fic: still [ 1/1 ]
Title: Still
Fandom: Castle
Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Words: 780
Spoilers: 4x01
Summary: 'Most of all she was afraid of seeing Castle.'
She turned the page, not that she’d read anything that was on the page before it, but it just sort of felt like it was time to move onto the next chapter of the book.
She couldn’t even remember how many days she’d been there, stuck at her father’s house with nothing to do and nothing to think about except those words going around and around in her head, haunting her.
Half the time she wasn’t even sure what she concentrated on the most, the fact that he’d said it, or the fact that she’d ignored it and lied to him; that she’d told him she couldn’t remember.
Slowly shutting the book, she lay it on the table in front of her and looked out at the garden. Sitting outside was nice, but she wanted more than anything to jump up and go back to the precinct.
But she was afraid.
Not of facing the man who had tried to kill her, but that people would look at her differently. That they would pity her, that they would treat her differently. That Montgomery’s replacement would be someone horrible, or that everyone had discovered the truth about Montgomery’s death.
Most of all she was afraid of seeing Castle.
She glanced at her cell phone. At least once a day she would pick it up and stare at his number. Even though she hadn’t called it in months, it was still at the top of her ‘most dialled’.
But for some reason she couldn’t.
She knew that by not calling she was hurting him, but she also knew that by being around him she was hurting him and she didn’t know which one was worse.
Most of the time she wanted him to be there with her, to have his arms around her and hold her when she woke from the constant nightmares that were a mix of gunshots and confessions of love.
Each as scary to her as the other.
She wanted to tell him, tell him that she couldn’t be with him because then he would die, he would be gone like everyone else she had ever been close to. That she couldn’t be with him because she couldn’t let him in past her wall.
Even though he was already there every minute of every day.
Yet somehow, even though he’d pushed past her wall and found a way in, she wanted to believe he was on the other side of it still, trying to find the door. Because if he was already in there, and if she lost him in the way that he had almost lost her, she wasn’t sure she could survive.
Maybe it was best if she just stayed away from him, it wasn’t like a famous novelist would get himself into life threatening situations if it weren’t for her. Every time he was in danger it was because of her.
But her common sense told her that Castle wasn’t going to stay away. He was as addicted to solving crimes as he was to writing about them.
She realised she still had her phone in her hand and his name was still on the screen. For a moment she considered actually calling him, but then she’d left it so long and she wasn’t sure what to say.
And a part of her wondered why he hadn’t called her.
He’d said he loved her, right? So why hadn’t he called? Why hadn’t he turned up on the front doorstep of her father’s house and demanded to know why she was still hiding? Castle wasn’t the kind of person to hide. He was the guy who had turned up at her apartment late at night and told her to drop the case because of the people that loved her.
She’d challenged him about it, pushed for him to admit it, and she wasn’t sure if that was to punish him or to punish herself. And he hadn’t admitted it then, but he had now and what was she doing?
Hiding.
Not from the case, not from work.
From her feelings.
Maybe this was just some other stupid way to challenge him, to see if he’d be persistent, because if he really cared, if he actually loved her, he’d say it again, right?
She closed her eyes and let the sun soak in for a few moments. Two months of doing nothing was enough, she’d had enough.
Standing up she grabbed her book and her phone and turned around to head inside. She had to go back to work.
Either it would work as a distraction, or he’d be there and she’d be forced to deal with her emotions.
Fandom: Castle
Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Words: 780
Spoilers: 4x01
Summary: 'Most of all she was afraid of seeing Castle.'
She turned the page, not that she’d read anything that was on the page before it, but it just sort of felt like it was time to move onto the next chapter of the book.
She couldn’t even remember how many days she’d been there, stuck at her father’s house with nothing to do and nothing to think about except those words going around and around in her head, haunting her.
Half the time she wasn’t even sure what she concentrated on the most, the fact that he’d said it, or the fact that she’d ignored it and lied to him; that she’d told him she couldn’t remember.
Slowly shutting the book, she lay it on the table in front of her and looked out at the garden. Sitting outside was nice, but she wanted more than anything to jump up and go back to the precinct.
But she was afraid.
Not of facing the man who had tried to kill her, but that people would look at her differently. That they would pity her, that they would treat her differently. That Montgomery’s replacement would be someone horrible, or that everyone had discovered the truth about Montgomery’s death.
Most of all she was afraid of seeing Castle.
She glanced at her cell phone. At least once a day she would pick it up and stare at his number. Even though she hadn’t called it in months, it was still at the top of her ‘most dialled’.
But for some reason she couldn’t.
She knew that by not calling she was hurting him, but she also knew that by being around him she was hurting him and she didn’t know which one was worse.
Most of the time she wanted him to be there with her, to have his arms around her and hold her when she woke from the constant nightmares that were a mix of gunshots and confessions of love.
Each as scary to her as the other.
She wanted to tell him, tell him that she couldn’t be with him because then he would die, he would be gone like everyone else she had ever been close to. That she couldn’t be with him because she couldn’t let him in past her wall.
Even though he was already there every minute of every day.
Yet somehow, even though he’d pushed past her wall and found a way in, she wanted to believe he was on the other side of it still, trying to find the door. Because if he was already in there, and if she lost him in the way that he had almost lost her, she wasn’t sure she could survive.
Maybe it was best if she just stayed away from him, it wasn’t like a famous novelist would get himself into life threatening situations if it weren’t for her. Every time he was in danger it was because of her.
But her common sense told her that Castle wasn’t going to stay away. He was as addicted to solving crimes as he was to writing about them.
She realised she still had her phone in her hand and his name was still on the screen. For a moment she considered actually calling him, but then she’d left it so long and she wasn’t sure what to say.
And a part of her wondered why he hadn’t called her.
He’d said he loved her, right? So why hadn’t he called? Why hadn’t he turned up on the front doorstep of her father’s house and demanded to know why she was still hiding? Castle wasn’t the kind of person to hide. He was the guy who had turned up at her apartment late at night and told her to drop the case because of the people that loved her.
She’d challenged him about it, pushed for him to admit it, and she wasn’t sure if that was to punish him or to punish herself. And he hadn’t admitted it then, but he had now and what was she doing?
Hiding.
Not from the case, not from work.
From her feelings.
Maybe this was just some other stupid way to challenge him, to see if he’d be persistent, because if he really cared, if he actually loved her, he’d say it again, right?
She closed her eyes and let the sun soak in for a few moments. Two months of doing nothing was enough, she’d had enough.
Standing up she grabbed her book and her phone and turned around to head inside. She had to go back to work.
Either it would work as a distraction, or he’d be there and she’d be forced to deal with her emotions.