A Life of Little Note
This unfinished memoir is one of the few surviving artifacts from House Refa. The estate was destroyed in the final days of the Centauri/Alliance War. This entry was made only weeks before the Narn/Drazi attack that would kill millions of Centauri and led to a negotiated ceasefire.
What am I doing here? The question has become a constant reminder in my brain these past few months. I am a member of one of the high noble houses on Centauri Prime. My family still has great influence in the Royal Court. I should be able to at least get some position in the government.
I have explored every inch of the estate, climbed several mountains, and sailed with my best friends, but this uneasilyness continues to remain inside. It is like an itch that I couldn't reach or find. I kept telling myself that I was doing something constructive: I was writing my memories on my time in the Centaurum, I was raising my daughter Senna, I was taking care of the family's business.......
Why am I here?
No, I am sitting on my family's estate doing nothing. It has been months since I attended a meeting of the Centaurum. I remember enjoying every session from beginning to final adjournment. While other Senators despised the backroom dealing and trench fighting, I was in my element wheeling and dealing in every way possible. During that time, I learned the way of politics and it was there that I first started to feel that I had a destiny. Not to just be a mere Senator or lord of my House but something greater
What am I doing here!?
My dream came to me after I had attended the Royal Court on day. I had attended several ceremonies at the Royal Court as a child, but this one was different. I saw this old man sitting on the throne of the Republic as the representative of the Centauri people......and I was disgusted. This was what we had sunk to! I would not rest until I was the one sitting on that throne and wearing that white robe.
Why am I here......my pride. I couldn't stand having to depend on someone else for help. When Mr. Morden offered me the help I arrogantly refused, I would never depend on anyone to achieve my goals. It would have been cheating to even consider taking the easy path. No, I would achieve my destiny by my own skills and no one else's!
He politely left my office and I never gave him a single thought......at the time.
Later, I would realize what a mistake that I had made. But at that time, it seemed that everything was going my way. Emperor Turhan still held the throne, but his support was waning. His policies of retreat and surrender were allowing the Narn to roll over the Republic. If Turhan had had his way, he would given up the entire empire just to appease the Narn!
I was slowly gathering allies to oppose the Emperor when the time was right. My spies told me that the Emperor's health was growing worse. The old man wasn't going to live forever and his son would have a hard time convincing the other nobles to continue the "glorious" legacy of his father. Several nobles were already whispering that the Republic would not survive another scion of House Turhan on the throne.
Ironically, fate intervened at the best possible moment. The Emperor's son had died in a boating accident leaving the Emperor with no clear heir to the throne. The Great Maker could not have done a better service. Now, the Emperor was even more vulnerable than before......I finally had the old man on the run. Even though his son and I had been friends at one time, I would not let this alter my course.
Then, the incident in Quadrant 37 was resolved effectively by Londo Mollari. Here was someone that had access to a powerful strike force that would be useful to my plans. I decided to approach him and offer an alliance against Turhan. He seemed eager to participate, but he informed me of another Centauri nobleman that had approached him already and Londo had agreed to work with him.....Lord Yanosh Varga.
Varga! He had been a part of my circle for some time, but I didn't know that he was building his own base of support. I would have to put a stop to this sillyness immediately. There would only be one leader of this faction and it would not be Varga.
I returned to Centauri Prime and discovered that Varga had been very busy. Somehow he had hobbled together a sizeable group of supporters......it was mystery how he could have developed such a large powerbase in such a short time. It had taken me over a year to build my own coalition. How could Varga have done it without drawing my attention?
Varga claimed that he was only helping me and had no desire to elevate himself as leader. His meeting with Mollari had been a natural step. He was going to inform me; he just had been busy. I heard the reasons, but I didn't buy them for a minute. Varga was trying supplant me, but I would not let this happen.
Unfortunately, as the weeks passed my supporters started leaning more towards Varga. More and more meetings were held at his estates and soon supporters were taking orders and advice from him not me! The situation was beginning to become intolerable when it was announced that Turhan would make a visit to Babylon 5. I knew that I had to be there and made sure that Varga wouldn't stop me.
Strangely, he didn't oppose my trip to Babylon 5. Did he somehow know in advance what would happen? Nonetheles, I went to the station giving Mollari the prepared speech that would be Turhan's undoing and culmination of my efforts; however, the Emperor collapsed and almost ruined my plans for seizing the Republic. Fortunately, Mollari's strike force proved the saving grace and gave us the military victory needed to cowl Turhan's allies and to seize the government.
I returned to the Centauri Prime believing that my forces were in charge only to discover the exact opposite. While my men had killed Mallachi and arrested other Turhan allies, it had been Varga pulling the strings all along. He had been in contact with Cartagia the whole time and it was Varga that would be the Emperor's new Prime Minister.
Furious doesn't even describe what I felt......I wanted to slice the man's head off and present it to Cartagia and Mollari as a warning never to cross me. I arrived at the Royal Palace ready to confront him when I ran into someone compeltely unexpectedly.....Mr. Morden! He was leaving the Prime Minister's office as I was arriving. He only took a second to just smile in amusement at me and walk away.
I stormed into Varga's office demanding to know what was going. He told me to calm myself that Mr. Morden was a close friend and that had provided assistance to Varga during the coup. I didn't hear the rest of Varga's explanation I was lost in my memories. The incident in my office and telling Morden that I didn't need him; I realized just how badly I had messed up. All because of my foolish pride!
The rest is a tale of a downward spiral. After the Narn victory, I was posted to the Narn homeworld as Governor. My allies had deserted me for Varga and Mollari did not return my calls. Emperor Cartagia wanted nothing to do with me.....after all he owed his position to Varga not me.
When I learned of a quarrel between Varga and Mollari, I saw my chance. I decided to side with Varga and help him capture the fugitive G'Kar. When Varga was found dead and his "connection" to the Narn resistance discovered, I knew that I had backed the wrong drome. I kept my profile low hoping to avoid the retribution from Mollari's circle, but amazingly Mollari didn't seem to care.
When Emperor Cartagia arrived for the execution of the Narn rebel G'Kar, I though fate had granted me another chance. I spent the entire three days preparing everything for his arrival wanting to ingratiate myself to the Emperor and hopefully regain my position within the Royal Court. When I finally met the Emperor, I realized that again I had backed the wrong drome. The man was stark raving mad! What in the name of the Great Maker had I done to deserve this!?
Despite all these problems, I attended the public execution of the Narn rebel when he remarkably broke free of his chains and started a riot. In the confusion, the Emperor died mysteriously although no one seemed very concerned since he was mad. Mollari became Prime Minister and "saved" the planet from the Vorlons, but he neglected to mention that he completely withdrew from our previous conquests.
After returning the Republic to its previous state before Turhan's death, he ran back to hide on his space station and left his lackey, Regent Verano in charge. I had hoped that Mollari had forgotten my previous involvment with Lord Varga, but it was a fool's hope. No contacts were returned and the Regent refused to see me probably on the orders of Mollari.
After the Narn withdraw, my governorship was effectively terminated. I still had my position in the Centaurum and head of House Refa, but that meant nothing to me now. I was excluded from the Royal Court and the other lords shunned me for previous decisions. In despair, I finally gave up and moved to our country estate on Xon.
Why am I here?
I have so many answers, but I cannot find one that pleases me or my ego. I had so many dreams and look what has become of them. I was to achieve greatness and make House Refa a great force in the Republic. What had I done to accomplish it? Turned everyone against me and become an outcast. I don't even have the ability to enter the Royal Palace anymore.
At least my wife and daughter Senna have stood by me. Despite all that has happened, they have never left my side. It is strange.....I never knew that my wife and daughter cared so much for me until I was no longer a part of the Centaurum or Royal Court. It was as if I was so focused on the one goal that I was blind to everything else. Maybe I had been pursuing the wrong goal for my life......maybe the best thing had been right in front of me.
NO! There is still so much left to do. The Republic is at war again and I will find a way to restore my fortunes. I managed to bring House Refa back from the brink once and I can do it again. My destiny will not keep me from achieving the reward that I deserve!
I have been waiting to hear from the Royal Court. Strangely, there has been no response from the Regent except for his annoying Minister of Protocol. I am the head of House Refa but I don't know what to do. The Regent doesn't want me, the Royal Court doesn't want me, Mollari doesn't want me, does the Great Maker even want me?
Sigh, the dinner bell is ringing. My chief has hopefully prepared a delicious meal. At least, he doesn't hate me. Maybe, a nice meal and some glasses.....no a few bottles of Brevari will clear my head and make me forget that horrible question that still plagues me.
What am I doing here? The question has become a constant reminder in my brain these past few months. I am a member of one of the high noble houses on Centauri Prime. My family still has great influence in the Royal Court. I should be able to at least get some position in the government.
I have explored every inch of the estate, climbed several mountains, and sailed with my best friends, but this uneasilyness continues to remain inside. It is like an itch that I couldn't reach or find. I kept telling myself that I was doing something constructive: I was writing my memories on my time in the Centaurum, I was raising my daughter Senna, I was taking care of the family's business.......
Why am I here?
No, I am sitting on my family's estate doing nothing. It has been months since I attended a meeting of the Centaurum. I remember enjoying every session from beginning to final adjournment. While other Senators despised the backroom dealing and trench fighting, I was in my element wheeling and dealing in every way possible. During that time, I learned the way of politics and it was there that I first started to feel that I had a destiny. Not to just be a mere Senator or lord of my House but something greater
What am I doing here!?
My dream came to me after I had attended the Royal Court on day. I had attended several ceremonies at the Royal Court as a child, but this one was different. I saw this old man sitting on the throne of the Republic as the representative of the Centauri people......and I was disgusted. This was what we had sunk to! I would not rest until I was the one sitting on that throne and wearing that white robe.
Why am I here......my pride. I couldn't stand having to depend on someone else for help. When Mr. Morden offered me the help I arrogantly refused, I would never depend on anyone to achieve my goals. It would have been cheating to even consider taking the easy path. No, I would achieve my destiny by my own skills and no one else's!
He politely left my office and I never gave him a single thought......at the time.
Later, I would realize what a mistake that I had made. But at that time, it seemed that everything was going my way. Emperor Turhan still held the throne, but his support was waning. His policies of retreat and surrender were allowing the Narn to roll over the Republic. If Turhan had had his way, he would given up the entire empire just to appease the Narn!
I was slowly gathering allies to oppose the Emperor when the time was right. My spies told me that the Emperor's health was growing worse. The old man wasn't going to live forever and his son would have a hard time convincing the other nobles to continue the "glorious" legacy of his father. Several nobles were already whispering that the Republic would not survive another scion of House Turhan on the throne.
Ironically, fate intervened at the best possible moment. The Emperor's son had died in a boating accident leaving the Emperor with no clear heir to the throne. The Great Maker could not have done a better service. Now, the Emperor was even more vulnerable than before......I finally had the old man on the run. Even though his son and I had been friends at one time, I would not let this alter my course.
Then, the incident in Quadrant 37 was resolved effectively by Londo Mollari. Here was someone that had access to a powerful strike force that would be useful to my plans. I decided to approach him and offer an alliance against Turhan. He seemed eager to participate, but he informed me of another Centauri nobleman that had approached him already and Londo had agreed to work with him.....Lord Yanosh Varga.
Varga! He had been a part of my circle for some time, but I didn't know that he was building his own base of support. I would have to put a stop to this sillyness immediately. There would only be one leader of this faction and it would not be Varga.
I returned to Centauri Prime and discovered that Varga had been very busy. Somehow he had hobbled together a sizeable group of supporters......it was mystery how he could have developed such a large powerbase in such a short time. It had taken me over a year to build my own coalition. How could Varga have done it without drawing my attention?
Varga claimed that he was only helping me and had no desire to elevate himself as leader. His meeting with Mollari had been a natural step. He was going to inform me; he just had been busy. I heard the reasons, but I didn't buy them for a minute. Varga was trying supplant me, but I would not let this happen.
Unfortunately, as the weeks passed my supporters started leaning more towards Varga. More and more meetings were held at his estates and soon supporters were taking orders and advice from him not me! The situation was beginning to become intolerable when it was announced that Turhan would make a visit to Babylon 5. I knew that I had to be there and made sure that Varga wouldn't stop me.
Strangely, he didn't oppose my trip to Babylon 5. Did he somehow know in advance what would happen? Nonetheles, I went to the station giving Mollari the prepared speech that would be Turhan's undoing and culmination of my efforts; however, the Emperor collapsed and almost ruined my plans for seizing the Republic. Fortunately, Mollari's strike force proved the saving grace and gave us the military victory needed to cowl Turhan's allies and to seize the government.
I returned to the Centauri Prime believing that my forces were in charge only to discover the exact opposite. While my men had killed Mallachi and arrested other Turhan allies, it had been Varga pulling the strings all along. He had been in contact with Cartagia the whole time and it was Varga that would be the Emperor's new Prime Minister.
Furious doesn't even describe what I felt......I wanted to slice the man's head off and present it to Cartagia and Mollari as a warning never to cross me. I arrived at the Royal Palace ready to confront him when I ran into someone compeltely unexpectedly.....Mr. Morden! He was leaving the Prime Minister's office as I was arriving. He only took a second to just smile in amusement at me and walk away.
I stormed into Varga's office demanding to know what was going. He told me to calm myself that Mr. Morden was a close friend and that had provided assistance to Varga during the coup. I didn't hear the rest of Varga's explanation I was lost in my memories. The incident in my office and telling Morden that I didn't need him; I realized just how badly I had messed up. All because of my foolish pride!
The rest is a tale of a downward spiral. After the Narn victory, I was posted to the Narn homeworld as Governor. My allies had deserted me for Varga and Mollari did not return my calls. Emperor Cartagia wanted nothing to do with me.....after all he owed his position to Varga not me.
When I learned of a quarrel between Varga and Mollari, I saw my chance. I decided to side with Varga and help him capture the fugitive G'Kar. When Varga was found dead and his "connection" to the Narn resistance discovered, I knew that I had backed the wrong drome. I kept my profile low hoping to avoid the retribution from Mollari's circle, but amazingly Mollari didn't seem to care.
When Emperor Cartagia arrived for the execution of the Narn rebel G'Kar, I though fate had granted me another chance. I spent the entire three days preparing everything for his arrival wanting to ingratiate myself to the Emperor and hopefully regain my position within the Royal Court. When I finally met the Emperor, I realized that again I had backed the wrong drome. The man was stark raving mad! What in the name of the Great Maker had I done to deserve this!?
Despite all these problems, I attended the public execution of the Narn rebel when he remarkably broke free of his chains and started a riot. In the confusion, the Emperor died mysteriously although no one seemed very concerned since he was mad. Mollari became Prime Minister and "saved" the planet from the Vorlons, but he neglected to mention that he completely withdrew from our previous conquests.
After returning the Republic to its previous state before Turhan's death, he ran back to hide on his space station and left his lackey, Regent Verano in charge. I had hoped that Mollari had forgotten my previous involvment with Lord Varga, but it was a fool's hope. No contacts were returned and the Regent refused to see me probably on the orders of Mollari.
After the Narn withdraw, my governorship was effectively terminated. I still had my position in the Centaurum and head of House Refa, but that meant nothing to me now. I was excluded from the Royal Court and the other lords shunned me for previous decisions. In despair, I finally gave up and moved to our country estate on Xon.
Why am I here?
I have so many answers, but I cannot find one that pleases me or my ego. I had so many dreams and look what has become of them. I was to achieve greatness and make House Refa a great force in the Republic. What had I done to accomplish it? Turned everyone against me and become an outcast. I don't even have the ability to enter the Royal Palace anymore.
At least my wife and daughter Senna have stood by me. Despite all that has happened, they have never left my side. It is strange.....I never knew that my wife and daughter cared so much for me until I was no longer a part of the Centaurum or Royal Court. It was as if I was so focused on the one goal that I was blind to everything else. Maybe I had been pursuing the wrong goal for my life......maybe the best thing had been right in front of me.
NO! There is still so much left to do. The Republic is at war again and I will find a way to restore my fortunes. I managed to bring House Refa back from the brink once and I can do it again. My destiny will not keep me from achieving the reward that I deserve!
I have been waiting to hear from the Royal Court. Strangely, there has been no response from the Regent except for his annoying Minister of Protocol. I am the head of House Refa but I don't know what to do. The Regent doesn't want me, the Royal Court doesn't want me, Mollari doesn't want me, does the Great Maker even want me?
Sigh, the dinner bell is ringing. My chief has hopefully prepared a delicious meal. At least, he doesn't hate me. Maybe, a nice meal and some glasses.....no a few bottles of Brevari will clear my head and make me forget that horrible question that still plagues me.