Best dialogue EVAR.
So all of us here at The Muggles And Lyle Comedy Hour! know that all the best lines on Heroes are said by Lyle. Well, now they're all compiled in one place! (Season one anyway. I'll do season two once all the transcripts are up.)
1.01 - “Genesis”
LYLE BENNET: He still humps my leg when I watch TV.
LYLE BENNET: Doug and I saw this Mexican guy. A homeless dude. On the way to school. We thought he was dead, but he wasn't.
LYLE BENNET: I thought Dad was coming home today.
LYLE BENNET: Just in time to read my report card.
LYLE BENNET: What the hell is that supposed to mean? God, you’re so crazy sometimes.
1.04 - “Collision”
LYLE: Mom said to tell you the waffles are ready.
1.07 - “Nothing To Hide”
SANDRA BENNET: Well, he will listen to you today because he knows what a big day it is for Mr. Muggles. Thank you. And he doesn't want to stress us out. Whew, does he?
LYLE BENNET: Sure.
LYLE BENNET: That was all special effects?
LYLE BENNET: (shouts) Help! Somebody help me! My sister's a freak!
LYLE BENNET: I'm gonna put this thing on YouTube. Make, like, a million bucks.
ZACH: YouTube's free, you idiot.
CLAIRE: (to Zach) You're not helping. Lyle, no one can see what's on that tape.
LYLE BENNET: Are you an alien or something? Is he an alien too?
ZACH: Yeah, yeah. We're gonna - (deep, raspy voice) We're gonna anal probe you!
CLAIRE: Zach! Stop scaring him.
LYLE BENNET: I'm not coming out until Mom and Dad get home.
CLAIRE: No, no, no. You cannot tell them. Lyle, please. They cannot find out about this.
LYLE BENNET: Why not?
CLAIRE: Don't you get it? If they found out, Mom and Dad would think it was a mistake to ever adopt me. We wouldn't be a family anymore. Please.
(Lyle rolls down the window and gives Claire the tape.)
CLAIRE: Thank you.
LYLE BENNET: Whatever.
1.11 - “Fallout”
LYLE: Mom's at the store. I don't know where Dad is.
CLAIRE: Did Dad talk to you?
LYLE: About what?
CLAIRE: About me. He knows. And he knows that you know.
(Lyle shakes his head. He has no clue what she’s talking about.)
CLAIRE: My thing. That I can't get hurt.
(Lyle smirks. He reaches out and punches Claire on her arm.)
LYLE: That didn't hurt?
CLAIRE: Lyle, I'm serious. Now tell me what Dad said to you.
LYLE: I haven't seen Dad all day.
CLAIRE: He was supposed to pick you up from practice.
LYLE: Well, he didn't.
CLAIRE: Well, how'd you get home?
(Lyle is silent. His eye shift from side to side. It’s apparent that he can’t remember.)
CLAIRE: Lyle. How did you get home?
LYLE: I-I don't remember.
1.16 - “Unexpected”
CLAIRE: Where's Dad?
LYLE: He's on one of his stupid business trips.
CLAIRE: There's something wrong with Mom.
(Claire grabs Lyle’s wrist and pulls him down the stairs with her.)
LYLE: There's something wrong with you.
LYLE: (smugly) Good thing Dad's not home, 'cause he would so drug-test you.
LYLE: (o.s.) Dad.
(Lyle gets up and gives his dad a hug. Claire doesn’t get up.)
MR. BENNET: I've convinced the doctor to let us take her home in the morning. She'll be okay.
CLAIRE: No thanks to you.
LYLE: Shut up, Claire.
LYLE: Dad?
1.17 - “Company Man”
LYLE: Mom! I called the police.
1.01 - “Genesis”
LYLE BENNET: He still humps my leg when I watch TV.
LYLE BENNET: Doug and I saw this Mexican guy. A homeless dude. On the way to school. We thought he was dead, but he wasn't.
LYLE BENNET: I thought Dad was coming home today.
LYLE BENNET: Just in time to read my report card.
LYLE BENNET: What the hell is that supposed to mean? God, you’re so crazy sometimes.
1.04 - “Collision”
LYLE: Mom said to tell you the waffles are ready.
1.07 - “Nothing To Hide”
SANDRA BENNET: Well, he will listen to you today because he knows what a big day it is for Mr. Muggles. Thank you. And he doesn't want to stress us out. Whew, does he?
LYLE BENNET: Sure.
LYLE BENNET: That was all special effects?
LYLE BENNET: (shouts) Help! Somebody help me! My sister's a freak!
LYLE BENNET: I'm gonna put this thing on YouTube. Make, like, a million bucks.
ZACH: YouTube's free, you idiot.
CLAIRE: (to Zach) You're not helping. Lyle, no one can see what's on that tape.
LYLE BENNET: Are you an alien or something? Is he an alien too?
ZACH: Yeah, yeah. We're gonna - (deep, raspy voice) We're gonna anal probe you!
CLAIRE: Zach! Stop scaring him.
LYLE BENNET: I'm not coming out until Mom and Dad get home.
CLAIRE: No, no, no. You cannot tell them. Lyle, please. They cannot find out about this.
LYLE BENNET: Why not?
CLAIRE: Don't you get it? If they found out, Mom and Dad would think it was a mistake to ever adopt me. We wouldn't be a family anymore. Please.
(Lyle rolls down the window and gives Claire the tape.)
CLAIRE: Thank you.
LYLE BENNET: Whatever.
1.11 - “Fallout”
LYLE: Mom's at the store. I don't know where Dad is.
CLAIRE: Did Dad talk to you?
LYLE: About what?
CLAIRE: About me. He knows. And he knows that you know.
(Lyle shakes his head. He has no clue what she’s talking about.)
CLAIRE: My thing. That I can't get hurt.
(Lyle smirks. He reaches out and punches Claire on her arm.)
LYLE: That didn't hurt?
CLAIRE: Lyle, I'm serious. Now tell me what Dad said to you.
LYLE: I haven't seen Dad all day.
CLAIRE: He was supposed to pick you up from practice.
LYLE: Well, he didn't.
CLAIRE: Well, how'd you get home?
(Lyle is silent. His eye shift from side to side. It’s apparent that he can’t remember.)
CLAIRE: Lyle. How did you get home?
LYLE: I-I don't remember.
1.16 - “Unexpected”
CLAIRE: Where's Dad?
LYLE: He's on one of his stupid business trips.
CLAIRE: There's something wrong with Mom.
(Claire grabs Lyle’s wrist and pulls him down the stairs with her.)
LYLE: There's something wrong with you.
LYLE: (smugly) Good thing Dad's not home, 'cause he would so drug-test you.
LYLE: (o.s.) Dad.
(Lyle gets up and gives his dad a hug. Claire doesn’t get up.)
MR. BENNET: I've convinced the doctor to let us take her home in the morning. She'll be okay.
CLAIRE: No thanks to you.
LYLE: Shut up, Claire.
LYLE: Dad?
1.17 - “Company Man”
LYLE: Mom! I called the police.