Are you frustrated with writing cover letters?
Because I am.
Or anyway, I was. This job-hunting process is far more humbling than I ever imagined. I confess that in two short months I was reduced to a sobbing, pessimistic, self-deprecating meatstack. This all culminated in an all-out ragequit cover letter that I wrote while skipping exercise, just to vent.
Dear Sir/Madam,
After perusing hundreds of cover letters, I have come to the conclusion that hiring managers are forced to read some of the most scripted and uninteresting writing ever to have existed (with the exception of legal documents, thankfully). So I decided to provide a brief relief from such formulaic writing for persons such as yourself.
My employment and volunteer history you can read about in the resumé attached, so I will not waste your time by discussing the items therein. Let me tell you a bit about myself.
I am a 22-going-on-23-year-old who will officially have an Honours Bachelor Degree in Uselessology (read: English Specialist) in June. Seeing as I am a person so practical I have gifted rechargeable batteries for birthdays, I myself do not quite understand how I came to the conclusion that studying English literature at the post-secondary level was a good idea for my future. In retrospect, it probably made me far more analytical, philosophical, and cynical than is healthy for the average human being.
Academics aside, I have an undying curiosity about all things new and strange to me. I am, as they say, a continuous learner. More than once, I have startled family and peers by opening a conversation with apiary trivia, a comparison of knitting techniques, musings regarding quantum, and even the question of whether the toilet paper should go over or under. I cannot help it. The world is like a canyon to me: it is beautiful and terrifying. Even the things I do not like-e.g. arachnids and math-I can come to appreciate in their microcosmic vastness.
Consequently, I am a fairly quick learner and a Jack of all trades and master of none. I have a feverish passion for solving puzzles and problems of all kinds: social, logical and literary being my favourites. I love playing video games because they are difficult and are such unorthodox places to find life lessons. I love reading because it has enabled a once-ESL student to be an alumna with an HBA specializing in English.
If you think that a person like me would be an asset to your company, please contact me. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Sincerely,
Michelle XXXXX
My most heartfelt gratitude to Jammies, whose love for me has not waned despite her being so far away; Qu4k, who comforted me in the midst of his sickness; Mumsy, for being ever supportive; Rita, who was nothing but herself, which makes me better for it; Jess and Christine, for their timely wisdom and encouragement though they probably did not know it at the time; and the half-dozen people (Jammies, Qu4k, Matt, Jess, Favid, Li) to whom I sent my disgusting resume and cover letter and sent it back with armloads of comments and detailed editations.
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters." 1 John 3:16
Thanks for laying down a chunk of your time, effort, breath, mind, will, and strength to help me. I don't know what I would've done otherwise. (Probably write another self-pitying cover letter and eat all the ice cream. Simultaneously.)
Or anyway, I was. This job-hunting process is far more humbling than I ever imagined. I confess that in two short months I was reduced to a sobbing, pessimistic, self-deprecating meatstack. This all culminated in an all-out ragequit cover letter that I wrote while skipping exercise, just to vent.
Dear Sir/Madam,
After perusing hundreds of cover letters, I have come to the conclusion that hiring managers are forced to read some of the most scripted and uninteresting writing ever to have existed (with the exception of legal documents, thankfully). So I decided to provide a brief relief from such formulaic writing for persons such as yourself.
My employment and volunteer history you can read about in the resumé attached, so I will not waste your time by discussing the items therein. Let me tell you a bit about myself.
I am a 22-going-on-23-year-old who will officially have an Honours Bachelor Degree in Uselessology (read: English Specialist) in June. Seeing as I am a person so practical I have gifted rechargeable batteries for birthdays, I myself do not quite understand how I came to the conclusion that studying English literature at the post-secondary level was a good idea for my future. In retrospect, it probably made me far more analytical, philosophical, and cynical than is healthy for the average human being.
Academics aside, I have an undying curiosity about all things new and strange to me. I am, as they say, a continuous learner. More than once, I have startled family and peers by opening a conversation with apiary trivia, a comparison of knitting techniques, musings regarding quantum, and even the question of whether the toilet paper should go over or under. I cannot help it. The world is like a canyon to me: it is beautiful and terrifying. Even the things I do not like-e.g. arachnids and math-I can come to appreciate in their microcosmic vastness.
Consequently, I am a fairly quick learner and a Jack of all trades and master of none. I have a feverish passion for solving puzzles and problems of all kinds: social, logical and literary being my favourites. I love playing video games because they are difficult and are such unorthodox places to find life lessons. I love reading because it has enabled a once-ESL student to be an alumna with an HBA specializing in English.
If you think that a person like me would be an asset to your company, please contact me. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Sincerely,
Michelle XXXXX
My most heartfelt gratitude to Jammies, whose love for me has not waned despite her being so far away; Qu4k, who comforted me in the midst of his sickness; Mumsy, for being ever supportive; Rita, who was nothing but herself, which makes me better for it; Jess and Christine, for their timely wisdom and encouragement though they probably did not know it at the time; and the half-dozen people (Jammies, Qu4k, Matt, Jess, Favid, Li) to whom I sent my disgusting resume and cover letter and sent it back with armloads of comments and detailed editations.
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters." 1 John 3:16
Thanks for laying down a chunk of your time, effort, breath, mind, will, and strength to help me. I don't know what I would've done otherwise. (Probably write another self-pitying cover letter and eat all the ice cream. Simultaneously.)