On watching the new star Trek movie....
Keep in mind, I'm exhausted to the point of tears.
I feel like I was beaten with 2x4's.
I spent weeks cleaning and gathering items for a huge yard sale that I finally finished up with yesterday, which entailed sitting out in the heat and putting up with strange people who want everything for free, and I can't even stand straight for a full minute without keeling over because my inner gyroscope is off kilter.
So, at the end of the day, I took a long hot shower, put on clean clothes (I'd been covered in dust for days) and decided it would be fun if we watched the new Star Trek movie.
I already new we weren't going to like it.
Saw the last one.
It was atrocious.
But given that- I thought we could laugh and make fun of this one.
I couldn't sit through the first five minutes.
If I had bought this instead of renting it at the $1 Box, I would have taken it out of the DVD player and smashed it into pieces.
The $1 rental was overpaying for it, I can tell you that right now.
First off- Kirk is running through some color manipulated wood- and we all know it's Kirk cuz we saw the previews and commercials for the movie- and some obviously primitive tribe is chasing after him.
We know they're primitive cuz they hardly have clothes on and carry spears.
They're white- so as not to offend any black people.
But they are still offensive.
I was offended as soon as one started with some made-up 'Icky-icky' language.
Then, Kirk- now joined with McCoy escape the natives by jumping over a cliff and landing in water waaaay too soon in my opinion.
Given the amount of 'special effects' and stupid, annoying camera work- you'd think someone, somewhere, would have seen enough cliff diving scenes to have timed it better.
Kirk and Mccoy didn't get smaller with the distance.
They just plopped into the water, practically.
But that's not all- there's still the chunky Spock gearing up to stop a volcano from erupting while his 'strong' woman Uhura is driving everyone except Spock, because he must LOVE her so much, up the freakin' wall!
"You want me to go instead?" as she suits him up.
"That is highly illogical...." Yes- we all know it's you Spock.
You don't have to say, "Highly illogical all the time.
You may be fat and chunky and look nothing like the old Spock, or like you come from another planet much less this country- but you have the haircut and the ears.
A simple 'No' would've sufficed and taken up less time.
Okay- it's clear you're the 'Dork' in this relationship.
So......what does Uhura even want with you?
Oh- I get it.
You're the only one who can put up with her 'Helicopter Crazy' cuz you're oblivious to it.
Gotcha.
Then, there's Chekov who- I don't know if this guy is supposed to be stuttering of if it's just really, really painful for him to speak with an over-annunciated Russian accent or what.
I just don't get this guy.
There's Simon Pegg on the Bridge, because maintainence workers are always allowed and welcomed in the top offices to voice their complaints.
Yeah... that's how Walmart works, ya know.
Oh, and let's throw in some good ol' Star Trek wisdom bites instead of creating new ones-
The needs of the many out weigh the few....
Prime directive? What prime directive?
Damn it, Jim!
Yeah, so Kirk violates the Prime Directive to save a 'friend' that he's only friends with because the old Spock told new Spock and new Kirk to get along and play nice.
And Uhura shows such emtoinial range by being both relieved AND pissed by her boyfriend's safe return.
Next scene- Kirk wakes up from bed with two workers from The Kit-Kat club and runs to work, McCoy ever at his side, flirting on the way, wearing his gestapo uniform.
When did Star Fleet wear Gestapo uniforms?
Okay- okay- closer to Communist country uniforms.
I know this is supposed to be an alternate history- but everything in the universe change?
Incuding fashion?????.
And how is it that Kirk is such a pussy-hound?
Gag!
This guy looks like open scabs.
McCoy might be the best one in this franchise, but what kind of doctor is he if he's always running around with Kirk and never being a doctor?
So, Kirk is in trouble (isn't he always?) for saving Spock... after Spock tells on him.
OMG.
I stopped when Micky from Dr. Who met up with Sherlock Holmes.
I had it.
There was a time and date- but I don't know if it was the future...the past...who gives a fuck.
A whirlwind roller-coaster ride with fireworks and a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts downed with six Red Bulls all in five minutes- if that long.
Time to vomit.
I am greatly offended.
Not only by the derogatory blinky-eyed tribe at the start-
but by the whole idea that someone in the studio, writer's office, and/or director's chair believes that everything 'Star Trek' is some sort of comedy.
That it's all one big joke.
Only I'm not laughing.
I know Star Trek had humorous moments- but they were endearing.
I know Kirk was a bit of a ladies' man- but he wasn't a sex addict.
These rebooted characters are characatures of their former selves.
Cardboard cut-outs.
They have no hearts.
No souls.
No depths of personality.
No depths at all.
This is no longer a 'Thinking Man's' food for thought concept to ingest slowly.
To contemplate.
To dwell upon.
A moral myth to bring out the best in ourselves.
It's become fast food.
Junk food.
A video game on the big screen to hold the attention of an attention deficient general public.
Star Trek has been brought down to the lowest denominator of morons.
Instead of demanding increased levels of intelligence and a betterment of society, it has been made poo-poo.
And am I very sad that this will now be the legacy of Star Trek.
Very offended...and very sad.
BTW- We made about $500 in the yard sale.
That paid off the A/C repair.
:-)