Comments | mullvaney: Bridget's Flame, November contest, week two, "Dine"

mullvaney

Bridget's Flame, November contest, week two, "Dine"

Nov 13, 2008 22:36

Preparing dinner had always been Jeffrey’s favorite task of the day. He fantasized about it all day at work, and fidgeted impatiently in his seat on the bus, going over each step of the preparation in his mind on the way home ( Read more... )

Comments 11

hathakleen November 14 2008, 20:49:39 UTC

Heh, my first guess was a pumpkin or squash of some kind, but then I got worried it was something more sinister, only to find out I got it right the first time.

Very nice.

mullvaney November 14 2008, 21:54:29 UTC

Yeah, I really couldn't write something like that. It was fun to imply I could, though.

mullvaney November 16 2008, 01:49:01 UTC

I had meant to ask for a grammar edit this week (I always do) so fire away, and let me know where I'vescrewed up!

Editing time! kenderlord November 16 2008, 02:26:20 UTC

... I see what you're trying to do, here! You sneaky person.

Then, I've never actually seen The Silence of the Lambs, but you weren't counting on me to have had seen it; you just wanted me to pick up on fava beans, chianti, and rare meats, and draw the obvious conclusion: that Jeff is totally eating someone's brains.

I think conceits like this are delightful, and I pretty much always want them pushed farther. The point of this piece is that it's essentially a joke, right - like all jokes, the payoff is the sudden reversal of expectation at the end, blah blah, you get me. I think that jokes are funnier when the difference between expectation and result is greater, and thus I would counsel you to milk this gag for all it's worth.

This is, of course, my preference. Your mileage may vary.

I've never seen Hostel. Nor have I ever seen any of the Saw movies. Indeed, I have no desire to see them whatsoever but I think we can draw a valuable lesson from the theme of, er, if we may call it this, the torture-porn genre, or, if you like ( ... )

Re: Editing time! mullvaney November 16 2008, 15:07:31 UTC

Thanks for the edit! I do have difficulty taking things over the top, and I also have trouble taking a distatsteful subject to the fullest extent. I can conceive it, but I'm too polite to go through with it.

I have to say, it was hard to find a bunch of terms to describe a round-ish object; that was most of the fun. I'm going to go back and look at this later; right now I have to go do some errands.

I agree, the food prompts are causing me to over-eat!

Re: Editing time! lacombe November 21 2008, 04:39:21 UTC

Wow, I totally missed the SOTL reference! What an awesome extra dimension!

Re: Editing time! mullvaney November 21 2008, 16:04:57 UTC

LOL. thanks, it was super fun to write!

innana88 November 17 2008, 10:57:57 UTC

Oh, this was so much fun! I was kind of mentally reading it with my hands over my face, so when the reversal happened, I felt so silly! It was great!

mullvaney November 17 2008, 14:56:41 UTC

Thank you!

Your Editor! lacombe November 21 2008, 04:32:45 UTC

Heya! ::: rolls up sleeves :::

favorite task of the day. He fantasized about it all day - I would avoid repeating the word "day" so quickly here ( ... )

Re: Your Editor! mullvaney November 21 2008, 16:04:32 UTC

Thanks for the edit, Jacques! I was really nervous this week, to have two such fine editors, but you've both been very kind, despite my request to "let me have it"

You are right, and I need to redo this as an observation of someone's passion; it's too clinical as is.

Are you still writing for the contest incognito?