[ ten years 1/1 ]
Title: Ten Years
Fandom: Sea Patrol
Pairing: Mike/Kate
Spoilers: None
Words: 1757
Summary: 'Mike watches as they speak and it dawns on him that it’s his hesitation that lost him everything. In his fear to lose either the Hammersley or Kate he’s managed to lose them both.'
So we take a step into the light,
And I find the urge to fight for you,
Cos I know your colours seem to show,
And I think I could make them glow.
- Only One by Sing It Out Loud
i.
He watches as she speaks to the guy at the bar. She’s smiling, flirting in that way that used to be reserved for him and him alone. But more and more often he notices her doing it around other men.
It’s probably his fault - that much he knows - but he’d hoped after she had kissed him on the boat that things might have changed.
But the only thing that had changed since then was her distancing herself from him - as though she’d given up. Maybe she had.
He didn’t want that and suddenly he found himself panicking slightly inside.
What if he’d missed his chance?
The thought had been haunting him for months, but he wasn’t sure what scared him more. Changing how things were at that moment, or losing her forever? The idea that scares him most is leaving her alone on the Hammersley. Alone, in danger, every day.
She turns and smiles at him and he notes that instead of the usual warm feeling he has around her he just feels the knot in his stomach tying tighter. He forces a smile back and signals that he’s leaving.
He doesn’t really want to watch her hit on someone else.
ii.
He knows before she tells him. When she enters the bridge that morning she’s smiling in that way and there’s that small bounce in her step. He remembers it from Jarvis Bay. It used to be him causing that reaction.
Dutchy notices it too. Mike knows because he gives him a suspicious look, the same one Mike had given him only moments earlier. If he didn’t know better he would have assumed Dutchy was the other man - but he recognises that look because it’s reflected in his eyes.
This is someone else.
iii.
‘Dinner?’
She looks up at him in surprise and instantly her cheeks flush red.
‘I have plans.’
She’s hesitant as she talks and he knows straight away. He doesn’t say anything, he’s not entirely sure how to respond. But that feeling is back, that knot in his stomach and the nagging thought that he’s too late.
He watches as she gets in the next cab and instead of sharing with her like they often do he waits for the next one.
iv.
It wasn’t how he’d imagine that day. She was supposed to get promoted so she could be CO of Hammersley, then he would take a shore posting and they would live happily ever after. Two of those things were happening.
Instead of the third he’s standing in the corner of the bar watching. He’s there, the other guy. Nigel. What sort of name was Nigel anyway?
She hasn’t even bothered to introduce them, and he knows why. He probably looks like a grumpy old sulk sitting in the shadows and drinking a beer. Mike watches as they speak and it dawns on him that it’s his hesitation that lost him everything. In his fear to lose either the Hammersley or Kate he’s managed to lose them both.
And suddenly he feels completely empty.
In only a couple of months it feels like he’s gone from having everything to have nothing. And he has no one to blame but himself.
He looks up as Buffer slides into the chair next to him. No one else has spoken to him the whole night, and Dutchy disappeared pretty early on. Oddly enough he’d built some kind of strange bond with Dutchy in the past few weeks - as though he was the only other person who could understand.
But Mike realises there’s a third person who understands.
‘I have a bottle of Scotch waiting at home,’ Buffer says, taking a swig from his beer. ‘If you’re interested that is.’
Mike looks at Buffer and nods. He hasn’t seen the guy in almost a year but in that moment it doesn’t matter. He understands. And for just a moment Mike wonders if there’s anyone on Hammersley who’s not in love with her.
v.
The bottle is almost empty before they talk about it.
‘How long?’
They’ve been silent for a good ten minutes and it takes Mike a moment to adjust to the fact that they’re actually going to talk about it. For a moment he just stares at the Scotch glass in his hand and wonders if it’s really appropriate to discuss this with Buffer.
The alcohol tells him there’s no one else better to discuss it with.
‘Almost ten years,’ he pauses and looks at his ex-colleague.
There’s something there in Buffer’s eyes that tells him he understands exactly what he’s feeling. A part of him hates Buffer for it, because the man left the Hammersley and had every chance to make his move but didn’t. He wants to ask so many questions but he can’t find the words. Instead he settles on the simplest response.
‘You?’
It’s Buffer’s turn to pause and reflect; he looks at his glass for a moment and then back at Mike.
‘Since the day she walked on board.’
They fall silent again, the two of them staring at their glasses. After a few moments Mike holds up his glass.
‘To love.’
Buffer looks at him and holds up his glass, his eyes darkening with a hint of sadness. ‘To Kate McGregor.’
vi.
The day she knocks on his door, her eyes slightly red and her hair unbrushed, he hates to admit he feels slightly relieved.
‘I can’t do it.’
He wants to say so many things. He wants to hold her and tell her it’s OK, and he wants to tell her he loves her and he’s sorry. But he doesn’t.
‘Can’t do what?’ he responds.
She looks up at him in disbelief. ‘You never cease to astound me with your insensitivity.’
He’s not sure how he’s meant to respond to that, but he knows she’s right. He can’t help it, he always intends to say the right thing and it never comes out that way. He’s about to respond when she continues.
‘Yet here I am, it’s still your door I’m standing at. It’s still you I come to. I’ve tried my hardest to move on but - ‘ she pauses and looks at him. ‘I shouldn’t be here. Sorry.’
She turns to leave.
‘Kate.’
She stops and her shoulders slump. For a moment they both stand in silence on his doorstep and then slowly she turns around and looks up at him.
‘I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with you, but I can’t move on from you.’
And looking at her standing in front of him, weak and fragile, everything that Kate McGregor is not, he realises it’s not Nigel who’s done this to her.
It’s him. This is his fault.
And suddenly the knot in his stomach is tied so tightly he can hardly breathe.
‘Come inside. Please.’
She nods.
vii.
He hands her the tea and she half-smiles for a moment before it fades back to the blank expression she’s had since she walked through his door. He sits beside her and for a few minutes they’re sitting in silence as he watches her clutching the tea mug and tries to figure out what to say. Eventually she’s the one who breaks the silence.
‘Ten years, Mike.’
He’s not sure he can handle much more of this, of knowing it’s his fault - that he’s broken her - and he looks away.
‘How did it get so complicated?’ she whispers, followed by a deep breath and he realises she’s trying her best not to break down. ‘I’ve tried really hard - ‘
‘I know,’ he responds.
‘No, Mike, you don’t. You left me after Jarvis Bay. You stayed on the Hammersley. You never showed me you really cared and I can’t wait forever for someone when I have no idea how they feel. But I also can’t move on because…’ she trails off and looks at him. ‘I’ve tried, but I’m stuck, because I don’t know if I can be with you and I don’t think I can be without you.’
And now there are tears in her eyes and he’s not sure what he’s meant to do. He thinks about kissing her but he’s pretty sure that’s inappropriate. He thinks about telling her he loves her, but he doesn’t want to sound like he’s pulling moves from a romantic comedy. He thinks about touching her arm lightly, but he’s afraid how she’ll react.
‘Say something please,’ she whispers, looking up at him.
‘I’m sorry,’ is all he manages quietly. ‘I’m sorry for the last ten years. I’m sorry I left you and I’m sorry I didn’t leave the Hammersley sooner. I’m sorry I never told you how I felt and Kate I’m sorry I didn’t sweep you off your feet and ask you to marry me.’
They both fall silent for a moment and he’s aware neither of them are even breathing at the mention of the word ‘marry’. He hadn’t meant to say it, it had just escaped. And in no way was it a proposal, but it was something they rarely talked about and he knew it was something important to her.
‘Can we start again?’ he whispers.
She’s not smiling but her eyes have that slight sparkle he’s missed seeing there.
‘It’s not that simple,’ she replies.
‘Yeah, I didn’t think that would work,’ he smiles at her softly and hopes against all hope that she’ll smile back.
She does.
viii.
When he wakes the next morning she’s lying next to him, asleep, her hand lying lightly on top of his against the pillow. Nothing’s happened, he’s not the type of man to use a woman’s grief to get her in bed, but just knowing she stayed the night with him makes him feel better.
He watches her as she sleeps, her face is relaxed and he wonders if he’s imagining the slight smile on her lips. Slowly he traces a thumb over her cheek, across her lips, down to her chin.
Her eyes open slowly and she looks at him sleepily.
He doesn’t say anything, just smiles at her.
She smiles back.
And finally the knot in his stomach disappears and he knows from now on things will be OK. Because this is the way things are supposed to be and should’ve been all along.
Fandom: Sea Patrol
Pairing: Mike/Kate
Spoilers: None
Words: 1757
Summary: 'Mike watches as they speak and it dawns on him that it’s his hesitation that lost him everything. In his fear to lose either the Hammersley or Kate he’s managed to lose them both.'
So we take a step into the light,
And I find the urge to fight for you,
Cos I know your colours seem to show,
And I think I could make them glow.
- Only One by Sing It Out Loud
i.
He watches as she speaks to the guy at the bar. She’s smiling, flirting in that way that used to be reserved for him and him alone. But more and more often he notices her doing it around other men.
It’s probably his fault - that much he knows - but he’d hoped after she had kissed him on the boat that things might have changed.
But the only thing that had changed since then was her distancing herself from him - as though she’d given up. Maybe she had.
He didn’t want that and suddenly he found himself panicking slightly inside.
What if he’d missed his chance?
The thought had been haunting him for months, but he wasn’t sure what scared him more. Changing how things were at that moment, or losing her forever? The idea that scares him most is leaving her alone on the Hammersley. Alone, in danger, every day.
She turns and smiles at him and he notes that instead of the usual warm feeling he has around her he just feels the knot in his stomach tying tighter. He forces a smile back and signals that he’s leaving.
He doesn’t really want to watch her hit on someone else.
ii.
He knows before she tells him. When she enters the bridge that morning she’s smiling in that way and there’s that small bounce in her step. He remembers it from Jarvis Bay. It used to be him causing that reaction.
Dutchy notices it too. Mike knows because he gives him a suspicious look, the same one Mike had given him only moments earlier. If he didn’t know better he would have assumed Dutchy was the other man - but he recognises that look because it’s reflected in his eyes.
This is someone else.
iii.
‘Dinner?’
She looks up at him in surprise and instantly her cheeks flush red.
‘I have plans.’
She’s hesitant as she talks and he knows straight away. He doesn’t say anything, he’s not entirely sure how to respond. But that feeling is back, that knot in his stomach and the nagging thought that he’s too late.
He watches as she gets in the next cab and instead of sharing with her like they often do he waits for the next one.
iv.
It wasn’t how he’d imagine that day. She was supposed to get promoted so she could be CO of Hammersley, then he would take a shore posting and they would live happily ever after. Two of those things were happening.
Instead of the third he’s standing in the corner of the bar watching. He’s there, the other guy. Nigel. What sort of name was Nigel anyway?
She hasn’t even bothered to introduce them, and he knows why. He probably looks like a grumpy old sulk sitting in the shadows and drinking a beer. Mike watches as they speak and it dawns on him that it’s his hesitation that lost him everything. In his fear to lose either the Hammersley or Kate he’s managed to lose them both.
And suddenly he feels completely empty.
In only a couple of months it feels like he’s gone from having everything to have nothing. And he has no one to blame but himself.
He looks up as Buffer slides into the chair next to him. No one else has spoken to him the whole night, and Dutchy disappeared pretty early on. Oddly enough he’d built some kind of strange bond with Dutchy in the past few weeks - as though he was the only other person who could understand.
But Mike realises there’s a third person who understands.
‘I have a bottle of Scotch waiting at home,’ Buffer says, taking a swig from his beer. ‘If you’re interested that is.’
Mike looks at Buffer and nods. He hasn’t seen the guy in almost a year but in that moment it doesn’t matter. He understands. And for just a moment Mike wonders if there’s anyone on Hammersley who’s not in love with her.
v.
The bottle is almost empty before they talk about it.
‘How long?’
They’ve been silent for a good ten minutes and it takes Mike a moment to adjust to the fact that they’re actually going to talk about it. For a moment he just stares at the Scotch glass in his hand and wonders if it’s really appropriate to discuss this with Buffer.
The alcohol tells him there’s no one else better to discuss it with.
‘Almost ten years,’ he pauses and looks at his ex-colleague.
There’s something there in Buffer’s eyes that tells him he understands exactly what he’s feeling. A part of him hates Buffer for it, because the man left the Hammersley and had every chance to make his move but didn’t. He wants to ask so many questions but he can’t find the words. Instead he settles on the simplest response.
‘You?’
It’s Buffer’s turn to pause and reflect; he looks at his glass for a moment and then back at Mike.
‘Since the day she walked on board.’
They fall silent again, the two of them staring at their glasses. After a few moments Mike holds up his glass.
‘To love.’
Buffer looks at him and holds up his glass, his eyes darkening with a hint of sadness. ‘To Kate McGregor.’
vi.
The day she knocks on his door, her eyes slightly red and her hair unbrushed, he hates to admit he feels slightly relieved.
‘I can’t do it.’
He wants to say so many things. He wants to hold her and tell her it’s OK, and he wants to tell her he loves her and he’s sorry. But he doesn’t.
‘Can’t do what?’ he responds.
She looks up at him in disbelief. ‘You never cease to astound me with your insensitivity.’
He’s not sure how he’s meant to respond to that, but he knows she’s right. He can’t help it, he always intends to say the right thing and it never comes out that way. He’s about to respond when she continues.
‘Yet here I am, it’s still your door I’m standing at. It’s still you I come to. I’ve tried my hardest to move on but - ‘ she pauses and looks at him. ‘I shouldn’t be here. Sorry.’
She turns to leave.
‘Kate.’
She stops and her shoulders slump. For a moment they both stand in silence on his doorstep and then slowly she turns around and looks up at him.
‘I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with you, but I can’t move on from you.’
And looking at her standing in front of him, weak and fragile, everything that Kate McGregor is not, he realises it’s not Nigel who’s done this to her.
It’s him. This is his fault.
And suddenly the knot in his stomach is tied so tightly he can hardly breathe.
‘Come inside. Please.’
She nods.
vii.
He hands her the tea and she half-smiles for a moment before it fades back to the blank expression she’s had since she walked through his door. He sits beside her and for a few minutes they’re sitting in silence as he watches her clutching the tea mug and tries to figure out what to say. Eventually she’s the one who breaks the silence.
‘Ten years, Mike.’
He’s not sure he can handle much more of this, of knowing it’s his fault - that he’s broken her - and he looks away.
‘How did it get so complicated?’ she whispers, followed by a deep breath and he realises she’s trying her best not to break down. ‘I’ve tried really hard - ‘
‘I know,’ he responds.
‘No, Mike, you don’t. You left me after Jarvis Bay. You stayed on the Hammersley. You never showed me you really cared and I can’t wait forever for someone when I have no idea how they feel. But I also can’t move on because…’ she trails off and looks at him. ‘I’ve tried, but I’m stuck, because I don’t know if I can be with you and I don’t think I can be without you.’
And now there are tears in her eyes and he’s not sure what he’s meant to do. He thinks about kissing her but he’s pretty sure that’s inappropriate. He thinks about telling her he loves her, but he doesn’t want to sound like he’s pulling moves from a romantic comedy. He thinks about touching her arm lightly, but he’s afraid how she’ll react.
‘Say something please,’ she whispers, looking up at him.
‘I’m sorry,’ is all he manages quietly. ‘I’m sorry for the last ten years. I’m sorry I left you and I’m sorry I didn’t leave the Hammersley sooner. I’m sorry I never told you how I felt and Kate I’m sorry I didn’t sweep you off your feet and ask you to marry me.’
They both fall silent for a moment and he’s aware neither of them are even breathing at the mention of the word ‘marry’. He hadn’t meant to say it, it had just escaped. And in no way was it a proposal, but it was something they rarely talked about and he knew it was something important to her.
‘Can we start again?’ he whispers.
She’s not smiling but her eyes have that slight sparkle he’s missed seeing there.
‘It’s not that simple,’ she replies.
‘Yeah, I didn’t think that would work,’ he smiles at her softly and hopes against all hope that she’ll smile back.
She does.
viii.
When he wakes the next morning she’s lying next to him, asleep, her hand lying lightly on top of his against the pillow. Nothing’s happened, he’s not the type of man to use a woman’s grief to get her in bed, but just knowing she stayed the night with him makes him feel better.
He watches her as she sleeps, her face is relaxed and he wonders if he’s imagining the slight smile on her lips. Slowly he traces a thumb over her cheek, across her lips, down to her chin.
Her eyes open slowly and she looks at him sleepily.
He doesn’t say anything, just smiles at her.
She smiles back.
And finally the knot in his stomach disappears and he knows from now on things will be OK. Because this is the way things are supposed to be and should’ve been all along.