(no subject)
Because I had to deal with the news from earlier somehow...
Warnings: Character death
Pairings: Sparky
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG-13
Everything
They told him the minute he stepped through the gate. They figured that would be not only the best option, but their only option, as they knew she usually met him at the gate. For a few moments he stared at Carson, jaw clenched, eyes cold.
“Where is she?”
The words seemed loud, echoing through the gate room and probably half the corridors, everything was silent. All eyes were on John.
“The infirmary.”
He took his P-90 from around his neck and shoved it in Ronon’s arms, seeming to care little where it went, and then walked in the direction of the infirmary. They watched him go, no one followed him. That had always been her job.
~*~
“Elizabeth?” he popped his head into her office.
Elizabeth looked up and smiled at him. “Shouldn’t you be leaving?”
“Just came to say goodbye…and good luck,” he entered the room and smiled back at her.
“How adorably cute of you,” she narrowed her eyes at him. “Now go get us some intelligence before the Wraith attack again.”
“Yes ma’am,” John replied, but he made no move to leave, instead he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box, handing it to her. “Happy Birthday.”
She smiled happily as she took the gift. “I’ll open it later, go on your mission.”
“OK, see you tonight,” he said, leaving the room.
“Bye, John,” she said, and as he glanced back he saw her still turning the package in her hands.
~*~
He got to the entrance of the infirmary and stopped, turning around in fear and considering walking back to the gate room. Could he even go in there? Could he see…he closed his eyes shutting off that thought. It couldn’t be real.
Yet if he entered the infirmary it would be.
He did.
He walked forward to the white sheet and placed his hand on the edge, it took him a few moments before he managed to pull it back.
Her body was there, but she was gone, her wounds enough to show him that. The tears welled up instantly and he didn’t care, wiping them away only so he could see her. How could this happen? How had he even let her go off-world without him being there?
“Elizabeth, I should have been there, I’m sorry…”
~*~
“I don’t like it,” John stated.
Elizabeth yawned and blinked a few times before looking up at him. “You woke me up for that?”
“I want to be there,” he said.
“It’s three days away and Major Lorne’s perfectly capable of protecting me, you have another mission,” Elizabeth responded, stifling another yawn. “Look John unless you have something important to say…”
“I love you.”
She ceased all movement and her eyes shot up to look at him. “What?” she asked almost without sound.
He also froze, not entirely sure why he’d just spoken those words. He’d wanted to for so long, but that hadn’t been how he’d envisioned them coming out. He raised his eyes to look at hers.
“Elizabeth, I…love you,” he whispered.
“OK…” she whispered back. “John…is that why…?”
“I don’t want you to go without me,” he finished, answering her question in the process. “I don’t trust the Andari’s…I’ve had this horrible feeling about the whole situation since we met them and…”
“I know,” she said, then she looked away. “I have to…I…” she paused, looking for the words. “I have to think John.”
“OK,” he replied. “I understand. Good night.”
He turned and left, leaving her watching his back.
“I love you too,” he heard her whisper when she thought he was out of hearing range.
~*~
He reached with his hand and touched her face lightly. It was cold. She’d been dead for hours and they hadn’t even bothered to recall him…he let his fingers trail down her arm to her hand where she wore something he hadn’t expected to see.
His gift.
Clenching his jaw again he took it off her finger, then turned and stormed back towards the others. He didn’t need to go far as a crowd had assembled just outside the infirmary. He searched through it quickly and singled out Major Lorne.
He grabbed him by the shoulder and before Lorne knew what was coming John had punched him in the face and he was on the ground.
“Jesus Christ…” Lorne cursed as Ronon and Teyla grabbed onto Sheppard and held him back.
“Why the hell did you let that happen to her?” John shouted at him.
“She ordered us to leave them alone I didn’t know he was going to…”
“You never leave Elizabeth alone, never, ever…I thought I made that clear! She is…was…the most important person on this expedition,” his voice was a mixture of anger and sadness. “How could…why…”
And then he lost his strength and ceased fighting against Ronon and Teyla.
Lorne stood on his feet. “You think I wanted this to happen? Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re the only person who cares what happens to her, John…”
“You don’t understand,” John glared at him, reaching into his pocket he pulled out a small ring, throwing it at the ground. “You don’t understand!”
He shouted the last part and everyone in the room went deathly quiet.
“She shouldn’t have died, it’s not fair, she deserves to live,” he was shouting still, but it was filled with emotion not anger, and then he spoke quietly. “I loved her.”
With one last glare at Lorne he turned and walked back to the infirmary.
~*~
“John…” she whispered.
He turned to look at her sitting on the sofa next to him. She sat with his gift unwrapped and the small jewellery box open. Her finger traced lightly over the gold metal.
“Yes?” he asked quietly.
“Is this…?”
“Yes,” he replied.
She looked at him in shock. “We’re not even…”
“I know,” he said, then he reached across and placed a hand on her arm. “I want you to keep it, and if you decide that it’s what you want…”
“OK…” she said, looking back to the ring.
“I just wanted you to know what I said last night…I meant it.”
“Is…is this a date?” she asked.
He looked at the old football match on the television and the popcorn they’d dispersed everywhere by throwing at each other, then he smiled at her. “If you want it to be?”
She smiled back, closing the box and placing it carefully in her pocket. “I’d like that.”
~*~
Rodney found him hours later, still sitting by her side, her face pale and lifeless, and her stiff hand held in John’s.
Rodney coughed.
“I heard you come in,” John said.
“I thought I’d bring this back,” Rodney said, holding the ring out in front of John.
“You can keep it,” John muttered, not even looking at it. “I don’t need it.”
Rodney glanced again at Elizabeth, she was dead. He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering his thoughts together. He had to be strong because otherwise he knew there was no hope for his friend that was still alive.
He searched for something to sit on and found a stool under the bed next to him, pulling it out he sat on it.
John’s face was blank as he stared at Elizabeth. His eyes were red and he could see his clenched jaw twitching slightly as he tried to hold back more tears.
“She’d want you to keep it,” Rodney said.
“She was wearing it, Rodney,” John looked at him and it cut into Rodney like a razor.
John's pain was so deep that he felt it himself just by looking into his eyes. For a moment Rodney looked into his friends eyes in a mix of awe and fear at the rawness of his emotions and then he blinked and looked away slightly.
Obviously assuming Rodney didn’t draw the connections John continued. “That means she said yes…”
His voice was wavering.
“…I could have married her.”
And it suddenly struck Rodney just how deeply John had felt for her. The tone of his voice was one of devastation and Rodney didn’t know exactly how long he could sit there and take John’s angst without breaking down himself.
He looked back at John and then placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Major Lorne’s too afraid to talk to you, but he told me to tell you her last words were to tell you ‘Yes’,” Rodney informed him.
Then he stood up to leave, but he noticed John’s eyes glistening with tears again and he found he couldn’t do so.
Instead he did something he never thought he would, and wrapped his arms around his friend and held him tight as John cried.
~*~
“Well, I had fun,” Elizabeth said, stopping at her door. “Thank you, John.”
“Second date’s always better than the first,” John grinned at her.
“Especially because it didn’t involve football,” Elizabeth teased.
He watched her for a minute. “I still don’t like this Andari situation.”
“If I promise to come back safely will you let me go?” she didn’t look like she was taking him very seriously.
“Well you are the leader of this expedition, what you say goes…but I just want you to know I don’t trust them - so don’t let your guard down,” John said.
Elizabeth lost the cynical expression and placed her hand on one of his folded arms. “I won’t, I promise…”
“Good,” he said quietly, then changed his tone. “So, I guess this is goodnight m’lady…”
“Why goodnight to you also, kind sir,” she mocked, raising an eyebrow at him. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
She turned to leave but he grabbed her lower arm, turning her back around and placing his mouth on hers all in one swift movement. Caught by surprise she took a moment to respond to the kiss, but when she did it was with passion.
As John pulled back to leave she refused to remove her arms from around his neck.
“Stay,” she said quietly.
He searched her eyes for a moment and then nodded slightly. “OK…”
~*~
He stood on the balcony and stared out over the ocean; that was her home now. That was where she would have wanted to be buried, not in some cemetery back on Earth, not even on the mainland, but in the ocean.
She’d loved the ocean.
The memorial service had been long with both Rodney and Caldwell making speeches about her as a person and as a leader. John was supposed to speak, but when he’d reached his turn he’d been unable to find the words.
But it had been him who finally sprinkled her ashes into the ocean. The image of her burning would forever be etched into his mind and he knew it would play over and over every night as he went to bed.
Again he felt the tears fighting to come, a feeling he was now so accustomed to he barely noticed his own efforts to push them away. There was a light breeze that blew softly against his face, reminding him he was alive. Barely.
But she would want him to go on, to live, he knew that, and he would do it - for her.
“Goodbye Elizabeth,” he whispered.
Then he reached to his neck and pulled out his dogtags, a single gold ring attached to the chain. He then tore them both from his neck and threw them over the edge of the balcony.
“I’m with you,” he whispered, and then turned and walked back inside.
And how can I stand here with you,
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be,
Any better than this?
'Cause you're all I want,
You're all I need,
You're everything,
Everything...
Everything ~ Lifehouse
Warnings: Character death
Pairings: Sparky
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG-13
Everything
They told him the minute he stepped through the gate. They figured that would be not only the best option, but their only option, as they knew she usually met him at the gate. For a few moments he stared at Carson, jaw clenched, eyes cold.
“Where is she?”
The words seemed loud, echoing through the gate room and probably half the corridors, everything was silent. All eyes were on John.
“The infirmary.”
He took his P-90 from around his neck and shoved it in Ronon’s arms, seeming to care little where it went, and then walked in the direction of the infirmary. They watched him go, no one followed him. That had always been her job.
~*~
“Elizabeth?” he popped his head into her office.
Elizabeth looked up and smiled at him. “Shouldn’t you be leaving?”
“Just came to say goodbye…and good luck,” he entered the room and smiled back at her.
“How adorably cute of you,” she narrowed her eyes at him. “Now go get us some intelligence before the Wraith attack again.”
“Yes ma’am,” John replied, but he made no move to leave, instead he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box, handing it to her. “Happy Birthday.”
She smiled happily as she took the gift. “I’ll open it later, go on your mission.”
“OK, see you tonight,” he said, leaving the room.
“Bye, John,” she said, and as he glanced back he saw her still turning the package in her hands.
~*~
He got to the entrance of the infirmary and stopped, turning around in fear and considering walking back to the gate room. Could he even go in there? Could he see…he closed his eyes shutting off that thought. It couldn’t be real.
Yet if he entered the infirmary it would be.
He did.
He walked forward to the white sheet and placed his hand on the edge, it took him a few moments before he managed to pull it back.
Her body was there, but she was gone, her wounds enough to show him that. The tears welled up instantly and he didn’t care, wiping them away only so he could see her. How could this happen? How had he even let her go off-world without him being there?
“Elizabeth, I should have been there, I’m sorry…”
~*~
“I don’t like it,” John stated.
Elizabeth yawned and blinked a few times before looking up at him. “You woke me up for that?”
“I want to be there,” he said.
“It’s three days away and Major Lorne’s perfectly capable of protecting me, you have another mission,” Elizabeth responded, stifling another yawn. “Look John unless you have something important to say…”
“I love you.”
She ceased all movement and her eyes shot up to look at him. “What?” she asked almost without sound.
He also froze, not entirely sure why he’d just spoken those words. He’d wanted to for so long, but that hadn’t been how he’d envisioned them coming out. He raised his eyes to look at hers.
“Elizabeth, I…love you,” he whispered.
“OK…” she whispered back. “John…is that why…?”
“I don’t want you to go without me,” he finished, answering her question in the process. “I don’t trust the Andari’s…I’ve had this horrible feeling about the whole situation since we met them and…”
“I know,” she said, then she looked away. “I have to…I…” she paused, looking for the words. “I have to think John.”
“OK,” he replied. “I understand. Good night.”
He turned and left, leaving her watching his back.
“I love you too,” he heard her whisper when she thought he was out of hearing range.
~*~
He reached with his hand and touched her face lightly. It was cold. She’d been dead for hours and they hadn’t even bothered to recall him…he let his fingers trail down her arm to her hand where she wore something he hadn’t expected to see.
His gift.
Clenching his jaw again he took it off her finger, then turned and stormed back towards the others. He didn’t need to go far as a crowd had assembled just outside the infirmary. He searched through it quickly and singled out Major Lorne.
He grabbed him by the shoulder and before Lorne knew what was coming John had punched him in the face and he was on the ground.
“Jesus Christ…” Lorne cursed as Ronon and Teyla grabbed onto Sheppard and held him back.
“Why the hell did you let that happen to her?” John shouted at him.
“She ordered us to leave them alone I didn’t know he was going to…”
“You never leave Elizabeth alone, never, ever…I thought I made that clear! She is…was…the most important person on this expedition,” his voice was a mixture of anger and sadness. “How could…why…”
And then he lost his strength and ceased fighting against Ronon and Teyla.
Lorne stood on his feet. “You think I wanted this to happen? Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re the only person who cares what happens to her, John…”
“You don’t understand,” John glared at him, reaching into his pocket he pulled out a small ring, throwing it at the ground. “You don’t understand!”
He shouted the last part and everyone in the room went deathly quiet.
“She shouldn’t have died, it’s not fair, she deserves to live,” he was shouting still, but it was filled with emotion not anger, and then he spoke quietly. “I loved her.”
With one last glare at Lorne he turned and walked back to the infirmary.
~*~
“John…” she whispered.
He turned to look at her sitting on the sofa next to him. She sat with his gift unwrapped and the small jewellery box open. Her finger traced lightly over the gold metal.
“Yes?” he asked quietly.
“Is this…?”
“Yes,” he replied.
She looked at him in shock. “We’re not even…”
“I know,” he said, then he reached across and placed a hand on her arm. “I want you to keep it, and if you decide that it’s what you want…”
“OK…” she said, looking back to the ring.
“I just wanted you to know what I said last night…I meant it.”
“Is…is this a date?” she asked.
He looked at the old football match on the television and the popcorn they’d dispersed everywhere by throwing at each other, then he smiled at her. “If you want it to be?”
She smiled back, closing the box and placing it carefully in her pocket. “I’d like that.”
~*~
Rodney found him hours later, still sitting by her side, her face pale and lifeless, and her stiff hand held in John’s.
Rodney coughed.
“I heard you come in,” John said.
“I thought I’d bring this back,” Rodney said, holding the ring out in front of John.
“You can keep it,” John muttered, not even looking at it. “I don’t need it.”
Rodney glanced again at Elizabeth, she was dead. He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering his thoughts together. He had to be strong because otherwise he knew there was no hope for his friend that was still alive.
He searched for something to sit on and found a stool under the bed next to him, pulling it out he sat on it.
John’s face was blank as he stared at Elizabeth. His eyes were red and he could see his clenched jaw twitching slightly as he tried to hold back more tears.
“She’d want you to keep it,” Rodney said.
“She was wearing it, Rodney,” John looked at him and it cut into Rodney like a razor.
John's pain was so deep that he felt it himself just by looking into his eyes. For a moment Rodney looked into his friends eyes in a mix of awe and fear at the rawness of his emotions and then he blinked and looked away slightly.
Obviously assuming Rodney didn’t draw the connections John continued. “That means she said yes…”
His voice was wavering.
“…I could have married her.”
And it suddenly struck Rodney just how deeply John had felt for her. The tone of his voice was one of devastation and Rodney didn’t know exactly how long he could sit there and take John’s angst without breaking down himself.
He looked back at John and then placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Major Lorne’s too afraid to talk to you, but he told me to tell you her last words were to tell you ‘Yes’,” Rodney informed him.
Then he stood up to leave, but he noticed John’s eyes glistening with tears again and he found he couldn’t do so.
Instead he did something he never thought he would, and wrapped his arms around his friend and held him tight as John cried.
~*~
“Well, I had fun,” Elizabeth said, stopping at her door. “Thank you, John.”
“Second date’s always better than the first,” John grinned at her.
“Especially because it didn’t involve football,” Elizabeth teased.
He watched her for a minute. “I still don’t like this Andari situation.”
“If I promise to come back safely will you let me go?” she didn’t look like she was taking him very seriously.
“Well you are the leader of this expedition, what you say goes…but I just want you to know I don’t trust them - so don’t let your guard down,” John said.
Elizabeth lost the cynical expression and placed her hand on one of his folded arms. “I won’t, I promise…”
“Good,” he said quietly, then changed his tone. “So, I guess this is goodnight m’lady…”
“Why goodnight to you also, kind sir,” she mocked, raising an eyebrow at him. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
She turned to leave but he grabbed her lower arm, turning her back around and placing his mouth on hers all in one swift movement. Caught by surprise she took a moment to respond to the kiss, but when she did it was with passion.
As John pulled back to leave she refused to remove her arms from around his neck.
“Stay,” she said quietly.
He searched her eyes for a moment and then nodded slightly. “OK…”
~*~
He stood on the balcony and stared out over the ocean; that was her home now. That was where she would have wanted to be buried, not in some cemetery back on Earth, not even on the mainland, but in the ocean.
She’d loved the ocean.
The memorial service had been long with both Rodney and Caldwell making speeches about her as a person and as a leader. John was supposed to speak, but when he’d reached his turn he’d been unable to find the words.
But it had been him who finally sprinkled her ashes into the ocean. The image of her burning would forever be etched into his mind and he knew it would play over and over every night as he went to bed.
Again he felt the tears fighting to come, a feeling he was now so accustomed to he barely noticed his own efforts to push them away. There was a light breeze that blew softly against his face, reminding him he was alive. Barely.
But she would want him to go on, to live, he knew that, and he would do it - for her.
“Goodbye Elizabeth,” he whispered.
Then he reached to his neck and pulled out his dogtags, a single gold ring attached to the chain. He then tore them both from his neck and threw them over the edge of the balcony.
“I’m with you,” he whispered, and then turned and walked back inside.
And how can I stand here with you,
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be,
Any better than this?
'Cause you're all I want,
You're all I need,
You're everything,
Everything...
Everything ~ Lifehouse