I don't think I have any advice, but wanted to say I've been reading and still love your writing. I especially enjoyed 'grandma's' voice, areal character, and I love the immediacy of the opening. Maybe you could have a moment of silence at the end to bring it back round to the opening line...guess I had a suggestion after all!
innana88 and I are teaming up to do an edit on your piece.
Let's get to it, right?
I was confused. I'll say that. For whatever reason, on the first read it was not immediately clear that the ghost of Bonnie's mother took midnight strolls through her daughter's house and watched the kids.
Perhaps it is the matter of attribution, and the way you just throw out all those names at once; when Grandma Anne-Jane mentions the trinity, her attributions don't line up. Look:
“Goodnight, little Anne-Jane, my little namesake Goodnight, Mike. Goodnight, Bonnie-my-love.” I slip to the doorway, and blow kisses back at them: my daughter, her husband, their child. A more sacred trinity than any that consists of only men.right now it matches up backwards, in reverse order to how she addressed them. This is, well. Kind of a major detail, because it could lead the reader to think that Anne-Jane is the grandmother's daughter. Even though she's obviously not, even though you've pointed out as much earlier. But this section in particular is
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Thanks for the edit! So-I was going for subtle, but what I wrote is opaque. Honestly, do you think this is salvageable? I'm willing to scrap the end altogether ...
I do think it's salvageable, certainly! Haha, don't talk that way.
It isn't completely opaque, but it does want a little clarity in places.
You _could_ scrap the ending. I'm not sure if I'd miss it _so_ much, but I think that the note of finality in saying goodbye to Grandma Anne-Jane is important. I'd figure out a way to keep it. On Anne-Jane: That name is, I regret to say, a really unwieldy one for me to say aloud. I apologize if it's a real name of a person you know and care about a lot. I think it's my midwestern accent, but it just comes out as this awful, nasal trainwreck.
Oh, it is more than salvageable! I really enjoyed it!
I agree that the ending could be scrapped. I think it can just end with the grandmother walking away OR having her daughter wake up just after she leaves the room and having the goodbye there instead. This might work better if the story is told from the grandmother's perspective in third person instead. It won't be such a jarring shift.
If the grandmother is just sticking around for the baby, it might serve the piece well to have some mention of her daughter and newborn being just home from the hospital. Otherwise, I'm left wondering why she stuck around to see the baby if the baby's been around for awhile. By the way she's sleeping, it seems like she's older than a newborn.
Contrary to kenderlord, I was clued in pretty early on that grandma was a ghost. Perhaps some line about her not making any creaks even if they were possible in that house would clue folks in sooner
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Comments 5
*hugs*
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innana88 and I are teaming up to do an edit on your piece.
Let's get to it, right?
I was confused. I'll say that. For whatever reason, on the first read it was not immediately clear that the ghost of Bonnie's mother took midnight strolls through her daughter's house and watched the kids.
Perhaps it is the matter of attribution, and the way you just throw out all those names at once; when Grandma Anne-Jane mentions the trinity, her attributions don't line up. Look:
“Goodnight, little Anne-Jane, my little namesake Goodnight, Mike. Goodnight, Bonnie-my-love.” I slip to the doorway, and blow kisses back at them: my daughter, her husband, their child. A more sacred trinity than any that consists of only men.right now it matches up backwards, in reverse order to how she addressed them. This is, well. Kind of a major detail, because it could lead the reader to think that Anne-Jane is the grandmother's daughter. Even though she's obviously not, even though you've pointed out as much earlier. But this section in particular is ( ... )
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So-I was going for subtle, but what I wrote is opaque. Honestly, do you think this is salvageable? I'm willing to scrap the end altogether ...
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It isn't completely opaque, but it does want a little clarity in places.
You _could_ scrap the ending. I'm not sure if I'd miss it _so_ much, but I think that the note of finality in saying goodbye to Grandma Anne-Jane is important. I'd figure out a way to keep it. On Anne-Jane: That name is, I regret to say, a really unwieldy one for me to say aloud. I apologize if it's a real name of a person you know and care about a lot. I think it's my midwestern accent, but it just comes out as this awful, nasal trainwreck.
-D
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I agree that the ending could be scrapped. I think it can just end with the grandmother walking away OR having her daughter wake up just after she leaves the room and having the goodbye there instead. This might work better if the story is told from the grandmother's perspective in third person instead. It won't be such a jarring shift.
If the grandmother is just sticking around for the baby, it might serve the piece well to have some mention of her daughter and newborn being just home from the hospital. Otherwise, I'm left wondering why she stuck around to see the baby if the baby's been around for awhile. By the way she's sleeping, it seems like she's older than a newborn.
Contrary to kenderlord, I was clued in pretty early on that grandma was a ghost. Perhaps some line about her not making any creaks even if they were possible in that house would clue folks in sooner ( ... )
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