Everything the same as it ever was
Everything the same as it ever was
I think things might be coming to the point where I really notice the changes. After next week I will be wearing an ankle brace full time. I had an arm spasm so big yesterday that I spilled diet Coke everywhere. Those spasms are bad news. I can’t prove it yet but they seem to be a forerunner of loss. I find that after a period of spasms the limb that was having spasms is significantly weakened, permanently. I guess we will see. At least I have stopped having mid-section spasms and my breathing is still good. I am having an MEG sometime before 15th May so that should tell us something.
How do I feel about this? Right now? Resigned. I just don’t have enough energy to get angry and DO something. I am just carrying on like I have always tried to carry on, no matter what the situation was. I don’t know what I want though so I guess I am also searching. I just don’t have the energy for anger or concentrated effort. It is life, you live it whatever it turns into and do whatever needs to be done to get to the next day. To quote an interview I read today ‘I’m not remotely ambitious in a linear fashion’ sounds posh doesn’t it but I guess that’s what I will be remembered for, nothing fantastical, just plodding ahead. That doesn’t sound good to me. Even if I make a huge contribution to science it won’t get much more than a by line. Plod, plod, plod. Another quote ‘You have to keep exploring or you die’ they left off some key words…it should read ‘You have to keep exploring or you die INSIDE’ …I keep moving, keep trying and keep doing what I can, when I can.
But that’s the name of that tune. Right, Telly?
(And I guess that’s how you can tell you are getting old; all of your social references start to be from dead people.)
Right now I am trying to find a way to keep certain muscles relaxed while I make concentrated efforts. Threading a needle is too difficult, that concentrated effort to hold the thread steady leads to a spasm, same with drawing a straight line with a ruler…the hand holding the ruler down always twitches and screws me up. That means it doesn’t matter if I use my right hand or my left hand I am still spasming. I will ask the physical therapist. They have split eye needles for hand sewing that might work for embroidery. I don’t think a splint or holder attached to my hand would work out…it would only magnify the spasm so I have to think of something else. No body part has been free of spasms so it’s not like I do the left foot thing.
Abstract painting might work out or that loose stuff that Monet was doing that doesn’t rely on tight lines to convey an image. Impressionism.
I bought some grown up colouring books. I am going to try to keep my hands relaxed and try to do some left-handed colouring. See if I can get enough control of the left hand to write legibly. I am beginning with colouring since that’s where little kids start…staying inside the lines, then making loops and swirls, then writing.
I have some ideas for cloth jewellery I would like to try. That seems to be the thing now. I also need to just sit down at a table and finish all the boxes and frames I have.
Actually, I am not as depressed as all that sounds. I am really dehydrated tonight because I have a cold and slept all day trying to beat it and nobody kept me awake long enough to consume more than a couple of mouthfuls of liquid. Being dehydrated always makes me emotional for some reason. Tears want to be shed to keep fluid circulating or something? I’m sure someone knows the scientific reason for all this.
Meantime I think the theme from Rawhide is apt ‘Keep them doggies moving’
B.
I think things might be coming to the point where I really notice the changes. After next week I will be wearing an ankle brace full time. I had an arm spasm so big yesterday that I spilled diet Coke everywhere. Those spasms are bad news. I can’t prove it yet but they seem to be a forerunner of loss. I find that after a period of spasms the limb that was having spasms is significantly weakened, permanently. I guess we will see. At least I have stopped having mid-section spasms and my breathing is still good. I am having an MEG sometime before 15th May so that should tell us something.
How do I feel about this? Right now? Resigned. I just don’t have enough energy to get angry and DO something. I am just carrying on like I have always tried to carry on, no matter what the situation was. I don’t know what I want though so I guess I am also searching. I just don’t have the energy for anger or concentrated effort. It is life, you live it whatever it turns into and do whatever needs to be done to get to the next day. To quote an interview I read today ‘I’m not remotely ambitious in a linear fashion’ sounds posh doesn’t it but I guess that’s what I will be remembered for, nothing fantastical, just plodding ahead. That doesn’t sound good to me. Even if I make a huge contribution to science it won’t get much more than a by line. Plod, plod, plod. Another quote ‘You have to keep exploring or you die’ they left off some key words…it should read ‘You have to keep exploring or you die INSIDE’ …I keep moving, keep trying and keep doing what I can, when I can.
But that’s the name of that tune. Right, Telly?
(And I guess that’s how you can tell you are getting old; all of your social references start to be from dead people.)
Right now I am trying to find a way to keep certain muscles relaxed while I make concentrated efforts. Threading a needle is too difficult, that concentrated effort to hold the thread steady leads to a spasm, same with drawing a straight line with a ruler…the hand holding the ruler down always twitches and screws me up. That means it doesn’t matter if I use my right hand or my left hand I am still spasming. I will ask the physical therapist. They have split eye needles for hand sewing that might work for embroidery. I don’t think a splint or holder attached to my hand would work out…it would only magnify the spasm so I have to think of something else. No body part has been free of spasms so it’s not like I do the left foot thing.
Abstract painting might work out or that loose stuff that Monet was doing that doesn’t rely on tight lines to convey an image. Impressionism.
I bought some grown up colouring books. I am going to try to keep my hands relaxed and try to do some left-handed colouring. See if I can get enough control of the left hand to write legibly. I am beginning with colouring since that’s where little kids start…staying inside the lines, then making loops and swirls, then writing.
I have some ideas for cloth jewellery I would like to try. That seems to be the thing now. I also need to just sit down at a table and finish all the boxes and frames I have.
Actually, I am not as depressed as all that sounds. I am really dehydrated tonight because I have a cold and slept all day trying to beat it and nobody kept me awake long enough to consume more than a couple of mouthfuls of liquid. Being dehydrated always makes me emotional for some reason. Tears want to be shed to keep fluid circulating or something? I’m sure someone knows the scientific reason for all this.
Meantime I think the theme from Rawhide is apt ‘Keep them doggies moving’
B.