventure with River Song. In fact it looks different every time.
CLARA
As in a different universe every time? Oh no, you don't think there's some kind of hinting going on?
DOCTOR
As in laying in a premise for series 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 and/or 15? Very probably. Well, series 10 is a given. I suppose we should be merry while we can.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAS VEGAS NEVADA
THE DOCTOR AND CLARA ARE IN A PINK CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE (LICENCE: TARDIS), DRIVING TOWARDS THE STRIP AT NIGHT. THEY ARE WEARING SUNGLASSES
CLARA
I hear they've got dancing ostriches here!
DOCTOR
And there's not a clock in the whole town! WOO!
END TITLES.
ASHILDR IS AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE WAITING IN A CHAIR. THERE ARE CRICKETS CHIRPING
ASHILDR
...
BLACKOUT.
EXT. NEVADA
A BAKERY is here.
The DOCTOR is here wearing HEADPHONES.
The DOCTOR enters the BAKERY.
He walks up to the COUNTER.
CLARA
What can I getcha?
The DOCTOR points at something behind the COUNTER and CLARA gives him a GREEN-ICED CUPCAKE and a FLASHBACK.
EXT. GALLIFREY
The DOCTOR walks up to the BARN from "LISTEN", goes inside, and meets a SEMI-MYSTERIOUS WOMAN.
DOCTOR
I'm here to kick ass and drink soup, and I'm-
THE SEMI-MYSTERIOUS WOMAN gives him CAMPBELL'S TOMATO SOUP.
DOCTOR
Ass-kicking deferred.
TITLES: DOCTOR WHO - BENT OUT OF HELL
The DOCTOR eats his soup at a table AL FRESCO.
A GUNSHIP arrives.
GUNNER
Yo.
The DOCTOR eats his soup.
GUNNER
This is beyond my pay grade.
THE HIGH COUNCIL OF TIME LORDS and THE WAR COUNCIL OF GALLIFREY arrive.
HC & WC
Yo.
The DOCTOR eats his soup.
HC & WC
This is beyond our pay grade.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON arrives.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON
Yo.
CYBERBRIGADIER
Get off my world.
JOHN SHERIDAN
Get the hell out of my galaxy.
DOCTOR
What they said.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON BLASTS EVERYONE TO DUST WITH THE GLOVE OF RASSILON.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No!
DUSTY OLD RASSILON
Mmmh, what, what do you mean, mmh, no?
STEVEN MOFFAT
I'm being cruel to Russell T. Davies for never writing me a script.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON
Mnk, mnk, but Russell T. Davies isn't here, to defend himself. Nyerrrr.
STEVEN MOFFAT
I'm also being cowardly.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON
Mmmh, I'm, I'm too old for this naughty modern type Doctor Who.
DUSTY OLD RASSILON leaves.
WAR GUY FROM THE DAY OF THE DOCTOR
What do you want?
PATRICK MCGOOHAN
Number One.
DOCTOR
And Number Two. This barn has no facilities.
CUT TO:
INT. COUNCIL CHAMBER
CLARA, the WAR GUY and OHILA OF KARN are here.
FX: FLUSH
The DOCTOR enters the room.
DOCTOR
So, how did you get out of the Time Lock and/or the Cup-O-Soup? And how did Jadis of Charn get in? Has this planet no security at all?
WG & OK
A wizard did it.
STEVEN MOFFAT DANCES BY IN HIS UNDERWEAR
SONG: "Old Time Rock And Roll"
STEVEN MOFFAT
You take those old BAFTAs off the shelf
I'm gonna win 'em all myself
Today stories don't work the goal
I am the showrunning master troll!
THE DOCTOR BLASTS STEVEN MOFFAT TO DUST WITH RASSILON'S GLOVE
DOCTOR
I'd tell someone to take me to an Extraction Chamber so I could rescue Clara with a Time Lock, but since I had the sense heaven gave a hedgehog, she's already here and doesn't need saving.
CLARA
According to the script I should be dead. I want to be dead.
DOCTOR
I sympathise, oh, I do. But according to the page I'm looking at, we should be going down into the cellars and watching "Sliders" right about now.
CLARA
What, the Fox Television show they renewed in 1996 instead of commissioning an American Doctor Who series?
DOCTOR
Exactly. The show about shifting between realities. What time is it, War Guy?
WG
Five of The End of the Universe.
DOCTOR
And yet it looks nothing like it. We've been there before. In "Utopia". In "Listen". In a missing adventure with River Song. In fact it looks different every time.
CLARA
As in a different universe every time? Oh no, you don't think there's some kind of hinting going on?
DOCTOR
As in laying in a premise for series 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 and/or 15? Very probably. Well, series 10 is a given. I suppose we should be merry while we can.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAS VEGAS NEVADA
THE DOCTOR AND CLARA ARE IN A PINK CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE (LICENCE: TARDIS), DRIVING TOWARDS THE STRIP AT NIGHT. THEY ARE WEARING SUNGLASSES
CLARA
I hear they've got dancing ostriches here!
DOCTOR
And there's not a clock in the whole town! WOO!
END TITLES.
ASHILDR IS AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE WAITING IN A CHAIR. THERE ARE CRICKETS CHIRPING
ASHILDR
...
BLACKOUT.