Responsibility, fault and blame

[msagara]

Something comrade_cat said in the comments tickled a thought I frequently have.

Blaming the crappy part of my life on my parents' divorce is so fucking
cliché though, and I don't want to penalize my parents for making what I
feel was the right decision at the time.

Maybe this is what msagara means about not blaming people.

Comments

[karenmiller]

I don’t want to say “let go”, because that’s a mischaracterization. If something has fish hooks in your psyche, you are not exactly holding on. But…at that point, I could begin the task of pulling them all out.

Wow. Thank you for that. Since I'm slowly but surely wrestling with some crap, you really help to define for me what it is I'm doing.

And the rest of your post is of course made of win and wisdom.

[msagara]

Wow. Thank you for that. Since I'm slowly but surely wrestling with some crap, you really help to define for me what it is I'm doing.

Thank you!

I dislike the phrase ‘let it go’ because I really don’t believe that we’re holding on to these things on purpose; we’re caught by them and in them, but it’s not like we want to be there, which “let it go” implies to me.

[deire]

Yes. I was betrayed by someone over a series of years. I don't talk about it much, but when the name comes up, I am still bitter, and if I say anything I hear, "You have to let that go." Maybe. But sometimes it comes across as, "what you felt isn't important enough to still have an effect; you shouldn't be so weak as to be bothered by it."

[karenmiller]

So maybe the phrase should be, disentangle yourself. Because even though we're caught up against our wishes, it's still up to us to change the situation.

Wow

[mieza]

Michelle -- This may be one of the best essays I think I've read about responsibility vs blame. The mix of objective observation and personal history really makes it: speaking as a mother and as a child, speaking as human being who is a mother who is still fallible ... so much here resonated for me.

I got the link from Alis (Kate Elliott). I'd like to post a link to this on my own Facebook, with your permission (and I'd even like to bookmark it for possible use with students who seem unable to make the distinction). I realize you made it public, but didn't want to have a virtual stranger swoop in to share without making sure it was okay. :-)

Thanks again for a careful, and honest, essay.

Re: Wow

[msagara]

I got the link from Alis (Kate Elliott). I'd like to post a link to this on my own Facebook, with your permission (and I'd even like to bookmark it for possible use with students who seem unable to make the distinction). I realize you made it public, but didn't want to have a virtual stranger swoop in to share without making sure it was okay. :-)

Please feel free to link to it :). Thank you for asking, but it’s not necessary; these posts are public, and if any of them resonate for you and you want to link to them, feel free in the future.

[comrade_cat]

Hey, cool, I'm famous! ;)

I have a lot of trouble with this because I really want to believe there is some way to act in each situation that is good. And how can it be good if people are hurt? I certainly know it won't always happen, but I want to believe it would be possible, if everyone tried really hard and we had good luck and the winds were right.

I also strongly feel that there is a difference between my parents' divorce, which I believe became helpful to my parents, and some things my mother did, such as not acting like my touch issues were real or worthy of acknowledgment. If something *is* somebody's fault, it bugs me if the blame is not assigned correctly.

That doesn't mean I don't want to understand it too. (I *always* want to understand things.)

No other adults are expected to be perfect or to be flawless - and given that parenting is often thankless and exhausting for notable stretches at a time, expecting perfect from parents is unrealistic.Thank you. That is very clear and makes sense to me. It's sort of like how

[bohemiancoast]

Hey, Michelle, are you writing a book here? Because it's definitely starting to look that way.

This all resonates so much with me, and my experiences with my 11 year old who still hasn't worked out that you don't have to have intended to do something malicious for things to go wrong as a result of your actions.

[msagara]

Hey, Michelle, are you writing a book here? Because it's definitely starting to look that way.

I'm not.

Part of the problem with a book of columns like this one is: if I don't have a shingle of expertise to set above its title (and I don't; my 'expertise', such as it is, is just experiential), I won't be able to sell it.

If I had a large platform of people interested in the columns, I wouldn't require the degree - but "large platform" is "John Scalzi" level, and I don't have that :).

[la_marquise_de_]

I, of course, was brought up in such a way that I automatically accept blame for everything. And let people pound on me, because, well, I don't get to have rights in my own head. Which is a huge pain for me, and for others, which I regret.
I don't have a solution for myself, but I wish more parents were like you.