Comments | mullvaney: second entry for Brigit's Flame September contest

mullvaney

second entry for Brigit's Flame September contest

Sep 18, 2008 13:55

The prompt this week was "eternal". I really didn't think I could come up with anything; but this came to me as I was falling asleep last night.

( eternal as the stars )

Comments 13

cedarwolfsinger September 19 2008, 01:01:03 UTC

This is very awesome. Really awesome. Did I mention awesome? (Well it is the sacred triad, so I guess I can be quiet now.) Wow!

mullvaney September 19 2008, 13:23:58 UTC

Oh, thank you! I;m so glad you like it, it is my favorite thing I've written for Brigit' Flame so far. Thanks!

anyaxstrindberg September 19 2008, 05:17:02 UTC

I am dropping in because you are playing Elliot Smith and Rose Parade is one of my favorite songs ever. This is pure awesomeness on your part (and I must admit that i'm behind on whats what in terms of peoples writing projects! eek!)

mullvaney September 19 2008, 13:31:17 UTC

Thanks, Anya! I'm glad you like it, 'cause your writing is beyond awesome. I miss Lourdes! whine!

anyaxstrindberg September 20 2008, 03:51:02 UTC

(oh, I am actually writing lately...)

dreamifyed September 19 2008, 07:20:08 UTC

Is there a typo?

Your name could be writ in water, like your friend there, Keats,” he smiled.

I'm guessing you meant written.
But anyway, I liked this. I've never heard of people scattering their loved ones' ashes into space, but it's nice. I particularly liked this line: She was overcome; because she was thirteen, and any child is stupefied when their parent offers them the universe, but also because she knew her father could deliver on his words.

mullvaney September 19 2008, 13:38:13 UTC

Sorry, it's not a typo; Keat's epitaph is "Here lies one whose name was writ in water". I added small quotes, though.

No one, as far as I know, has had their ashes scattered in space, but wouldn't it be cool?

Thanks for reading; I'm glad you liked it!

mermaidbia September 19 2008, 19:26:25 UTC

Such a beautiful idea, so respectfully, almost shyly executed. Great, great work.

She was overcome, because she was thirteen, and any child is stupefied when their parent offers them the universe.

That bit. I wanna hang that on my wall.

mullvaney September 19 2008, 19:32:01 UTC

Thank you! If you really want to hang that phrase up; go ahead; I'm really happy that you like it so much.

Editor insolentscrawl September 21 2008, 04:11:32 UTC

Hi. I'm your first editor this week.

Let me start with saying that I absolutely love this entry. It's so easy to take an emotional topic and make it extremely emotional throughout. I love the subtle and reverant way the father is portrayed.

One suggestion I would make is putting a footnote on phrases in another language, thus indicating that a translation can be found at the end of the document. Even easier would be to put the translation in parenthesis next to the phrase, and then stating the source at the bottom.

The other thing that disrupted the flow is the way the first sentence is written. I would suggest breaking it up a little bit. Also, you might want to rephrase 'he smiled' to 'he said, smiling'.

Other than that, I didn't see anything jump out at me, grammatically.

Overall, I really think this is a beautiful and moving piece. Very well done.

Re: Editor mullvaney September 23 2008, 14:45:47 UTC

Thank you! I'm sorry I didn't get to edit this week; I had to write a paper, and I had put it off too long as it was, so I could write this.

I'm thinking of fitting this piece up for a short fiction contest, so I'm going to work on the first bit. I may have the father just tell the girl what the Latin phrase means.

Thanks for the edit, and I'm glad you liked my piece!