This week
I remember telling foxy when I was interviewing him that I lived a quiet life, reclusive almost. He keeps asking Me now when the reclusive and quiet bit is about to start.
And well he may. I cannot believe the week that has just passed.
It was always going to be a difficult week for it has been Katy's week. Katy, for those who are new to reading me is my middle daughter, born a year before troll. She died just seven days after her birth.
Most years I do a memorial entry for her at some point but this year it was just too difficult. It was harder this year because on a lesser scale it was as though history were repeating itself.
Most of you will recall Bigfoot, that sweet scrap of feline kittiness who has lived with us since before Easter.
We've been nursing Bigfoot almost constantly for the last two months. Our vet has tried everything - antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, immune system boosters, the lot - yet still he was ailing and in the last couple of weeks, visibly losing weight.
When Katy was born, we knew the day after that we were going to lose her. Nursing her, caring for her and loving her while all the while knowing I was going to lose her was the hardest thing I've ever done. I watched her slip away before my eyes. It was the same with Bigfoot. I've nursed him and all he did was fade away before me.
It was because of this, I think, that I wanted this year to actually go down to Katy's grave - something I rarely ever do at this time. I have many momentos of her in the house - photos and a book I made of the time we had together. But this year I felt compelled to go there, to be close to where she actually lay.
I'd tried to make time to go but it just wasn't happening. Last thursday I woke and knew that no matter what was planned for the day, I HAD to go there. Foxy was supposed to be coming to the city with me to get some electrical componants for something he was repairing but that was ok. I parked the car a little past where I needed to go and told him to wait at the car.
I barely made it to her before just breaking into sobs. I sat with her a long time just letting the memories and how much I miss her swirl around me. I gave her a new china kitten as the previous one had gone missing, as they usually do eventually. I shall buy another soon, and keep it on my desk next to her photo until she needs a new one again.
It took me a long time to gather myself again to the point where I could drive. I went back to the car and didn't say a word. I didn't have to. Fox knew where I had been and why. He knew I didn't want to talk about it yet. I drove down to Brighton, one of my 'happy places' that has really good energies, and we sat on a bench overlooking the ocean for a long time, smoking and eventually talking quietly until I felt more myself.
We did stop off at the electrical supply store and pick up the parts needed, but I deferred going to the chemist to buy a hair colour as had been my intention. Something told me not to worry about it but to go home.
I'm glad I did. We had been only gone three hours but in that time troll had come home from school. One of the first things she said was, 'where's Bigfoot? Did you take him to the vet?'
A short search revealed him slumped, limp and cold but still alive, under my desk. I could tell immediately he would not live much longer. I had spoken to the vet that morning and he had warned me he thought he had Feline Infectious Peritonitis (FIP) which is incurable.
So, I spent the evening cuddling the little kitty, snuggling him close and pouring as much love into what remained of his life as I possibly could. He finally died about 10pm, in my arms, surrounded by the four of us. We were all distraught. Tygrr took the night off work. Krissy was in tears and poor Foxy was trying to comfort us all. He had even offered to hold him til the end for me, so I didn't have to. Later he and tygrr took him outside and buried him under the pine trees.
So, to say I've been a little shattered and emotional this past week is a minor understatement. Foxy stayed over the weekend to help soothe things for us. No one wanted him to go home on friday with us all feeling so raw. So while he is usually here at this point in the week, he is home now until he returns on wednesday morning. It will be a short week this week but then we will be back on a somewhat normal schedule.
I'm still a little fragile today. Today was her funeral. Usually I pick up pretty quickly after the 27th, so I expect the same this year. From the 17th of May through til the 27th each year it's like part of me is yanked back to that time and I exist half in today and half back then.
Some years it's easier and there is simply a little nostaligia, but this year was a hard one. I'm glad I had my Tygrr with her constant love for me to help me cope. And this year I'm glad I had my Foxy who seems to know just what to do to ease the pain a little.
Red
And well he may. I cannot believe the week that has just passed.
It was always going to be a difficult week for it has been Katy's week. Katy, for those who are new to reading me is my middle daughter, born a year before troll. She died just seven days after her birth.
Most years I do a memorial entry for her at some point but this year it was just too difficult. It was harder this year because on a lesser scale it was as though history were repeating itself.
Most of you will recall Bigfoot, that sweet scrap of feline kittiness who has lived with us since before Easter.
We've been nursing Bigfoot almost constantly for the last two months. Our vet has tried everything - antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, immune system boosters, the lot - yet still he was ailing and in the last couple of weeks, visibly losing weight.
When Katy was born, we knew the day after that we were going to lose her. Nursing her, caring for her and loving her while all the while knowing I was going to lose her was the hardest thing I've ever done. I watched her slip away before my eyes. It was the same with Bigfoot. I've nursed him and all he did was fade away before me.
It was because of this, I think, that I wanted this year to actually go down to Katy's grave - something I rarely ever do at this time. I have many momentos of her in the house - photos and a book I made of the time we had together. But this year I felt compelled to go there, to be close to where she actually lay.
I'd tried to make time to go but it just wasn't happening. Last thursday I woke and knew that no matter what was planned for the day, I HAD to go there. Foxy was supposed to be coming to the city with me to get some electrical componants for something he was repairing but that was ok. I parked the car a little past where I needed to go and told him to wait at the car.
I barely made it to her before just breaking into sobs. I sat with her a long time just letting the memories and how much I miss her swirl around me. I gave her a new china kitten as the previous one had gone missing, as they usually do eventually. I shall buy another soon, and keep it on my desk next to her photo until she needs a new one again.
It took me a long time to gather myself again to the point where I could drive. I went back to the car and didn't say a word. I didn't have to. Fox knew where I had been and why. He knew I didn't want to talk about it yet. I drove down to Brighton, one of my 'happy places' that has really good energies, and we sat on a bench overlooking the ocean for a long time, smoking and eventually talking quietly until I felt more myself.
We did stop off at the electrical supply store and pick up the parts needed, but I deferred going to the chemist to buy a hair colour as had been my intention. Something told me not to worry about it but to go home.
I'm glad I did. We had been only gone three hours but in that time troll had come home from school. One of the first things she said was, 'where's Bigfoot? Did you take him to the vet?'
A short search revealed him slumped, limp and cold but still alive, under my desk. I could tell immediately he would not live much longer. I had spoken to the vet that morning and he had warned me he thought he had Feline Infectious Peritonitis (FIP) which is incurable.
So, I spent the evening cuddling the little kitty, snuggling him close and pouring as much love into what remained of his life as I possibly could. He finally died about 10pm, in my arms, surrounded by the four of us. We were all distraught. Tygrr took the night off work. Krissy was in tears and poor Foxy was trying to comfort us all. He had even offered to hold him til the end for me, so I didn't have to. Later he and tygrr took him outside and buried him under the pine trees.
So, to say I've been a little shattered and emotional this past week is a minor understatement. Foxy stayed over the weekend to help soothe things for us. No one wanted him to go home on friday with us all feeling so raw. So while he is usually here at this point in the week, he is home now until he returns on wednesday morning. It will be a short week this week but then we will be back on a somewhat normal schedule.
I'm still a little fragile today. Today was her funeral. Usually I pick up pretty quickly after the 27th, so I expect the same this year. From the 17th of May through til the 27th each year it's like part of me is yanked back to that time and I exist half in today and half back then.
Some years it's easier and there is simply a little nostaligia, but this year was a hard one. I'm glad I had my Tygrr with her constant love for me to help me cope. And this year I'm glad I had my Foxy who seems to know just what to do to ease the pain a little.
Red
