SUITS - When it's all too much
Title: When it's all too much
Author: msmaddiesciuto
Warning: Self Harm(!)
Word count: 1168
Pairing: Harvey/Mike
Summary: Mike can't handle all the stress. So he goes back to old habits; ones he told Harvey about. But he also told Harvey he stopped. (He lied.)
A/N: Posted as a fill at suits_meme
When it's all too much
Scrolling down the Google results I gave a frustrated groan as I came to the bottom of the page and I still hadn't found what I was looking for. At that point I had read 16 articles that were of no use, and read through 48 Google results pages.
To be fair I should have given up after page 3 seeing as it was pretty much an unwritten law that if it wasn't in the first page, second page or third page, it just wasn't there at all and you were fucked. But on the off chance that there would, I had to.
Harvey probably wouldn't accept my argument about the unwritten Google law and would chew me out and ignore me for a good while.
Not that would be any different from any other day of this week or the one before. We'd just gotten a new high profile client and even though we would make a lot of money from the deal it seemed the client had a few problems with the law and was slowly dragging the company down with him. Harvey hadn't been pleased and had been me run back and forth while jumping up and down, trying to zig when I should have zagged.
And I miss him.
Work Harvey and my Harvey were two different people. And I hadn't seen a glimpse of my Harvey in two weeks now and I didn't actually think you could miss someone when you spend every day together.
It wasn't just his fault though. I have been avoiding him to. Avoided going home, back to his place. Or even have dinner with him. Because I couldn't actually look him in the eyes anymore. I had broken my promise to him. Then I lied about it to him.
I had thought about telling him. Of course I had. I didn't actually want this lie to be between us. And I knew he'd find out at some point. And I wanted him to, it's just seems easier or what ever you'd like to call it, if I didn't actually have to actually tell him myself.
It's all a bit screwed up.
Staring at the laptop screen I realised just how much that dark cloud had grown inside me and spread all over. It’s such a paralyzing feeling. It makes my breath slow down. My arms and legs feel like they weigh a tonne each. I watched the minutes slowly go by as I just couldn’t seem to move.
I could hear my pulse beating loudly in my head. And all I wanted to do was close my eyes, curl up and sleep. Make everything go away.
But I had no time for sleep.
As the laptop screen went black from being left idle for so long I snapped out of my trance and stood. Walking over to the kitchen, I grabbed a box from the windowsill. Sitting back down on the sofa I opened the box. Pushing away the random junk I’d put in it I took the razor blade out and stared at it as I turned it around in my fingers.
I’d just do it once or twice.
Just to get the worst of the pressure off. So I could focus again.
Pulling down my sweatpants slightly I looked at the scars and cuts I had previously done. Pushing the blade against the skin I bit my lip as I felt it break and made a small cut across my thigh. It wasn’t a deep one and a small line of blood seeped up. Moving the blade, I pressed it down again and dragged it across. It was deeper this time and drops of blood started running down the side of thigh.
Throwing the blade on to the table I grabbed some paper and wiped away the drops before they reached the sofa and would make stains.
Glancing up and looking at the reflection of myself in the TV I saw the wry, satisfied smile on my face and shook my head.
Feeling lighter I pulled up my pants and threw myself into the papers in front of me. Finally finding something useful I cheered quietly and highlighted the paragraph and put a post it note and the top of the paper before reading through the rest of the documents. Coming to the last one I was satisfied I’d found something to help Harvey and put the papers in order.
It had worked.
Turning off the lights I wandered into the bedroom and fell asleep without a second thought.
--
I had only time to put my bag down by my desk when Harvey strode by and gestured for me to follow when I arrived at the firm. Sighing quietly I got up and sprinted after him into his office.
“You found something I could use?” He snapped and sat down in his chair. Rolling my eyes I dug up the papers from my bag and handed them over.
“Of course. I found three things actually” I replied and watched for a reaction but there was nothing. He just started reading everything over. Sitting down on the sofa in his office I rested my hands on my stomach, leaned back and stared at the ceiling as I waited for him to finish. For once I didn’t actually have anything to do and I was going to relish in the small break I would have until Harvey and Louis dumped a tall stack of briefs or witness statements for me to go over.
“Donna, I’m going to need you to move all my meetings for today” Harvey said in a voice I’d never heard him use before. Looking over at him I noted he was looking a bit pale and shaky.
“Harvey, what’s wrong?” I asked concerned and stood up.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Harvey said and looked up at me. I looked confused back and watched as walked towards me and showed me one of the documents. I paled as I saw that there were some drops of blood on it. And I would have explained it away if it hadn’t also been for the partial outline of the razor blade I’d used last night.
Dropping my eyes I opened my mouth to talk but couldn’t find the right words so I just closed it again. Harvey stepped away and I heard him close the office door and push the button that would close the curtains over his glass walls.
“I’m okay Harvey” I said quietly and tried to smile. His hand grasped my face gently and tilted it up so I would look into his eyes.
“No you’re not” He replied sadly and pulled me into a tight hug. I stood there stiffly as I tried to process everything.
“But you will be” Harvey murmured and hugged me tighter. Putting my arms around him I rested my head against his shoulder.
Maybe I would be.