The Only Colour Better Than Black Is Transparent Prologue
Summary: If there’s one thing Tatsuya the angel hates, it’s trying to define himself as a black-winged or white-winged one. There’s also one other thing - humans, and the study of humans.
Oh wait, maybe one more - Taguchi Junnosuke, the loud, annoying contemporary dance student who is freakishly lovable.
Oh wait - umm, Akanishi Jin, the ridiculous guy who claims to be his childhood friend. Kamenashi Kazuya, the idol. Tanaka Koki, the gangster studying to be a vet. Nakamaru Yuichi, the clumsy Ethics professor who has perfect skin. And especially Nishikido Ryo, the REAL childhood friend from another realm who finds Tatsuya’s Earth predicament so amusing that he volunteered to be the former’s housekeeper and watch the drama unfold for free.
It’s such a quaint little Tokyo University/Heaven/Hell love story that if Tatsuya himself were reading this, he’d blush and tear it up.
[Prologue]
The brand of feather dye I use is very expensive.
Well, I am very expensive. I was BORN into riches, dear people - and since the reason of you reading this pathetic little piece of scribble on my lecture notes is probably due to the fact that you love me, I shall enlighten you on the problems I am having right now.
The problem is that, due to the high quality of feather dye I use, the colours are staying too long for my liking.
You see, most of hell’s OTHER angels use this particular kind of feather dye to dye the odd white feather on their wings back to black (much like those measly humans pull out stray white hairs) because pulling them out would affect aerodynamics and therefore our flying. As if flying underground isn’t difficult enough already.
But, no such luck, I use this kind of feather dye to dye my ENTIRE set of wings black. Not because I have a set of mutated genes of course (angel genes are always perfect, otherwise we’d be humans with malfunctioning DNA replication systems, ew), but because I was born a white-wing. And into riches, don’t forget that.
If you’re a miserable lowly servant who doesn’t understand how the superior realms work, I shall enlighten you further. White-winged angels are not like black-winged angels. They run heaven, the land on the clouds, where everything is candy floss on the outside but full of backstabbing and prejudice when the odd visitor from Earth isn’t around to have a look so they can go back and testify for their ‘paradise’.
And that was why my parents left it.
Which was also why, funnily enough, they were damned to hell.
You’d think that after damnation, the white-wings would let them grovel in peace but 500 years ago, the humans were causing a bit of trouble and the archangel lost his patience with petty matters such as my rebellious parents.
And so, 500 years ago on this day, both my parents were killed brutally (and yes I mean BRUTALLY) by crucifixion with a hundred poisoned feathers.
I was taken in by hell’s archangel, and raised like his son. Naturally, I wanted to fit in so I dyed my white wings black and lived like they did. Everyone knew I was a white-wing, but they never treated me any different. In fact, I’d say my parents’ story is quite inspirational to hell-folk and not many angel kids teased me - probably due to the fact that I broke one’s neck after he tried. BUT, I’m quite a reformed, good little hell-angel now. Look, I’m even quietly doing my Morals homework in my room.
FUCK THIS IS NO TIME TO BE DOING MY MORALS HOMEWORK!!!!!! I don’t even NEED to study Morals! It’s not like I want to judge damned human souls anyway!! I’ve got an apprenticeship in soul COLLECTION, not REDEMPTION!!! Who even needs Moral classes at my age anyway?! It’s about 400 years too late to drill this crap into me!! The guys who draw up the school timetable need a couple of whippings… Why must Morals be the only class available in the afternoon for me to take?! Ugh… It’s only bearable because Ryo takes it too.
Ah the suave ladies’ man Ryo. The idiot who told me to use magic to turn my wings white, or to use bleach.
In case he REALLY fell asleep in Magic class, the one thing we can’t change the form of in any magical way are our wings.
And I am NOT bleaching my nice feathers! I just got them preened yesterday.
The problem I face isn’t solving itself. The fucking white-wings SUMMONED me today by mail. Not by text or projection, but by MAIL. I can’t believe that after 500 years of denying my very existence (yes, I checked the census) they want me back in heaven.
Technically they want me back to heaven so they can tell me that they want to send me to Earth on ‘extended study’, and that my argument is invalid.
Two words: FUCK THEM.
I’m not going ANYWHERE near those simple organisms. They can’t use half their built-in brain capacity for starters, which is like running 30Gb/sec ‘internet’ through an ancient single core ‘computer’ processor when you try and communicate with them! And their mutation rate is WAY too slow. AMOEBA can mutate their genes into helpful things faster than humans!!! BACTERIUM can communicate cures for diseases (aka antibiotics) faster than humans. And they are absolute dimwits! They wouldn’t HAVE any diseases passed on if they’d just let the ones infected die… instead, they keep them alive, claiming the mutated to be equals. I ESPECIALLY hate human ethics.
Thus, I sent an angry projection back to heaven stating the above facts and whaddya know? The mother-fuckers wouldn’t have any time to listen.
And thus again, I am heading up to heaven myself to explain why there is no way on Earth I’m going there.
Which is where my problem lies. See, the folk up there don’t know that I’ve dyed my wings black and they’re not gonna like it… I’ve tried taking it off but because the dye is made to last the lifetime of a feather, it’s not going to come off in the next 3 years. Having black wings is just going to make the archangel of education angry with me and my bargaining won’t get very far.
So, I face a bit of a problem. Simply put, I don’t want to go to Earth but having non-regulation wings means that the selfish gits up there most definitely won’t listen to my side of the argument.
Oh how difficult life is?
Ryo suggests I should just go and get the time of study over and done with, with his trademark grin.
However, the briefing heaven sent me about this Earth trip doesn’t seem very appealing.
- I am not allowed to tell ANYONE I’m an angel.
- I can’t fly.
- I can’t use magic. *read: they’re stripping me of powers*
- I can’t time-travel.
- I can’t inform humans of any impending catastrophes.
- I can’t mind-read.
- I’m not allowed to come back until the sand in the hourglass necklace they also sent me runs out.
- Please feel free to drop by heaven to discuss the details of my trip if I feel the need to.
So basically, this is a bloody CONSPIRACY to keep me on Earth!!!
At this stage, I think I might go actually. *insert cheeky grin here because I’m too tired to do so*
This wing dye isn’t going to come off so there’s no point in arguing with the archangel… Going to Earth means I don’t have to sit through another Morals lecture, I can get out of cleaning up my ruby stash, Ryo can’t bring his succubus girlfriends to the room next door to fornicate loudly and I would have some sort of freedom.
Yes, I think I might go right now, since the mail said I can put a drop of blood on the signature patch and be transported there immediately.
They’ve got everything I might ever need ready so I don’t even need to pack, pretty lucrative deal for me really. I might take a couple handfuls of diamonds though; those pesky humans seem to like the stuff.
*******
Cool, my note to dad is done, note to Ryo to take care of my emerald plants is done.
Now I’ll just have one last read of the ‘Earth briefing’ before I cut myself to drip.
Hmmm
… ‘Live as the circumstances allow you’… blah blah ‘No magic’…..blah…. ‘Everything else is up to you’….blah….. ‘Try not to land yourself in human prisons’…..blah….. ‘No unprotected fornication, no leaving children behind’…..blah….. ‘We pray you return a dignified and changed angel, ready to take on the responsibilities of a mature, sensible, and loving-
OMG I’M LAUGHING SO HARD AT THAT ONE I CAN’T EVEN BREATHE.
Wait, they’re pretty into this whole thing aren’t they? They’ve even got an Earthian name to put on my passport and driver’s licence?
‘Ueda Tatsuya’, it reads.
I like the ring of that.
A.N. There we have it. Do you like the sound of this? Any comments? <3 <3 Please drop one so I have an idea of your thoughts on this! *blows kiss*