Going Left Around the World: Chapter 67
Title: Going Left Around the World
Author: mrs-spamlad
Pairing: Jack/Ennis
Rating: R
Feedback: have at it!
Disclaimer: Brokeback Mountain and the original characters of Jack and Ennis were created by and belong to Annie Proulx. No money is being made from this- I’m just taking them out for a spin!
A/N: Oh, no, another nudge! This chapter comes to you from Gwen, happygirl1 , and it even takes place on a Friday night! It’s still Friday night somewhere, right? The guys have their first meet-up - you all have been waiting almost as long as they have (smile).
My very first novel, Featherweight Heart , is finally out and is doing quite well. It’s currently out of stock on Amazon but scheduled to be available and ship in a couple weeks. It’s also on Dreamspinner’s website, iBooks, Barnesandnoble.com, and probably one or two more I’m forgetting.
Feel free to follow or friend me on my author Facebook page if Facebook is your thing. I’m at:
https://www.facebook.com/jillian.snyder.79
Thanks to shieldmaid1 for her feedback on this chapter and her continued support of this story! And thanks to everyone reading (and nudging) - 8 chapters to go!
Happy reading,
jill
Chapter 67
On Friday afternoon, my office door opened and Chloe, the office manager, came in and dropped into a chair on the other side of my desk. I had my hand on the mouse and I was facing my computer, so I hoped I looked busy even though my mind was a thousand miles away. Actually, it was about six hours in the future, focused on seeing Ennis that night.
“So, are you trying to make my job harder or did I do something to piss you off?” she said without preamble.
“What? I’m not pissed at you,” I said, forcing my attention back to the present. “Why would you say that?”
She tucked a strand of short brown hair behind her ear and sighed. “Because you sent me the wrong files for the conference presentation for the second time. And you haven’t signed off on Michael’s proposal for the spring building tour schedule. And you haven’t given me your list of recommendations of landmark buildings for the Board. For their meeting. Tomorrow. But maybe it’s just me.”
“Shit, I’m sorry. Here,” I said, sifting through papers on my desk. “Michael’s proposal form. And I’ll email you the right files now.”
She nodded and took the form. “Two out of three ain’t bad,” she said with a crooked smile. “But seriously, what’s your deal? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this…scattered. Did Boy Band Brad break your heart?” Chloe had insisted from the beginning that Brad looked like he’d been ripped from a page of a teen magazine and his ‘N Sync-like bandmates were still searching for him.
I narrowed my eyes at her. “No, he did not. We did split up, actually, but I think I’ll survive.”
“You finally dumped him?” she asked, not concealing her excitement.
“He did the dumping.”
Her sculpted eyebrows shot up. “No kidding? Boy Band has balls after all.”
I tried to suppress my smile. “No, Boy Band has eyes. He knew we weren’t a good match. He just called it like he saw it.”
“Huh. So, what’s with the space cadet thing then?”
“I’ve just been a little distracted. I’m sorry for screwing things up.” I sighed, weighing the pros and cons of telling her the truth. She’d get it out of me eventually, so I spared us both the suspense. “I’m getting together with…an old friend tonight. I haven’t seen him in a long time - like, a really long time - and I’m not sure how it’s going to go.”
“An old flame?” she asked, interest renewed. “He’s not another Boy Band, is he?”
I nodded. “Something like that. And no, he’s definitely not.”
“How long has it been?” I gave her a brief and heavily edited version of the saga of Jack and Ennis. “Oh, my God,” she said when I finished. “And he’s coming all that way just to see you tonight?”
“That’s the plan.”
“Do you still love him?” she asked, like she was asking for the time. Even after working side by side with her for almost three years, her directness could still catch me off guard.
“I… don’t know. There’s a lot that has to happen before I can answer that question.”
“Fair enough,” she said with a curt nod. “Email me the right presentation files and go home. You need to get ready and god knows you’re not doing me any good here.”
I grinned. “Sorry to inconvenience you. What about the recommendations for the Board?”
“I’ll find the file in your computer faster than you will. Don’t worry about it.”
“Yes ma’am,” I said as she strode out the door.
I was home by four o’clock, a bit at loose ends about what to do with the extra time on my hands. I decided to eat something, then I jumped in the shower and turned the water up extra hot until the bathroom felt like a sauna. I got out and took my time shaving, and even used some hair product Brad had bought me. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was supposed to do, but it tamed my too-long hair and it smelled good.
I didn’t spend too much time on what to wear: I grabbed a comfortable pair of jeans and threw on a light blue dress shirt. That left me with about an hour to kill. I jumped the first time the phone rang, but it was just Josh checking in, making sure I wasn’t freaking out. He and David were away for the weekend, which was just as well; it forced him to mother me from a distance. I assured him I was fine, left out the butterflies flitting around my stomach, and told him to go spend time with his husband.
The next call, just after eight o’clock, was Ennis.
“Hey,” he said. “I just got up to my room.”
“You made good time.”
“I left a little early. I guess I was in a hurry.”
“Corning, New York, is a hotbed of activity.”
He snickered. “So I hear. I’m going to grab a quick shower. Meet in half an hour?”
“I’ll be there.”
I hung up and my butterflies turned to stones. For better or worse, it was time for a sit-down with Ennis and, I hoped, some answers.
Around eight forty-five, I walked through the Radisson lobby doors and spotted the entrance to the bar. I scanned the lounge to make sure Ennis wasn’t waiting for me, but there was no sign of him so I ventured over to the bar area. I stood at the entryway, letting my eyes adjust to the dim lighting and looking for Ennis. He raised a hand and waved me over to an out-of-the-way table next to a large window.
I smiled and made my way over. He stood when I got to the table and pulled me in for a quick guy-hug.
“Thanks for coming,” he said as we sat down.
“Are you kidding? You just drove three hours to get here.”
He shrugged. “I wanted to. This is long overdue.”
“Agreed,” I said with a nod.
“What are you drinking? I noticed you had white wine at the Kenton Hill event.”
“That’s because I had to be polite,” I said with a grin. “I’ll take a Jack on the rocks.”
Ennis raised his eyebrows. “Shit. I may be in trouble.”
A comeback popped into my head but it sounded way more like flirting that I was comfortable with, so I just shrugged. Ennis went to the bar and was back in a few minutes with our drinks.
“So. VP of Finance for a hospital. What’s that like?” I asked, and took a sip of my drink. A nice, safe topic.
Ennis blew out a long breath. “It’s… okay, I guess. It’s not what I envisioned myself doing back at NYU, but it’s worked out all right. Regular hours, good benefits, decent pay.”
“What did you want to do?” I asked, only then realizing I had never actually asked him.
“I thought I’d stay in the city, end up with a firm on Wall Street. I did one internship like that and, Christ, that shit is cutthroat. I decided it wasn’t for me. After you and I, uh… broke up,” he said and paused to clear his throat, “I threw myself into my schoolwork. Ended up in a dual program that got me my MBA and a Master’s in Public Health.”
“Impressive,” I said. “I guess hospital finance makes sense.”
He nodded. “It pays the bills. So what about you? I didn’t get your business card so all I had to go on was Google.”
I stared at him for a second. “You Googled me?”
His cheeks turned pink and he sank down in his seat a little. “Maybe once or twice. What? You never did it?”
“Honestly, no.” I toyed with the napkin on the table. “I didn’t want to know. I thought that…. I just thought I’d rather not know.”
He leaned forward. “Jack, I -”
“So what did Google tell you?” I interrupted. I imagined we’d get to serious topics, but I wasn’t ready to go there yet. He took the hint.
“That you’re a historical archivist for The Landmark Society of Western New York. You’re on the webpage.” I nodded.
“I got my Master’s in Education, but I didn’t want to do the K-12 teaching thing. I took my time finishing my degree, and then took some time after I finished to figure out which way I wanted to go. I could afford to because Mom….” I trailed off and he nodded. “I worked for the county library system for a while, but when the Landmark job came up, I grabbed it. Even though it meant moving.”
“What exactly do you do?”
“Lots of stuff. We’re responsible for granting landmark status to historical buildings, so I coordinate that - all the research and inspections that have to happen. We runs tours, anywhere from a day to a week, of historical areas in a bunch of cities. Presentations, education. Oh, and I just picked up a side job as an adjunct professor. A couple sections of local history at the community college.”
“Dr. Twist? No kidding?”
“Not quite. I really like teaching, though, so a Ph.D. isn’t out of the question. I’ve been thinking about going back to school,” I said.
“That’s great. Would you stay here?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I’m not that far in the process of investigating.”
A waitress stopped by the table, collected our empty glasses, and took our orders for refills. We sat in silence for a few minutes until the alcohol returned. I debated where to dive in with the more serious stuff, but I remembered something I really wanted the answer to.
“Can I ask you something?” I said. “Not so chit-chatty? You can tell me to mind my own business if you want.”
Ennis leaned back in his chair. “I hid more shit from you than I ever should have, and I won’t do it anymore. You can ask me anything.”
I leaned in across the table, unsure if it was a sensitive topic. “When the hell did you start telling people you’re gay? How did that happen?”
He smiled. “Going right for the big stuff, huh?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know how long I’ll have you for, so I figure I better ask now.”
A jumble of emotions flickered across his face at my words and his gaze shifted to the tabletop. “Do you want the uncensored version, or the abbreviated one?” he asked.
“Uncensored,” I answered without a thought about what that might include.
“All right. Umm, after you and I split up, I stayed on my own for a while. Eventually, I dated a couple girls, but it didn’t take me long to figure out that it was nothing compared to…. I realized girls really weren’t doing it for me.” I nodded. “So, one night, drunk, sad, and who the fuck knows what else, I hooked up with a guy. And that was it.”
Anger rose up in me faster than I could mask it. “That was it? One hook-up and you’re gay, and all those years that we -”
“No,” he said, holding up a hand to settle me. “I only slept with guys, but I didn’t tell anybody. Not for a long time. Toward the end of grad school there was one guy who was… more than a hook-up. People started to notice that we were always together, and I realized nobody cared. So, I told a few friends.”
I took a long sip of my drink, not liking at all the idea of Ennis with someone who was more than a hook-up.
“Are you sure you want to hear this?” he asked.
“Yeah. It’s fine,” I said, the ice clinking in my glass as I set it down.
“Okay. So, I guess I was getting okay with the gay thing in my head. After I graduated, I got my first job as a financial analyst at a hospital in Syracuse. I’d been there for a few months and this doctor asked me out. I said yes, and we became a thing, so people around there started to know, and then I realized that I didn’t care. I was with Dennis for over a year -”
“Dennis?” I interrupted. “Dennis and Ennis? Nice.” I was seriously losing the check on my emotions, but as usual, the words flew out uncensored.
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know. We heard it a thousand times.” His “we” got under my skin, but I tamped it down and kept talking.
“So, you got okay with it, started telling people… but did you tell your parents? Or are they still trying to fix you up with women?”
“Oh, they know. That didn’t go as well as it could have, although I doubt they ever would have been happy to find out.”
“How did you tell them?” I asked.
He squinted up at me through his lashes. “Unrated version?” Stupidly, I nodded. “Syracuse isn’t too far from home - where my parents still live - and they decided to drive up there for the State Fair one year. On a whim, before they drove home, they decided to swing by and say hello. So, they got to my apartment, knocked, but I didn’t answer. I guess they heard a crash or something and, lucky me, I hadn’t locked the door so they just came in. About ten feet away, I was standing against the kitchen counter with my pants down and an oncologist on his knees sucking me off. I didn’t have to explain a whole lot.”
“Holy shit,” I said and swallowed hard. I didn’t think there was anything worse than my “Ennis and his wife and kids” scenario. I was wrong. I picked up my glass for a drink but it was empty.
I don’t know what I looked like, but Ennis said, “Hey, are you okay? I wasn’t trying to… you know.”
“I’m fine,” I said, going for a casual tone and failing big time. “Going to go to the bathroom. Be right back.” I got up and went into the men’s room which was, thankfully, empty. I took a leak and washed my hands, and then splashed a little water on my face. This is shit I need to know, I reminded myself. How can we get past anything if we don’t talk about this kind of stuff?
I left the restroom and took a detour by the bar. I ordered refills on our regular drinks along with a couple shots. I made my way back to the table, armed with liquid courage to continue the conversation. I set the group of glasses down on the table and Ennis raised an eyebrow.
“I hope you’re not planning on driving any time soon,” he said.
“Nope,” I said, and tossed back a shot of tequila. “Unless you have someplace to be.” He shook his head. “So, the del Mars have a gay son and they’re not happy?” I asked, picking up the conversation.
Ennis shifted in his seat. “It’s not like they don’t talk to me, and I still go home for holidays and stuff. You know how they are - it’s the elephant in the room.” He sighed. “And my mom does, on occasion, mention nice young women she meets at church. Denial, I guess.”
I nodded. “Sounds about right. I’m sure she knew about us.”
“Bullshit! How the hell would she have known?”
“Well, with hindsight being 20/20 and all, I’m not sure we were as discreet as we thought. And remember how she got all weird about me sleeping in the guest room? Why do you think that was?”
He sat, quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I remember. I don’t know. Maybe she suspected. She never said anything to me.”
We sat in silence for a couple minutes, not sure where to go next. My head was a little fuzzy after the shot, but whatever got the image of Ennis and Dr. Dicksucker out of my mind was a good thing.
Finally, he leaned forward and lobbed the ball into my court. “All right. I shared. Now it’s your turn.”
I smiled. “What do you want to know?”
“Everything.” Pause. “Nothing,” he muttered with a grimace.
“We’re in the same boat, then. But fair is fair.”
He nodded. “So, based on last weekend, I guess you’re currently… attached?”
I swirled the ice in my glass. “Nope. Boy Band dumped me.”
“‘Boy Band’?” he echoed with a laugh.
“Shit. Chloe, the office manager at work, calls him Boy Band Brad, because he looks like -”
“A refugee from One Direction?” he finished.
I laughed. “Yeah. Anyway, it wasn’t anything serious. We weren’t really a good match.”
“No kidding,” he said wryly.
“So, what? You want my dating resume? There have been a couple of guys I stayed with for a while. ‘A while’ meaning at least six months, but less than a year. There really hasn’t been anyone serious, except maybe Josh.”
Ennis face went dark at that. “Josh?”
“Yeah. We were together for… three years? Or was it -”
“So I was right?” he interrupted.
“Right about what?”
“That day - the last time I came to see you - he answered the door half-naked.”
“Oh, that,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “No, we weren’t together then. I told you the truth. I didn’t get together with Josh until about a year later. He was just a friend. He’s always been a friend.”
“Great,” Ennis said through gritted teeth and downed the shot he’d ignored until then.
“Another round?” I asked.
He nodded. “I think we need it.”
We navigated the conversation back to safer waters, and sat for another hour getting caught up on the last decade. We drank steadily and, while I wouldn’t say we were wasted, after a while we were definitely intoxicated. I put a damper on the flow of alcohol because I had to drive, and we moved out into the empty lounge to wait for the effects to wear off. We flopped down side by side onto a two-seater couch and stretched our legs out in front of us.
“So, now we just wait it out?” he asked.
“Yep. Not gonna kill someone driving home.”
The big-screen TV on the wall was tuned to ESPN, and we fell into silence as we watched replayed highlights from the day in sports. After a while, Ennis looked over at me.
“Tell me something,” he said.
“What?”
“I don’t know. Anything. Something I don’t know already. Something important.” He shifted toward me on the couch.
“Something important,” I repeated. I thought for a second and only one thing popped into my head - Mom. I mirrored his position and cleared my throat. “God, this is so strange. All right. Uh, I’ve never…. I still have my mom’s ashes. I know it seems weird, but…. The house sold, and I hadn’t really lived there in years. Couldn’t stand to think of her just buried somewhere, or in a wall, so…I kept them. The only place she ever was was with me.”
“Shit,” Ennis said softly and rested a hand on my arm. “It’s not weird.”
The combination of alcohol, mom-talk, and Ennis’s touch had my eyes welling. I swiped at them with my free hand. “Sorry,” I said, my voice rough and I felt a gentle squeeze on my arm. “Christ, I wasn’t expecting that to come out.” I took a deep breath and looked up at him. “Okay. Your turn. Tell me something.”
He bit his lip and looked down at his lap. To my surprise, when he met my gaze, his eyes were shining. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “Ten years ago, I hurt the person I loved most in the world, in the worst way possible. And almost every day since then, I’ve wished that I could go back. Do everything different.”
I gazed at him, a lump rising in my throat again. “Jesus, Ennis,” I whispered. My mind was spinning at a hundred miles an hour and I felt like I might be sick. “I gotta get out of here.” I stood up and looked around, unsure exactly where I was going since I was still buzzed.
“C’mon.” Ennis grabbed my hand and led me down a hall. Numbered doors whizzed past until he stopped and slid a card from his pocket into the slot on door 122. The lock clicked, and he pushed the handle and pulled me inside. “Sit,” he said, and deposited me at the foot of the king bed. He disappeared into the bathroom and returned with a glass of water in hand. “Here, drink this.” He handed me the plastic cup and sat down beside me.
I took a long drink and rested my elbows on my knees. I felt a warm hand on my back run from my shoulders down to my waist, where it stopped and stayed. I didn’t move. I liked it there, but I also needed to clear the fog in my head. I finally sighed and sat up straight.
“Are you feeling all right?” Ennis asked.
“Better,” I said, acutely aware that he hadn’t moved his hand. “I guess I just needed some air.”
He gave me a crooked smile and looked around the room. “I can try to open the window.”
I shook my head. “No. I’m fine. That was just a little… intense.”
“Yeah. Jack, look, what I said -”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to -”
“Shut up. I meant it. I need you to know that if nothing else.” He scooted incrementally closer and our knees touched.
“Yeah. I know,” I said, closer to his dark, penetrating gaze than I ever thought I would be again. I watched as his eyes drifted down to my mouth.
“I just…. Can I…?” He raised his hand to my face brushed his thumb across my cheek. For a moment, he reminded me of my old Ennis, stuttering and stumbling over what he wanted.
I nodded and he inched forward. We came together like no time had passed, his mouth on mine, and I inhaled deeply, breathing in his scent. It was different, faded cologne and soap and sweat. But it was still familiar, still him, and the thought flitted through my mind that it was the easiest breath I had taken in ten years.
today
yesterday
Author: mrs-spamlad
Pairing: Jack/Ennis
Rating: R
Feedback: have at it!
Disclaimer: Brokeback Mountain and the original characters of Jack and Ennis were created by and belong to Annie Proulx. No money is being made from this- I’m just taking them out for a spin!
A/N: Oh, no, another nudge! This chapter comes to you from Gwen, happygirl1 , and it even takes place on a Friday night! It’s still Friday night somewhere, right? The guys have their first meet-up - you all have been waiting almost as long as they have (smile).
My very first novel, Featherweight Heart , is finally out and is doing quite well. It’s currently out of stock on Amazon but scheduled to be available and ship in a couple weeks. It’s also on Dreamspinner’s website, iBooks, Barnesandnoble.com, and probably one or two more I’m forgetting.
Feel free to follow or friend me on my author Facebook page if Facebook is your thing. I’m at:
https://www.facebook.com/jillian.snyder.79
Thanks to shieldmaid1 for her feedback on this chapter and her continued support of this story! And thanks to everyone reading (and nudging) - 8 chapters to go!
Happy reading,
jill
Chapter 67
On Friday afternoon, my office door opened and Chloe, the office manager, came in and dropped into a chair on the other side of my desk. I had my hand on the mouse and I was facing my computer, so I hoped I looked busy even though my mind was a thousand miles away. Actually, it was about six hours in the future, focused on seeing Ennis that night.
“So, are you trying to make my job harder or did I do something to piss you off?” she said without preamble.
“What? I’m not pissed at you,” I said, forcing my attention back to the present. “Why would you say that?”
She tucked a strand of short brown hair behind her ear and sighed. “Because you sent me the wrong files for the conference presentation for the second time. And you haven’t signed off on Michael’s proposal for the spring building tour schedule. And you haven’t given me your list of recommendations of landmark buildings for the Board. For their meeting. Tomorrow. But maybe it’s just me.”
“Shit, I’m sorry. Here,” I said, sifting through papers on my desk. “Michael’s proposal form. And I’ll email you the right files now.”
She nodded and took the form. “Two out of three ain’t bad,” she said with a crooked smile. “But seriously, what’s your deal? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this…scattered. Did Boy Band Brad break your heart?” Chloe had insisted from the beginning that Brad looked like he’d been ripped from a page of a teen magazine and his ‘N Sync-like bandmates were still searching for him.
I narrowed my eyes at her. “No, he did not. We did split up, actually, but I think I’ll survive.”
“You finally dumped him?” she asked, not concealing her excitement.
“He did the dumping.”
Her sculpted eyebrows shot up. “No kidding? Boy Band has balls after all.”
I tried to suppress my smile. “No, Boy Band has eyes. He knew we weren’t a good match. He just called it like he saw it.”
“Huh. So, what’s with the space cadet thing then?”
“I’ve just been a little distracted. I’m sorry for screwing things up.” I sighed, weighing the pros and cons of telling her the truth. She’d get it out of me eventually, so I spared us both the suspense. “I’m getting together with…an old friend tonight. I haven’t seen him in a long time - like, a really long time - and I’m not sure how it’s going to go.”
“An old flame?” she asked, interest renewed. “He’s not another Boy Band, is he?”
I nodded. “Something like that. And no, he’s definitely not.”
“How long has it been?” I gave her a brief and heavily edited version of the saga of Jack and Ennis. “Oh, my God,” she said when I finished. “And he’s coming all that way just to see you tonight?”
“That’s the plan.”
“Do you still love him?” she asked, like she was asking for the time. Even after working side by side with her for almost three years, her directness could still catch me off guard.
“I… don’t know. There’s a lot that has to happen before I can answer that question.”
“Fair enough,” she said with a curt nod. “Email me the right presentation files and go home. You need to get ready and god knows you’re not doing me any good here.”
I grinned. “Sorry to inconvenience you. What about the recommendations for the Board?”
“I’ll find the file in your computer faster than you will. Don’t worry about it.”
“Yes ma’am,” I said as she strode out the door.
I was home by four o’clock, a bit at loose ends about what to do with the extra time on my hands. I decided to eat something, then I jumped in the shower and turned the water up extra hot until the bathroom felt like a sauna. I got out and took my time shaving, and even used some hair product Brad had bought me. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was supposed to do, but it tamed my too-long hair and it smelled good.
I didn’t spend too much time on what to wear: I grabbed a comfortable pair of jeans and threw on a light blue dress shirt. That left me with about an hour to kill. I jumped the first time the phone rang, but it was just Josh checking in, making sure I wasn’t freaking out. He and David were away for the weekend, which was just as well; it forced him to mother me from a distance. I assured him I was fine, left out the butterflies flitting around my stomach, and told him to go spend time with his husband.
The next call, just after eight o’clock, was Ennis.
“Hey,” he said. “I just got up to my room.”
“You made good time.”
“I left a little early. I guess I was in a hurry.”
“Corning, New York, is a hotbed of activity.”
He snickered. “So I hear. I’m going to grab a quick shower. Meet in half an hour?”
“I’ll be there.”
I hung up and my butterflies turned to stones. For better or worse, it was time for a sit-down with Ennis and, I hoped, some answers.
Around eight forty-five, I walked through the Radisson lobby doors and spotted the entrance to the bar. I scanned the lounge to make sure Ennis wasn’t waiting for me, but there was no sign of him so I ventured over to the bar area. I stood at the entryway, letting my eyes adjust to the dim lighting and looking for Ennis. He raised a hand and waved me over to an out-of-the-way table next to a large window.
I smiled and made my way over. He stood when I got to the table and pulled me in for a quick guy-hug.
“Thanks for coming,” he said as we sat down.
“Are you kidding? You just drove three hours to get here.”
He shrugged. “I wanted to. This is long overdue.”
“Agreed,” I said with a nod.
“What are you drinking? I noticed you had white wine at the Kenton Hill event.”
“That’s because I had to be polite,” I said with a grin. “I’ll take a Jack on the rocks.”
Ennis raised his eyebrows. “Shit. I may be in trouble.”
A comeback popped into my head but it sounded way more like flirting that I was comfortable with, so I just shrugged. Ennis went to the bar and was back in a few minutes with our drinks.
“So. VP of Finance for a hospital. What’s that like?” I asked, and took a sip of my drink. A nice, safe topic.
Ennis blew out a long breath. “It’s… okay, I guess. It’s not what I envisioned myself doing back at NYU, but it’s worked out all right. Regular hours, good benefits, decent pay.”
“What did you want to do?” I asked, only then realizing I had never actually asked him.
“I thought I’d stay in the city, end up with a firm on Wall Street. I did one internship like that and, Christ, that shit is cutthroat. I decided it wasn’t for me. After you and I, uh… broke up,” he said and paused to clear his throat, “I threw myself into my schoolwork. Ended up in a dual program that got me my MBA and a Master’s in Public Health.”
“Impressive,” I said. “I guess hospital finance makes sense.”
He nodded. “It pays the bills. So what about you? I didn’t get your business card so all I had to go on was Google.”
I stared at him for a second. “You Googled me?”
His cheeks turned pink and he sank down in his seat a little. “Maybe once or twice. What? You never did it?”
“Honestly, no.” I toyed with the napkin on the table. “I didn’t want to know. I thought that…. I just thought I’d rather not know.”
He leaned forward. “Jack, I -”
“So what did Google tell you?” I interrupted. I imagined we’d get to serious topics, but I wasn’t ready to go there yet. He took the hint.
“That you’re a historical archivist for The Landmark Society of Western New York. You’re on the webpage.” I nodded.
“I got my Master’s in Education, but I didn’t want to do the K-12 teaching thing. I took my time finishing my degree, and then took some time after I finished to figure out which way I wanted to go. I could afford to because Mom….” I trailed off and he nodded. “I worked for the county library system for a while, but when the Landmark job came up, I grabbed it. Even though it meant moving.”
“What exactly do you do?”
“Lots of stuff. We’re responsible for granting landmark status to historical buildings, so I coordinate that - all the research and inspections that have to happen. We runs tours, anywhere from a day to a week, of historical areas in a bunch of cities. Presentations, education. Oh, and I just picked up a side job as an adjunct professor. A couple sections of local history at the community college.”
“Dr. Twist? No kidding?”
“Not quite. I really like teaching, though, so a Ph.D. isn’t out of the question. I’ve been thinking about going back to school,” I said.
“That’s great. Would you stay here?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I’m not that far in the process of investigating.”
A waitress stopped by the table, collected our empty glasses, and took our orders for refills. We sat in silence for a few minutes until the alcohol returned. I debated where to dive in with the more serious stuff, but I remembered something I really wanted the answer to.
“Can I ask you something?” I said. “Not so chit-chatty? You can tell me to mind my own business if you want.”
Ennis leaned back in his chair. “I hid more shit from you than I ever should have, and I won’t do it anymore. You can ask me anything.”
I leaned in across the table, unsure if it was a sensitive topic. “When the hell did you start telling people you’re gay? How did that happen?”
He smiled. “Going right for the big stuff, huh?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know how long I’ll have you for, so I figure I better ask now.”
A jumble of emotions flickered across his face at my words and his gaze shifted to the tabletop. “Do you want the uncensored version, or the abbreviated one?” he asked.
“Uncensored,” I answered without a thought about what that might include.
“All right. Umm, after you and I split up, I stayed on my own for a while. Eventually, I dated a couple girls, but it didn’t take me long to figure out that it was nothing compared to…. I realized girls really weren’t doing it for me.” I nodded. “So, one night, drunk, sad, and who the fuck knows what else, I hooked up with a guy. And that was it.”
Anger rose up in me faster than I could mask it. “That was it? One hook-up and you’re gay, and all those years that we -”
“No,” he said, holding up a hand to settle me. “I only slept with guys, but I didn’t tell anybody. Not for a long time. Toward the end of grad school there was one guy who was… more than a hook-up. People started to notice that we were always together, and I realized nobody cared. So, I told a few friends.”
I took a long sip of my drink, not liking at all the idea of Ennis with someone who was more than a hook-up.
“Are you sure you want to hear this?” he asked.
“Yeah. It’s fine,” I said, the ice clinking in my glass as I set it down.
“Okay. So, I guess I was getting okay with the gay thing in my head. After I graduated, I got my first job as a financial analyst at a hospital in Syracuse. I’d been there for a few months and this doctor asked me out. I said yes, and we became a thing, so people around there started to know, and then I realized that I didn’t care. I was with Dennis for over a year -”
“Dennis?” I interrupted. “Dennis and Ennis? Nice.” I was seriously losing the check on my emotions, but as usual, the words flew out uncensored.
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know. We heard it a thousand times.” His “we” got under my skin, but I tamped it down and kept talking.
“So, you got okay with it, started telling people… but did you tell your parents? Or are they still trying to fix you up with women?”
“Oh, they know. That didn’t go as well as it could have, although I doubt they ever would have been happy to find out.”
“How did you tell them?” I asked.
He squinted up at me through his lashes. “Unrated version?” Stupidly, I nodded. “Syracuse isn’t too far from home - where my parents still live - and they decided to drive up there for the State Fair one year. On a whim, before they drove home, they decided to swing by and say hello. So, they got to my apartment, knocked, but I didn’t answer. I guess they heard a crash or something and, lucky me, I hadn’t locked the door so they just came in. About ten feet away, I was standing against the kitchen counter with my pants down and an oncologist on his knees sucking me off. I didn’t have to explain a whole lot.”
“Holy shit,” I said and swallowed hard. I didn’t think there was anything worse than my “Ennis and his wife and kids” scenario. I was wrong. I picked up my glass for a drink but it was empty.
I don’t know what I looked like, but Ennis said, “Hey, are you okay? I wasn’t trying to… you know.”
“I’m fine,” I said, going for a casual tone and failing big time. “Going to go to the bathroom. Be right back.” I got up and went into the men’s room which was, thankfully, empty. I took a leak and washed my hands, and then splashed a little water on my face. This is shit I need to know, I reminded myself. How can we get past anything if we don’t talk about this kind of stuff?
I left the restroom and took a detour by the bar. I ordered refills on our regular drinks along with a couple shots. I made my way back to the table, armed with liquid courage to continue the conversation. I set the group of glasses down on the table and Ennis raised an eyebrow.
“I hope you’re not planning on driving any time soon,” he said.
“Nope,” I said, and tossed back a shot of tequila. “Unless you have someplace to be.” He shook his head. “So, the del Mars have a gay son and they’re not happy?” I asked, picking up the conversation.
Ennis shifted in his seat. “It’s not like they don’t talk to me, and I still go home for holidays and stuff. You know how they are - it’s the elephant in the room.” He sighed. “And my mom does, on occasion, mention nice young women she meets at church. Denial, I guess.”
I nodded. “Sounds about right. I’m sure she knew about us.”
“Bullshit! How the hell would she have known?”
“Well, with hindsight being 20/20 and all, I’m not sure we were as discreet as we thought. And remember how she got all weird about me sleeping in the guest room? Why do you think that was?”
He sat, quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I remember. I don’t know. Maybe she suspected. She never said anything to me.”
We sat in silence for a couple minutes, not sure where to go next. My head was a little fuzzy after the shot, but whatever got the image of Ennis and Dr. Dicksucker out of my mind was a good thing.
Finally, he leaned forward and lobbed the ball into my court. “All right. I shared. Now it’s your turn.”
I smiled. “What do you want to know?”
“Everything.” Pause. “Nothing,” he muttered with a grimace.
“We’re in the same boat, then. But fair is fair.”
He nodded. “So, based on last weekend, I guess you’re currently… attached?”
I swirled the ice in my glass. “Nope. Boy Band dumped me.”
“‘Boy Band’?” he echoed with a laugh.
“Shit. Chloe, the office manager at work, calls him Boy Band Brad, because he looks like -”
“A refugee from One Direction?” he finished.
I laughed. “Yeah. Anyway, it wasn’t anything serious. We weren’t really a good match.”
“No kidding,” he said wryly.
“So, what? You want my dating resume? There have been a couple of guys I stayed with for a while. ‘A while’ meaning at least six months, but less than a year. There really hasn’t been anyone serious, except maybe Josh.”
Ennis face went dark at that. “Josh?”
“Yeah. We were together for… three years? Or was it -”
“So I was right?” he interrupted.
“Right about what?”
“That day - the last time I came to see you - he answered the door half-naked.”
“Oh, that,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “No, we weren’t together then. I told you the truth. I didn’t get together with Josh until about a year later. He was just a friend. He’s always been a friend.”
“Great,” Ennis said through gritted teeth and downed the shot he’d ignored until then.
“Another round?” I asked.
He nodded. “I think we need it.”
We navigated the conversation back to safer waters, and sat for another hour getting caught up on the last decade. We drank steadily and, while I wouldn’t say we were wasted, after a while we were definitely intoxicated. I put a damper on the flow of alcohol because I had to drive, and we moved out into the empty lounge to wait for the effects to wear off. We flopped down side by side onto a two-seater couch and stretched our legs out in front of us.
“So, now we just wait it out?” he asked.
“Yep. Not gonna kill someone driving home.”
The big-screen TV on the wall was tuned to ESPN, and we fell into silence as we watched replayed highlights from the day in sports. After a while, Ennis looked over at me.
“Tell me something,” he said.
“What?”
“I don’t know. Anything. Something I don’t know already. Something important.” He shifted toward me on the couch.
“Something important,” I repeated. I thought for a second and only one thing popped into my head - Mom. I mirrored his position and cleared my throat. “God, this is so strange. All right. Uh, I’ve never…. I still have my mom’s ashes. I know it seems weird, but…. The house sold, and I hadn’t really lived there in years. Couldn’t stand to think of her just buried somewhere, or in a wall, so…I kept them. The only place she ever was was with me.”
“Shit,” Ennis said softly and rested a hand on my arm. “It’s not weird.”
The combination of alcohol, mom-talk, and Ennis’s touch had my eyes welling. I swiped at them with my free hand. “Sorry,” I said, my voice rough and I felt a gentle squeeze on my arm. “Christ, I wasn’t expecting that to come out.” I took a deep breath and looked up at him. “Okay. Your turn. Tell me something.”
He bit his lip and looked down at his lap. To my surprise, when he met my gaze, his eyes were shining. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “Ten years ago, I hurt the person I loved most in the world, in the worst way possible. And almost every day since then, I’ve wished that I could go back. Do everything different.”
I gazed at him, a lump rising in my throat again. “Jesus, Ennis,” I whispered. My mind was spinning at a hundred miles an hour and I felt like I might be sick. “I gotta get out of here.” I stood up and looked around, unsure exactly where I was going since I was still buzzed.
“C’mon.” Ennis grabbed my hand and led me down a hall. Numbered doors whizzed past until he stopped and slid a card from his pocket into the slot on door 122. The lock clicked, and he pushed the handle and pulled me inside. “Sit,” he said, and deposited me at the foot of the king bed. He disappeared into the bathroom and returned with a glass of water in hand. “Here, drink this.” He handed me the plastic cup and sat down beside me.
I took a long drink and rested my elbows on my knees. I felt a warm hand on my back run from my shoulders down to my waist, where it stopped and stayed. I didn’t move. I liked it there, but I also needed to clear the fog in my head. I finally sighed and sat up straight.
“Are you feeling all right?” Ennis asked.
“Better,” I said, acutely aware that he hadn’t moved his hand. “I guess I just needed some air.”
He gave me a crooked smile and looked around the room. “I can try to open the window.”
I shook my head. “No. I’m fine. That was just a little… intense.”
“Yeah. Jack, look, what I said -”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to -”
“Shut up. I meant it. I need you to know that if nothing else.” He scooted incrementally closer and our knees touched.
“Yeah. I know,” I said, closer to his dark, penetrating gaze than I ever thought I would be again. I watched as his eyes drifted down to my mouth.
“I just…. Can I…?” He raised his hand to my face brushed his thumb across my cheek. For a moment, he reminded me of my old Ennis, stuttering and stumbling over what he wanted.
I nodded and he inched forward. We came together like no time had passed, his mouth on mine, and I inhaled deeply, breathing in his scent. It was different, faded cologne and soap and sweat. But it was still familiar, still him, and the thought flitted through my mind that it was the easiest breath I had taken in ten years.
today
yesterday