Going Left Around the World: Chapter 73
Title: Going Left Around the World
Author: mrs-spamlad
Pairing: Jack/Ennis
Rating: R
Feedback: have at it!
Disclaimer: Brokeback Mountain and the original characters of Jack and Ennis were created by and belong to Annie Proulx. No money is being made from this- I’m just taking them out for a spin!
A/N: Happy holidays! I promised myself I’d get at least one chapter posted before the new year, so here I am, squeezing it in. There are just two left after this and, believe it or not, quite a bit left to happen. This chapter has a lot of feels in it as the guys work through some stuff.
Thanks, as always to shieldmaid1 for her wonderful feedback and support for this story. She truly helps make it better. And thanks to you who are still reading - my god, it’s been a long ride! - we’re so close now! I wish you all a happy, healthy 2017.
jill
Chapter 73
The tension in the car was palpable on the way home. Ennis blew through every yellow light he could, and I shifted my position every thirty seconds or so, trying to make room for my hard-on in my dress pants. He screeched into the driveway and we hurried to the door, bumping shoulders as we trotted along the narrow path. Once Ennis finally got the key into the lock, all bets were off.
We spilled through the front door of Ennis’s condo, tripping over our feet and grappling at our jackets as we tore into each other, lips and teeth colliding as we finally connected. I flung my jacket onto the floor and shoved him against the nearest wall. I pushed my tongue past his lips, tangling it with his, and he grabbed my hips and slammed our lower halves together. He groaned into my mouth and I grabbed a handful of his hair.
“Jesus,” he gasped.
I used my other hand to yank his shirt from the waist of his pants. I walked my fingers underneath and trailed them through the soft hair on his abs, then circled my thumb around his bellybutton. While we continued to work each other over with our mouths, he dropped one hand down and rubbed my cock through my pants. I moaned and threw my head back, and his lips started a trail along my jaw and down my neck. The warmth of his hand left my fly and his fingers went to work on my shirt buttons. If I’d had any doubts about where we might be headed that night, they were gone. I snaked my arms up and around his neck, and turned my head to snag his lips with mine. I kissed him slowly, pressing myself into him, then pulled back to look at him.
“Ennis,” I whispered, and nuzzled his nose with mine.
“Hmm,” he said. He still had his eyes closed and a sexed-out expression on his face.
“Hey,” I said, softly.
His eyes fluttered open and I saw uncertainty pass over his features. But as he studied me, it disappeared and I knew he was reading me like he used to. He gave me a small smile and leaned in.
“Can I tell you what I want to happen?” he whispered, his breath hot in my ear.
I chuckled. A new layer of Ennis every time I blinked. “Please do,” I murmured.
“I’d like us to go upstairs to my bedroom.”
“Yeah?”
“Mmm-hmm. And I’d like you to take off all your clothes,” he rumbled and reached around to squeeze my ass.
“Shit,” I breathed. “And?”
“And all of mine.” He brought his hand around to the front and cupped my cock.
I groaned. “Fuck. You better wrap up this speech, new chatty Ennis, and tell me how this ends before it’s over right here in the foyer.”
He pulled me tight against him, flicked my ear with his tongue and said, “I want you to fuck me.”
Holy shit. I wasn’t sure I was going to survive the night, but I was sure as hell going to try.
We raced upstairs to his bedroom and took care of the clothes part, then fell onto the bed skin to skin, our lips locking again as our hands roamed over each other. I landed on top of him and settled my hips between his legs. We thrust easily against each other, the urgency dialed down a notch as we tested out the terrain of familiar bodies restructured by time. A sheen of sweat coated our chests, and I slid smoothly down his chest to run my teeth lightly over a nipple.
I felt the goosebumps rise on his skin when he groaned and grabbed a fistful of my hair. I smiled and moved farther south, leaving a wet trail of kisses as I went, until I reached his cock, hard and waiting. I ran my finger along the underside, then followed the same path with my tongue. I pulled back before we got too far, though. It was a strange thing to do; something I’d never had to do with Ennis before - although maybe I should’ve near the end.
I took a deep breath. “Do you have something?” I whispered.
He lifted his head off the pillow and stared at me blankly for a few seconds until it clicked. “Shit. Uh, yeah.” His arm flailed at the drawer in his bedside table until he finally got it open. He pulled out lube and a foil packet and handed them to me.
“Seems like a good idea,” I said. “It’s been a long time.”
He nodded. “You’re right. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
I smiled. “Yes, you were. But I think it was about this.” I sank back down and covered the head of his cock with my lips and he moaned. I lubed up a couple fingers and slid them inside him, still working him over with my mouth. I kept going until he was ready and I couldn’t wait any longer. I got up on my knees, slid the condom on, and ran my hands over his muscular thighs. “How do you want it?” I asked.
“Like this,” he said, breathless.
I nodded and scooted in closer, hitching his legs over my arms. I nudged his entrance, willing myself to disregard all the years I’d spent forcing my brain not to think about this exact thing, and pushed inside him. We both made sounds that fell somewhere between an exhale and a whimper. The feel of his tight heat surrounding me hadn’t changed at all and was still second to nothing else in the world. I took a few deep breaths and ran my hands along the sides of his thighs.
“Jack,” he said, his voice rough.
“Yeah?”
“Do it.”
I needed no further prompting. I snapped my hips back and went at him hard and fast. Judging by the sounds he made, and the way he arched his back up off the bed and twisted his fists in the sheets, he loved every second of it. It wasn’t long before he reached for himself, his firm strokes matching my rhythm until his hips stuttered and he cried out, spilling his release onto his stomach.
I’ve never been real big on watching, but considering that was a sight I thought I’d never seen again, that was all I needed. A few more thrusts and I let go, pushing deep into him, uttering a string of holy-motherfucking-shits as I rode the wave of my climax until I fell on top of him.
We lay there for a few seconds, breath heaving, until I pulled out and rolled off to the side. Ennis fished around off the side of the bed until he snagged a T-shirt and wiped us both off and I tossed the condom. He dropped the shirt back on the floor and held his arm out.
“Come here, baby,” he said.
I inched my way over into his embrace and sighed in contentment. Whatever shit we still had between us, it didn’t matter right then. In that moment, I felt like I was finally back where I belonged, like I’d finally come full circle after a long journey that left us both different people, but somehow still right for each other. I snuggled into him, thinking all my happy thoughts, and I probably would’ve dozed off if I hadn’t heard a sniffle come from above me. I looked up and saw Ennis’s eyes were wet and, while I’d seen him sadder, he looked pretty down.
“Hey,” I said, pushing up on an elbow and brushing the hair off his forehead. “What’s wrong?”
He blew out a long breath and a tear leaked from his eye. “Jesus,” he said and wiped at his face. “I don’t know.”
“Was it that bad?” I asked, half joking.
“Huh?” He gave me a puzzled look. “No! No. Not you. Never you.” He pulled me to him and wrapped me up in his arms. “That was… shit. I don’t even know the words for what that was.”
“Me too,” I murmured into his shoulder.
He loosened his grasp and I leaned back again. “But it’s almost like the fact that it happened… after all these years of telling myself I fucked it up. I had it, and I fucked it up, and I wasn’t ever going to have you like that again. Then to have it happen, it’s like….”
“Too much?” I finished. He nodded and another tear escaped. “I get it. I was thinking something kind of like that.”
He laughed a little. “At least you’re not crying in bed after sex.”
I smiled and kissed the side of his head. “It’s all right. I’ve done enough crying for both of us.”
“Fuck.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. Just that maybe I’m kind of okay now because I got it out before. That’s all.”
He nodded but he didn’t look any less upset.
“Is there something else?” I asked.
He sighed. “Jesus. I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Do what?” I prodded. He was starting to freak me out a little.
“Talk. Dig up the past. I don’t know.” More tears, more sniffles.
“Well, whatever it is, it’s obviously upsetting you. You can talk to me; you know that. And that’s part of the reason we’re seeing each other again. We need to get through some of the hard shit.”
“Oh, god,” he groaned.
I lay down with my head on the pillow and tugged on him until he rolled over onto his side to face me. I ran my fingers along the side of his face. “It’s all right. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but I hope you do.”
He closed his eyes for a long moment, then opened them and started talking in a quiet voice. “This has been in my head for so long….” He took a deep breath. “Do you remember that summer we first moved to the house off campus? When your mom found out about us and everything.”
“Of course.”
He cleared his throat. “The day we drove the U-Haul up with all our stuff, we were getting ready to leave. Your mom was there being all sweet even though she’d basically just found out her son was moving in with his boyfriend.”
I smiled. “Yeah. She knew. I kind of told her everything - within reason - but I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d freak. She just wanted me to be happy.”
His eyes looked so sad at that I thought my heart might break. “She knew more than that. You said goodbye to her and got into my car to drive it up to school. Then she came over to me to say bye. She gave me a hug, but before she let me go she said -” He swallowed a sob and I ran my hand over his hair until he was ready to keep going. I had a vague recollection of the scene, but I didn’t recall him ever telling me what she’d said.
He wiped at his cheeks. “She said, ‘I know he hasn’t told you yet, but my son loves you. And I have an idea of how you feel about him, so I’m trusting you to be good to him. Can you do that for me?’ I was so surprised I just stood there and then nodded.”
“Shit,” I said, starting to get choked up myself.
“And then the way things happened…. I’ve felt like shit for I don’t know how long because it was the only thing she ever asked of me, and I didn’t do it. I mean she was right - I did love you. I do,” he added softly. “But I was too fucked up to be able to stick with you like I know she wanted, to treat you like I should have. I let her down, I let you down, and I can’t fix any of it.”
By that time, we both had tears trailing down our faces. It was strange to know that Mom had seen something even I hadn’t been sure of back then. And it was almost like she was taking precautions - like she knew she wouldn’t be there long term and was trying to make sure I’d be looked after. I don’t think she consciously knew she was going to die, but I’ve heard of things like that before. It’s a kind of sixth sense or something. And Ennis was so pained by the whole thing. I never had a clue he’d been carrying around something like that.
I wiped a hand at my eyes and reached for him. “Come here,” I said. I tucked him against my shoulder and waited for him to settle down, still running fingers through his hair. When he quieted, I said, “It’s not your fault. We were kids; we did the best we could. Parents always want their kids to be happy, but we’re bound to fuck up along the way.”
He sniffed. “I feel like I promised, though, and then I broke it.”
“You didn’t break it. You did the best you could, and that’s all anyone can ever do. I’m sure Mom knows that. She’s been gone a long time and I don’t think she’s somewhere being mad at you. It’s not her style.” I gave him a little shake. “And look at us - here we are after all. I wouldn’t have predicted that.”
He sighed and tilted his head up to look at me. “Maybe I’ll still have the chance to keep that promise.”
I gave him a small smile. “Maybe.”
We lay quietly for a while wrapped up in each other, my mind wandering back to ten years ago, and Mom, and the way it all used to be.
After a bit Ennis sighed and said, “Can I ask you a question?”
I propped myself up on my elbow to look at him. “Sure.”
“You don’t have to answer, or talk about it if you don’t want to.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He took a deep breath. “What you told me about after I left, and after we broke up for good - that you weren’t eating, weren’t getting out of bed….”
I nodded.
“Were you going to kill yourself? I mean, did you try?”
I flopped back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. “I didn’t actually make an attempt, no. There was no call to 9-1-1, or trip to the ER.” He rolled toward me and tucked his hands under his head. “I thought about it. A lot. I guess…. There just didn’t seem to be any reasons to stay around. Mom was gone, then you were gone. I felt like I didn’t want to be anymore. Everything seemed too hard.”
He reached over and brushed the back of his hand over my cheek. “And Josh saved you?”
I grabbed his hand and laced our fingers together. “No. Josh got me to a doctor who got me on some meds - his mom’s a nurse. He kept on my ass about going to my dumbass therapist who I hated more than anything. He didn’t let me give up. But I saved me. I had to learn a whole new way to be that was just me - no Mom, no you - and figure out how to be okay with that. It blew.
“After Mom died, I hung onto you so tight. I never really dealt with losing her, not totally. I just threw myself into you. And when I lost that… it was all there staring me in the face. I could never say I’m glad we broke up because nothing has ever hurt that bad in my life. But it forced me to get my shit together, deal with things, and figure myself out. You know?” I glanced over at him and saw him swallow hard.
“Shit,” he whispered, and when he blinked his eyelashes were stuck together with wetness.
“Uh-uh,” I said and rolled to face him. “You don’t get to blame yourself for any of that. That was me being young, and fucked up, and dealt a shitty hand. It’s not all about you.”
He shook his head. “It’s not that,” he whispered.
“What then?”
He gave me a shaky smile. “It hurts to hear. It’s hard to think that at some moment you could’ve made a different choice and we wouldn’t be lying here right now. I’d have looked you up one day and found a goddamn obituary. I wouldn’t have talked to you again, and these -” he traced his thumbs under my eyes - “gone forever.”
I felt a lump rise in my throat. “I’m right here.”
He pulled me to him. “I know.”
We dozed off for a while, then woke up a few hours later and reached for each other again. The third time we went at each other it was near dawn. Even though our libidos hadn’t gotten the memo, we weren’t kids and that round knocked us out until late morning. Around eleven o’clock, I stretched and rolled over and before I knew who was where, Ennis swooped an arm around me and pulled me against his chest.
“Morning,” I said with a laugh.
“Mm. Morning,” he rumbled.
I sighed. I’d forgotten how much I loved morning Ennis - his deep voice, his warmth, his snuggling. The night before had my brain kind of scrambled. Don’t get me wrong; it was amazing. But it was one of those be-careful-what-you-wish-for things. Or maybe more like getting to meet your favorite movie star: all at the same time, it’s everything you’d hoped yet nothing like you imagined. There was so much about Ennis that was familiar, all that we knew about each other and how to make it good. But there was no denying we’d both learned a lot in the bedroom in the interim.
We stayed pressed together, my face against his chest, until he buried his nose in my hair and asked, “How bad is it?”
“Huh? How bad is what?” I asked.
He pulled back to meet my gaze. “Whatever’s going on in your head. You’ve been quiet way too long for it to be anything good. Are you freaking out on me?”
I wrinkled my nose at him. “No. Not exactly.”
“What exactly?”
“I don’t know. It’s just… a lot, you know? Finding each other and spending time together again, but also realizing how much time has passed. Then we have some actual… dates. And that’s different, because you never would’ve… well, you know. And then last night…. I mean, I was on board and it was great, but it was also different too. You know, than before. All the talking, sharing. And it’s like it just puts it in big bold letters how much I don’t know you anymore. How much I missed. We missed. Shit, I don’t even know if that makes sense.”
He tightened his arms around me. “I get it. I think we’re still the same basic people, though. It’s just time, and life, and experience. But those are all things we can learn, catch up on as we go. You don’t have to know everything in one night, even though I know you’d like to,” he added with a pointed look.
“Shut up.”
“Just promise me one thing.”
“What?” I asked, wary. I wasn’t sure I was ready to promise him anything.
“You have a shitload of reasons not to see me again, or even talk to me again if you don’t want to. But promise me you won’t think yourself out of this. Out of us. Talk to me, yell, scream, whatever. Just don’t let whatever goes on in here” - he tapped the side of my head - “get you so freaked out that you just bail on me. Okay?”
My first instinct was to leap to my own defense and tell him I wouldn’t do something like that, but I bit my tongue because I would, and he knew it. I sighed. “I’ll do my best,” I said.
“Can’t ask for more than that,” he said with a smile.
I scooted up so we were nose to nose and kissed him long and slow. When we came up for air, I asked, “So, what’s on the agenda for today?”
“Round four?” he murmured as he nipped at my jawline and ground his hard cock into my thigh.
I chuckled and squirmed in his arms. “Jesus, are you sure you’re not still twenty years old?”
“I’m sure,” he said against my skin. “I’m just inspired.”
“All right, so after round four,” I said, and put my fingers under his chin to bring his focus back to my face. “What’s on the agenda?”
“Shopping.”
“For?”
Groceries.”
I furrowed my brow. “We’re going to do your grocery shopping?”
His tongue snuck out and traced my lower lip. “No. I’m cooking you dinner tonight. I need to pick up a few things.”
“Really?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Sounds good.” I barely had the words out before he dove for my mouth. Round four was the best one of all.
today
yesterday
Author: mrs-spamlad
Pairing: Jack/Ennis
Rating: R
Feedback: have at it!
Disclaimer: Brokeback Mountain and the original characters of Jack and Ennis were created by and belong to Annie Proulx. No money is being made from this- I’m just taking them out for a spin!
A/N: Happy holidays! I promised myself I’d get at least one chapter posted before the new year, so here I am, squeezing it in. There are just two left after this and, believe it or not, quite a bit left to happen. This chapter has a lot of feels in it as the guys work through some stuff.
Thanks, as always to shieldmaid1 for her wonderful feedback and support for this story. She truly helps make it better. And thanks to you who are still reading - my god, it’s been a long ride! - we’re so close now! I wish you all a happy, healthy 2017.
jill
Chapter 73
The tension in the car was palpable on the way home. Ennis blew through every yellow light he could, and I shifted my position every thirty seconds or so, trying to make room for my hard-on in my dress pants. He screeched into the driveway and we hurried to the door, bumping shoulders as we trotted along the narrow path. Once Ennis finally got the key into the lock, all bets were off.
We spilled through the front door of Ennis’s condo, tripping over our feet and grappling at our jackets as we tore into each other, lips and teeth colliding as we finally connected. I flung my jacket onto the floor and shoved him against the nearest wall. I pushed my tongue past his lips, tangling it with his, and he grabbed my hips and slammed our lower halves together. He groaned into my mouth and I grabbed a handful of his hair.
“Jesus,” he gasped.
I used my other hand to yank his shirt from the waist of his pants. I walked my fingers underneath and trailed them through the soft hair on his abs, then circled my thumb around his bellybutton. While we continued to work each other over with our mouths, he dropped one hand down and rubbed my cock through my pants. I moaned and threw my head back, and his lips started a trail along my jaw and down my neck. The warmth of his hand left my fly and his fingers went to work on my shirt buttons. If I’d had any doubts about where we might be headed that night, they were gone. I snaked my arms up and around his neck, and turned my head to snag his lips with mine. I kissed him slowly, pressing myself into him, then pulled back to look at him.
“Ennis,” I whispered, and nuzzled his nose with mine.
“Hmm,” he said. He still had his eyes closed and a sexed-out expression on his face.
“Hey,” I said, softly.
His eyes fluttered open and I saw uncertainty pass over his features. But as he studied me, it disappeared and I knew he was reading me like he used to. He gave me a small smile and leaned in.
“Can I tell you what I want to happen?” he whispered, his breath hot in my ear.
I chuckled. A new layer of Ennis every time I blinked. “Please do,” I murmured.
“I’d like us to go upstairs to my bedroom.”
“Yeah?”
“Mmm-hmm. And I’d like you to take off all your clothes,” he rumbled and reached around to squeeze my ass.
“Shit,” I breathed. “And?”
“And all of mine.” He brought his hand around to the front and cupped my cock.
I groaned. “Fuck. You better wrap up this speech, new chatty Ennis, and tell me how this ends before it’s over right here in the foyer.”
He pulled me tight against him, flicked my ear with his tongue and said, “I want you to fuck me.”
Holy shit. I wasn’t sure I was going to survive the night, but I was sure as hell going to try.
We raced upstairs to his bedroom and took care of the clothes part, then fell onto the bed skin to skin, our lips locking again as our hands roamed over each other. I landed on top of him and settled my hips between his legs. We thrust easily against each other, the urgency dialed down a notch as we tested out the terrain of familiar bodies restructured by time. A sheen of sweat coated our chests, and I slid smoothly down his chest to run my teeth lightly over a nipple.
I felt the goosebumps rise on his skin when he groaned and grabbed a fistful of my hair. I smiled and moved farther south, leaving a wet trail of kisses as I went, until I reached his cock, hard and waiting. I ran my finger along the underside, then followed the same path with my tongue. I pulled back before we got too far, though. It was a strange thing to do; something I’d never had to do with Ennis before - although maybe I should’ve near the end.
I took a deep breath. “Do you have something?” I whispered.
He lifted his head off the pillow and stared at me blankly for a few seconds until it clicked. “Shit. Uh, yeah.” His arm flailed at the drawer in his bedside table until he finally got it open. He pulled out lube and a foil packet and handed them to me.
“Seems like a good idea,” I said. “It’s been a long time.”
He nodded. “You’re right. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
I smiled. “Yes, you were. But I think it was about this.” I sank back down and covered the head of his cock with my lips and he moaned. I lubed up a couple fingers and slid them inside him, still working him over with my mouth. I kept going until he was ready and I couldn’t wait any longer. I got up on my knees, slid the condom on, and ran my hands over his muscular thighs. “How do you want it?” I asked.
“Like this,” he said, breathless.
I nodded and scooted in closer, hitching his legs over my arms. I nudged his entrance, willing myself to disregard all the years I’d spent forcing my brain not to think about this exact thing, and pushed inside him. We both made sounds that fell somewhere between an exhale and a whimper. The feel of his tight heat surrounding me hadn’t changed at all and was still second to nothing else in the world. I took a few deep breaths and ran my hands along the sides of his thighs.
“Jack,” he said, his voice rough.
“Yeah?”
“Do it.”
I needed no further prompting. I snapped my hips back and went at him hard and fast. Judging by the sounds he made, and the way he arched his back up off the bed and twisted his fists in the sheets, he loved every second of it. It wasn’t long before he reached for himself, his firm strokes matching my rhythm until his hips stuttered and he cried out, spilling his release onto his stomach.
I’ve never been real big on watching, but considering that was a sight I thought I’d never seen again, that was all I needed. A few more thrusts and I let go, pushing deep into him, uttering a string of holy-motherfucking-shits as I rode the wave of my climax until I fell on top of him.
We lay there for a few seconds, breath heaving, until I pulled out and rolled off to the side. Ennis fished around off the side of the bed until he snagged a T-shirt and wiped us both off and I tossed the condom. He dropped the shirt back on the floor and held his arm out.
“Come here, baby,” he said.
I inched my way over into his embrace and sighed in contentment. Whatever shit we still had between us, it didn’t matter right then. In that moment, I felt like I was finally back where I belonged, like I’d finally come full circle after a long journey that left us both different people, but somehow still right for each other. I snuggled into him, thinking all my happy thoughts, and I probably would’ve dozed off if I hadn’t heard a sniffle come from above me. I looked up and saw Ennis’s eyes were wet and, while I’d seen him sadder, he looked pretty down.
“Hey,” I said, pushing up on an elbow and brushing the hair off his forehead. “What’s wrong?”
He blew out a long breath and a tear leaked from his eye. “Jesus,” he said and wiped at his face. “I don’t know.”
“Was it that bad?” I asked, half joking.
“Huh?” He gave me a puzzled look. “No! No. Not you. Never you.” He pulled me to him and wrapped me up in his arms. “That was… shit. I don’t even know the words for what that was.”
“Me too,” I murmured into his shoulder.
He loosened his grasp and I leaned back again. “But it’s almost like the fact that it happened… after all these years of telling myself I fucked it up. I had it, and I fucked it up, and I wasn’t ever going to have you like that again. Then to have it happen, it’s like….”
“Too much?” I finished. He nodded and another tear escaped. “I get it. I was thinking something kind of like that.”
He laughed a little. “At least you’re not crying in bed after sex.”
I smiled and kissed the side of his head. “It’s all right. I’ve done enough crying for both of us.”
“Fuck.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. Just that maybe I’m kind of okay now because I got it out before. That’s all.”
He nodded but he didn’t look any less upset.
“Is there something else?” I asked.
He sighed. “Jesus. I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Do what?” I prodded. He was starting to freak me out a little.
“Talk. Dig up the past. I don’t know.” More tears, more sniffles.
“Well, whatever it is, it’s obviously upsetting you. You can talk to me; you know that. And that’s part of the reason we’re seeing each other again. We need to get through some of the hard shit.”
“Oh, god,” he groaned.
I lay down with my head on the pillow and tugged on him until he rolled over onto his side to face me. I ran my fingers along the side of his face. “It’s all right. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but I hope you do.”
He closed his eyes for a long moment, then opened them and started talking in a quiet voice. “This has been in my head for so long….” He took a deep breath. “Do you remember that summer we first moved to the house off campus? When your mom found out about us and everything.”
“Of course.”
He cleared his throat. “The day we drove the U-Haul up with all our stuff, we were getting ready to leave. Your mom was there being all sweet even though she’d basically just found out her son was moving in with his boyfriend.”
I smiled. “Yeah. She knew. I kind of told her everything - within reason - but I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d freak. She just wanted me to be happy.”
His eyes looked so sad at that I thought my heart might break. “She knew more than that. You said goodbye to her and got into my car to drive it up to school. Then she came over to me to say bye. She gave me a hug, but before she let me go she said -” He swallowed a sob and I ran my hand over his hair until he was ready to keep going. I had a vague recollection of the scene, but I didn’t recall him ever telling me what she’d said.
He wiped at his cheeks. “She said, ‘I know he hasn’t told you yet, but my son loves you. And I have an idea of how you feel about him, so I’m trusting you to be good to him. Can you do that for me?’ I was so surprised I just stood there and then nodded.”
“Shit,” I said, starting to get choked up myself.
“And then the way things happened…. I’ve felt like shit for I don’t know how long because it was the only thing she ever asked of me, and I didn’t do it. I mean she was right - I did love you. I do,” he added softly. “But I was too fucked up to be able to stick with you like I know she wanted, to treat you like I should have. I let her down, I let you down, and I can’t fix any of it.”
By that time, we both had tears trailing down our faces. It was strange to know that Mom had seen something even I hadn’t been sure of back then. And it was almost like she was taking precautions - like she knew she wouldn’t be there long term and was trying to make sure I’d be looked after. I don’t think she consciously knew she was going to die, but I’ve heard of things like that before. It’s a kind of sixth sense or something. And Ennis was so pained by the whole thing. I never had a clue he’d been carrying around something like that.
I wiped a hand at my eyes and reached for him. “Come here,” I said. I tucked him against my shoulder and waited for him to settle down, still running fingers through his hair. When he quieted, I said, “It’s not your fault. We were kids; we did the best we could. Parents always want their kids to be happy, but we’re bound to fuck up along the way.”
He sniffed. “I feel like I promised, though, and then I broke it.”
“You didn’t break it. You did the best you could, and that’s all anyone can ever do. I’m sure Mom knows that. She’s been gone a long time and I don’t think she’s somewhere being mad at you. It’s not her style.” I gave him a little shake. “And look at us - here we are after all. I wouldn’t have predicted that.”
He sighed and tilted his head up to look at me. “Maybe I’ll still have the chance to keep that promise.”
I gave him a small smile. “Maybe.”
We lay quietly for a while wrapped up in each other, my mind wandering back to ten years ago, and Mom, and the way it all used to be.
After a bit Ennis sighed and said, “Can I ask you a question?”
I propped myself up on my elbow to look at him. “Sure.”
“You don’t have to answer, or talk about it if you don’t want to.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He took a deep breath. “What you told me about after I left, and after we broke up for good - that you weren’t eating, weren’t getting out of bed….”
I nodded.
“Were you going to kill yourself? I mean, did you try?”
I flopped back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. “I didn’t actually make an attempt, no. There was no call to 9-1-1, or trip to the ER.” He rolled toward me and tucked his hands under his head. “I thought about it. A lot. I guess…. There just didn’t seem to be any reasons to stay around. Mom was gone, then you were gone. I felt like I didn’t want to be anymore. Everything seemed too hard.”
He reached over and brushed the back of his hand over my cheek. “And Josh saved you?”
I grabbed his hand and laced our fingers together. “No. Josh got me to a doctor who got me on some meds - his mom’s a nurse. He kept on my ass about going to my dumbass therapist who I hated more than anything. He didn’t let me give up. But I saved me. I had to learn a whole new way to be that was just me - no Mom, no you - and figure out how to be okay with that. It blew.
“After Mom died, I hung onto you so tight. I never really dealt with losing her, not totally. I just threw myself into you. And when I lost that… it was all there staring me in the face. I could never say I’m glad we broke up because nothing has ever hurt that bad in my life. But it forced me to get my shit together, deal with things, and figure myself out. You know?” I glanced over at him and saw him swallow hard.
“Shit,” he whispered, and when he blinked his eyelashes were stuck together with wetness.
“Uh-uh,” I said and rolled to face him. “You don’t get to blame yourself for any of that. That was me being young, and fucked up, and dealt a shitty hand. It’s not all about you.”
He shook his head. “It’s not that,” he whispered.
“What then?”
He gave me a shaky smile. “It hurts to hear. It’s hard to think that at some moment you could’ve made a different choice and we wouldn’t be lying here right now. I’d have looked you up one day and found a goddamn obituary. I wouldn’t have talked to you again, and these -” he traced his thumbs under my eyes - “gone forever.”
I felt a lump rise in my throat. “I’m right here.”
He pulled me to him. “I know.”
We dozed off for a while, then woke up a few hours later and reached for each other again. The third time we went at each other it was near dawn. Even though our libidos hadn’t gotten the memo, we weren’t kids and that round knocked us out until late morning. Around eleven o’clock, I stretched and rolled over and before I knew who was where, Ennis swooped an arm around me and pulled me against his chest.
“Morning,” I said with a laugh.
“Mm. Morning,” he rumbled.
I sighed. I’d forgotten how much I loved morning Ennis - his deep voice, his warmth, his snuggling. The night before had my brain kind of scrambled. Don’t get me wrong; it was amazing. But it was one of those be-careful-what-you-wish-for things. Or maybe more like getting to meet your favorite movie star: all at the same time, it’s everything you’d hoped yet nothing like you imagined. There was so much about Ennis that was familiar, all that we knew about each other and how to make it good. But there was no denying we’d both learned a lot in the bedroom in the interim.
We stayed pressed together, my face against his chest, until he buried his nose in my hair and asked, “How bad is it?”
“Huh? How bad is what?” I asked.
He pulled back to meet my gaze. “Whatever’s going on in your head. You’ve been quiet way too long for it to be anything good. Are you freaking out on me?”
I wrinkled my nose at him. “No. Not exactly.”
“What exactly?”
“I don’t know. It’s just… a lot, you know? Finding each other and spending time together again, but also realizing how much time has passed. Then we have some actual… dates. And that’s different, because you never would’ve… well, you know. And then last night…. I mean, I was on board and it was great, but it was also different too. You know, than before. All the talking, sharing. And it’s like it just puts it in big bold letters how much I don’t know you anymore. How much I missed. We missed. Shit, I don’t even know if that makes sense.”
He tightened his arms around me. “I get it. I think we’re still the same basic people, though. It’s just time, and life, and experience. But those are all things we can learn, catch up on as we go. You don’t have to know everything in one night, even though I know you’d like to,” he added with a pointed look.
“Shut up.”
“Just promise me one thing.”
“What?” I asked, wary. I wasn’t sure I was ready to promise him anything.
“You have a shitload of reasons not to see me again, or even talk to me again if you don’t want to. But promise me you won’t think yourself out of this. Out of us. Talk to me, yell, scream, whatever. Just don’t let whatever goes on in here” - he tapped the side of my head - “get you so freaked out that you just bail on me. Okay?”
My first instinct was to leap to my own defense and tell him I wouldn’t do something like that, but I bit my tongue because I would, and he knew it. I sighed. “I’ll do my best,” I said.
“Can’t ask for more than that,” he said with a smile.
I scooted up so we were nose to nose and kissed him long and slow. When we came up for air, I asked, “So, what’s on the agenda for today?”
“Round four?” he murmured as he nipped at my jawline and ground his hard cock into my thigh.
I chuckled and squirmed in his arms. “Jesus, are you sure you’re not still twenty years old?”
“I’m sure,” he said against my skin. “I’m just inspired.”
“All right, so after round four,” I said, and put my fingers under his chin to bring his focus back to my face. “What’s on the agenda?”
“Shopping.”
“For?”
Groceries.”
I furrowed my brow. “We’re going to do your grocery shopping?”
His tongue snuck out and traced my lower lip. “No. I’m cooking you dinner tonight. I need to pick up a few things.”
“Really?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Sounds good.” I barely had the words out before he dove for my mouth. Round four was the best one of all.
today
yesterday