Venting
Well, just a few words, I guess -
So, I dislike so much the fact that I can't get over relationships easily. I'm still not over my original love (but I'm told that's normal), it took me months to get over Ben and is still very hard since I sing with him every Sunday, and now the trend just continues with Jeff. The explanation of "I don't have time" just doesn't seem to sit right, especially for a person who seemed so right. That's what makes this even harder to get over...he is AMAZING: giving of self, shares so much of his life with others...we spent so many nights together, watched lots of movies and Will & Grace, he even made me dinner twice. He would call me between classes and going to and from work....it was all SO, SO sweet. Then, one day all of that just halted...like out of thin air, no more talking, no more calls, no more seeing each other, no more of anything practically. I finally get ahold of him, and he says he doesn't have time for a relationship. I'm boggled by this. I mean, if I'm having a hard time, I find that the opportune time to have a relationship and someone to share those difficulties with. He says he's not like that. idk...
And because when I go through a relationship, especially one that seems so right, I tend to become extremely attached to a person, I don't like to let them go, so then I become obsessive compulsive. I've been reading journals and away messages every day and sometimes two or three times within a short time period when I know it won't change, but I still hope. He says he still wants to be friends and stuff, yet I haven't heard from him but the two times that we talked online and the one time he brought me to get some medicine (which was really, really awkward for me). idk what to think....his journal says he has a crush right now....apparently he's moved on from us and what little time we had, but as hard as I try, I can't move away...
What doesn't help the situation is that I have so many people telling me how I should control my intimate or love life...if you want to say it is one that I really have. I don't believe that in talking with any person, they can get to know the real you, the insides and outs, especially if they only talk for a short while. Knowing and loving a person really takes time. I really want to get to know these people and love them, but that's hard when our conversations (not one person in particular either) are them directing me how to live and me just agreeing with them in a way to get them off my back. Some of what they have to say is very direct and very true, but when it turns from teach a lesson to bash and try to rule, there's a problem.
Yes, I have much to learn. Yes, I do make mistakes and do things outright wrong sometimes. But, for Pete's sake, I'm a sinner, and I'm learning from those experiences. I'm not holding them and benefitting for myself only to neglect others. I'm not like that. I've made a mistake...that's all. I AM hurting from it and every mistake I've made.
Hell, I've made plenty of mistakes in the past few months, none of which should have ever happened, but I AM learning from them and working through them. I've made relationships and gone too far in them, and I apologize to all those people for being the kind of person I was and have been since then, but I truly believe that I've tried to keep a relationship based on what we had and STILL HAVE. Hopefully, since my mistakes, you've grown to see the real me and not just the hormone-driven crazed person that I am sometimes, as I know we all are. It may be wrong of me, and I fight myself...beat myself up about it all the time...I don't need others to do that for me.
Well everyone, school is getting better. I have to admit that not having places to go really gives me time to do work, but I'd much rather going out. HW is non-stop (3 classes require HW by Tuesday after assigning it on Friday...ick!), quizzes are horrible, and the next three weeks are filled with tests...Wonderful stuff, really! All it ever seems like I'm doing is working, whether it's for school or for work or for extracurricular. I really need to get out and just let loose. Midterm grades: 4 B's, 2 A's...as long as I can get that up to 3 & 3 by the end of the semester, I'll be happy.
So work has been so hectic. Boo buddies is so cool; I hope we do Secret Santa, even though we're only here for two weeks of December. I really need to relax from all this work. I'm doing overload programming, and I'm going consider this my try everything and see what works so I can use it again next year semester. Never again will I do 5 programs per month...ay yi yi yi!
Lively Arts is such a cool committee! International seems great too (I went to a meeting to invite them to present at a Laville program)! UPC is just the greatest collection of clubs, I think.
CTK Choir would be my only other venture right now, since Retreat Team kinda died with my lack of meeting attendance (this year, meetings are scheduled when I work the desk, sooooo...); yeah, my lack of motivation by not attending meetings is definitely a factor in my not attending the retreats themselves. I'll have to mention that to the coordinator when evaluations come around.
Yeah, so the whole social thing seems to be dying before my eyes. I really wish it wouldn't. SPLASH is so much fun; haven't been there since before school started. Jordan and Xavier left, so I don't have my normal, everyday stress-relief, hang-out with group here, and that makes for a rough time. I love my Laville friends, residents, and staff, I really do, but I don't hang out with them like I did with Jordan and Xavier, and no matter how open anyone can be of diversity and lifestyle, I still don't find myself making such a connection with someone that I can go out and be myself. Weird how I've known some of these people for a year and a half now, and I still can't be myself around them, when on retreats, I can be myself within the first hour.....I heart my retreat people and miss them so much.
The thought of death has creeped up a bit lately, especially with my great grandmother's funeral this past weekend. It's so hard to comprehend, especially when there are so many things to believe. I believe in God, I believe in faith, I believe in Heaven. But when trying to think about before birth and after death, my mind wallows in that abyss of nothingness, but desiring to know about the eternal somethingness. Yeah, that made no sense, but I'm never going to be able to get that kind of thing out of my mind...I'm always trying to solve a problem, even if there's no feasible way to do so.
I made my next payment for WYD 2005, so I'm now out another $550, but it will be worth it! I also went to the WDW College Program interview last night, and am awaiting my packet. I really want to audition for a character role, but the only audition I can even remotely make is this coming Thursday in Orlando. If I screw up and go and don't get back by 7am on Friday, I miss a quiz and test for EE and screw up my entire semester. :::bites nails::: Should I do it!?!? AHHH!!!
Well, I guess that's enough for now. Just a really "blah" moment, I guess. I hope to see and talk to a lot of you soon!!!
Much love...
PJ