The Candle in the Dark
The Candle In the Dark.
Jack tucked the barrel of the gun under his chin and pulled the trigger.
… darkness and quiet, just for a few minutes … peace …
“This is getting to be a habit, you know.”
Jack jerked upright. That had never happened before. He turned slowly till he saw a soft glow in the darkness. And in that glow - no, not in, he was the glow -
“Ianto?” Jack’s breath caught in his throat. “But you’re - dead.”
“Always observant, sir. And technically, so are you. Dead I mean.”
Jack slowly walked over to Ianto, tentatively touched the younger man’s arm. He felt solid. He slid his hand to Ianto’s cheek. He felt warm. Ianto’s eyes half-closed and he cupped his face in Jack’s hand.
“You’re real,” Jack whispered. “How? And how, how - it’s always been a dark nothingness before.”
“What, you think those few minutes you’re dead is all there is?” Ianto rolled his eyes. “Typical Harkness ego, thinking what he experiences is the pinnacle of everyone else’s experiences.”
“Watch it,” Jack said, grinning despite how insane it felt. He stroked Ianto’s soft hair. “But how - why?”
“As to how, I haven’t a clue, Tosh could probably explain it -“
“Tosh is here?” Jack looked beyond Ianto, into the impenetrable darkness.
“Well, not here with us right now," Ianto said, “but she’s here. Owen too, and Estelle and someone named Algie, whom, I must say, does not look as good in a great coat as you do.”
“Are they - happy?” Do they hate me? Do they wish they’d never met me? How could they not?
“Very happy. Owen’s discovered he can eat and drink again. And do the other things he couldn’t while dead, well, not permanently dead, though I am trying very hard not to get any such visual images in my mind. Tosh has been befriended by people almost as smart as she is -“
“Wait - you can eat and drink and -“
“You can do all sorts of things here, Jack,” Ianto interrupted, his eyes twinkling.
He gave Jack a quick kiss. “And I am somehow not surprised that we are overrun with people from your past. I’m.not sure even Tosh could calculate the number of people who have loved you in one way or another. “ His fingers circled Jack’s wrist. “And the common thread among them is that they can’t wait to tell you how much loving you meant to them.” His grip tightened. “To me.”
He shook his head fondly. “You have certainly been well loved, sir. You should remember that the next time you are tempted to think no one can love you. The opposite is true, it’s impossible not to love you.”
Jack pulled him close, nuzzled his hair. He could smell his shampoo, his cologne, the coffee and old paper scent that always seemed a part of Ianto. Jack still hard trouble reading old books while drinking coffee because the aroma made him think of Ianto, and when he thought of Ianto, the sorrow drowned out all other thoughts.
Ianto placed a whisper of a kiss on Jack’s lips, then stepped back. He drew Jack’s face toward to him, till they were staring into each other’s eyes. “Steven is here too.” He felt Jack flinch. “And Jack, he doesn’t blame you.”
Jack couldn’t speak at first, and then stuttered “I blame myself,” blinking away tears.
Ianto gathered Jack to him, ran his hand slowly down Jack’s back. “It’s your lot to be a Hero, sir. And heroes always do what’s right, no matter the price. You saved the world’s children, Captain.”
“I sacrificed Steven.”
“You saved the children, Jack,” Ianto said firmly. “You’ve forgotten that. You did what no one else could have, and you saved the world.”
Jack shook his head, his face crumpled. “I got you killed.”
“I died protecting the planet. You are not responsible for my death.” He kissed Jack gently. “You can never see the good in yourself.”
“I need you for that,” Jack said plaintively.
“And that’s why I’m came today, to remind you one last time. Hopefully the circumstances will make the lesson stick, though you’re so mutton-headed at times I despair of anything getting through to you,” he said with one raised eyebrow.
Jack surprised himself by laughing. Then it occurred to him - “if I can see you, touch you, does that mean that it took? That I’m really dead forever?” He was afraid to hope.
Ianto put his hand to Jack’s chest and shook his head regretfully. “I’m sorry, Jack, I can feel life coming back to you already.”
Jack’s shoulders sagged and he swallowed a sob. When, he thought, when? Why can’t I stay here? I have nothing to go back to. I have no one to go back to.
“No, no, Jack, no,” Ianto said soothingly, holding Jack close and rocking him as he would a crying child. “You will die eventually. Even the stars die, and you will too.” He kissed Jack’s temple. “And when you do,” he whispered in Jack’s ear, “if you still remember me, and if you still want me, I’ll be waiting for you.”
“It could be a billion years,” Jack mumbled brokenly.
“Then it will be a billion years. Time doesn’t have the same measure here,” Ianto reassured him. “You and me, as long as it takes, remember?”
Jack tried to smile. “I remember.” He looked past Ianto, just for a minute. “When I die, when I die forever, there’s more than just this darkness?” His voice was small and frightened and he barely recognized it as his own.
“There are wondrous worlds, sir. And we’ll share all of them if you’ll still want.”
“I do. I will.” Jack felt life stirring in him. No, he thought, no, no, not yet.
He took Ianto’s face in his hands and kissed him. There was passion in the kiss, but there was also tenderness and hope and love, oh yes, love. Why couldn’t it go on forever? He missed this so much -
… but the call of the living was getting stronger, no matter how he fought it …
“I never told you, I should have told you, I love you,” he said, even as he felt himself being pulled away.
The last thing he saw before life fully returned was Ianto’s soft smile. “I knew, Jack,” he said gently, “I always knew.”
Far too many years and lifetimes later…
The Face of Boe sighed contentedly. He felt life trickling out of him, and he knew that after millions of wonderful, terrible, glorious, shattering years, he would finally die for good.
He would let one last breath out and take no more in.
The knowledge felt good. After all these years.
Funny. In all that living, his past had shadowed till faces and names and events had blurred like a watercolor in the rain. But here, at the end of his time, he remembered everything, every experience he’d ever had, everyone he’d ever known, every one he’d ever loved.
Every one he’d ever loved.
One glowed like a candle in the dark. The one person who’d taught him that he was worthy of love. That he wasn’t a monster. The one person who saw him for what he was, sins and flaws and all, and still loved him. The one person who showed him that love is worth the pain.
Loving him, and being loved by him, was the best thing that had ever happened. There had been many, many lovers since then, but there might not have been any others if not for that one man.
The Face of Boe closed his eyes and took his last breath.
It was dark. He looked down - whoa, he could look down! - and saw arms, legs, a body. He wasn’t the Face of Boe any more, he was Jack, just Jack. He grinned and loved the feel of muscles moving.
And he was wearing his great coat! He hadn’t worn that since Ianto died. It felt like a part of himself had been returned to him.
The darkness was fading into a soft light. And in that light, Jack saw a figure walking toward him.
“Good to see you, sir,” Ianto said.
“Ianto, you’re here!”
“Told you I’d be,” tartly.
“But it was so long -“
Ianto rolled his eyes. “Do you need a refresher about time not meaning anything here?”
Jack hugged him like he’d never let go, kissed Ianto’s eyes, his cheeks, his lips. “I don’t need a refresher about anything but this,” he whispered through his tears.
Ianto tugged on Jack’s braces till he was folded in Jack’s coat and returned the kiss with equal passion.
Ianto finally broke away, laughing at the disappointment in Jack’s eyes. “We have all the time in the world, Jack. Now come on, I believe I promised you wondrous sights.” He took Jack’s hand. “I’m so glad you still wanted to be with me.”
“Always,” Jack said, “always.”
As they walked, Ianto reached into his pocket. “And look what I still have.”
Jack laughed - he thought he’d be doing a lot of laughing from now on “-the stopwatch?! I thought time had no meaning here?”
Ianto looked at him sideways. “Since when has the stopwatch had anything to do with time, Jack?”
Jack nudged him with his hip. “Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.”
“And we have forever to do all of them.”
They held hands, and walked together in the light.
“… hey, do you still make coffee …?”
“… only for you, Jack. Only for you.”
Jack tucked the barrel of the gun under his chin and pulled the trigger.
… darkness and quiet, just for a few minutes … peace …
“This is getting to be a habit, you know.”
Jack jerked upright. That had never happened before. He turned slowly till he saw a soft glow in the darkness. And in that glow - no, not in, he was the glow -
“Ianto?” Jack’s breath caught in his throat. “But you’re - dead.”
“Always observant, sir. And technically, so are you. Dead I mean.”
Jack slowly walked over to Ianto, tentatively touched the younger man’s arm. He felt solid. He slid his hand to Ianto’s cheek. He felt warm. Ianto’s eyes half-closed and he cupped his face in Jack’s hand.
“You’re real,” Jack whispered. “How? And how, how - it’s always been a dark nothingness before.”
“What, you think those few minutes you’re dead is all there is?” Ianto rolled his eyes. “Typical Harkness ego, thinking what he experiences is the pinnacle of everyone else’s experiences.”
“Watch it,” Jack said, grinning despite how insane it felt. He stroked Ianto’s soft hair. “But how - why?”
“As to how, I haven’t a clue, Tosh could probably explain it -“
“Tosh is here?” Jack looked beyond Ianto, into the impenetrable darkness.
“Well, not here with us right now," Ianto said, “but she’s here. Owen too, and Estelle and someone named Algie, whom, I must say, does not look as good in a great coat as you do.”
“Are they - happy?” Do they hate me? Do they wish they’d never met me? How could they not?
“Very happy. Owen’s discovered he can eat and drink again. And do the other things he couldn’t while dead, well, not permanently dead, though I am trying very hard not to get any such visual images in my mind. Tosh has been befriended by people almost as smart as she is -“
“Wait - you can eat and drink and -“
“You can do all sorts of things here, Jack,” Ianto interrupted, his eyes twinkling.
He gave Jack a quick kiss. “And I am somehow not surprised that we are overrun with people from your past. I’m.not sure even Tosh could calculate the number of people who have loved you in one way or another. “ His fingers circled Jack’s wrist. “And the common thread among them is that they can’t wait to tell you how much loving you meant to them.” His grip tightened. “To me.”
He shook his head fondly. “You have certainly been well loved, sir. You should remember that the next time you are tempted to think no one can love you. The opposite is true, it’s impossible not to love you.”
Jack pulled him close, nuzzled his hair. He could smell his shampoo, his cologne, the coffee and old paper scent that always seemed a part of Ianto. Jack still hard trouble reading old books while drinking coffee because the aroma made him think of Ianto, and when he thought of Ianto, the sorrow drowned out all other thoughts.
Ianto placed a whisper of a kiss on Jack’s lips, then stepped back. He drew Jack’s face toward to him, till they were staring into each other’s eyes. “Steven is here too.” He felt Jack flinch. “And Jack, he doesn’t blame you.”
Jack couldn’t speak at first, and then stuttered “I blame myself,” blinking away tears.
Ianto gathered Jack to him, ran his hand slowly down Jack’s back. “It’s your lot to be a Hero, sir. And heroes always do what’s right, no matter the price. You saved the world’s children, Captain.”
“I sacrificed Steven.”
“You saved the children, Jack,” Ianto said firmly. “You’ve forgotten that. You did what no one else could have, and you saved the world.”
Jack shook his head, his face crumpled. “I got you killed.”
“I died protecting the planet. You are not responsible for my death.” He kissed Jack gently. “You can never see the good in yourself.”
“I need you for that,” Jack said plaintively.
“And that’s why I’m came today, to remind you one last time. Hopefully the circumstances will make the lesson stick, though you’re so mutton-headed at times I despair of anything getting through to you,” he said with one raised eyebrow.
Jack surprised himself by laughing. Then it occurred to him - “if I can see you, touch you, does that mean that it took? That I’m really dead forever?” He was afraid to hope.
Ianto put his hand to Jack’s chest and shook his head regretfully. “I’m sorry, Jack, I can feel life coming back to you already.”
Jack’s shoulders sagged and he swallowed a sob. When, he thought, when? Why can’t I stay here? I have nothing to go back to. I have no one to go back to.
“No, no, Jack, no,” Ianto said soothingly, holding Jack close and rocking him as he would a crying child. “You will die eventually. Even the stars die, and you will too.” He kissed Jack’s temple. “And when you do,” he whispered in Jack’s ear, “if you still remember me, and if you still want me, I’ll be waiting for you.”
“It could be a billion years,” Jack mumbled brokenly.
“Then it will be a billion years. Time doesn’t have the same measure here,” Ianto reassured him. “You and me, as long as it takes, remember?”
Jack tried to smile. “I remember.” He looked past Ianto, just for a minute. “When I die, when I die forever, there’s more than just this darkness?” His voice was small and frightened and he barely recognized it as his own.
“There are wondrous worlds, sir. And we’ll share all of them if you’ll still want.”
“I do. I will.” Jack felt life stirring in him. No, he thought, no, no, not yet.
He took Ianto’s face in his hands and kissed him. There was passion in the kiss, but there was also tenderness and hope and love, oh yes, love. Why couldn’t it go on forever? He missed this so much -
… but the call of the living was getting stronger, no matter how he fought it …
“I never told you, I should have told you, I love you,” he said, even as he felt himself being pulled away.
The last thing he saw before life fully returned was Ianto’s soft smile. “I knew, Jack,” he said gently, “I always knew.”
Far too many years and lifetimes later…
The Face of Boe sighed contentedly. He felt life trickling out of him, and he knew that after millions of wonderful, terrible, glorious, shattering years, he would finally die for good.
He would let one last breath out and take no more in.
The knowledge felt good. After all these years.
Funny. In all that living, his past had shadowed till faces and names and events had blurred like a watercolor in the rain. But here, at the end of his time, he remembered everything, every experience he’d ever had, everyone he’d ever known, every one he’d ever loved.
Every one he’d ever loved.
One glowed like a candle in the dark. The one person who’d taught him that he was worthy of love. That he wasn’t a monster. The one person who saw him for what he was, sins and flaws and all, and still loved him. The one person who showed him that love is worth the pain.
Loving him, and being loved by him, was the best thing that had ever happened. There had been many, many lovers since then, but there might not have been any others if not for that one man.
The Face of Boe closed his eyes and took his last breath.
It was dark. He looked down - whoa, he could look down! - and saw arms, legs, a body. He wasn’t the Face of Boe any more, he was Jack, just Jack. He grinned and loved the feel of muscles moving.
And he was wearing his great coat! He hadn’t worn that since Ianto died. It felt like a part of himself had been returned to him.
The darkness was fading into a soft light. And in that light, Jack saw a figure walking toward him.
“Good to see you, sir,” Ianto said.
“Ianto, you’re here!”
“Told you I’d be,” tartly.
“But it was so long -“
Ianto rolled his eyes. “Do you need a refresher about time not meaning anything here?”
Jack hugged him like he’d never let go, kissed Ianto’s eyes, his cheeks, his lips. “I don’t need a refresher about anything but this,” he whispered through his tears.
Ianto tugged on Jack’s braces till he was folded in Jack’s coat and returned the kiss with equal passion.
Ianto finally broke away, laughing at the disappointment in Jack’s eyes. “We have all the time in the world, Jack. Now come on, I believe I promised you wondrous sights.” He took Jack’s hand. “I’m so glad you still wanted to be with me.”
“Always,” Jack said, “always.”
As they walked, Ianto reached into his pocket. “And look what I still have.”
Jack laughed - he thought he’d be doing a lot of laughing from now on “-the stopwatch?! I thought time had no meaning here?”
Ianto looked at him sideways. “Since when has the stopwatch had anything to do with time, Jack?”
Jack nudged him with his hip. “Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.”
“And we have forever to do all of them.”
They held hands, and walked together in the light.
“… hey, do you still make coffee …?”
“… only for you, Jack. Only for you.”