Comments | mullvaney: Bridget's Flame, November contest, week three, "Limelight"

mullvaney

Bridget's Flame, November contest, week three, "Limelight"

Nov 18, 2008 23:15

This is something I wrote a long, long time ago. It was originally fanfiction; I dusted it off, took out all references to the work it was derived from, and here it is ...

( On Display )

Comments 8

jamais_toujours November 22 2008, 15:54:12 UTC

Ohhh I loved this! The scene was set brilliantly in this. Good luck this week!

mullvaney November 23 2008, 23:35:23 UTC

Thank you! I'm glad you like it. Good luck to you this week!

wierdauntie November 22 2008, 20:45:02 UTC

delightful set-up for a romance, laced with spy action and potential skulduggery!

mullvaney November 23 2008, 23:36:55 UTC

Hey, you're right! This is part of a novel that has all those aspects. Thank you!

innana88 November 22 2008, 23:39:06 UTC

This was so vivid! Wow. Seriously, I'm totally impressed with how much you said and described with so little text. I seriously need to come back and reread a few times so I can can learn a thing or two about how you did this.

mullvaney November 23 2008, 23:38:47 UTC

Thank you! This is a really distilled story; I've been over it several times, each time adding some words and taking some away.

Edits! jamais_toujours November 26 2008, 21:01:58 UTC

Heya, it turns out I'm actually one of your editors this week :). Sorry I'm a bit late, I've been kind of snown under with school stuff.

I had to try really hard to find anything that could be improved on in this piece because I liked it so much, and even the following are kind of nit-picking:
1. Well, the end of her first ball. - After reading through the piece, I got the impression that the ball was just starting with the entry of the young girls, not finishing (After everyone was announced, they would perform a well-rehearsed and much-hated figure dance; then they were free to mingle as they wished.). Do you mean she couldn't wait for it to end or is it in fact the end of the ball? I'd suggest making this a bit clearer, or changing it.

2. Her dark brown hair was piled on top of her head in the latest style from France - I could be wrong, but I thought the piece was set in France? If it is, saying that Lucrezia had the latest hairstyle FROM France sounds a bit strange. I'd suggest changing it to "the latest style to be favoured ( ... )

desert_rose November 29 2008, 10:12:37 UTC

Hi there ( ... )