Going Left Around the World: Chapter 69
Title: Going Left Around the World
Author: mrs-spamlad
Pairing: Jack/Ennis
Rating: R
Feedback: have at it!
Disclaimer: Brokeback Mountain and the original characters of Jack and Ennis were created by and belong to Annie Proulx. No money is being made from this- I’m just taking them out for a spin!
A/N: I have finally made it through the edits for this chapter! It seemed like every time I sat down to do it, I’d get through a page and then something else would call me away. This is a longer chapter with some hard stuff, some things we didn’t know about Jack during the years they spent apart, and also some sweetness. I hope you enjoy.
I’ve gotten several nudges for this chapter, so this comes courtesy of robbiereeger , and happygirl1, and a couple of other private messages I got as well. Thank you all for your patience and for sticking with this story. I’ve begun to break it down and edit it for submission which is a monumental task - it breaks up into three complete novels! It’s slow going for me, though, because I work best with someone to bounce ideas off of in the moment, and I’m lacking that right now. Hopefully I’ll get there eventually; it’s just not as much fun as it usually is.
Anyway, happy reading - six more to go!
jill
Chapter 69
I woke up at my usual time the next morning, Ennis still asleep beside me. I allowed myself a minute or two just to look at him, unobserved: the tiny freckles that sprayed his nose and grew lighter over his cheeks; the fine lines around his eyes that matched mine; his hair, so much shorter than I remembered, that made me miss his curls.
I was already armed with morning wood and gazing at Ennis wasn’t helping, so I forced myself out of bed and into some running clothes. I didn’t plan on a marathon, but I thought a few miles might get us past any early morning dangers: wake-up sex, who showers first, walking around naked. I had just finished lacing up my sneakers when he rolled over and I felt his warm hand at the base of my spine.
“What time is it?” he asked through a yawn.
“Eight-forty,” I said and shifted around to face him. “I won’t be long - I’m just going to do a short one this morning. You can shower and stuff while I’m out, grab some clean clothes. Just poke around in the drawers and help yourself.”
He pressed his lips together for a second, and then said, “Okay. Sounds good.”
I took off and did a quick 5K, then stretched it out to a full thirty minutes with a cooldown. I reentered the house and found him sitting on the sofa with a mug of coffee, flipping through channels. I growled inwardly at the little flip my stomach did, coming home to him in such a domestic scene.
“You good?” he asked.
“I’ll do,” I said with a smile.
“I would’ve come up with something to eat, but I wasn’t sure how long you’d be.”
“It’s okay. I’ll just grab a shower and we’ll figure it out.”
Twenty minutes later, I was dressed and at the stove, scrambling eggs and picking waffles out of the waffle iron. “It’s ready,” I called.
Ennis wandered into the kitchen and set his mug next to the coffeemaker for a refill. “You want a cup?” he asked.
“Sounds good.” He made his way over to the cabinet where he had found the mugs, but paused behind me at the sink. I leaned back into him ever so slightly, and I felt his long, slow exhale breeze over my skin. He leaned in a little further and pecked me on the cheek, then continued to the cabinet. “What was that for?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Last night. Breakfast. Talking to me again.”
“The first two were easy,” I said, realizing too late that what I’d meant as a joke scratched at the surface of something much bigger. “Sorry,” I mumbled.
He poured our coffee and sat down at the table. “No sorry. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you, because it wasn’t easy for me either.”
In that moment, I felt like kind of a dumbass for not considering the idea that any of this might be hard for him, too. I sat down across from him and met his gaze. “Well, I’m glad you came to talk to me at homecoming.”
He smiled. “Me, too.”
All through breakfast, my brain was running a background program, trying to work out something for us to do today. I’d come up with nothing when I heard my phone ring in the other room. “That’s weird,” I said with a furrowed brow. “Be right back.”
I jogged into the living room, found my phone and clicked to take the call just before it went to voicemail.
“How was the getaway?” I asked Josh. “You’re back earlier that I thought.”
“We changed the plan a little - got back late last night. David has some work thing he needs to take care of today.”
I wasn’t surprised to hear that. David was a lawyer with a successful practice and demanding clients, from what I knew. “That sucks. At least you got to go, though. Get a little one-on-one time.”
“Yeah,” Josh said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. “Speaking of, how are things going with your weekend?”
“Good,” I said. “Better than expected, actually.” I lowered my voice a bit. “I’ll have to fill you in later.”
“He’s there? Now?” Josh yelled. “That can only mean one thing.”
I huffed into the phone. “I’d like to talk about it later, like I said, but yes, he’s here now and I have to go back to breakfast.”
“Oh, my god, you slept with him,” Josh groaned.
“No, I didn’t! I mean, I did, but it was just sleep. For real.”
“Jesus! Don’t do that to me,” he said.
“It’s not like you think. He’s really… different. Not the guy I walked away from all those years ago.”
“I’d say ‘I’ll believe it when I see it’, but that’s why I’m calling, actually. If he’ll still be in town later, why don’t you two come for an early dinner? I’d like to see him again.”
I wasn’t sure how Ennis would feel about that, and I wasn’t sure if Josh had anything up his sleeve. “I don’t know,” I hedged.
“C’mon! At least ask him. I’ll be good, I promise. Just old friends catching up.”
“Fine. I’ll ask and I’ll let you know.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to you in a bit. And I’m glad to know your virtue is still intact,” he said.
“Who said anything about that? We’d just worn ourselves out by last night.” I laughed to myself as I heard Josh’s “Wha-!” as I hung up.
I went back into the kitchen and sat down, setting my phone next to me. “Sorry about that. It was Josh.”
Ennis sipped his coffee slowly and eyed me over the rim of the mug. “Oh,” he said. “Everything all right?”
Shit, I thought. I could tell by the way his face had closed up, his words short and pinched - exactly like old Ennis - that this wasn’t going to go over well. I plowed ahead anyway. If he had a problem, he was going to have to open his mouth and say so.
“Yeah, everything’s fine. He and David were away for a long weekend, but they got back early. David’s a lawyer, so he had some work thing.” Silence. “He asked about you.”
“I’ll bet he did,” he muttered.
I raised my eyebrows and shot him a warning look. “I told him we were having a good weekend, and he invited us to dinner at their place.”
He set down his coffee and stared at me. “You’re kidding.”
“No. It’s a bit of a drive, but if we left early, we could have dinner and be back in time for whenever you need to be on the road.”
He pushed his chair back from the table and took a deep breath. “You’re seriously suggesting we drive out to have dinner with your ex-boyfriend?” he asked.
Josh had always been a sore subject between us. But since so many other things seemed to have changed, I had apparently been overly optimistic that this had too.
“No,” I said with exaggerated patience. “I’m suggesting we go have dinner with our old college friend and his husband.”
He stood up. “Right. The ‘old college friend’ who was just waiting to step into my place as soon as I was out of the picture.”
“That’s bullshit!” I yelled. “I told you, Josh and I never got together until way after -”
“Yeah, but what the fuck do you think he was doing in the meantime?” he shouted.
“Cleaning up your fucking mess!” I fired back. It wasn’t how I’d envisioned us getting to the hard stuff, but there we were. “Ennis, after you left -”
“Uh-uh - you left me.”
“Jesus Christ! You left me long before I ended it that day in the driveway! Do you even remember what I said? You were so deep in the closet, by the time you went away to school, I was barely an afterthought!”
“That’s not true,” he began.
“Well that’s what it fucking felt like,” I roared. “You weren’t there! For so long, you weren’t there. And when it was over - when I found that girl in your apartment…. I am not fucking kidding when I say it almost killed me.”
He leaned back against the counter, hands shoved in his pockets. “What does that mean?” he asked.
“What the fuck do you think it means? I know you saw how skinny I was - because I couldn’t hardly eat. I was a nervous fucking mess, always waiting to see where the chips might fall with you. After you moved out, I could’ve stayed in bed for months and not cared. Guess who made me get up? Josh. And after we were done for good - Jesus fucking Christ - I took a leave of absence for a semester because I was pretty much non-functional. The fucking electric got shut off because I had no idea what day it was and didn’t give a shit enough to pay the bill!”
He swallowed hard. “Jesus,” he whispered. “Well, you’re not the only one who lost someone. I may have been fucked up, but I loved you.”
“I know you had it hard, too. I get that. But I had been holding us together for so long that when there was no more us, I fucking fell apart. I didn’t even have any family to fall back on. And who was there to slog through all that shit?Josh. And you can say it was just because he wanted to get in my pants, but that’s bullshit. People take you out, buy you drinks to get in your pants. They don’t drive you to fucking therapy and fill your goddamn prescriptions so you don’t off yourself.”
The wind went out of my sails after that. I had hoped to have a mature discussion at some point about what we’d both been through, but I guess that wasn’t in the cards because there it was, laid bare at our feet in a hail of shouted “fucks” and “shits”.
The silence hung heavy between us for a long minute. Finally, he pushed off the counter and walked slowly toward me. He kept his eyes on the ground and his hands in his pockets as he spoke. “Jack, I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t even begin to make up for what I did, how I handled things. I didn’t know all that. I…Jesus, I don’t even know what to do with that.” He looked up at me, eyes wet. “The thought that you could have…. I can’t stand it. No matter what my issues were, it would’ve been on me.”
I looked away, bit my lip. “Well, I didn’t. But Josh - my friend, Josh - had a lot to do with that. So maybe keep that in mind before you go all caveman jealous and shit.”
He sighed. “You’re right. He was always so… comfortable with who he was. I couldn’t even imagine it. I think somewhere in my mind I knew he could offer you something I couldn’t. I guess he did.”
I nodded. I couldn’t argue with that. “I never meant for you to feel like it was a competition. It never was.”
“I know. It was in my head. It’s hard to just throw away all that old crap, old feelings, and replace it with something else.”
“Maybe dinner isn’t a good idea,” I said, sinking back down into my chair.
He squatted down and rested a hand on my leg. “No, we should go. I won’t be an asshole, I promise. From the sound of it, I should be saying thank-you to Josh. That doesn’t mean I can, just yet, but…I get it. Better than before, anyway.”
I studied his face, looking for signs of the old Ennis who had just crept out of his hidey-hole. I didn’t see any, so I nodded. “All right. We’ll go.” He laughed and looked away, trying to hide his grin. “What?” I demanded.
“I’m glad you haven’t lost your gift for f-bombs,” he said.
I smiled back. “Fuck you.”
I took Ennis back to his hotel after breakfast and promised to pick him up at two o’clock. I didn’t have any ideas for how to fill the time between morning and then and, truthfully, I think we needed some space after the blowup in the kitchen. I did, anyway.
I felt like a jumbled-up mess when it came to Ennis. A couple weeks ago, he hadn’t even been on my radar. Then, with five fucking minutes of surprise conversation, he’s there and I’m at war with every part of myself: my head told me to be careful, tread lightly, until I knew for sure what was going on; my heart did a stupid flip-flop every time I looked at him, like it had for years, ready to fall without any net to catch me; and my cock would’ve followed him right between the sheets even if the bed was on fucking fire if I let it.
I still hadn’t made up my mind which one - or which combination of them - I wanted to go with when I went to pick him up, so I set the clutter in my head aside for the time being. He seemed relaxed when he got into the car, so I went with it and we had a nice drive up to Josh and David’s house.
Josh opened the door and smiled wide. “Hey! Glad you guys could come. C’mon in.” He stepped aside, and as we entered, he pecked me on the cheek like always and gave Ennis a firm handshake. “Good to see you, Ennis,” he said. “It’s been a long time.”
I cringed inwardly, remembering the last time they had actually seen each other, the day when Josh had answered the door at our old house. Ennis didn’t flinch though.
“Good to see you, too, Josh. It has been a while. Nice place you’ve got here.”
“Thanks. Although most of the credit for that goes to my better half. Hon! They’re here!” he shouted toward the kitchen.
A few seconds later, David appeared dressed in jeans and a button-down shirt, his short, salt-and-pepper hair neatly buzzed. Josh introduced David and Ennis, and then settled us in the living room for drinks.
“So, how was your trip?” I asked when David returned from checking on dinner. I turned to Ennis, seated next to me on the couch. “They just got back from a long weekend in Cape Cod,” I explained.
“Nice area,” Ennis commented.
Josh started rambling about the B & B they’d stayed in, the beaches they’d seen, and their side trip to Provincetown.
“I was disappointed, though - remember that bar we liked so much when we went up there, Jack? What was it called?”
I flicked my eyes to Ennis who was clenching his jaw in between sips of his bourbon on the rocks.
“Uh, I don’t remember,” I lied, hoping to put an end to that line of conversation.
“Crap, I can’t remember either.” He turned to David. “Remember? I showed you the building - there’s a surf shop in there now. It’s too bad because it was the best bar. We must’ve spent just about every night of that week we were there….”
I started trying to catch Josh’s eye as he traveled down memory lane. I finally succeeded and gave him a subtle hand gesture that clearly said, “Enough”. He caught on, glanced at Ennis, and seamlessly switched topics to the best seafood restaurant they had been to on their trip.
I trusted that Ennis would keep his non-asshole promise, but I also didn’t want to throw Josh as the ex-boyfriend in his face. I tried to imagine sitting down with him and some other guy - Dr. Dicksucker, for example - and it didn’t thrill me. But we both had pasts, and we had to get over it.
Dinner was uneventful, aside from the outstanding steaks David produced. Ennis, Josh and David chatted casually, talking about their jobs until Josh dragged out a small book of wedding pictures to show off.
“That was amazing,” Ennis said as he pushed his empty plate away. “I’m stuffed.”
“Thanks,” David said. “Glad you liked it. I was hoping you weren’t vegetarian.”
Ennis laughed. “Not a chance.”
David turned to Josh. “Why don’t you give Ennis the grand tour? He hasn’t really seen the place. I’ll enlist Jack for clean-up help.”
I was pretty sure David knew all the complex history that was sitting at his table, so I had no clue what he was up to with that suggestion. Josh didn’t bat an eye.
“Sure. How about it?” he asked Ennis.
I shot Ennis a look, hoping to get a read on whether or not he was good with it, and he gave me a slight nod. “Sounds great,” he said and stood up. The two of them disappeared back into the living room and David and I started to clear the table.
“Grand tour?” I asked David skeptically as we carried dishes into the kitchen.
David shrugged and set down his stack of plates. “You’re right; it’s not exactly grand. But can you think of a better excuse to get those two alone together?”
“I was trying to prevent that,” I said with a laugh.
David sighed and leaned against the counter. “It looks like Ennis is going to be part of your life in some way, right?” I hesitated, then nodded. “And Josh isn’t going anywhere, correct?” I nodded again. “Then they need to talk. Clear the air between them, or at least start to. You can’t do that for them.”
I sighed and rubbed a hand across my forehead. “You’re right. Let’s just hope there’s no blood.”
He laughed and slung an arm around my shoulder as we headed back to the table for the next round of dishes. “They’re big boys. They’ll be just fine.”
We found Ennis and Josh on the back deck about twenty minutes later. I didn’t see any battle wounds, so I assumed it had gone all right.
“Anyone for dessert?” David asked. We made our way back inside and sat down for coffee and some exotic chocolate creation David had made.
“Thanks for everything. It was great,” I said, giving Josh and David a hug after dessert was done. “I wish we could hang out, but Ennis has a long drive back tonight so we should get going.”
Ennis thanked them as well, and minutes later, we were back in my car heading home. We drove in silence for a few minutes until I couldn’t stand it any longer.
“So?” I prompted.
“What?”
I rolled my eyes. “You know what. How did it go?”
“Good. They’re a really nice couple. Food was great,” he said.
“Duh! I know all that. Did it freak you out? And what was the deal with Josh taking you off on a tour? The place isn’t that big.”
He shrugged. “A little, at first. But it’s been a long time; I’ve got stuff - people - I was with too. Just because you and I didn’t stay together doesn’t mean the world stopped spinning.” Sigh. “I had no right to jump on you this morning.”
“Thanks. And?” He gave me a puzzled look. “The tour? What was the deal?”
“I guess me and Josh had some things to stay to each other. That’s all.”
“Such as?”
“Such as stuff you don’t need to worry about. We’re friends. That’s it.”
I took my eyes off the road for a few seconds and stared at him. “You’re seriously not going to tell me?”
“Nope,” he said as he gazed out the window at the descending darkness.
I huffed out an annoyed breath. “Fine. Whatever. Josh will tell me anyway.”
“That’s up to him.”
I was out of angles so I let it go for the moment and got us back to Ennis’s hotel. He had checked out earlier, so his stuff was already in his car. I pulled into the empty parking space beside him and cut the engine. He turned in his seat to face me.
“Thank you, Jack, for spending this weekend with me. For letting me back in, even a little bit.”
“I think it was more than a little bit,” I said, and I saw his cheeks flush.
“Well… that may not have been the best way to start off, but I’m not sorry.”
“Me neither.” I let the quiet sit between us for a few long seconds until I had to ask another question that had been burning in the back of my mind. “Ennis, what is this? What happens now?”
He reached across the console and snagged my fingers in his. “That’s mostly up to you, I guess.”
“But why did you come here? What are you hoping for?”
“I… want to know you again. I’m hoping we can spend some time together. Again.”
“So you drove three-plus hours after work on a Friday to come up here to make friends? If that’s what you want - forgiveness, friendship - then you’ve got it. It just seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to.”
He bit his lip and sighed. “Truth?”
“Always.”
“I’d ask you to marry me right now if I thought you’d say yes,” he said, meeting my gaze. “But you wouldn’t, and with good reason. So, like I said, I want to get to know you again. Who you are now - not the version of you that’s still in my head.”
I was still stuck on the “marry me” part, but I shook my head and tried to focus. “All right. That’s a start.”
“Sorry. I may have put a little too much out there,” he said, withdrawing a bit.
Without letting myself think about it, I reached out and grasped the back of his neck, pulling his face to mine. “It’s okay. I do it all the time,” I said softly before I covered his lips with mine.
I deepened the kiss, parting my lips and letting our tongues move against each other. My hands moved to his head, holding him there, although it wasn’t like he was trying to get away. He hooked his hands over my forearms, and in a few minutes we had the windows good and steamed. I was hard as a rock and knew he was, too. But I also knew where we needed to draw the line.
I slowed the kiss and then pulled back, giving him one last nuzzle on his cheek.
“I guess it’s not hopeless,” he said breathlessly.
I laughed. “Stranger things have happened. Drive safe. Text me and let me know you made it back, okay?”
He nodded. He put his hand on the door handle, then looked back at me. “Do you think…? I mean, would you consider coming to visit me? When you have time, I mean.”
I smiled. “Yes. I think I would do that.”
He smiled back. “Good. I’ll text you later.”
He got out of the car and I drove home, my head spinning with Ennis kisses, memories and mystery conversations. It wasn’t a bad place to be.
today
yesterday
Author: mrs-spamlad
Pairing: Jack/Ennis
Rating: R
Feedback: have at it!
Disclaimer: Brokeback Mountain and the original characters of Jack and Ennis were created by and belong to Annie Proulx. No money is being made from this- I’m just taking them out for a spin!
A/N: I have finally made it through the edits for this chapter! It seemed like every time I sat down to do it, I’d get through a page and then something else would call me away. This is a longer chapter with some hard stuff, some things we didn’t know about Jack during the years they spent apart, and also some sweetness. I hope you enjoy.
I’ve gotten several nudges for this chapter, so this comes courtesy of robbiereeger , and happygirl1, and a couple of other private messages I got as well. Thank you all for your patience and for sticking with this story. I’ve begun to break it down and edit it for submission which is a monumental task - it breaks up into three complete novels! It’s slow going for me, though, because I work best with someone to bounce ideas off of in the moment, and I’m lacking that right now. Hopefully I’ll get there eventually; it’s just not as much fun as it usually is.
Anyway, happy reading - six more to go!
jill
Chapter 69
I woke up at my usual time the next morning, Ennis still asleep beside me. I allowed myself a minute or two just to look at him, unobserved: the tiny freckles that sprayed his nose and grew lighter over his cheeks; the fine lines around his eyes that matched mine; his hair, so much shorter than I remembered, that made me miss his curls.
I was already armed with morning wood and gazing at Ennis wasn’t helping, so I forced myself out of bed and into some running clothes. I didn’t plan on a marathon, but I thought a few miles might get us past any early morning dangers: wake-up sex, who showers first, walking around naked. I had just finished lacing up my sneakers when he rolled over and I felt his warm hand at the base of my spine.
“What time is it?” he asked through a yawn.
“Eight-forty,” I said and shifted around to face him. “I won’t be long - I’m just going to do a short one this morning. You can shower and stuff while I’m out, grab some clean clothes. Just poke around in the drawers and help yourself.”
He pressed his lips together for a second, and then said, “Okay. Sounds good.”
I took off and did a quick 5K, then stretched it out to a full thirty minutes with a cooldown. I reentered the house and found him sitting on the sofa with a mug of coffee, flipping through channels. I growled inwardly at the little flip my stomach did, coming home to him in such a domestic scene.
“You good?” he asked.
“I’ll do,” I said with a smile.
“I would’ve come up with something to eat, but I wasn’t sure how long you’d be.”
“It’s okay. I’ll just grab a shower and we’ll figure it out.”
Twenty minutes later, I was dressed and at the stove, scrambling eggs and picking waffles out of the waffle iron. “It’s ready,” I called.
Ennis wandered into the kitchen and set his mug next to the coffeemaker for a refill. “You want a cup?” he asked.
“Sounds good.” He made his way over to the cabinet where he had found the mugs, but paused behind me at the sink. I leaned back into him ever so slightly, and I felt his long, slow exhale breeze over my skin. He leaned in a little further and pecked me on the cheek, then continued to the cabinet. “What was that for?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Last night. Breakfast. Talking to me again.”
“The first two were easy,” I said, realizing too late that what I’d meant as a joke scratched at the surface of something much bigger. “Sorry,” I mumbled.
He poured our coffee and sat down at the table. “No sorry. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you, because it wasn’t easy for me either.”
In that moment, I felt like kind of a dumbass for not considering the idea that any of this might be hard for him, too. I sat down across from him and met his gaze. “Well, I’m glad you came to talk to me at homecoming.”
He smiled. “Me, too.”
All through breakfast, my brain was running a background program, trying to work out something for us to do today. I’d come up with nothing when I heard my phone ring in the other room. “That’s weird,” I said with a furrowed brow. “Be right back.”
I jogged into the living room, found my phone and clicked to take the call just before it went to voicemail.
“How was the getaway?” I asked Josh. “You’re back earlier that I thought.”
“We changed the plan a little - got back late last night. David has some work thing he needs to take care of today.”
I wasn’t surprised to hear that. David was a lawyer with a successful practice and demanding clients, from what I knew. “That sucks. At least you got to go, though. Get a little one-on-one time.”
“Yeah,” Josh said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. “Speaking of, how are things going with your weekend?”
“Good,” I said. “Better than expected, actually.” I lowered my voice a bit. “I’ll have to fill you in later.”
“He’s there? Now?” Josh yelled. “That can only mean one thing.”
I huffed into the phone. “I’d like to talk about it later, like I said, but yes, he’s here now and I have to go back to breakfast.”
“Oh, my god, you slept with him,” Josh groaned.
“No, I didn’t! I mean, I did, but it was just sleep. For real.”
“Jesus! Don’t do that to me,” he said.
“It’s not like you think. He’s really… different. Not the guy I walked away from all those years ago.”
“I’d say ‘I’ll believe it when I see it’, but that’s why I’m calling, actually. If he’ll still be in town later, why don’t you two come for an early dinner? I’d like to see him again.”
I wasn’t sure how Ennis would feel about that, and I wasn’t sure if Josh had anything up his sleeve. “I don’t know,” I hedged.
“C’mon! At least ask him. I’ll be good, I promise. Just old friends catching up.”
“Fine. I’ll ask and I’ll let you know.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to you in a bit. And I’m glad to know your virtue is still intact,” he said.
“Who said anything about that? We’d just worn ourselves out by last night.” I laughed to myself as I heard Josh’s “Wha-!” as I hung up.
I went back into the kitchen and sat down, setting my phone next to me. “Sorry about that. It was Josh.”
Ennis sipped his coffee slowly and eyed me over the rim of the mug. “Oh,” he said. “Everything all right?”
Shit, I thought. I could tell by the way his face had closed up, his words short and pinched - exactly like old Ennis - that this wasn’t going to go over well. I plowed ahead anyway. If he had a problem, he was going to have to open his mouth and say so.
“Yeah, everything’s fine. He and David were away for a long weekend, but they got back early. David’s a lawyer, so he had some work thing.” Silence. “He asked about you.”
“I’ll bet he did,” he muttered.
I raised my eyebrows and shot him a warning look. “I told him we were having a good weekend, and he invited us to dinner at their place.”
He set down his coffee and stared at me. “You’re kidding.”
“No. It’s a bit of a drive, but if we left early, we could have dinner and be back in time for whenever you need to be on the road.”
He pushed his chair back from the table and took a deep breath. “You’re seriously suggesting we drive out to have dinner with your ex-boyfriend?” he asked.
Josh had always been a sore subject between us. But since so many other things seemed to have changed, I had apparently been overly optimistic that this had too.
“No,” I said with exaggerated patience. “I’m suggesting we go have dinner with our old college friend and his husband.”
He stood up. “Right. The ‘old college friend’ who was just waiting to step into my place as soon as I was out of the picture.”
“That’s bullshit!” I yelled. “I told you, Josh and I never got together until way after -”
“Yeah, but what the fuck do you think he was doing in the meantime?” he shouted.
“Cleaning up your fucking mess!” I fired back. It wasn’t how I’d envisioned us getting to the hard stuff, but there we were. “Ennis, after you left -”
“Uh-uh - you left me.”
“Jesus Christ! You left me long before I ended it that day in the driveway! Do you even remember what I said? You were so deep in the closet, by the time you went away to school, I was barely an afterthought!”
“That’s not true,” he began.
“Well that’s what it fucking felt like,” I roared. “You weren’t there! For so long, you weren’t there. And when it was over - when I found that girl in your apartment…. I am not fucking kidding when I say it almost killed me.”
He leaned back against the counter, hands shoved in his pockets. “What does that mean?” he asked.
“What the fuck do you think it means? I know you saw how skinny I was - because I couldn’t hardly eat. I was a nervous fucking mess, always waiting to see where the chips might fall with you. After you moved out, I could’ve stayed in bed for months and not cared. Guess who made me get up? Josh. And after we were done for good - Jesus fucking Christ - I took a leave of absence for a semester because I was pretty much non-functional. The fucking electric got shut off because I had no idea what day it was and didn’t give a shit enough to pay the bill!”
He swallowed hard. “Jesus,” he whispered. “Well, you’re not the only one who lost someone. I may have been fucked up, but I loved you.”
“I know you had it hard, too. I get that. But I had been holding us together for so long that when there was no more us, I fucking fell apart. I didn’t even have any family to fall back on. And who was there to slog through all that shit?Josh. And you can say it was just because he wanted to get in my pants, but that’s bullshit. People take you out, buy you drinks to get in your pants. They don’t drive you to fucking therapy and fill your goddamn prescriptions so you don’t off yourself.”
The wind went out of my sails after that. I had hoped to have a mature discussion at some point about what we’d both been through, but I guess that wasn’t in the cards because there it was, laid bare at our feet in a hail of shouted “fucks” and “shits”.
The silence hung heavy between us for a long minute. Finally, he pushed off the counter and walked slowly toward me. He kept his eyes on the ground and his hands in his pockets as he spoke. “Jack, I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t even begin to make up for what I did, how I handled things. I didn’t know all that. I…Jesus, I don’t even know what to do with that.” He looked up at me, eyes wet. “The thought that you could have…. I can’t stand it. No matter what my issues were, it would’ve been on me.”
I looked away, bit my lip. “Well, I didn’t. But Josh - my friend, Josh - had a lot to do with that. So maybe keep that in mind before you go all caveman jealous and shit.”
He sighed. “You’re right. He was always so… comfortable with who he was. I couldn’t even imagine it. I think somewhere in my mind I knew he could offer you something I couldn’t. I guess he did.”
I nodded. I couldn’t argue with that. “I never meant for you to feel like it was a competition. It never was.”
“I know. It was in my head. It’s hard to just throw away all that old crap, old feelings, and replace it with something else.”
“Maybe dinner isn’t a good idea,” I said, sinking back down into my chair.
He squatted down and rested a hand on my leg. “No, we should go. I won’t be an asshole, I promise. From the sound of it, I should be saying thank-you to Josh. That doesn’t mean I can, just yet, but…I get it. Better than before, anyway.”
I studied his face, looking for signs of the old Ennis who had just crept out of his hidey-hole. I didn’t see any, so I nodded. “All right. We’ll go.” He laughed and looked away, trying to hide his grin. “What?” I demanded.
“I’m glad you haven’t lost your gift for f-bombs,” he said.
I smiled back. “Fuck you.”
I took Ennis back to his hotel after breakfast and promised to pick him up at two o’clock. I didn’t have any ideas for how to fill the time between morning and then and, truthfully, I think we needed some space after the blowup in the kitchen. I did, anyway.
I felt like a jumbled-up mess when it came to Ennis. A couple weeks ago, he hadn’t even been on my radar. Then, with five fucking minutes of surprise conversation, he’s there and I’m at war with every part of myself: my head told me to be careful, tread lightly, until I knew for sure what was going on; my heart did a stupid flip-flop every time I looked at him, like it had for years, ready to fall without any net to catch me; and my cock would’ve followed him right between the sheets even if the bed was on fucking fire if I let it.
I still hadn’t made up my mind which one - or which combination of them - I wanted to go with when I went to pick him up, so I set the clutter in my head aside for the time being. He seemed relaxed when he got into the car, so I went with it and we had a nice drive up to Josh and David’s house.
Josh opened the door and smiled wide. “Hey! Glad you guys could come. C’mon in.” He stepped aside, and as we entered, he pecked me on the cheek like always and gave Ennis a firm handshake. “Good to see you, Ennis,” he said. “It’s been a long time.”
I cringed inwardly, remembering the last time they had actually seen each other, the day when Josh had answered the door at our old house. Ennis didn’t flinch though.
“Good to see you, too, Josh. It has been a while. Nice place you’ve got here.”
“Thanks. Although most of the credit for that goes to my better half. Hon! They’re here!” he shouted toward the kitchen.
A few seconds later, David appeared dressed in jeans and a button-down shirt, his short, salt-and-pepper hair neatly buzzed. Josh introduced David and Ennis, and then settled us in the living room for drinks.
“So, how was your trip?” I asked when David returned from checking on dinner. I turned to Ennis, seated next to me on the couch. “They just got back from a long weekend in Cape Cod,” I explained.
“Nice area,” Ennis commented.
Josh started rambling about the B & B they’d stayed in, the beaches they’d seen, and their side trip to Provincetown.
“I was disappointed, though - remember that bar we liked so much when we went up there, Jack? What was it called?”
I flicked my eyes to Ennis who was clenching his jaw in between sips of his bourbon on the rocks.
“Uh, I don’t remember,” I lied, hoping to put an end to that line of conversation.
“Crap, I can’t remember either.” He turned to David. “Remember? I showed you the building - there’s a surf shop in there now. It’s too bad because it was the best bar. We must’ve spent just about every night of that week we were there….”
I started trying to catch Josh’s eye as he traveled down memory lane. I finally succeeded and gave him a subtle hand gesture that clearly said, “Enough”. He caught on, glanced at Ennis, and seamlessly switched topics to the best seafood restaurant they had been to on their trip.
I trusted that Ennis would keep his non-asshole promise, but I also didn’t want to throw Josh as the ex-boyfriend in his face. I tried to imagine sitting down with him and some other guy - Dr. Dicksucker, for example - and it didn’t thrill me. But we both had pasts, and we had to get over it.
Dinner was uneventful, aside from the outstanding steaks David produced. Ennis, Josh and David chatted casually, talking about their jobs until Josh dragged out a small book of wedding pictures to show off.
“That was amazing,” Ennis said as he pushed his empty plate away. “I’m stuffed.”
“Thanks,” David said. “Glad you liked it. I was hoping you weren’t vegetarian.”
Ennis laughed. “Not a chance.”
David turned to Josh. “Why don’t you give Ennis the grand tour? He hasn’t really seen the place. I’ll enlist Jack for clean-up help.”
I was pretty sure David knew all the complex history that was sitting at his table, so I had no clue what he was up to with that suggestion. Josh didn’t bat an eye.
“Sure. How about it?” he asked Ennis.
I shot Ennis a look, hoping to get a read on whether or not he was good with it, and he gave me a slight nod. “Sounds great,” he said and stood up. The two of them disappeared back into the living room and David and I started to clear the table.
“Grand tour?” I asked David skeptically as we carried dishes into the kitchen.
David shrugged and set down his stack of plates. “You’re right; it’s not exactly grand. But can you think of a better excuse to get those two alone together?”
“I was trying to prevent that,” I said with a laugh.
David sighed and leaned against the counter. “It looks like Ennis is going to be part of your life in some way, right?” I hesitated, then nodded. “And Josh isn’t going anywhere, correct?” I nodded again. “Then they need to talk. Clear the air between them, or at least start to. You can’t do that for them.”
I sighed and rubbed a hand across my forehead. “You’re right. Let’s just hope there’s no blood.”
He laughed and slung an arm around my shoulder as we headed back to the table for the next round of dishes. “They’re big boys. They’ll be just fine.”
We found Ennis and Josh on the back deck about twenty minutes later. I didn’t see any battle wounds, so I assumed it had gone all right.
“Anyone for dessert?” David asked. We made our way back inside and sat down for coffee and some exotic chocolate creation David had made.
“Thanks for everything. It was great,” I said, giving Josh and David a hug after dessert was done. “I wish we could hang out, but Ennis has a long drive back tonight so we should get going.”
Ennis thanked them as well, and minutes later, we were back in my car heading home. We drove in silence for a few minutes until I couldn’t stand it any longer.
“So?” I prompted.
“What?”
I rolled my eyes. “You know what. How did it go?”
“Good. They’re a really nice couple. Food was great,” he said.
“Duh! I know all that. Did it freak you out? And what was the deal with Josh taking you off on a tour? The place isn’t that big.”
He shrugged. “A little, at first. But it’s been a long time; I’ve got stuff - people - I was with too. Just because you and I didn’t stay together doesn’t mean the world stopped spinning.” Sigh. “I had no right to jump on you this morning.”
“Thanks. And?” He gave me a puzzled look. “The tour? What was the deal?”
“I guess me and Josh had some things to stay to each other. That’s all.”
“Such as?”
“Such as stuff you don’t need to worry about. We’re friends. That’s it.”
I took my eyes off the road for a few seconds and stared at him. “You’re seriously not going to tell me?”
“Nope,” he said as he gazed out the window at the descending darkness.
I huffed out an annoyed breath. “Fine. Whatever. Josh will tell me anyway.”
“That’s up to him.”
I was out of angles so I let it go for the moment and got us back to Ennis’s hotel. He had checked out earlier, so his stuff was already in his car. I pulled into the empty parking space beside him and cut the engine. He turned in his seat to face me.
“Thank you, Jack, for spending this weekend with me. For letting me back in, even a little bit.”
“I think it was more than a little bit,” I said, and I saw his cheeks flush.
“Well… that may not have been the best way to start off, but I’m not sorry.”
“Me neither.” I let the quiet sit between us for a few long seconds until I had to ask another question that had been burning in the back of my mind. “Ennis, what is this? What happens now?”
He reached across the console and snagged my fingers in his. “That’s mostly up to you, I guess.”
“But why did you come here? What are you hoping for?”
“I… want to know you again. I’m hoping we can spend some time together. Again.”
“So you drove three-plus hours after work on a Friday to come up here to make friends? If that’s what you want - forgiveness, friendship - then you’ve got it. It just seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to.”
He bit his lip and sighed. “Truth?”
“Always.”
“I’d ask you to marry me right now if I thought you’d say yes,” he said, meeting my gaze. “But you wouldn’t, and with good reason. So, like I said, I want to get to know you again. Who you are now - not the version of you that’s still in my head.”
I was still stuck on the “marry me” part, but I shook my head and tried to focus. “All right. That’s a start.”
“Sorry. I may have put a little too much out there,” he said, withdrawing a bit.
Without letting myself think about it, I reached out and grasped the back of his neck, pulling his face to mine. “It’s okay. I do it all the time,” I said softly before I covered his lips with mine.
I deepened the kiss, parting my lips and letting our tongues move against each other. My hands moved to his head, holding him there, although it wasn’t like he was trying to get away. He hooked his hands over my forearms, and in a few minutes we had the windows good and steamed. I was hard as a rock and knew he was, too. But I also knew where we needed to draw the line.
I slowed the kiss and then pulled back, giving him one last nuzzle on his cheek.
“I guess it’s not hopeless,” he said breathlessly.
I laughed. “Stranger things have happened. Drive safe. Text me and let me know you made it back, okay?”
He nodded. He put his hand on the door handle, then looked back at me. “Do you think…? I mean, would you consider coming to visit me? When you have time, I mean.”
I smiled. “Yes. I think I would do that.”
He smiled back. “Good. I’ll text you later.”
He got out of the car and I drove home, my head spinning with Ennis kisses, memories and mystery conversations. It wasn’t a bad place to be.
today
yesterday