Comments | mullvaney: Bridgets Flame, week three story

mullvaney

Bridgets Flame, week three story

Aug 22, 2008 09:57

For those of you who aren't familliar with Bridgets Flame, the prompt this week was Canary in a Coal Mine. Fair warning: there's some offensive language, but nothing too bad.

( my entry for week three )

Comments 8

mermaidbia August 23 2008, 19:59:48 UTC

Teeheehee, the middle of this totally reminded me of Ford Prefect in "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe". And he's my favourite character of all time, so that's pluspoints for you. XD
Great, challenging writing, unpredictable, funny, and totally twisted ending. Loved it!

mullvaney August 24 2008, 12:05:33 UTC

Thank you, I'm glad you like it!

hello :) anonymous August 23 2008, 22:04:22 UTC

I'm your editor for this week. There were just a few spelling mistakes and a few times that you used "shitfaced" when it should be "shit-faced" and "nutjob" when it's two words ( ... )

Re: hello :) transitiongodin August 23 2008, 22:06:12 UTC

sorry about that! I didn't realize I wasn't logged in ( ... )

Re: hello :) transitiongodin August 23 2008, 22:06:49 UTC

last part ( ... )

slang_jockey August 27 2008, 00:21:07 UTC

Hello there, I'm one of your editors this week.

-and I can’t call the Sherriff, --sp. Sheriff

This probably sounds picky, but you used 'blearily' at least twice, and I would suggest replacing one of them with a synonym. Also, in the last paragraph, you use 'either' twice within one sentence of each other; you may want to remove or change one of those as well. Just watch for unnecessarily repetitive words.

This was very entertaining! I totally didn't see the ending coming. There really isn't much I would say to change. Good work.

siftingseaspray September 5 2008, 09:29:22 UTC

I like this, I love the character of Steve (Steve Bard, great name) and your set the scene very nicely and the story is really and the ending's a surprise! Oddly the alien reminded me a little of Percy Weasley.... now he would make a hilariously endearing drunk. I am kind of worried for Steve, though, if the aliens do invade.... Perhaps you should write a sequel...

mullvaney September 11 2008, 20:22:05 UTC

*hugs* Hi! Nice to see you around! I think I am going to keep Steve and Becky around, as well as Martin and Anna Bennet. I'm thinking they're going to have adventures . . . After all, I don't think Steve's little stunt is going to hold off the alien hordes :D

I'm glad you liked it; you should join Bridgets flame and try for yourself!