Ok, so here's the situation.... Meds
If it's not known, I suffer a great deal of afflictions.
Foremost- Fibromyalgia and Arthritis.
I'm in constant pain.
Sometimes, overwhelming knives on fire pain- sometimes, needles and pins, and on good days- a low dull thud of pain.
But always in pain.
The only medication that works is highly overprescribed and often stolen and/or sold on the streets.
I can see why- it works!
Though others may use this as a recreational drug- I NEED it to get through the day (or night) like a semi-normal person.
I get to keep my wits, and I'm myself.
I kinda-sorta need this two to three times a day, but my doctor will only prescribe this once a day.
So, for two weeks of the month- I'm fine and dandy.
But the two weeks before I can get a refill- I'm in Hell.
So, I went to another doctor, hoping she wold sympathize with me and allow my me required dosage-
but NOOOOooooOOOOO!
Instead, she recommended a well balanced diet and exercise.
Been there-done that...to no avail.
I also was prescribed a medicine I like to refer to as Gabba-Gabba-Hey!
Simply because the first part of the name reminds me of the Ramones.
The first day I took it- a miracle!
No pain!
No pain at all!
It had been eons since I felt this way!
I was so happy!
But then, I looked around my house and came to the stark objective realization that I live in a shit-hole!
All I could think was- "WTF???!!!
"No one should have to live like this!"
So, I cleaned up immediately.
And I took care of the livingroom, diningroom and a bathroom.
The next day- I tried to continue the clean up- but I would become so exhausted after every move.
And I felt like I was covered with styrofoam and bubblewrap.
I spent the day in bed.
No pain- but a weird feeling was taking over me.
I felt empty.
Vacant.
Like my soul was sucked out of me.
The third day- I would cry inconsolably for no apparent reason.
And I wanted to die.
I didn't feel like myself anymore.
I felt like I died and became a weird mixed-up zombie.
I stopped the meds.
Two days later the pain returned- worse than ever!
Egads!
So I started up again with the Gabba-Gabba-Hey.
Again- I was pain-free, felt rejuvenated and gained stark clarity and thought- "WTF???!!!"
And cleaned up another part of the house.
But the depression returned the next day- so I stopped again.
I discovered the formula of taking it one day, then skipping a day.
That way- I get my Wonderwoman powers for a full day without contemplating suicide the next.
I still don't feel like myself- but, hey- no pain.
Absolutely NO PAIN!
On the 4th of July- I decided at the last minute to have a BBQ- and even invited a few people over.
Including my Sweet Babboo. (Hadn't seen him in days!)
I took the Gabba-Gabba-Hey since I had so much to do.
Again- pain completely disappeared, lots of energy- and I was struck with the "WTF???!!!" realization again-
only this time I was looking at my boyfriend, my Sweet Babboo.
I was madly in love with this man when we were 16 year old kids back in high school.
No one had ever treated me so wonderfully before or after we met.
I have lived my whole life wondering about him and hoping he was doing well.
Every man I became involved with could never measure up to him- not even close.
And when we met up again at his high school reunion- it was like God, Himself, brought us together.
We picked up exactly where we left off since high school but without the awkwardness and second-guessing and insecurities.
We both knew we were meant to be together from the start.
And here I was looking at him- thinking, "WTF???!!! What in the world am I doing with THIS guy? All he does is watch cheesy horror movies from the 50's and 60's all day. Yeesh! I gotta get outta this arrangement PDQ!"
And then, I'm thinking- "WTF??!!" about the "WTF???!!!"
So do I take the red pill or the blue pill?
If I stop my Gabba-Gabba-Hey entirely- I will suffer my pains greater than when I first started with them.
Horrible pain that would make Purgatory and Hell seem like a relaxing vacation at the beach.
But if I continue- I can never see my sweetheart the same again.
I might even be able to get a job and move ahead in my life.
I might actually accomplish something and achieve success for once- but I would be alone.
Without the only man I ever loved in my life.
Decisions- decisions....