Smashing Plates (or feeling like it anyway) (GT)
Why am I so angry?
I have not hit, broken or smashed anything (but I was looking for something after he left...came up with a few likely candidates too, but decided that was a little childish and didn't go there). Pretty sure that urge has passed. It's an unusual one for me (one I'd hoped I'd gotten out of my system in my teens), so hopefully it'll be quiet the rest of the weekend.
I have not eaten Alll The Things. Yet. As of this moment, I have healthy stuff in the house I can make, healthy things to snack on, and a basic plan of what I'm making when. I also went to the gym when I first got up this morning while I had wheels available, in the hopes that starting off on a good foot would have momentum (oh yeah, the whole funk started when I woke up cold because he'd gotten up, HOURS before I had the alarm set, and came back to bed 5 minutes before my alarm was due to go off - I reset it for another hour so I could attempt to trick myself into not feeling like I'd just been handed an extra night of sleeping alone so he could flip his schedule for her, when he either can't or complains about doing so for me and family stuff, but I couldn't get back to sleep anyway so I got up after 45 minutes of stewing). But I am also, as of this moment, fighting the urge to order LaRosa's (because pasta - which is my go to comfort food, and delivery). Thinking about it, I had a breakfast shake before I went to the gym, drank coffee while I was prepping for my online midterm this morning, and haven't eaten anything else since (I got up around midnight). SO some of this might be "hangry" talking. I should eat. Soon. Now. Before I cave.
I HAVE been very clear. Last time he takes my car. Period. End of story. Next month, if he's still sitting on his thumbs, I'll happily drive him to and from the Greyhound station. Other than that, he's on his own. THAT problem I can solve. The rest? People do what is important to them (whatever they may SAY, words are cheap). It's time tp prove me wrong, son. Or...well, that's the kicker, isn't it? Or, what exactly? I don't know. I know I'm tired of shielding myself and staying numb to cope. I'm tired of having the same conversation again and again. And goddammit, I deserve better. Thing is, I thought he WAS better. I don't want to let go of that belief quite yet. We're not there yet. But like the Doomsday Clock, time's a-ticking, and eventually reckoning is coming whether we want it or not.
I still believe in us.
But it's getting harder.
And that breaks my heart.
** Edit at 12:48 pm: He texted. I'll stop sobbing in relief any minute now. Hopefully.
*** Edit at 1:37 pm: And I am 100% all better now, not mad, not sad, and ready to enjoy my weekend of having the place to myself. One little text is all it took. See? Simple. *happy sigh*
- Primarily, I'm pissed that he has done NOTHING about the car, Uber, or any of it (still...and he's been unemployed since the first week of October), and had the balls to ask if he could take the car again this weekend (and somehow thought I'd said I'd relented a week or so ago...um no, that conversation was wishful thinking in your head, buddy). I had to bug him EVERY DAY FOR FOUR DAYS until he finally sat down to set up online banking for his shiny new (as of a fricken' month ago) bank account into which I'm dropping $50 per paycheck so he doesn't have to ask me for money (my issue, not his), and he didn't do it until I brought up the goddammed website for him. On Wednesday. And even then was flumoxed, and didn't actually get it done until he went to the bank yesterday (you know, so he had cash for his trip today, because fucking priorities, well okay that and getting a cashier's check for rent because the checks I tried to order online twice still haven't apparently successfully been ordered). And he only did THAT because I had homework to do after working 3 twelve hour shifts in a row and absolutely couldn't go to the bank myself. And dammit, I totally forgot to ask before he left if he'd actually ordered checks while he was there like I asked him to (not seeing a charge for them to the joint account, so I'm betting he dropped that ball).
- He is going the full distance to her place this trip, because she was in the hospital in late December and then ended up with the flu a few weeks ago, and didn't feel fully recovered last weekend (thus the postponement to this weekend, because he was also dealing with a cold). HE, of course, still isn't well yet ("I'm better than I was last weekend," uh huh...you think I didn't hear you sniffling and coughing and complaining about being miserable all week?) Goddammed knight-in-shining-armor complex. Not that anyone ever fucking rescues ME. SO not only is my car leaving the I-275 loop without me AGAIN, but it's going twice the distance. I did mention to him that if he ends up in the hospital himself I'll be PISSED (and on being asked if he'd at least remembered to take vitamins with him - he hadn't - he packed his vitamins while I watched, not that I expect him to remember to take them without me being there to remind him, but he has them anyway).
- It had fallen off my radar until this morning, but this happens to be the same weekend as Winter Wickedness (a kink event in Columbus we went to with the Ex-girlfriend twice, and was the last place we saw said ex-girlfriend when we went the following year after The Breakup). SO, I get to see all my friends posting about their kinky adventures while the mate is off getting his kink on with someone else, and I am stuck home all alone. Because no, there is nothing in that goddammed black bag for me (I don't even know what's in it anymore, haven't seen the inside of it for 3 or 4 years, even with all the "working on it" we're supposedly doing, which still only happens if I ask/remind him that we're supposed to be "working on it" which is EXACTLY WHAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF GARBAGE THAT'S BEEN TOSSED ASIDE, but you know...talking is hard. *rolls eyes*).
- I was HOPING he'd make some kind of comment to the effect he remembered what we'd talked about after the last trip (that you can tell me "I thought of you while I was away" till you're blue in the face, but if you don't take the 30 seconds to get out your phone and text me, I don't believe you). We actually talked about that before he left 2 trips ago, and he DID text occasionally that time, which made things easier. Last trip...radio silence except the expected morning-after-I-got-home-from-work call (and that was just barely, I almost went to bed without hearing from him). Which totally wrecked me, because I'd specifically and intentionally not reminded him to give him a chance to prove he could remember on his own (you know, thus showing I actually matter). Which he totally blew. And admitted and agreed he'd blown it when we talked after he got home (after a few days, I held on to that conversation for later so we wouldn't have yet another "not a fight" on the day he came home). No, when he left 2 hours ago he said "I'll call you when I land." Nothing else. So just like last time, I'm on pins and needles to see if he got the message and actually gives enough of a damn to do that one tiny thing I've asked for to help me cope with his being away, or if he blows it again. And I have very little confidence that I'm not going to be disappointed. VERY little confidence. Like none. More like if he actually texts, I will be ridiculously surprised. Not holding my breath or getting my hopes up, though.
I have not hit, broken or smashed anything (but I was looking for something after he left...came up with a few likely candidates too, but decided that was a little childish and didn't go there). Pretty sure that urge has passed. It's an unusual one for me (one I'd hoped I'd gotten out of my system in my teens), so hopefully it'll be quiet the rest of the weekend.
I have not eaten Alll The Things. Yet. As of this moment, I have healthy stuff in the house I can make, healthy things to snack on, and a basic plan of what I'm making when. I also went to the gym when I first got up this morning while I had wheels available, in the hopes that starting off on a good foot would have momentum (oh yeah, the whole funk started when I woke up cold because he'd gotten up, HOURS before I had the alarm set, and came back to bed 5 minutes before my alarm was due to go off - I reset it for another hour so I could attempt to trick myself into not feeling like I'd just been handed an extra night of sleeping alone so he could flip his schedule for her, when he either can't or complains about doing so for me and family stuff, but I couldn't get back to sleep anyway so I got up after 45 minutes of stewing). But I am also, as of this moment, fighting the urge to order LaRosa's (because pasta - which is my go to comfort food, and delivery). Thinking about it, I had a breakfast shake before I went to the gym, drank coffee while I was prepping for my online midterm this morning, and haven't eaten anything else since (I got up around midnight). SO some of this might be "hangry" talking. I should eat. Soon. Now. Before I cave.
I HAVE been very clear. Last time he takes my car. Period. End of story. Next month, if he's still sitting on his thumbs, I'll happily drive him to and from the Greyhound station. Other than that, he's on his own. THAT problem I can solve. The rest? People do what is important to them (whatever they may SAY, words are cheap). It's time tp prove me wrong, son. Or...well, that's the kicker, isn't it? Or, what exactly? I don't know. I know I'm tired of shielding myself and staying numb to cope. I'm tired of having the same conversation again and again. And goddammit, I deserve better. Thing is, I thought he WAS better. I don't want to let go of that belief quite yet. We're not there yet. But like the Doomsday Clock, time's a-ticking, and eventually reckoning is coming whether we want it or not.
I still believe in us.
But it's getting harder.
And that breaks my heart.
** Edit at 12:48 pm: He texted. I'll stop sobbing in relief any minute now. Hopefully.
*** Edit at 1:37 pm: And I am 100% all better now, not mad, not sad, and ready to enjoy my weekend of having the place to myself. One little text is all it took. See? Simple. *happy sigh*