Fic: Five Times...
Title: Five Times the Doctor Accidentally Knocked Up the Face of Boe (Okay, One Not So Accidental)
Rated: PG, surprisingly enough
Spoilers: 3x13 - The Last of the Time Lords
Summary: *points to title*
A/N: Just a whole lot of silliness. Complete and utter crack!fic. Thanks to beck_liz for the beta-job!
The first time, he had no clue. He'd bumped into Jack -- the new tank version -- while on the run from the Judoon. This time they were after him. Not that he was actually guilty, mind, but try explaining the finer points of law to a surly, and armed, rhinoceros.
"This means nothing. Honestly, nothing," the Doctor said as he jumped up to hang over the top of the tank.
"Bullshit," Jack said in that new telepathic voice of his. Probably the first time in the history of the universe that swearing sounded profound.
The Doctor grabbed a tentacle -- Jack really went overboard, didn't he -- and stuck it in his mouth.
"Genetic transfer," the Doctor said after taking it back out.
"Call it whatever you want," Jack said with a smile.
While in the ninth month of cooling his heels in a Jadoon cell, a news transmission came over about the Face of Boe giving birth. The baby looked nothing like Jack -- tank or non-tank version -- but did look a bit familiar in a way he couldn't place. Odd.
*
The second time, the Doctor crashed a swanky party with his then-companion A'lana, not knowing Jack would even be there. The Doctor introduced him as the Face of Boe instead of Jack to A'lana, and Jack returned the favor by introducing the Doctor as the father of his child to the entire room.
Hypervodka never tasted so good.
In the Doctor's mind, the first rule of companioning was...strike that. The second rule of companioning was to make sure he didn't do anything stupid while drinking, drugged, under alien or non-alien influence, or after having too much sugar.
The Doctor woke up the next morning in the tank -- in. the. tank. -- curled up around Jack's giant face. A'lana was so getting the boot.
*
The third time found Jack trying to give him the big doe eyes, but in his current state he just looked a bit surprised and stupid.
"You're the only one it works with for some reason. I've had fun trying with others though," Jack said with a scarily big grin.
"I'm sure you have." The Doctor crossed his arms over his chest.
"And a hundred percent success rate!"
"Well, I am quite exceptional."
"That you are," Jack said with a wink.
"Flattery will get you nowhere, as the cliche goes. And hold on, how does this even work? I mean, where exactly does the baby... On second thought, no." The Doctor waved a hand dismissively. "I don't even want to know."
"I want a girl this time. I can choose, you know."
"Jack..." The Doctor started shaking his head.
"I want to name her Rose."
The Doctor flinched. That was probably twisted on more than a few levels...but it worked.
*
"No!"
"Doctor!"
"Absolutely not!"
"You'll die!"
The fourth time, Jack had been named Ambassador to Earth by the Isop Galaxy Federation -- the Doctor couldn't stop laughing for days when he'd heard -- and the Doctor just couldn't miss seeing the ceremony and following celebration. In which there would be no drinking of any hypervodka.
But a massive contamination leak aboard the orbiting consulate had put an end to the party and had trapped Jack and himself in a side hall.
"My transmat will only take the tank and what's inside for long distances. Short distances, and you'd be fine where you are. But all the way to the planet? You need to get in."
"No way! You'll only wind up pregnant again!"
"I'm up for it."
"Yeah, think I'll regenerate, thanks."
"What?"
"Been a while since I regenerated. About time I did it again. You could almost say I've been putting it off. Yes! I've been putting off regenerating and now seems like a great time to do it. More than great, in fact!"
"Hold still, I'm going to beam you in."
"You're gonna what?!" The Doctor had 'beam me and die' on his tongue, when the leak finally caught up with him and he passed out.
The Doctor woke up unregenerated and inside the tank. Bloody hell.
*
The fifth time and passers-by watched a man storming down the sidewalk, hair madly sticking up in every direction from his head, and ranting to himself. Rants of "never again" and "that is not how you play chess" met people's ears, people who parted in front of him and his wildly flailing hands. The man suddenly stopped in front of a vidscreen to watch a newsfeed from Satellite 5, the voice stating that the Face of Boe had just announced that he was pregnant again.
The man made a strange gesture at the vidscreen. A gesture that, unbeknownst to the Earth-dwellers surrounding him, was considered quite rude in the Sbnar System, Northumberland from the years 4567 through 4569, and on a planet called Gallifrey.
Rated: PG, surprisingly enough
Spoilers: 3x13 - The Last of the Time Lords
Summary: *points to title*
A/N: Just a whole lot of silliness. Complete and utter crack!fic. Thanks to beck_liz for the beta-job!
The first time, he had no clue. He'd bumped into Jack -- the new tank version -- while on the run from the Judoon. This time they were after him. Not that he was actually guilty, mind, but try explaining the finer points of law to a surly, and armed, rhinoceros.
"This means nothing. Honestly, nothing," the Doctor said as he jumped up to hang over the top of the tank.
"Bullshit," Jack said in that new telepathic voice of his. Probably the first time in the history of the universe that swearing sounded profound.
The Doctor grabbed a tentacle -- Jack really went overboard, didn't he -- and stuck it in his mouth.
"Genetic transfer," the Doctor said after taking it back out.
"Call it whatever you want," Jack said with a smile.
While in the ninth month of cooling his heels in a Jadoon cell, a news transmission came over about the Face of Boe giving birth. The baby looked nothing like Jack -- tank or non-tank version -- but did look a bit familiar in a way he couldn't place. Odd.
*
The second time, the Doctor crashed a swanky party with his then-companion A'lana, not knowing Jack would even be there. The Doctor introduced him as the Face of Boe instead of Jack to A'lana, and Jack returned the favor by introducing the Doctor as the father of his child to the entire room.
Hypervodka never tasted so good.
In the Doctor's mind, the first rule of companioning was...strike that. The second rule of companioning was to make sure he didn't do anything stupid while drinking, drugged, under alien or non-alien influence, or after having too much sugar.
The Doctor woke up the next morning in the tank -- in. the. tank. -- curled up around Jack's giant face. A'lana was so getting the boot.
*
The third time found Jack trying to give him the big doe eyes, but in his current state he just looked a bit surprised and stupid.
"You're the only one it works with for some reason. I've had fun trying with others though," Jack said with a scarily big grin.
"I'm sure you have." The Doctor crossed his arms over his chest.
"And a hundred percent success rate!"
"Well, I am quite exceptional."
"That you are," Jack said with a wink.
"Flattery will get you nowhere, as the cliche goes. And hold on, how does this even work? I mean, where exactly does the baby... On second thought, no." The Doctor waved a hand dismissively. "I don't even want to know."
"I want a girl this time. I can choose, you know."
"Jack..." The Doctor started shaking his head.
"I want to name her Rose."
The Doctor flinched. That was probably twisted on more than a few levels...but it worked.
*
"No!"
"Doctor!"
"Absolutely not!"
"You'll die!"
The fourth time, Jack had been named Ambassador to Earth by the Isop Galaxy Federation -- the Doctor couldn't stop laughing for days when he'd heard -- and the Doctor just couldn't miss seeing the ceremony and following celebration. In which there would be no drinking of any hypervodka.
But a massive contamination leak aboard the orbiting consulate had put an end to the party and had trapped Jack and himself in a side hall.
"My transmat will only take the tank and what's inside for long distances. Short distances, and you'd be fine where you are. But all the way to the planet? You need to get in."
"No way! You'll only wind up pregnant again!"
"I'm up for it."
"Yeah, think I'll regenerate, thanks."
"What?"
"Been a while since I regenerated. About time I did it again. You could almost say I've been putting it off. Yes! I've been putting off regenerating and now seems like a great time to do it. More than great, in fact!"
"Hold still, I'm going to beam you in."
"You're gonna what?!" The Doctor had 'beam me and die' on his tongue, when the leak finally caught up with him and he passed out.
The Doctor woke up unregenerated and inside the tank. Bloody hell.
*
The fifth time and passers-by watched a man storming down the sidewalk, hair madly sticking up in every direction from his head, and ranting to himself. Rants of "never again" and "that is not how you play chess" met people's ears, people who parted in front of him and his wildly flailing hands. The man suddenly stopped in front of a vidscreen to watch a newsfeed from Satellite 5, the voice stating that the Face of Boe had just announced that he was pregnant again.
The man made a strange gesture at the vidscreen. A gesture that, unbeknownst to the Earth-dwellers surrounding him, was considered quite rude in the Sbnar System, Northumberland from the years 4567 through 4569, and on a planet called Gallifrey.