musesandlyrics | 1.15. Grey's Anatomy quote
1.15. "The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them anymore. The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control, you're not."
Grey's Anatomy
Co-written with cameronpreston
[Simultaneous to THIS]
When Cameron returned from the bathroom, where he had literally just sat in one of the cubicles on the closed toilet for close to two hours lost in his own thoughts to try and just think rationally, Aiden was alone at Pat’s bedside. He had Pat’s pink iPod in his ears, his head resting tiredly on his arm that was lying beside Pat’s stomach. Cameron didn’t want to startle him, so he moved slowly to take the seat beside him, giving him enough warning of his presence. Pat looked much the same; small, pale, thin, sick. The new drugs pumping through his system were taking their toll. He wasn’t awake often, and a couple of the times he was, he spent vomiting from side effects until they had to give him another drug to stop the vomiting. It felt like a vicious cycle. With every needle, and poke, and prod Cameron witnessed the doctors giving his twin, it felt like they were more and more ripping his heart out by the bloody roots and dumping it on the bed beside Pat.
Aiden caught sight of the movement in his peripheral vision and lifted his head to offer Cameron the faintest hint of a tired smile, reaching up to take the iPod from his ears. He held the earphones up. “The talent never ceases to amaze me,” he said, his voice scratchy and not even sounding like his own anymore. He was out of the contagious stage of the mono, but his throat still hurt sometimes, just like the rest of his muscles and joints. He just didn’t feel well, but it wasn’t enough to get him to leave Pat’s side.
“What is it?” Cameron asked, taking one of the earphones and leaning forward to put it in his ear to get a listen of what it was. He smiled and nodded. “Lachlan’s album. The early years. The one he wouldn’t let the record company get their hands on. He’s a fucking talented bastard, alright. He could have been a star a long time ago.”
“It’s awesome. I would have loved to get my hands on him and make him a star, but he didn’t want to be solo. How come Pat has the tracks?” Aiden asked curiously, relieved the conversation was light for the moment, though there was something lost in Cameron’s eyes and his voice was flat and drained.
Cameron managed a small smirk. “He blackmailed Lachlan for them. Pat’s got a copy of the CD somewhere in his collection. He’s also got some highly questionable photos of Lachlan in various drunken questionable situations. One cancelled out the other. He must have just transferred the songs to his iPod at some point. Lachlan sung to him when he was sick in this place the first time. When Pat had amnesia and didn’t even remember Tara, but he knew Lachie. Lachie just sat and sung to him some days when the pain was at its worst. It helped Pat through. Lachlan comes off as a frustrated rock god, but he can sing any genre, he can also sing any song just from listening to it, pick up melodies on his instruments too. The talented can be sickening,” he added in amusement. “But it’s healing, soothing.
Aiden nodded. “I can see why.” He turned the device off and placed it back on the table beside Pat’s bed. “You’re not okay, and it goes beyond tapping into what Pat’s feeling. I know, because they have him dosed up on painkillers, and you have just gradually looked worse and worse over the last few days. I’m starting to wonder if you’re going to end up in the bed beside him. And I know we haven’t had much of a chance to get to know each other or even get used to each other, but you are my brother-in-law, and I just wanted you to know if you wanted to talk about anything, I can listen. I might not be able to help much, but I can try.”
Cameron folded his arms across his stomach, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He glanced at Aiden, drawing in a small breath which was let out slowly. “You don’t look so hot yourself, you know. Not even gay guys can pull off the immaculate when their world is going down the toilet,” he noted. “You do still look pretty neat and clean cut, though, even unshaven and I feel like a hobo sitting next to you.”
Aiden laughed slightly. “I think that was a compliment, if I stand on my head and squint.” The humour fell from his tone as quickly as it appeared though, and he sobered, looking back at Pat. “I miss him. Which is stupid, because he’s right here.”
Cameron shook his head. “That’s not stupid. It’s love. You’ve hardly left his side. That’s how it should be…” He cleared his throat a little, ignoring the urge to squirm in his seat from the discontent churning inside him. “Do you regret taking any of this on?”
Aiden probably should have gotten angry and defensive at the question, and would have if it came from anyone but Cameron. It was an honest question, and likely one most wondered the answer to at times like this. “No, he’s the love of my life,” he murmured as he began to rub his fingers protectively up and down Pat’s forearm. “He was honest from the start about everything. I knew what to expect. It just… it doesn’t…”
“Doesn’t get any easier to cope with when it happens,” Cameron finished for him and nodded briefly. “Yeah, I know, mate. I know. Fucking bleeding in the brain and it almost feels like old hat dealing with it.” He put his hand up and rubbed his fingers roughly across his forehead so he didn’t promptly burst into tears again. “I never shake the fear I’m going to lose him,” he admitted in a rough whisper. “I don’t know if I could actually live myself if I did. It’s why I hate myself so much for hurting him when you guys got married. I don’t know what got into me. I’ve lived through this. I know how it feels when his life is skating on thin ice, and I should value every minute. But I hurt him, and I… I… don’t want to do it again, but I’m going to.” He put his hand to his mouth as tears filled his eyes, but he blinked them back, looking apologetically at Aiden. He pulled himself back before the tears fell, though, letting out a heavy breath to regain his composure.
Aiden watch Cameron’s internal struggle by his external reactions. He sat back in his seat, turning so Cameron had his full attention. “I’m not sure you could actually hurt him more than you did with the marriage thing,” he said hesitantly. “Can you…?”
Cameron looked from Aiden to Pat and then back again, squeezing his eyes shut with a small nod. “Yeah, I can,” he admitted hoarsely. “Isabel’s pregnant. Riley did an ultrasound. She’s having identical twins. I didn’t have a chance to tell him before he got sick and I’ve been carrying it around with me since he was admitted.”
Aiden stared at him, shocked. Hearing the news actually came as such a sharp blow that it felt like someone kicked him in the stomach. “Okay, you win,” he whispered, and turned back in his seat, staring straight ahead at the wall across from them. Even if Pat was apparently saying he didn’t want kids, Aiden took the news with much the same impact as he would stepping out in front of a bus. “Don’t worry, though. Pat doesn’t want kids.” It was a detached statement, flat and heavy that just hung in the air.
“Yes, he does,” Cameron mumbled. “He does. He is just telling people he doesn’t so it stops being a painful issue and rubbed in your faces repeatedly. He wants kids. He has always wanted a family of his own. He told me when I was in hospital in Liverpool that he would give anything to have a kid with you, by whatever means, but he needed people to think he doesn’t want them because he doesn’t want you to be burdened with nursing a disabled person and raising a child singlehandedly,” he choked out before the tears did come this time. It hurt inside spilling Pat’s secret, but Aiden needed to know and Cameron was hurting from it by default.
Aiden was reeling inside and he looked at Pat as if his husband would suddenly wake up to confirm the admission. But Pat remained still, unmoving, the heart monitor beeping monotonously above his head and the IV line offering a constant, silent drip drip drip of medication into Pat’s blood stream.
“And Tara and Lachlan offered for Tara to be a surrogate for you both with a donor egg at Lachlan’s birthday party, but Pat turned her down,” Cameron added in a strained, choked voice. He was expecting Aiden to explode angrily, probably how Cameron himself would have reacted, but there was just more silent, more frozen stillness.
When Aiden managed to find his voice and speak, it was choked too, rough, like it didn’t even belong to him. But he managed to remain calm through the shock. Anything else would just take too much of his energy and he might not be able to cope with it. The enormity of it all would hit him later, without a doubt. “And this is why you think you will hurt Pat telling him Isabel is pregnant with twins,” he deduced. His knuckles had whitened from the grip he had on the plastic arms of the chair, but it was keeping him grounded, he just wasn’t sure where he was drawing the strength to latch on like that.
“You don’t think it will?” Cameron asked helplessly, tears dripping down his cheeks. “He has wanted kids for as long as I can remember. Wanted a wonderful husband who just loves him for him, and someone he could love in return and want to raise a child with. Hell, we used to joke that he would even beat Lachlan up the aisle. In our family, it was a running amusement that Pat would produce the first grandchild. It has been a prominent subject for years. Then he got sick, and the dream was sucked away. His boyfriend up and left him because he couldn’t handle the heat of taking care of Pat at his worst and he fucking broke Pat’s heart. Pat was disgusted in himself. He didn’t think anyone was going to love him if he couldn’t walk or use the bathroom on his own when he was sick. He gave up, Aiden. He gave up on everything. And then you came along, you gave him hope, and you loved him for everything he was and didn’t want him to be anything he wasn’t. You nursed him through the bad times, and then you proposed to him and only then did he start to believe again that he was fucking worthy of any of his dream again. But not all of it. Because to have all of it meant more burden on you, and he was as soon as die than hurt you, Aiden. He would give anything to be healthy and have the whole package with you, but he doesn’t want you to give up your whole life for him, and thinks if you two have kids, that’s going to be inevitable. He doesn’t want you to be something you’re not either, and you’re a successful businessman with a thriving business. He couldn’t bear it if you lost part of yourself because of him.”
Aiden put his hands up to cradle his head. He sat like that for a long time, letting all of Cameron’s words absorb and settle somewhere in his heart. It was a long time before he spoke, and Cameron didn’t make any attempt to breach that solitude he needed. “Maybe I didn’t even know what I really wanted until I met him,” he said quietly, lifting his head to meet Cameron’s eyes.
“People can’t change that quickly,” was Cameron’s mumbled response, his mind flicking back to Izzy and what they were inevitably veering towards.
“If it’s real, yes they can,” Aiden returned, holding Cameron’s gaze. “What are you going to do? Are you happy about the pregnancy?”
Cameron bit the inside of his lip and shook his head slowly. There was tension in the air that could probably be cut with a knife, but this was the first time the two of them had connected in any way, he couldn’t cut it off now. But he had to be careful. He didn’t know how much Harri knew, or by default, how much Aiden knew. “No,” he found himself admitted out loud. “She’s cheating on me. I don’t think we’re going to last much longer.”
Aiden frowned, his blue eyes not leaving Cameron’s face. “And you’re going to walk out on your kids because of that?” he asked.
“I can’t even be sure they’re mine,” Cameron said tensely. He swallowed, a nauseous anxiety swelling in his gut again. “I feel like I’ve been taken for a ride. First I learn I might not play again, might need more surgery, and now this. I just… want to go home.”
Aiden didn’t know what to say. He wanted to offer some comforting or reassuring words, but there were none. There was no easy to fix to any of it, and no way to dilute the obvious hurt that was now running through them both. So he just shifted in his chair and gave his brother-in-law a firm hug. And for some disconcerting, unsettling reason, Aiden couldn’t help but think for a moment that all of this was going to lead back to James fucking Campbell.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,315
Grey's Anatomy
Co-written with cameronpreston
[Simultaneous to THIS]
When Cameron returned from the bathroom, where he had literally just sat in one of the cubicles on the closed toilet for close to two hours lost in his own thoughts to try and just think rationally, Aiden was alone at Pat’s bedside. He had Pat’s pink iPod in his ears, his head resting tiredly on his arm that was lying beside Pat’s stomach. Cameron didn’t want to startle him, so he moved slowly to take the seat beside him, giving him enough warning of his presence. Pat looked much the same; small, pale, thin, sick. The new drugs pumping through his system were taking their toll. He wasn’t awake often, and a couple of the times he was, he spent vomiting from side effects until they had to give him another drug to stop the vomiting. It felt like a vicious cycle. With every needle, and poke, and prod Cameron witnessed the doctors giving his twin, it felt like they were more and more ripping his heart out by the bloody roots and dumping it on the bed beside Pat.
Aiden caught sight of the movement in his peripheral vision and lifted his head to offer Cameron the faintest hint of a tired smile, reaching up to take the iPod from his ears. He held the earphones up. “The talent never ceases to amaze me,” he said, his voice scratchy and not even sounding like his own anymore. He was out of the contagious stage of the mono, but his throat still hurt sometimes, just like the rest of his muscles and joints. He just didn’t feel well, but it wasn’t enough to get him to leave Pat’s side.
“What is it?” Cameron asked, taking one of the earphones and leaning forward to put it in his ear to get a listen of what it was. He smiled and nodded. “Lachlan’s album. The early years. The one he wouldn’t let the record company get their hands on. He’s a fucking talented bastard, alright. He could have been a star a long time ago.”
“It’s awesome. I would have loved to get my hands on him and make him a star, but he didn’t want to be solo. How come Pat has the tracks?” Aiden asked curiously, relieved the conversation was light for the moment, though there was something lost in Cameron’s eyes and his voice was flat and drained.
Cameron managed a small smirk. “He blackmailed Lachlan for them. Pat’s got a copy of the CD somewhere in his collection. He’s also got some highly questionable photos of Lachlan in various drunken questionable situations. One cancelled out the other. He must have just transferred the songs to his iPod at some point. Lachlan sung to him when he was sick in this place the first time. When Pat had amnesia and didn’t even remember Tara, but he knew Lachie. Lachie just sat and sung to him some days when the pain was at its worst. It helped Pat through. Lachlan comes off as a frustrated rock god, but he can sing any genre, he can also sing any song just from listening to it, pick up melodies on his instruments too. The talented can be sickening,” he added in amusement. “But it’s healing, soothing.
Aiden nodded. “I can see why.” He turned the device off and placed it back on the table beside Pat’s bed. “You’re not okay, and it goes beyond tapping into what Pat’s feeling. I know, because they have him dosed up on painkillers, and you have just gradually looked worse and worse over the last few days. I’m starting to wonder if you’re going to end up in the bed beside him. And I know we haven’t had much of a chance to get to know each other or even get used to each other, but you are my brother-in-law, and I just wanted you to know if you wanted to talk about anything, I can listen. I might not be able to help much, but I can try.”
Cameron folded his arms across his stomach, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He glanced at Aiden, drawing in a small breath which was let out slowly. “You don’t look so hot yourself, you know. Not even gay guys can pull off the immaculate when their world is going down the toilet,” he noted. “You do still look pretty neat and clean cut, though, even unshaven and I feel like a hobo sitting next to you.”
Aiden laughed slightly. “I think that was a compliment, if I stand on my head and squint.” The humour fell from his tone as quickly as it appeared though, and he sobered, looking back at Pat. “I miss him. Which is stupid, because he’s right here.”
Cameron shook his head. “That’s not stupid. It’s love. You’ve hardly left his side. That’s how it should be…” He cleared his throat a little, ignoring the urge to squirm in his seat from the discontent churning inside him. “Do you regret taking any of this on?”
Aiden probably should have gotten angry and defensive at the question, and would have if it came from anyone but Cameron. It was an honest question, and likely one most wondered the answer to at times like this. “No, he’s the love of my life,” he murmured as he began to rub his fingers protectively up and down Pat’s forearm. “He was honest from the start about everything. I knew what to expect. It just… it doesn’t…”
“Doesn’t get any easier to cope with when it happens,” Cameron finished for him and nodded briefly. “Yeah, I know, mate. I know. Fucking bleeding in the brain and it almost feels like old hat dealing with it.” He put his hand up and rubbed his fingers roughly across his forehead so he didn’t promptly burst into tears again. “I never shake the fear I’m going to lose him,” he admitted in a rough whisper. “I don’t know if I could actually live myself if I did. It’s why I hate myself so much for hurting him when you guys got married. I don’t know what got into me. I’ve lived through this. I know how it feels when his life is skating on thin ice, and I should value every minute. But I hurt him, and I… I… don’t want to do it again, but I’m going to.” He put his hand to his mouth as tears filled his eyes, but he blinked them back, looking apologetically at Aiden. He pulled himself back before the tears fell, though, letting out a heavy breath to regain his composure.
Aiden watch Cameron’s internal struggle by his external reactions. He sat back in his seat, turning so Cameron had his full attention. “I’m not sure you could actually hurt him more than you did with the marriage thing,” he said hesitantly. “Can you…?”
Cameron looked from Aiden to Pat and then back again, squeezing his eyes shut with a small nod. “Yeah, I can,” he admitted hoarsely. “Isabel’s pregnant. Riley did an ultrasound. She’s having identical twins. I didn’t have a chance to tell him before he got sick and I’ve been carrying it around with me since he was admitted.”
Aiden stared at him, shocked. Hearing the news actually came as such a sharp blow that it felt like someone kicked him in the stomach. “Okay, you win,” he whispered, and turned back in his seat, staring straight ahead at the wall across from them. Even if Pat was apparently saying he didn’t want kids, Aiden took the news with much the same impact as he would stepping out in front of a bus. “Don’t worry, though. Pat doesn’t want kids.” It was a detached statement, flat and heavy that just hung in the air.
“Yes, he does,” Cameron mumbled. “He does. He is just telling people he doesn’t so it stops being a painful issue and rubbed in your faces repeatedly. He wants kids. He has always wanted a family of his own. He told me when I was in hospital in Liverpool that he would give anything to have a kid with you, by whatever means, but he needed people to think he doesn’t want them because he doesn’t want you to be burdened with nursing a disabled person and raising a child singlehandedly,” he choked out before the tears did come this time. It hurt inside spilling Pat’s secret, but Aiden needed to know and Cameron was hurting from it by default.
Aiden was reeling inside and he looked at Pat as if his husband would suddenly wake up to confirm the admission. But Pat remained still, unmoving, the heart monitor beeping monotonously above his head and the IV line offering a constant, silent drip drip drip of medication into Pat’s blood stream.
“And Tara and Lachlan offered for Tara to be a surrogate for you both with a donor egg at Lachlan’s birthday party, but Pat turned her down,” Cameron added in a strained, choked voice. He was expecting Aiden to explode angrily, probably how Cameron himself would have reacted, but there was just more silent, more frozen stillness.
When Aiden managed to find his voice and speak, it was choked too, rough, like it didn’t even belong to him. But he managed to remain calm through the shock. Anything else would just take too much of his energy and he might not be able to cope with it. The enormity of it all would hit him later, without a doubt. “And this is why you think you will hurt Pat telling him Isabel is pregnant with twins,” he deduced. His knuckles had whitened from the grip he had on the plastic arms of the chair, but it was keeping him grounded, he just wasn’t sure where he was drawing the strength to latch on like that.
“You don’t think it will?” Cameron asked helplessly, tears dripping down his cheeks. “He has wanted kids for as long as I can remember. Wanted a wonderful husband who just loves him for him, and someone he could love in return and want to raise a child with. Hell, we used to joke that he would even beat Lachlan up the aisle. In our family, it was a running amusement that Pat would produce the first grandchild. It has been a prominent subject for years. Then he got sick, and the dream was sucked away. His boyfriend up and left him because he couldn’t handle the heat of taking care of Pat at his worst and he fucking broke Pat’s heart. Pat was disgusted in himself. He didn’t think anyone was going to love him if he couldn’t walk or use the bathroom on his own when he was sick. He gave up, Aiden. He gave up on everything. And then you came along, you gave him hope, and you loved him for everything he was and didn’t want him to be anything he wasn’t. You nursed him through the bad times, and then you proposed to him and only then did he start to believe again that he was fucking worthy of any of his dream again. But not all of it. Because to have all of it meant more burden on you, and he was as soon as die than hurt you, Aiden. He would give anything to be healthy and have the whole package with you, but he doesn’t want you to give up your whole life for him, and thinks if you two have kids, that’s going to be inevitable. He doesn’t want you to be something you’re not either, and you’re a successful businessman with a thriving business. He couldn’t bear it if you lost part of yourself because of him.”
Aiden put his hands up to cradle his head. He sat like that for a long time, letting all of Cameron’s words absorb and settle somewhere in his heart. It was a long time before he spoke, and Cameron didn’t make any attempt to breach that solitude he needed. “Maybe I didn’t even know what I really wanted until I met him,” he said quietly, lifting his head to meet Cameron’s eyes.
“People can’t change that quickly,” was Cameron’s mumbled response, his mind flicking back to Izzy and what they were inevitably veering towards.
“If it’s real, yes they can,” Aiden returned, holding Cameron’s gaze. “What are you going to do? Are you happy about the pregnancy?”
Cameron bit the inside of his lip and shook his head slowly. There was tension in the air that could probably be cut with a knife, but this was the first time the two of them had connected in any way, he couldn’t cut it off now. But he had to be careful. He didn’t know how much Harri knew, or by default, how much Aiden knew. “No,” he found himself admitted out loud. “She’s cheating on me. I don’t think we’re going to last much longer.”
Aiden frowned, his blue eyes not leaving Cameron’s face. “And you’re going to walk out on your kids because of that?” he asked.
“I can’t even be sure they’re mine,” Cameron said tensely. He swallowed, a nauseous anxiety swelling in his gut again. “I feel like I’ve been taken for a ride. First I learn I might not play again, might need more surgery, and now this. I just… want to go home.”
Aiden didn’t know what to say. He wanted to offer some comforting or reassuring words, but there were none. There was no easy to fix to any of it, and no way to dilute the obvious hurt that was now running through them both. So he just shifted in his chair and gave his brother-in-law a firm hug. And for some disconcerting, unsettling reason, Aiden couldn’t help but think for a moment that all of this was going to lead back to James fucking Campbell.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,315