A Million Things to Be (Charlie Bartlett fanfic)
Title: A Million Things to Be
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2202
Disclaimer: Charlie Bartlett is not mine. Sadly neither is RDJ.
Summary: Oneshot. A slightly AU version of the gun scene, in which Charlie's a bit hurt and there's a bit more talking. Charlie/Gardner father-son, rather angsty all around.
(Originally posted on ff.net on 16 October 2008)
./.
…A Million Things to Be…
…I…
Gardner waves the gun around and Charlie is stuttering and incoherent and completely incapable of helping the man in front of him, and he hates it-hates the gun in the others hand, hates the sound of the bullet striking the boat, but most of all he hates being trapped by fear in this chair and hates sitting here helpless while a man-this man, this very specific man who's confusing his feelings and his sense of self and with every word shattering the walls he's built over the years-he can't take sitting helpless while this man self-destructs in front of him.
So when Charlie feels the words stumble over his lips, when he hears himself admit to being helpless, to being a child, he can see in Gardner's eyes the acceptance and the defeat in one fell swoop, and he hates it-hates it with an unexpected amount of passion, and he realizes, now, that for once he wanted to be treated as a child, and that he's not sure how much more responsibility he can accept, and there is grief mixed with the pain, because if anyone deserved a break in this shithole of a world he'd give one to Gardner, which is why, when he looks up and sees the gun resting against the others head, he blanks out.
He's moving before he can puzzle out why, because he lost his father because of stupid choices, and he's not about to let Gardner be an equal idiot, and because he's suffered through enough angst with Kip's almost-suicide and he's not about to deal with an honest-to-god suicide ten feet in front of him, and maybe mostly because he's in the middle of a confusing-as-fuck self-realization and Gardner helped cause it and he is sure as hell going to be there when he comes out on the other side, and he is not allowed to just leave just because he can't take the world, because who can?
He hears Gardner's confused, startled words before he slams into his arm and everything goes dark.
…II…
Nathan watches with a sort of surprised detachment as Bartlett runs into his outstretched arm and then falls, and it's not until Bartlett hits the diving board and its echoing rattle of contact that reality smacks him, and he finds himself staring down at the sinking body below him and he spares a half second to think well, Fuck, before he dives in after him.
The water is cold, and Bartlett has sunk to the very bottom, and is very not moving, but all Nathan can concentrate on is the way the water around Bartlett's head is turning a darker color and the looping image of him falling is circling his mind. Nathan hesitates for a half-second over Bartlett's body, worrying over trauma and broken necks and paralyzement and wishing for a clear head and any place other than here, but deciding that lack of oxygen is the more urgent concern he grabs Bartlett and kicks for the surface.
Bartlett, being the fucking stubborn idiot that he is, isn't breathing. Forcing himself not to think about anything other than air and oxygen and those few things that can help the brat out he starts doing CPR, and maybe immediately, maybe a forever later, Bartlett coughs, water spraying out of his mouth, and Nathan turns him over on his side so he can spit the rest out and collapses onto the ground next to him, arm still draped over the others side, pulling him back so that Bartlett's back rests against his chest and he can feel the movement of his chest, feel the air rush unsteadily into the others lungs.
"It's okay," Nathan whispers, "You're going to be okay, I promise, just lie her for a moment, you're okay, I swear."
…III…
Charlie coughs out water, eyes fluttering open as he tries to figure out where he is and what's going on and why he's all wet, but before he can start asking questions and puzzling out answers someone turns him over onto his side and he's coughing out the rest of the water and feeling the sudden blessed relief of oxygen in his lungs. And then he freezes, confused.
There is an arm holding him close to a warm body and a low, steady litany of words, of comfort, pouring into his ear, and he breathes in an unsteady gasp as he feels the arm clutching him, as he realizes, in one startling, half-in-shock moment of pure beauty and truth and half-drugged from the adrenaline pumping through his veins that this must be what it's like. One half-shaking hand reaches up and grabs Gardner's hand, because of course it's Gardner's voice, and Gardner's hand, and Gardner holding him, and the hand that he grabs grabs back and he turns around, sitting up and pitching forward as Gardner catches him, and holds him, hand snug around the back of his neck, other arm looped beneath his shoulders as he bursts into half-hysterical tears, unable to listen to reason or be calmed or do anything other than be a child and react.
He's still shaking like a leaf when they pull apart.
"You okay?" Gardner whispers, and Charlie nods, scrubbing his eyes with the back of his hands, confused and embarrassed and feeling completely vulnerable which is really quite terrifying. Gardner stares at a silent Charlie for a long moment. "Why did you do that?" he finally asks, and he doesn't sound angry but he does sound confused, and Charlie drops his eyes, unsure.
"You were going to kill yourself," he says softly, and then looks back up to see Gardner's reaction. He's half-smiling, eyes dark.
"Can't. Too many responsibilities," Gardner tells him, and from the look in his eyes Charlie knows Gardner's just added him to the list, and he's not sure whether or not be happy about that. "You okay?" Gardner asks, and before Charlie can shrug it off Gardner is tugging him forward to get a look at the top of his head. They both wince.
"Ow," Charlie moans rather plaintively.
"You probably need stitches," Gardner sighs, with maybe the barest possibility of a malicious gleam in his eyes.
"Can't. We've got to get to Susan's play," Charlie says, a small smirk edging onto his lips. Gardner quirks an eyebrow at him.
"Yes, because sitting with a bunch of kids who hate my guts for a daughter that pretty much wishes I was dead would really top off my day."
"Oh, come on," Charlie says, unable to resist the smirk that's now plastered to his face, "It's not like this day could really get any worse." Gardner rolls his eyes but feels an answering smile tug at his lips. "She really wants you to be there," Charlie adds softly, and Gardner's eyes soften and he looks away, tightening his lips in an attempt to make his face impassive, and Charlie glances down, giving him a moment.
…IV…
"I've…" Nathan starts, and then glances back to Bartlett and he changes his mind abruptly, managing a brief smile at the kid. "C'mon, let's get you dried up and then you're going to the hospital." He stands and then grabs Bartlett's hand and pulls him up to his feet.
"I'm fine," Bartlett frowns. Nathan stops walking and turns to look at him.
"You stopped breathing. I had to give you CPR. You're not fine, Chuck," he corrects, and then pulls him along towards the house.
"…oh, don't tell Susan that. I think she'd find her boyfriend and her dad making out to be a little-"
"Shut it, Chuck."
"Don't call me Chuck!"
"Listen, Chuck-"
"Fine. I'll go to the hospital. After the play. And no telling Susan."
"What, do you think she'd find it weird that her dad almost killed her boyfr-"
"Don't," Bartlett cuts in, and Nathan looks at him, and stops, because this is the boy that he has always suspected to be hurting and unstable and in need underneath his really quite impressive façade, and this is the boy that he has finally seen, sobbing in his arms, moments ago, which will of course never be spoken of, ever, and this is the boy that he breathed life back into after sending him frantic and helpless and over the edge, and really, he can't stand seeing any more pain in the boy's eyes than what's already floating in them, not even all that out of sight anymore.
"Okay, Charlie," he says, instead, and wrapping an arm around Bartlett's shoulders he tugs him into his side as they continue walking back up to the house. "Y'know, if you need stitches, they're gonna have to shave your head."
"You, Mr. Gardner, are a sadistic man," Bartlett tells him, glancing up with an extremely straight face, and Nathan just laughs.
"So I've been told," he says. "So I've been told."
…VII…
"This is going to sting," Gardner warns, and it does a bit, but Charlie manages to keep a stoic expression as he cleans the cut on the back of his head. "So your dad," Gardner says out of nowhere, and this time Charlie doesn't hide the wince in time. Gardner's watching him in the mirror, and he can't look away without being obvious, so he forces his eyes to meet his.
"What about him?" Charlie asks, reasonably proud that his voice sounds relatively calm and hopefully casual.
"I admit, I was expecting somewhat of a bigger secret. Tax evasion certainly isn't the worse thing in the world."
"Is there a reason that you're bringing this up now?" Charlie frowns, and then winces as Gardner continues to calmly clean the cut.
"I figure I should make the most out of you being at a disadvantage and distracted," Gardner smirks at him, and Charlie narrows his eyes a bit.
"As I said, sadistic."
"So why do you want to hate him so much?" Gardner continues, not even bothering to pin Charlie with his eyes since he's doing such a good job with his words.
"I don't want to hate him," Charlie whispers, and Gardner suppresses a small smile.
"Well, you don't hate him, no matter how much you think you do. See the way you've tensed up at the mere mention of his name? You care," Gardner says. "You're not the only one who can read people."
"I don't…hate him, I just-"
"Want to stay mad at him forever? How's that working for you?"
Charlie grins slightly. "Some days…are better than others." Gardner meets Charlie's eyes squarely in the mirror.
"No shit," he says, lips twitching a bit.
…VI…
"On the bright side," Nathan says, glancing from the road to Bartlett sitting in the passenger seat, "If this play turns into a giant disaster, it's no longer my head on the plate. I've already been fired, there's not much worse they can do."
"Don't try to guilt trip me, Mr. Gardner. You put me in jail. I've got a record," Bartlett snaps back, eyes dancing slightly.
"Ah, you punched me. And you'll get your record sealed, all right? I have to get another job."
"So be a teacher," Bartlett shrugs, as if it's no big deal at all. Nathan resists the urge to roll his eyes, but only because it's a bit dangerous while driving, and knowing their luck right now they'll run off the road.
"I can see why people flock to talk to you, Chuck. You're really very inspiring. Like a mini-Tony Robbins or-"
"Quite the funny-man, pops," Bartlett half-growls. They fall into a bit of an awkward silence while they both consider Bartlett's choice of words.
"You're going to go see him," Nathan says, and Bartlett's eyebrows raise a centimeter or so.
"Oh, I am, am I? Yes sir, I'll get right on that!"
"Charlie…" Nathan starts, trying to figure just how to say whatever it is that he wants to say. Bartlett's busy chewing on his lip, and when Nathan spares him a glance, Bartlett shoots him a deer-in-the-headlights look.
"Mr. Gardner-"
"Charlie," Nathan cuts in, his lips quirking upwards. "If you ever need or want to talk…"
Nathan's staring at the road in front of him, but out of the corner of his eye he can see Bartlett staring at him, and then can see his own lips slowly turn up into a smile.
"Thank you, sir."
…VII…
Nathan and Charlie slip down into their seats, watching Susan up on the stage, watch the play that they're both actually surprised to find out is quite good.
Without even conscious thought, Nathan slips an arm around Charlie's shoulders, and it's not until he can feel Charlie looking at him that he even realizes what he's done. But it kind of makes him happy to see Charlie smile like that, so he flashes the kid a small grin of his own and then turns back to watch the girl-the woman, really-who's put up with the both of them.
And when Susan, looking out into the audience, sees both of them sitting there, sees Nathan's arm draped across Charlie's shoulders, her smile lights up the room.
./.
…Finis…
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2202
Disclaimer: Charlie Bartlett is not mine. Sadly neither is RDJ.
Summary: Oneshot. A slightly AU version of the gun scene, in which Charlie's a bit hurt and there's a bit more talking. Charlie/Gardner father-son, rather angsty all around.
(Originally posted on ff.net on 16 October 2008)
./.
…A Million Things to Be…
…I…
Gardner waves the gun around and Charlie is stuttering and incoherent and completely incapable of helping the man in front of him, and he hates it-hates the gun in the others hand, hates the sound of the bullet striking the boat, but most of all he hates being trapped by fear in this chair and hates sitting here helpless while a man-this man, this very specific man who's confusing his feelings and his sense of self and with every word shattering the walls he's built over the years-he can't take sitting helpless while this man self-destructs in front of him.
So when Charlie feels the words stumble over his lips, when he hears himself admit to being helpless, to being a child, he can see in Gardner's eyes the acceptance and the defeat in one fell swoop, and he hates it-hates it with an unexpected amount of passion, and he realizes, now, that for once he wanted to be treated as a child, and that he's not sure how much more responsibility he can accept, and there is grief mixed with the pain, because if anyone deserved a break in this shithole of a world he'd give one to Gardner, which is why, when he looks up and sees the gun resting against the others head, he blanks out.
He's moving before he can puzzle out why, because he lost his father because of stupid choices, and he's not about to let Gardner be an equal idiot, and because he's suffered through enough angst with Kip's almost-suicide and he's not about to deal with an honest-to-god suicide ten feet in front of him, and maybe mostly because he's in the middle of a confusing-as-fuck self-realization and Gardner helped cause it and he is sure as hell going to be there when he comes out on the other side, and he is not allowed to just leave just because he can't take the world, because who can?
He hears Gardner's confused, startled words before he slams into his arm and everything goes dark.
…II…
Nathan watches with a sort of surprised detachment as Bartlett runs into his outstretched arm and then falls, and it's not until Bartlett hits the diving board and its echoing rattle of contact that reality smacks him, and he finds himself staring down at the sinking body below him and he spares a half second to think well, Fuck, before he dives in after him.
The water is cold, and Bartlett has sunk to the very bottom, and is very not moving, but all Nathan can concentrate on is the way the water around Bartlett's head is turning a darker color and the looping image of him falling is circling his mind. Nathan hesitates for a half-second over Bartlett's body, worrying over trauma and broken necks and paralyzement and wishing for a clear head and any place other than here, but deciding that lack of oxygen is the more urgent concern he grabs Bartlett and kicks for the surface.
Bartlett, being the fucking stubborn idiot that he is, isn't breathing. Forcing himself not to think about anything other than air and oxygen and those few things that can help the brat out he starts doing CPR, and maybe immediately, maybe a forever later, Bartlett coughs, water spraying out of his mouth, and Nathan turns him over on his side so he can spit the rest out and collapses onto the ground next to him, arm still draped over the others side, pulling him back so that Bartlett's back rests against his chest and he can feel the movement of his chest, feel the air rush unsteadily into the others lungs.
"It's okay," Nathan whispers, "You're going to be okay, I promise, just lie her for a moment, you're okay, I swear."
…III…
Charlie coughs out water, eyes fluttering open as he tries to figure out where he is and what's going on and why he's all wet, but before he can start asking questions and puzzling out answers someone turns him over onto his side and he's coughing out the rest of the water and feeling the sudden blessed relief of oxygen in his lungs. And then he freezes, confused.
There is an arm holding him close to a warm body and a low, steady litany of words, of comfort, pouring into his ear, and he breathes in an unsteady gasp as he feels the arm clutching him, as he realizes, in one startling, half-in-shock moment of pure beauty and truth and half-drugged from the adrenaline pumping through his veins that this must be what it's like. One half-shaking hand reaches up and grabs Gardner's hand, because of course it's Gardner's voice, and Gardner's hand, and Gardner holding him, and the hand that he grabs grabs back and he turns around, sitting up and pitching forward as Gardner catches him, and holds him, hand snug around the back of his neck, other arm looped beneath his shoulders as he bursts into half-hysterical tears, unable to listen to reason or be calmed or do anything other than be a child and react.
He's still shaking like a leaf when they pull apart.
"You okay?" Gardner whispers, and Charlie nods, scrubbing his eyes with the back of his hands, confused and embarrassed and feeling completely vulnerable which is really quite terrifying. Gardner stares at a silent Charlie for a long moment. "Why did you do that?" he finally asks, and he doesn't sound angry but he does sound confused, and Charlie drops his eyes, unsure.
"You were going to kill yourself," he says softly, and then looks back up to see Gardner's reaction. He's half-smiling, eyes dark.
"Can't. Too many responsibilities," Gardner tells him, and from the look in his eyes Charlie knows Gardner's just added him to the list, and he's not sure whether or not be happy about that. "You okay?" Gardner asks, and before Charlie can shrug it off Gardner is tugging him forward to get a look at the top of his head. They both wince.
"Ow," Charlie moans rather plaintively.
"You probably need stitches," Gardner sighs, with maybe the barest possibility of a malicious gleam in his eyes.
"Can't. We've got to get to Susan's play," Charlie says, a small smirk edging onto his lips. Gardner quirks an eyebrow at him.
"Yes, because sitting with a bunch of kids who hate my guts for a daughter that pretty much wishes I was dead would really top off my day."
"Oh, come on," Charlie says, unable to resist the smirk that's now plastered to his face, "It's not like this day could really get any worse." Gardner rolls his eyes but feels an answering smile tug at his lips. "She really wants you to be there," Charlie adds softly, and Gardner's eyes soften and he looks away, tightening his lips in an attempt to make his face impassive, and Charlie glances down, giving him a moment.
…IV…
"I've…" Nathan starts, and then glances back to Bartlett and he changes his mind abruptly, managing a brief smile at the kid. "C'mon, let's get you dried up and then you're going to the hospital." He stands and then grabs Bartlett's hand and pulls him up to his feet.
"I'm fine," Bartlett frowns. Nathan stops walking and turns to look at him.
"You stopped breathing. I had to give you CPR. You're not fine, Chuck," he corrects, and then pulls him along towards the house.
"…oh, don't tell Susan that. I think she'd find her boyfriend and her dad making out to be a little-"
"Shut it, Chuck."
"Don't call me Chuck!"
"Listen, Chuck-"
"Fine. I'll go to the hospital. After the play. And no telling Susan."
"What, do you think she'd find it weird that her dad almost killed her boyfr-"
"Don't," Bartlett cuts in, and Nathan looks at him, and stops, because this is the boy that he has always suspected to be hurting and unstable and in need underneath his really quite impressive façade, and this is the boy that he has finally seen, sobbing in his arms, moments ago, which will of course never be spoken of, ever, and this is the boy that he breathed life back into after sending him frantic and helpless and over the edge, and really, he can't stand seeing any more pain in the boy's eyes than what's already floating in them, not even all that out of sight anymore.
"Okay, Charlie," he says, instead, and wrapping an arm around Bartlett's shoulders he tugs him into his side as they continue walking back up to the house. "Y'know, if you need stitches, they're gonna have to shave your head."
"You, Mr. Gardner, are a sadistic man," Bartlett tells him, glancing up with an extremely straight face, and Nathan just laughs.
"So I've been told," he says. "So I've been told."
…VII…
"This is going to sting," Gardner warns, and it does a bit, but Charlie manages to keep a stoic expression as he cleans the cut on the back of his head. "So your dad," Gardner says out of nowhere, and this time Charlie doesn't hide the wince in time. Gardner's watching him in the mirror, and he can't look away without being obvious, so he forces his eyes to meet his.
"What about him?" Charlie asks, reasonably proud that his voice sounds relatively calm and hopefully casual.
"I admit, I was expecting somewhat of a bigger secret. Tax evasion certainly isn't the worse thing in the world."
"Is there a reason that you're bringing this up now?" Charlie frowns, and then winces as Gardner continues to calmly clean the cut.
"I figure I should make the most out of you being at a disadvantage and distracted," Gardner smirks at him, and Charlie narrows his eyes a bit.
"As I said, sadistic."
"So why do you want to hate him so much?" Gardner continues, not even bothering to pin Charlie with his eyes since he's doing such a good job with his words.
"I don't want to hate him," Charlie whispers, and Gardner suppresses a small smile.
"Well, you don't hate him, no matter how much you think you do. See the way you've tensed up at the mere mention of his name? You care," Gardner says. "You're not the only one who can read people."
"I don't…hate him, I just-"
"Want to stay mad at him forever? How's that working for you?"
Charlie grins slightly. "Some days…are better than others." Gardner meets Charlie's eyes squarely in the mirror.
"No shit," he says, lips twitching a bit.
…VI…
"On the bright side," Nathan says, glancing from the road to Bartlett sitting in the passenger seat, "If this play turns into a giant disaster, it's no longer my head on the plate. I've already been fired, there's not much worse they can do."
"Don't try to guilt trip me, Mr. Gardner. You put me in jail. I've got a record," Bartlett snaps back, eyes dancing slightly.
"Ah, you punched me. And you'll get your record sealed, all right? I have to get another job."
"So be a teacher," Bartlett shrugs, as if it's no big deal at all. Nathan resists the urge to roll his eyes, but only because it's a bit dangerous while driving, and knowing their luck right now they'll run off the road.
"I can see why people flock to talk to you, Chuck. You're really very inspiring. Like a mini-Tony Robbins or-"
"Quite the funny-man, pops," Bartlett half-growls. They fall into a bit of an awkward silence while they both consider Bartlett's choice of words.
"You're going to go see him," Nathan says, and Bartlett's eyebrows raise a centimeter or so.
"Oh, I am, am I? Yes sir, I'll get right on that!"
"Charlie…" Nathan starts, trying to figure just how to say whatever it is that he wants to say. Bartlett's busy chewing on his lip, and when Nathan spares him a glance, Bartlett shoots him a deer-in-the-headlights look.
"Mr. Gardner-"
"Charlie," Nathan cuts in, his lips quirking upwards. "If you ever need or want to talk…"
Nathan's staring at the road in front of him, but out of the corner of his eye he can see Bartlett staring at him, and then can see his own lips slowly turn up into a smile.
"Thank you, sir."
…VII…
Nathan and Charlie slip down into their seats, watching Susan up on the stage, watch the play that they're both actually surprised to find out is quite good.
Without even conscious thought, Nathan slips an arm around Charlie's shoulders, and it's not until he can feel Charlie looking at him that he even realizes what he's done. But it kind of makes him happy to see Charlie smile like that, so he flashes the kid a small grin of his own and then turns back to watch the girl-the woman, really-who's put up with the both of them.
And when Susan, looking out into the audience, sees both of them sitting there, sees Nathan's arm draped across Charlie's shoulders, her smile lights up the room.
./.
…Finis…