(no subject)
Umm totally not beta'd and probably depressing and overly angsty John/Liz fic brought to you from a hotel in LA :P
Walk Away
She couldn’t look him in the eye. That was what hurt the most, they were crouched so close to each other behind the wall yet her eyes remained downward, staring at the ground.
“Elizabeth…” he whispered.
She looked up for a moment and then diverted her eyes the side. “I can’t ask you to do this…I won’t.”
He tried to read her expression, but it was so difficult without the ability to see into her eyes. In all truthfulness he knew it wasn’t necessary, he understood exactly what she was thinking, why she refused to give the order without having to be able to read her expression.
He reached forward and touched her arm lightly, then through the sound of the gunfire that surrounded them he whispered. “You don’t have to.”
Her eyes met his at that moment.
They were wide and the fear in them shot straight to his heart. He didn’t want her to feel the pain, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it. Either he did this and left her with the pain of his loss, or they all died.
“You want to know the worst part?” she asked, not even blinking.
He didn’t respond, he knew she would continue either way.
She titled her head slightly to one side and it was suddenly very clear to him that she was holding back tears.
“As the leader of this expedition I can’t ask you to stay,” she said.
He could hear her heart breaking as she said it. Without thinking he drew her into a hug. Their position was awkward and their environment was even more so but he felt as though he had to, to show her he didn’t want this either.
It seemed like forever before she spoke again, a bare whisper as her lips moved slightly against his ear.
“But as someone who loves you I wish you would…”
He leaned back slightly and looked into her eyes again. Somehow the sentence was no surprise to him; a mere confirmation of what he had known for some time to be the truth, however it was also a confirmation that she knew he had to go.
“I’m sorry, Elizabeth,” he leant his forehead against hers and held both her shoulders in his hands.
“For Atlantis,” she whispered, sounding more as though she was trying to convince herself than him.
He stayed silent for a moment, searching himself for the courage he needed. In those moments there were only a few things he regretted doing in his life, but there was one major thing he regretted not doing.
“For Atlantis,” he said, slightly louder than she had.
Then he leaned forward and briefly brushed his lips against hers before standing up, turning, and running out of the room. In the last moment before he ran through the door he glanced back at Elizabeth still crouched behind the wall he felt his own heart break in two.
This was for her.
Walk Away
She couldn’t look him in the eye. That was what hurt the most, they were crouched so close to each other behind the wall yet her eyes remained downward, staring at the ground.
“Elizabeth…” he whispered.
She looked up for a moment and then diverted her eyes the side. “I can’t ask you to do this…I won’t.”
He tried to read her expression, but it was so difficult without the ability to see into her eyes. In all truthfulness he knew it wasn’t necessary, he understood exactly what she was thinking, why she refused to give the order without having to be able to read her expression.
He reached forward and touched her arm lightly, then through the sound of the gunfire that surrounded them he whispered. “You don’t have to.”
Her eyes met his at that moment.
They were wide and the fear in them shot straight to his heart. He didn’t want her to feel the pain, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it. Either he did this and left her with the pain of his loss, or they all died.
“You want to know the worst part?” she asked, not even blinking.
He didn’t respond, he knew she would continue either way.
She titled her head slightly to one side and it was suddenly very clear to him that she was holding back tears.
“As the leader of this expedition I can’t ask you to stay,” she said.
He could hear her heart breaking as she said it. Without thinking he drew her into a hug. Their position was awkward and their environment was even more so but he felt as though he had to, to show her he didn’t want this either.
It seemed like forever before she spoke again, a bare whisper as her lips moved slightly against his ear.
“But as someone who loves you I wish you would…”
He leaned back slightly and looked into her eyes again. Somehow the sentence was no surprise to him; a mere confirmation of what he had known for some time to be the truth, however it was also a confirmation that she knew he had to go.
“I’m sorry, Elizabeth,” he leant his forehead against hers and held both her shoulders in his hands.
“For Atlantis,” she whispered, sounding more as though she was trying to convince herself than him.
He stayed silent for a moment, searching himself for the courage he needed. In those moments there were only a few things he regretted doing in his life, but there was one major thing he regretted not doing.
“For Atlantis,” he said, slightly louder than she had.
Then he leaned forward and briefly brushed his lips against hers before standing up, turning, and running out of the room. In the last moment before he ran through the door he glanced back at Elizabeth still crouched behind the wall he felt his own heart break in two.
This was for her.