safe [ 1/1 ]
Title: Safe
Fandom: Sea Patrol
Pairing: Buffer/Kate - also some Mike/Kate
Words: 2427
Spoilers: Episode tag for 4x16
Summary: 'She has no idea what she’s doing there, but she feels the need to be close to someone. Someone who isn’t Mike.'
It takes everything she has not to go straight to Mike’s place. She knows he won’t be there, Maxine had ordered him straight to the hospital even after his continual insistence that he was ‘fine’.
She’s half angry and half glad. It annoys her because in that moment every fibre of her being just wants to be with Mike, just to make sure he’s still alive - to check that yes it was just some horrible misunderstanding and he’d been fine all along. But she’s glad because she knows if Mike was at home she’d probably be standing at his front door at that moment with a bottle of wine and some takeaway Chinese food.
Instead she’s standing in front of Buffer’s with a six pack of beer and a pizza. She doesn’t even like pizza all that much, she knows he doesn’t either - but for some reason she feels like it.
She hasn’t really thought about the logistics of knocking on his door with her hands full so she kicks it instead. She has no idea what she’s doing there, but she feels the need to be close to someone. Someone who isn’t Mike, because she knows at that moment she's incredibly vulnerable and going to Mike’s place late at night is just going to result in something she’ll regret.
Buffer pulls open the door. She doesn’t get the smile she expects and she realises that she probably doesn’t look much like she’s in the mood for smiling.
‘Pizza and beer?’ she says instead.
‘I didn’t order anything,’ he jokes, pushing open the fly screen door and leaning against the wooden frame, a beer already in his hand.
‘Some company then?’ she doesn’t mean for her voice to crack as she says the words but it’s been an emotional day and she can’t take it anymore.
Buffer frowns and leans forward, taking the pizza box from her. He doesn’t say anything but nods for her to come inside. As she walks past him into the hallway she realises she’d forgotten exactly how comfortable she was with Buffer. He was her closest friend and she’d almost forgotten about him, often too preoccupied with reminding herself how she didn’t have feelings for him.
Even after he left the Hammersley and they could have been together.
Instead of facing the possibility that she could’ve had a nice, normal relationship with this man she’d chosen to basically cut contact with him and continue to pine over Mike.
The thought of Mike gets to her and she closes her eyes, taking in a deep breath and reminding herself that he’s OK. The feeling that he was gone was harder to shake than it had been to acquire. The way she was feeling at that moment was ridiculous - her common sense was telling her he was twenty minutes down the road at the Barry General Hospital, yet she was still stuck back on the bridge watching the explosion she was so sure was taking his life.
She doesn’t realise she’s stopped in the middle of the hallway until Buffer breaks the silence.
‘X,’ he whispers.
She opens her eyes to look at him and for a moment she can almost push aside the feeling that Mike is gone as she becomes lost in Buffer’s eyes. It's always his eyes. He's one of those people, the ones you can see straight through their eyes into their inner thoughts and feelings. She’s always felt comfortable around people she understands, and she knows that’s why she’s always been so comfortable around him.
Because of his eyes.
And at that moment he’s standing extremely close to her, the pizza box in his hand touching her arm lightly, as though he’s afraid to touch her himself but wants to make sure she knows he’s there if she needs him.
‘What’s wrong?’ he continues.
She feels her chest compressing as he speaks and she’s worried she’s about to start crying again. She doesn’t need anyone else to see her cry, not that day. She shakes her head and turns to head into his living room.
She doesn’t understand, she’s never had a problem speaking to Buffer about anything before, and here she is standing in house, clearly upset and not even speaking to him. She knows he has to be confused but she doesn’t want to appear weak anymore, she just wants to spend time with her friend and be happy.
She knows if she was at Mike’s place that he would grab her arm, call her by her first name and demand to know what’s wrong. But Buffer isn’t like that - Buffer is everything Mike’s not.
For a moment she pauses to wonder if maybe that’s why she feels so comfortable around him.
‘Need a bottle opener?’ Buffer asks from the doorway, watching her as she takes a seat on his couch.
Realising she doesn’t even know what beer she’s bought she looks at the six pack in front of her.
‘Australian,’ she replies, picking up a bottle and unscrewing the lid.
‘Want me to put the rest in the fridge?’ he asks.
She knows he won’t bring up why she’s there, but the concerned look in his eyes is starting to get to her. She can’t remember the last time anyone looked at her like that and she’s scared to admit to herself that she misses it.
‘Sure,’ she answers him.
He grabs the beer from in front of her, giving her another concerned look before heading to the kitchen. Settling into his couch she looks around. She’s only been to his place once before and at the time she hadn’t taken much notice of her surroundings.
He didn’t have much - that was something he had in common with Mike - although she was pretty sure that was a general Navy thing, because her house was pretty empty too.
Nothing about his living room surprises her. A fishing rod in the corner, an array of DVDs scattered on the table in front of her. The thing that catches her eye is a photo of him and his mother, sitting next to the DVDs. She knows how much his mother had meant to him, and how upset he’d been when she died.
She hadn’t understood that then - she’d never been overly close to anyone who had died, it was one of the advantages of living a lonely life. ET’s death had hit her pretty hard, but she hadn’t really understood how Nikki had felt until earlier that day.
Putting a hand over her mouth she tries to blink back the tears. She can’t cry in front of Buffer - she didn’t come to his place to cry. She’d come there for company. That was it.
He walks back in, two plates in his hand and sits down next to her. He sits closely and she welcomes the distraction. She needs to be close to someone, and before she’d turned up there she’d been so sure she just wanted company.
But now that she’s there she’s not sure - wondering if what she really wants is intimacy. She knows she can’t go to Mike so instead she’s here?
And suddenly she hates herself, she doesn’t want to use Buffer like that.
‘I should go,’ she tries to stand up but he pulls her back down, putting an arm around her.
She turns to look at him and now she knows she’s not hiding the tears in her eyes.
‘Not until you tell me what’s wrong, X.’
She looks up at him and the look in his eyes shocks her, like he would move the world for her if he could - if that would make her feel better - and somehow that just makes her feel worse.
She takes in a deep breath and tries to ignore the way he’s rubbing his thumb lightly against her shoulder. It’s a thing he does, something else she’s forgotten about since his departure from the Hammersley.
Suddenly a different kind of concern crosses his eyes, like something’s just dawn on him.
‘Is everyone OK?’ he asks, pausing before he continues. ‘The CO?’
She nods and wipes a tear from her cheek.
Damnit.
‘I thought he was dead, but he’s OK. He’s OK…’ she’s almost whispering but she knows he’s heard because she can see the pain of jealousy shoot through his eyes.
He doesn’t say anything, but tightens his grip around her slightly.
‘I almost killed the guy I thought did it,’ she continues. ‘Buff, I almost killed someone in cold blood.’
She’s almost sure she can see Buffer’s heart breaking in two as she breaks down completely and a moment later he pulls her closer to him. She can’t see his eyes anymore but she’s glad to be close to someone, to feel a protective arm around her.
‘It’s OK, Kate,’ he’s speaking almost as softly as she had. ‘I’ve been there, I almost killed someone in cold blood too - remember? You stopped me.’
She remembers, it had been the first moment she saw Buffer break down.
For a few moments they remain in complete silence, the pizza getting cold on the table in front of them and the beer doing the opposite. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t really feel like either of them.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she says, sitting up slightly and looking at him.
‘For what?’ he asks, seemingly surprised at her comment.
‘For crying on you,’ she laughs as she says it and is happy when he half smiles back.
It’s not until he reaches forward with his other hand to wipe away her tears that she feels it. The lust. She wants intimacy, wants to feel alive, and she wants more than anything to forget everything she’s been through that day.
‘Anytime, X,’ he whispers, the smile fading from both their faces as he places his whole hand on her cheek.
‘Buff…’
She breaks off, unsure what she’s about to say, and instead searches his eyes for the answer to the question she’s unsure she’s ready to ask.
He’s not going to make the first move, she knows him better than that - Buffer respects women more than any other man she’s ever met - but she has a feeling if she makes the move he won’t pull away.
Everything runs through her mind at once. Him breaking down when she stopped him killing that guy, the way he’d looked at her after the incident in the river where she’d played dead, his tattoo, the night on the pearling lugger -
And then her mind is blank and she’s leaning forward, placing a hand on his cheek as she kisses him.
His response isn’t exactly how she’s imagined it. There no passion or fire or lust - instead he’s kissing her slowly and softly, his hand slowly tracing down her arm and she’s surprised at how much she wants this.
He pauses, his lips still brushing lightly against hers and he takes in a deep breath.
‘Are you sure?’ he asks.
She doesn’t know how to answer him. She’s everything but sure. She knows it’s wrong, she knows she’s going to hurt him, that’s what she does. And she knows she’s using him.
But it’s not enough. For the first time in her life Kate McGregor can’t think of anything other than being close to Buffer and she whispers her response.
‘Yes.’
The word is met with a deepening of their kiss from Buffer. He’s found the passion, fire and lust and she wonders if he’d just been testing the water. To find out whether she was in it for him or for a distraction.
A wave of guilt and uncertainty hits her and it’s her turn to pull back from him just as his hands have found their way under her shirt to the skin of her back.
‘Buff…’ she whispers and she can see him trying to read her, trying to tell what she’s thinking. ‘I’m in love with him.’
She’s not sure why she’s admitting it when she’s spent so long hiding it from everyone - including herself. There’s no surprise in Buffer’s eyes as she says it, although she thinks for a moment she sees a slight hint of disappointment.
‘I know,’ he replies.
His words seem heavy and she wonders for exactly how long he’s known, and if it had anything to do with how little contact he’s made with her since his leaving the Hammersley. She’s trying to figure out how to respond when he leans down and kisses her again.
She understands now.
He’s doing this for her.
She tries to stop her eyes watering up again; she doesn’t want to do this - not to Buffer. But he’s not stopping and she needs the intimacy more than she ever has.
What hurts is that he understands. If she was using him and he was oblivious she knows she could push away her guilt.
But Buffer’s never been oblivious, not to anything.
He stops as he notices her crying, and this time he puts a little more distance between them
‘X, it’s OK,’ he whispers.
She shakes her head. It’s not. Nothing is OK.
‘You know what you really need is a good long rest,’ he says.
She feels empty as he pulls away from her, standing up and holding out a hand. She doesn’t want to leave the couch but she takes it and he pulls her towards him.
‘You should stay here,’ he whispers.
She grabs his hand as he wipes away another of her tears and holds it lightly against her cheek and nods.
‘OK.’
He leads her to his bedroom and she lies down, knowing there’s no point arguing with him about letting her go home. Not that she wants to be alone - but she feels guilty for even being there.
He switches off the light and starts to leave the room.
‘Stay,’ she whispers, suddenly afraid of the dark and of the nightmares she knows it’s going to bring.
He pauses in the doorway, his silhouette outlined by light spilling in from the street. Then after a moment he walks back towards her, climbing into the other side of the bed.
Her guilt fades slightly as she feels his warmth against her back, his arm slipping around her middle.
‘Night, X,’ he whispers.
She knows things aren’t going to be much easier the next day - but at least for that moment she has company.
And most importantly she feels safe.
Fandom: Sea Patrol
Pairing: Buffer/Kate - also some Mike/Kate
Words: 2427
Spoilers: Episode tag for 4x16
Summary: 'She has no idea what she’s doing there, but she feels the need to be close to someone. Someone who isn’t Mike.'
It takes everything she has not to go straight to Mike’s place. She knows he won’t be there, Maxine had ordered him straight to the hospital even after his continual insistence that he was ‘fine’.
She’s half angry and half glad. It annoys her because in that moment every fibre of her being just wants to be with Mike, just to make sure he’s still alive - to check that yes it was just some horrible misunderstanding and he’d been fine all along. But she’s glad because she knows if Mike was at home she’d probably be standing at his front door at that moment with a bottle of wine and some takeaway Chinese food.
Instead she’s standing in front of Buffer’s with a six pack of beer and a pizza. She doesn’t even like pizza all that much, she knows he doesn’t either - but for some reason she feels like it.
She hasn’t really thought about the logistics of knocking on his door with her hands full so she kicks it instead. She has no idea what she’s doing there, but she feels the need to be close to someone. Someone who isn’t Mike, because she knows at that moment she's incredibly vulnerable and going to Mike’s place late at night is just going to result in something she’ll regret.
Buffer pulls open the door. She doesn’t get the smile she expects and she realises that she probably doesn’t look much like she’s in the mood for smiling.
‘Pizza and beer?’ she says instead.
‘I didn’t order anything,’ he jokes, pushing open the fly screen door and leaning against the wooden frame, a beer already in his hand.
‘Some company then?’ she doesn’t mean for her voice to crack as she says the words but it’s been an emotional day and she can’t take it anymore.
Buffer frowns and leans forward, taking the pizza box from her. He doesn’t say anything but nods for her to come inside. As she walks past him into the hallway she realises she’d forgotten exactly how comfortable she was with Buffer. He was her closest friend and she’d almost forgotten about him, often too preoccupied with reminding herself how she didn’t have feelings for him.
Even after he left the Hammersley and they could have been together.
Instead of facing the possibility that she could’ve had a nice, normal relationship with this man she’d chosen to basically cut contact with him and continue to pine over Mike.
The thought of Mike gets to her and she closes her eyes, taking in a deep breath and reminding herself that he’s OK. The feeling that he was gone was harder to shake than it had been to acquire. The way she was feeling at that moment was ridiculous - her common sense was telling her he was twenty minutes down the road at the Barry General Hospital, yet she was still stuck back on the bridge watching the explosion she was so sure was taking his life.
She doesn’t realise she’s stopped in the middle of the hallway until Buffer breaks the silence.
‘X,’ he whispers.
She opens her eyes to look at him and for a moment she can almost push aside the feeling that Mike is gone as she becomes lost in Buffer’s eyes. It's always his eyes. He's one of those people, the ones you can see straight through their eyes into their inner thoughts and feelings. She’s always felt comfortable around people she understands, and she knows that’s why she’s always been so comfortable around him.
Because of his eyes.
And at that moment he’s standing extremely close to her, the pizza box in his hand touching her arm lightly, as though he’s afraid to touch her himself but wants to make sure she knows he’s there if she needs him.
‘What’s wrong?’ he continues.
She feels her chest compressing as he speaks and she’s worried she’s about to start crying again. She doesn’t need anyone else to see her cry, not that day. She shakes her head and turns to head into his living room.
She doesn’t understand, she’s never had a problem speaking to Buffer about anything before, and here she is standing in house, clearly upset and not even speaking to him. She knows he has to be confused but she doesn’t want to appear weak anymore, she just wants to spend time with her friend and be happy.
She knows if she was at Mike’s place that he would grab her arm, call her by her first name and demand to know what’s wrong. But Buffer isn’t like that - Buffer is everything Mike’s not.
For a moment she pauses to wonder if maybe that’s why she feels so comfortable around him.
‘Need a bottle opener?’ Buffer asks from the doorway, watching her as she takes a seat on his couch.
Realising she doesn’t even know what beer she’s bought she looks at the six pack in front of her.
‘Australian,’ she replies, picking up a bottle and unscrewing the lid.
‘Want me to put the rest in the fridge?’ he asks.
She knows he won’t bring up why she’s there, but the concerned look in his eyes is starting to get to her. She can’t remember the last time anyone looked at her like that and she’s scared to admit to herself that she misses it.
‘Sure,’ she answers him.
He grabs the beer from in front of her, giving her another concerned look before heading to the kitchen. Settling into his couch she looks around. She’s only been to his place once before and at the time she hadn’t taken much notice of her surroundings.
He didn’t have much - that was something he had in common with Mike - although she was pretty sure that was a general Navy thing, because her house was pretty empty too.
Nothing about his living room surprises her. A fishing rod in the corner, an array of DVDs scattered on the table in front of her. The thing that catches her eye is a photo of him and his mother, sitting next to the DVDs. She knows how much his mother had meant to him, and how upset he’d been when she died.
She hadn’t understood that then - she’d never been overly close to anyone who had died, it was one of the advantages of living a lonely life. ET’s death had hit her pretty hard, but she hadn’t really understood how Nikki had felt until earlier that day.
Putting a hand over her mouth she tries to blink back the tears. She can’t cry in front of Buffer - she didn’t come to his place to cry. She’d come there for company. That was it.
He walks back in, two plates in his hand and sits down next to her. He sits closely and she welcomes the distraction. She needs to be close to someone, and before she’d turned up there she’d been so sure she just wanted company.
But now that she’s there she’s not sure - wondering if what she really wants is intimacy. She knows she can’t go to Mike so instead she’s here?
And suddenly she hates herself, she doesn’t want to use Buffer like that.
‘I should go,’ she tries to stand up but he pulls her back down, putting an arm around her.
She turns to look at him and now she knows she’s not hiding the tears in her eyes.
‘Not until you tell me what’s wrong, X.’
She looks up at him and the look in his eyes shocks her, like he would move the world for her if he could - if that would make her feel better - and somehow that just makes her feel worse.
She takes in a deep breath and tries to ignore the way he’s rubbing his thumb lightly against her shoulder. It’s a thing he does, something else she’s forgotten about since his departure from the Hammersley.
Suddenly a different kind of concern crosses his eyes, like something’s just dawn on him.
‘Is everyone OK?’ he asks, pausing before he continues. ‘The CO?’
She nods and wipes a tear from her cheek.
Damnit.
‘I thought he was dead, but he’s OK. He’s OK…’ she’s almost whispering but she knows he’s heard because she can see the pain of jealousy shoot through his eyes.
He doesn’t say anything, but tightens his grip around her slightly.
‘I almost killed the guy I thought did it,’ she continues. ‘Buff, I almost killed someone in cold blood.’
She’s almost sure she can see Buffer’s heart breaking in two as she breaks down completely and a moment later he pulls her closer to him. She can’t see his eyes anymore but she’s glad to be close to someone, to feel a protective arm around her.
‘It’s OK, Kate,’ he’s speaking almost as softly as she had. ‘I’ve been there, I almost killed someone in cold blood too - remember? You stopped me.’
She remembers, it had been the first moment she saw Buffer break down.
For a few moments they remain in complete silence, the pizza getting cold on the table in front of them and the beer doing the opposite. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t really feel like either of them.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she says, sitting up slightly and looking at him.
‘For what?’ he asks, seemingly surprised at her comment.
‘For crying on you,’ she laughs as she says it and is happy when he half smiles back.
It’s not until he reaches forward with his other hand to wipe away her tears that she feels it. The lust. She wants intimacy, wants to feel alive, and she wants more than anything to forget everything she’s been through that day.
‘Anytime, X,’ he whispers, the smile fading from both their faces as he places his whole hand on her cheek.
‘Buff…’
She breaks off, unsure what she’s about to say, and instead searches his eyes for the answer to the question she’s unsure she’s ready to ask.
He’s not going to make the first move, she knows him better than that - Buffer respects women more than any other man she’s ever met - but she has a feeling if she makes the move he won’t pull away.
Everything runs through her mind at once. Him breaking down when she stopped him killing that guy, the way he’d looked at her after the incident in the river where she’d played dead, his tattoo, the night on the pearling lugger -
And then her mind is blank and she’s leaning forward, placing a hand on his cheek as she kisses him.
His response isn’t exactly how she’s imagined it. There no passion or fire or lust - instead he’s kissing her slowly and softly, his hand slowly tracing down her arm and she’s surprised at how much she wants this.
He pauses, his lips still brushing lightly against hers and he takes in a deep breath.
‘Are you sure?’ he asks.
She doesn’t know how to answer him. She’s everything but sure. She knows it’s wrong, she knows she’s going to hurt him, that’s what she does. And she knows she’s using him.
But it’s not enough. For the first time in her life Kate McGregor can’t think of anything other than being close to Buffer and she whispers her response.
‘Yes.’
The word is met with a deepening of their kiss from Buffer. He’s found the passion, fire and lust and she wonders if he’d just been testing the water. To find out whether she was in it for him or for a distraction.
A wave of guilt and uncertainty hits her and it’s her turn to pull back from him just as his hands have found their way under her shirt to the skin of her back.
‘Buff…’ she whispers and she can see him trying to read her, trying to tell what she’s thinking. ‘I’m in love with him.’
She’s not sure why she’s admitting it when she’s spent so long hiding it from everyone - including herself. There’s no surprise in Buffer’s eyes as she says it, although she thinks for a moment she sees a slight hint of disappointment.
‘I know,’ he replies.
His words seem heavy and she wonders for exactly how long he’s known, and if it had anything to do with how little contact he’s made with her since his leaving the Hammersley. She’s trying to figure out how to respond when he leans down and kisses her again.
She understands now.
He’s doing this for her.
She tries to stop her eyes watering up again; she doesn’t want to do this - not to Buffer. But he’s not stopping and she needs the intimacy more than she ever has.
What hurts is that he understands. If she was using him and he was oblivious she knows she could push away her guilt.
But Buffer’s never been oblivious, not to anything.
He stops as he notices her crying, and this time he puts a little more distance between them
‘X, it’s OK,’ he whispers.
She shakes her head. It’s not. Nothing is OK.
‘You know what you really need is a good long rest,’ he says.
She feels empty as he pulls away from her, standing up and holding out a hand. She doesn’t want to leave the couch but she takes it and he pulls her towards him.
‘You should stay here,’ he whispers.
She grabs his hand as he wipes away another of her tears and holds it lightly against her cheek and nods.
‘OK.’
He leads her to his bedroom and she lies down, knowing there’s no point arguing with him about letting her go home. Not that she wants to be alone - but she feels guilty for even being there.
He switches off the light and starts to leave the room.
‘Stay,’ she whispers, suddenly afraid of the dark and of the nightmares she knows it’s going to bring.
He pauses in the doorway, his silhouette outlined by light spilling in from the street. Then after a moment he walks back towards her, climbing into the other side of the bed.
Her guilt fades slightly as she feels his warmth against her back, his arm slipping around her middle.
‘Night, X,’ he whispers.
She knows things aren’t going to be much easier the next day - but at least for that moment she has company.
And most importantly she feels safe.