First story for September Bridgets Flame contest.

[mullvaney]

Here it is: no happy families, no bumbling, drunken aliens. The prompt was "mud', and this is waaaaay out of my comfort zone.

Comments

[desert_rose]

Hi there

Edit - part two

[desert_rose]

7. He was starting to get nervous, now, (replace the comma with a full stop, as this will improve the flow of this sentence) he had sunk in the mud up to his waist, and now there was no way he could get

Re: Edit - part two

[mullvaney]

Thanks for the edit! I made a lot of the changes you suggested, but I did keep a few things, style wise, that I had done intentionally. I wanted to refer to Will as 'he' throughout, I wanted the reader to be removed from Will, observing but not so much invested. More clinical.

I really apreciate your digging in to the little cracks in the piece; no matter how many times I proof something I still need someone else to look at it. Thanks for being so thorough!

Re: Edit - part two

[desert_rose]

You're most welcome!

That makes sense to be more clinical regarding refering to Will as he instead of using his name. Looking at your entry again, it really works doing it that way!

No one can proof their own work- even journalists are bad editors, which is why they all should have someone edit their copy before it goes to print.

So, don't feel bad for missing some things! You did a great job with this piece!

[megan29]

I finally got around to reading this. I had glanced at your comment before, and knew it would be a tough read, so I kept postponing. And boy, it really is a tough one. The last paragraph had me physically cringing. I love the contrast between his childish thoughts - which are still fairly unconcerned until almost the end - and the reality of what's happening. As an adult reader, you know he's doomed from the moment he gets in, and yet his sunny voice keeps you hoping that maybe it's a happy-ending story. Powerful writing.

[mullvaney]

Thank you! I firmly believe that all children have a certain self-destructive streak. My biggest nightmare has that my daughter will wander off and unwittingly get into this kind of trouble. In fact, I've probably traumatized the poor child with my over-protectiveness.

[megan29]

There is a fine line between protecting and overprotecting your child. I don't know the right balance from a parent's point of view. I only know that as a child I was forbidden to do almost anything on my own, even things that all other children were allowed. I did not rebel at the time, but I did grow to resent it bitterly as an adult. So my only advise is to think carefully in each instance before you tell your daughter "no," for unreasonable restrictions may come back to haunt you. If she's independent, she may take stupid risks just to defy you. And if she's not, she may grow up with phobias.

But alas, it is easy for me to preach, as I don't have children. I wonder if I'd still feel the same were I in your shoes...

Edit 2

[aisling87]

Hello! I am your primary editor for this round. If you would like to read a little bit about my editing style you may do so here.

I think that Desert_Rose already covered a lot of the flow and grammar concerns, so I'll just give you a brief overview of some other things I noticed.

You use the helper "had" a lot. There is nothing grammatically wrong with it, but in my opinion it tends to weaken the verb. I'd rather read about a character who did something than one who had done something. It diffuses the focus of the action of the sentence. Also, if you use it too often it can get redundant. Here are some places that I noticed you using it:
They had all had to stay in at recess the next day, too.
He had known he
the playground teacher had freaked out
the reason he had come here this morning
He had left a sticky note

I also noticed in your comment to Desert_Rose that you wanted to keep the reader seperated from Will in a clinical way. However, if that is your goal I think you need to reexamine some language choices. Take the following examples: