Fuck this for a lark then, lets piss off.
The Skinhead Hamlet
Shakespeare's play translated into modern English.
ACT I
SCENE I
The Battlements of Elsinore Castle.
[Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.]
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was fucked!
[Exit GHOST.]
HAMLET: O Fuck.
[Exit HAMLET.]
SCENE II
The Throneroom.
[Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.]
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?
[Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.]
HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
[Enter HORATIO.]
HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock!
HAMLET: Weeeeey!
[Exeunt.]
SCENE III
Ophelia's Bedroom.
[Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.]
LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE IV
The Battlements.
[Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.]
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!
HAMLET: Fuck me!
[Exeunt.]
ACT II
SCENE I
A corridor in the castle.
[Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.]
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
[Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.]
ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
[Exit ROS & GUILD.]
HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
[Enter OPHELIA.]
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
[They exit in different directions.]
ACT III
SCENE I
The Throne Room.
[Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.]
I PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II
Gertrude's Bedchamber.
[Enter GERTRUDE and POLONIUS, who hides behind an arras.]
[Enter HAMLET.]
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
[He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.]
POLONIUS: Fuck!
[POLONIUS dies.]
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
[Exeunt.]
ACT IV
SCENE I
A Court Room.
[Enter HAMLET, CLAUDIUS.]
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE II
The Throne Room.
[Enter OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.]
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
[She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.]
CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window.) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE III
A Corridor.
[Enter LAERTES.]
LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
[Enter CLAUDIUS.]
CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, fuck him.
[Exeunt.]
ACT V
SCENE I
Hamlet's I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II
Large Hall.
[Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.]
LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let's get on with it.
HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
[They fight and both are poisoned by the Bedchamber.
[Enter HAMLET and HORATIO.]
HAMLET: I got this feeling poisoned sword.]
LAERTES: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck!
[The QUEEN drinks.]
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
[GERTRUDE dies.]
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat) Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
[CLAUDIUS dies.]
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
[LAERTES dies.]
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
[HAMLET dies.]
HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
[Enter FORTINBRAS.]
FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here?
HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.
HORATIO: Too fucking right.
FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
[Exeunt with alarums.]
Enter at yer own risk.