My Crappy Slacker Game Day Reports
Maya’s really lazy slacker game day report #2
Okay, I'll admit. I'm a bum; however, I am a bum with a really good excuse. I was sick. Richard says it was spina bifida which migrated from my spine to my extremities, thus making it hard to write. Somehow I doubt this.
Anyways, on to the report . . .
The Gators played Miami this past Saturday. Neither team (nor the 90,000 lazy-ass fans) really did anything for the majority of the game. The Gators scored in the opening drive and then *BOOM*---nothing for until the fourth quarter. Luckily, Miami was busy also doing a whole lot of nothing, so it worked out for everyone. The Gators finally managed to get all their ducks in a row, which is what I suspect they did for the first three quarters of the game, as they actually had to go get the ducks to do this. Duck herding, I presume, takes a while--approximately three quarters of a game including half-time.
Wait! That reminds me . . . It's time for Maya's Non-Football Related Half-time Report!
I watched House. He cured sick people. That show is freaking awesome!!
Now, back to the game report.
Long story short, the Gators scored a bunch of touchdowns at the very end of the game, earning them a respectable number of points. On the other hand, Miami woke up, looked at the scoreboard, then curled into small balls on the sidelines and cried themselves back to to sleep like the little, sissy, emo boys they are.
This just in: Richard has just informed me that Miami's head coach is being a wanker about the field goal that the Gators got at the end of the game. He is apparently upset about losing and said that we did it to run up the score and look better to all the potential recruits.
Well . . . duuuuuuuuh!!!
Seriously though, what game was he at? Yeah, they could have kneeled, but they also could have went for the touchdown, which would have made me a very happy camper. He's just pissed off because his team couldn't get their shit together. Perhaps if only someone had gone to look for the poor lost duckies . . .
I feel dirty saying this, but I seriously hope FSU massacres them. God, I want FSU to win a game??? What is the world coming to?
FINAL SCORE: 26-3 FLORIDA
NEXT WEEK: FLORIDA @ TENNESSEE
Maya’s Crappy Game Day Report #3
Welcome all to yet another crappy game day report brought to you by Me.
Me: The I who's me---not the I who's you.
Did you know that this thing has a category for sports? It's amazing! It's my wondrous, world-changing discovery of the day. Anyway, I digress.
First, I shall start with my first NFL report ever and pass my condolences to my buddy Dana, whose beloved Philadelphia Eagles unfortunately did not beat the ever-loving crap out of Dallas last week. And I was really looking forward to giving Scott (Gainesville JCP's store manager) an endless amount of grief on her behalf, seeings that she is no longer down here to do it herself. Sorry, Dana. )-: There's always next time. Good luck with your house-divided game this afternoon!
Now, on to the really important stuff . . .
Yesterday appeared to be a lovely day in Knoxville, TN. I know my comfy red couch was still comfy. One hundred and six thousand, one hundred thirty-one Vols and Gators alike were in attendance, so the weather must have been nice.
First Quarter:
I had planned to watch the first five minutes of the game; however, I was busy watching Jeff Goldblum and Sam Neill get attacked by a T-Rex and this took temporary precedence over the game, but only until the commercial break. I comveniently tuned in just in time to watch Tebow throw a TD pass to Aaron Hernandez (No. 81). It turns out I missed an interception by our wonderful defensive line. Yay, us! (Score: 7-0 FL)
Then, the Vols got the ball and forgot to hold onto it, resulting in a turnover recovered by No. 28 (I'm not sure who this is and am too lazy to look it up, but I know he's not Major Wright and he did a good job). The Gators then proceeded to kick a 39-yd. field goal. Yay us again! (Score: 10-0 FL)
Did you know that Brandon James is freaking awesome? He is. He had a 78-yd punt return that resulted in yet another TD for Florida. You can't do that if you're not awesome.
Score at the end of the quarter: 17-0 FL. At this point, I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with UT.
Second Quarter:
It became painfully obvious that the Vols' problem thus far was caused by a severe lack of medics who knew the psychological Heimlich because all Tennessee seemed able to do was choke in their own red zone. After a 14-play, 8:36 possession, UT fumbled at their own 2. The poor little lost ball was recovered by the Gators, which resulted in a drive ending in a 36-yd. field goal. Later, towards the end of the quarter, on their 1, UT's QB threw an interception, caught by Major Wright (No. 29). (Score: 20-0 FL)
"Choke" must be spelled "T-E-N-N-E-S-S-E-E."
It was also apparent that an opthamologist was needed for the refs. An offsides penalty was assessed to Florida, when it was totally obvious that the only person that moved was wearing an orange jersey. Then, they called pass interference on the Gators, even though the ball had flown well past the intended receiver before he was tackled.
Score at the end of the 2nd: 20-0 FL
Maya's Almost Completely Football-Unrelated Halftime Report:
'Bama won! Yay! Roll Tide, roll!!
By this point, Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern and Sir Richard Attenborough had long since escaped all the scary dinosaurs. Luckily, Cap'n Jack was sailing into Port Royale to partake in a bit o' pillagin' an' plunderin'.
Third Quarter:
The Gators got another touchdown---a 15 yd. pass fom Tebow to Percy Harvin (No. 1). Yay!
Tennessee came ever so close to getting a touchdown. Very, very, veeerrrrryyyy close. 3/4-yd. line close. But then . . . guess what happened? I bet you can't (unless you watched the game. If you did, don't tell the other people what happened).
So, any guesses? Anyone? I'll give you a hint. It starts with "c."
So, do you know yet?
Do you?
Really?
Okay, here's the answer: Clock ran out.
Be honest. How many of you thought they choked again?
Anyways, the score is . . . 27-0 FL (still).
Fourth Quarter:
The Vols FINALLY made it to the checkerboard, taking the score to 27-6. They went for a 2-pt. conversion, but alas, it was not to be. Later, the Gators got another field goal, taking the score to 30-6.
If you couldn't tell, the game was getting a little boring at this point. However, Tebow was there to save the day again. First, after a time-out during which he and Urban Meyer discussed the meaning of life, he tried to run away with Meyer's headset. Richard's analysis: Meyer was "bemused." Then, Tebow crashed into a cameraman, but it's okay---they're still cool.
Also, one of the CBS announcers was ready to throw down with Florida's offensive coordinator for not changing out QBs.
In the last minute of the game, Florida did a lot of what can only be described as weird, goofy and confusing stuff in order to run down the clock.
FINAL SCORE: 30-6 FLORIDA
NEXT WEEK: BACK AT THE SWAMP VS. OLE MISS