Stay away from Friends... They hurt you!
Well.....
I know I am weird.. a bit over friendly even to those "friends" of mine who I haven't met before or EVER... and is all sweet and sometimes a little informal to them.... but that's just me... is it a sin, a fault.... apparently, it is. :/ :(
It has happened with me more times than not... I mean I am generally an open minded, slightly inappropriate, fun loving and easily accommodating person. But I know my boundaries, my rules, how to act and how NOT to act.. In case of rules I know what to and what not to follow... I mean and go by these principles in my everyday life. I don't trust people that easy.. trust doesn't come so naturally to me.... although I might never ever let the other person know that I don't trust them completely or at all.... but I don't trust easy.
But one thing is that I love making friends, ALL KINDS and ALL OVER THE WORLD... through internet, and etc. And I behave in a the same way with EACH AND EVERY single one of them... I know I have flaws.. millions of them.... and I work on them,to rectify them, to come out of 'em.. every single day .. trust me... but sometimes... I might behave with people a little too colloquially. I mean .. I don't mean any harm or disrespect but I feel like if you're a friend then there isn't much room for formality even if I have never met you.. right? Or so I thought... turns out I couldn't be more wrong. Thing is I never learn.. like ever! ... past experiences should have taught me that the way I take people.. the easy and the normal way, and the way I take their actions and come out of it, even if it's rude hurts me sometimes...it's NOT the same with everyone... apparently, emotions vary with physical and cultural boundaries.
The problem is no matter how hard I try to grow out of my naive, sweet disgusting girl phase and prove that I'm all tough, BAD-ASS, strong and superwoman.. I could never ever achieve it because deep down, I'm still that hurt.. poor, quivering mess of a nice girl who runs out to pacify and soother her best friend in trouble, when it's not even her problem, and later on the SAME best friend manages to slap the nice girl on her face in front of everybody, just coz she was angry.... like literally!
I joke seriously.. I am a GEMINI.. being mischievous, fun loving, spontaneous and flirty is WHAT I AM. maybe my jokes are a little too seriou at times, maybe you don't get them, maybe you don't like me period.... but at least I wish I had someone or as many people who loved me as there are who just happens to quirk their eyebrows at me and says "My god what a creep".
I love to be obscene and outrageous at times. But within a boundary, I know my limits, but this word "FRIEND".. it has been the bane of my existence since I started breathing IMHO..... in different forms, faces and phases of my life..this word and the emotions and the people behind it has hurt me in ways I can't really come out of. And EVEN NOW isn't any exception. Why can't I be more formal and more clipped, precise, conserved towards people I don't really know or haven't seen? Why do I have to take EVERY ONE OF THEM AS MY FRIENDS.. haven't I learned my lesson yet.
I behave quite generally and share my honest opinions, I agree sometimes I can be a bit annoying BUT NEWSFLASH!! WHO THE HELL ISN'T AT ONE TIME OR THE OTHER IN THEIR LIVES? And although I take stuff normally, thing is other;s don't and I get replies that are curt, clipped, sorta rude and as if that person is trying their hard to avoid me but it's like I am behaving like a leech!
I am a really sensitive person and an over thinker, so much of what I say, my exclamations are a result of that fact... but I believe it's my OWN fault.. MY FAULT that I behave with ALL kinda friends I have like they are my very very own. I should be more like people nowadays.... Meaning Serious Business. This whole sweet, genuine, and nice girl thing.. it's being laughed at and made fun of and not to mention how people find happiness in being mean to "specimen" like me. It's like I am SOO SOO SOO desperate to have friends that people find it hilarious, they keep me for some day, as a source of entertainment but then one day I get irritating and that's when the real behavior that I deserve starts coming out.... I am sure there are more people than not in everywhere around me, ... who makes fun of me, says how disgusting or annoying I am or is just plain creep-ed out by me behind my back... after they are done being nice and sweet to me in public.
I deserve it.... I mean it has kept on happening with me my whole life.. So HONESTLY there is something that's wrong WITH ME. I mean ALL that many people can't be wrong now can they.... it's not like I am someone awesome or special.. since it's me who's always hurting inside and receiving the shorter end of the stick, it means I AM AT FAULT.... I AM ACTUALLY NOT WORTH receiving a second glance.... RIght? ABSOLUTELY!
I should have learnt by now.... Friends, ... some have them, some don't.. it's not really necessary for you pant and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait for them to come along and enlighten your life. Some people are meant to be lone... it's a gift really.... then you have less people in your life that can hurt you, but silly me... this simple thing JUST doesn't penetrate my thick skull!! Gaaah!
If I have any scruples, shame or at least some semblance of self respect, I will manage to keep my distance and keep my fences more high up from now on and learn not to get happy and chipper and forget everything the next time a friend or someone does a sliver or shred of something nice.... can NOT trust, believe, befriend, and get emotionally tangled up with ANYONE.... people hurt.. and being lonely, distant, masked actually means you and your heart stays protected.....
MOST OF ALL.... Happiness have to kept on bay..... because the moment I get happy, a sad and a bitter experience lurks around the corner ready to prance and tear.
ANywho.... moment of self pity over.. at least I have LJ.... purging was never this fun before.