Not all roses and candy....
This isn't the first time my Sweet Baboo, GG, has hurt my feelings.
But I'm seriously starting to think it should be the last time.
Tuesday- my son and I went over to help GG cut down some limbs hanging over his fence.
My idea was to climb up the tree and hack off the main offending limb, and then we'd spend the rest of the time cutting it up while it was grounded.
GG strongly objected, and commenced to cutting down the branch, bit by bit, shouting out each time for me to get out of the way- and to stay away- and to just remain off to the side.
Well, he didn't quite cut a bit of limb all the way through.
It was left hanging.
And neither he nor my son could get at the correct angle to cut it off.
While they pondered the situation, I climbed up on the ladder- only to have him shout at me to get down.
I took the long tool they were using to cut the tree, and I tried to twirl the branch around.
"What are you doing?!" GG exclaimed, exasperated. "You can't reach. You're too little."
"I'm just trying to twirl the branch," I answered.
He laughed at my response.
But eventually, after four tries, I managed to twirl the branch, and spun it around and around, until it popped off.
"Okay, now get down!" GG yelled at me.
No 'Thank you.'
No 'Good idea.'
Nada.
So it was with every suggestion I made.
I was either laughed at, yelled at -NO!, or given some flimsy excuse that otherwise insulted my intelligence.
And the few suggestions that I managed to carry out, despite so much protesting, always came through.
But no acknowledgement.
I told GG he was hurting my feelings.
He said he'd rather hurt my feelings than see me physically hurt.
No.
That's a big mistake.
A very big mistake.
Because my physical wounds heal almost by the very next day.
But the emotional ones....
The emotional ones fester, and grow deeper and deeper.
And I dwell on them.
And they combine with other emotional wounds to become bigger and bigger.
And before you know it- I've added up every single time he's hurt my feelings, multiplied them by a million, threw in the time factor by averaging how many times he's hurt me divided by the time we've been together and came up with him hurting me at least once every other month.
On average.
And I don't think I'm looking forward to a future of being hurt every other month.
On average.
And looking back on each and every time he's hurt my feelings, I've dissected the insult and analyzed the feeling in response and came up with the realization of how he actually sees me.
Insult #1. The money fight.
I asked him if he was rich. He said no. I figured from then on that I would not be taken care of financially by him (So, no REAL doctor or dentist visits) and I had to come up with my own means of supporting myself in my 'Golden Years.'
Well....He was going out of town the next day and said he'd call as soon as he got back later in the evening. But he never called. I worried all night. I didn't sleep a wink. And the next day, too. I was suffering a panic attack- I imagined him beaten by the side of the road and left for dead, or that he had a diabetic episode and lost control of the car and veered off a cliff and exploded when he hit the ground. I was having a full blown nervous breakdown when I decided to call him and leave a message on his machine, when he answered the phone.
He was fine.
He was home since the day before- early afternoon.
He just decided not to call me because he was mad at me.
He thought our relationship was a lie and based on how much money he has.
So, he was mad at me.
Result- Okay- I'm upset and crying- and he's yelling at me.
And when I look back on this- knowing he was all fine and dandy watching tv while I was about to faint with fear and dread- I am insulted.
And I am further insulted that he thought for one second that I was some sort of 'Gold Digger!'
Insult #2- Politics. He was using a snippy tone with me. But overall, this revealed to me his short temper- especially when his blood sugar is low. And I guess calling him a 'Young Republican' wasn't exactly a compliment. Nor my snide suggestion that he stands outside protesting abortion clinics, so I guess this one reaally doesn't totally and completely count. But I still count it.
Because the resulting feeling is that he doesn't have much respect for my feelings. Nor for the feelings of his fellow men and women. Especially women.
Insult #3. Religion. I have difficulty understanding why his men's prayer study group is talking about St. Patrick and how the Vatican disapproved of his manner of teaching. To be quite honest- I never heard of such a thing. So, I said his group should probably study and pray to be closer to God instead of nitpicking and making fun of the Catholic faith. And he used his snippy tone saying he didn't know exactly what the study was about because he didn't have the book because he was gone that week and can't do the study on his own- and that week he was gone- we were on vacation in Galveston. So- what he's saying is that I disrupted his important meetings that seem only to insult the faith founded by Jesus Christ, the son of God, himself- and that it's all my fault because I took him with me on vacation.
Result- insults me, my family, and my faith.
Insult #4- Cupcakes. He was in charge of this church group serving refreshments at a little coffee/get-together/shindig sort of thing with live gospel music. So, i suggested we make cupcakes. He had to buy the three boxes and frosting- I was out of money. And I even went with him to the 'Anti-gravity' grocery store that manages to make me dizzy and fall, and I let him pick out a flavor himself. Plus, the milk and eggs. And he became so grouchy all of a sudden and seemed to scoff at my paranoia of the dairy section. And when we got back to his house- he hid in his tv room in the dark. Well- eventually we made the cupcakes with his protesting that I was doing too much and that none of this was necessary, but come the night of the shindig- he certainly basked in the compliments he was receiving about the cupcakes.
Result- I'm never baking or cooking for him again.
And insult #5- the tree trimming incident.
Result- obviously I'm incapable of rational thought. In fact, I'm incapable of just about everything.
And I've been fuming ever since.
My whole 4th of July was shot to hell.
No BBQ.
No nothing.
In fact- as I was driving 2of4 to the store, I told her what I'm stating here. And my son flew off the handle, yelled out, "GODDAMN IT!" and got out of the car and took off walking.
Why? to prove my point?
My point being that men are stupid!
He was gone for the most part of the day- adding to the screw up of my holiday.
When 2of4 and I tried to leave the store- the car's 'Theft System' went on.
Which meant we had to sit and wait for ten minutes- because it was obvious the car was designed by a man NOT to protect the safety of women and children- but to protect a man's investment.
Well, this guy parked next to us and asked if we were okay and if he could do anything to help.
I proceeded to explain that I triggered the Theft System and that we had to wait ten minutes to shut off before we could restart the car.
Again, he asked if there was anything to let him know- and I said thank you but we were fine.
He came out after he did his shopping and asked if he could help by looking under the hood.
2of4 was politely responding when I had it!
"I TOLD you- the theft system was triggered. We have to WAIT 10 minutes to restart it. There's nothing you can do! There's nothing ANYONE can do but WAIT TEN MINUTES!!!"
He backed away slowly, with wide eyes, got in his truck and took off.
At THAT point, the theft system was off- I started the car, took off after him and as we drove along side of him- i pointed at the hood.
See Dumbass? It fucking starts! What are you thinking? That you're going to RESCUE us?!!!
2of4 started laughing.
"That poor guy. We're just gonna go after every man like we're a couple of Klingon women!"
And I have to say. That brightened my day.
I was became less and less homicidal when I ordered Chinese food and watched 1776 while eating it.
And I was on the verge of thinking that men really aren't all that bad- when someone knocked on the door.
It was some Baptist telling me how wrong my religion is and that I really should go to his church.
All because he asked if I could say I was 100% sure I was saved and going to Heaven.
And I said I would never presume to know the final decision God makes on Judgment day. To do so would be pompous. And besides- all that is meant to be kept inside the heart, and we're supposed to be humble about it. You're not supposed to go about bragging about it.
Well, I guess it's part of his religion to go about bragging about it.
In the 'Nanny-nanny-boo-boo! I'm going to Heaven because Jesus loves ME and not You' sort of fashion.
And he was wearing an obnoxious red, white and blue ensemble that really just made me want to punch him in the middle of his bald-ass head.
When he asked if I had 30 seconds for him to save me- I said No. I was eating dinner. And 1776 was on.
So, I slipped inside my house while he went on and on.
I just smiled and nodded, and quickly went inside.
But after dinner, when 2of4 and my son went out to water their plants- I poked my head out the door to tell them to bring in the flag- when lo and behold!
The Zealot was bothering THEM.
"Oh, I was just telling your kids...."
I just smiled, and went back inside the house.
Why doesn't he understand that I want him to GO AWAY!???
That guy is just lucky I didn't grab him by his stars and stripe and throw him on the ground!
Happy fuckin' 4th of July.
Or is it truly Independence Day?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe I just wasn't meant to be in a relationship.
I mean, seriously...if I can't be happy with the one that I love most in the world- the one that I prayed for all these years, I may as well just hang it up.
Otherwise, I will forever be made to feel inferior, inept, and second rate due to my faith, culture, gender, social and financial status and everything that makes me who and what I am.
I am void of all feeling.
Like a robot.
Because if not- I would be very, very sad and crying.
And I thought I was supposed to be happy.