oh my. You had me "stuck" on the guy with his description. ;) And his 'poetry on the spot' makes for intelligehnce. Smart woman grabbing her bag to follow. Delightful story. :)
First of all, I loved this piece. The description of the man is intriguing and makes his gesture of hopping on stage a surprise - poets are not normally depicted as big, burly men like the one you have created. I like how though his words are public, they convey a private message between himself and the narrator. I love the impulsive natures of both characters, and I think that this is a great twist on the usual girl-meets-boy story, and in my opinion is all the more romantic for this. The last line is perfect and leaves you wanting to read more.
Spelling and punctuation are perfect, but I'm not sure about your tense. In the first paragraph, you have put everything in the past, but in the rest of the piece you have used the present tense.
Thanks for the edit, I'm glad you like it! and "your spelling and punctuation are perfect"-I think I'm going to frame that and hang it in my office; I doubt I'll ever hear it again! :D I changed the first phrase to "he was sitting in my section." I wanted to show that he had sat there when she wasn't looking. I think 'sitting in' works better. Good luck to you this week!
Re: Edits!kenderlordFebruary 14 2009, 05:17:00 UTC
Oh.... this is _tasty_. This is a fine, fine piece.
Hi! It's David. I'm your other editor, and this microfiction has the depth and richness of a great cup of turkish coffee. It's gritty and warm and sweet and I liked it a great deal.
I have nothing substantive to say in a critical sense about this piece except that I'd like another, please.
I saw the Atlas as much younger on the first readthrough. I don't know why. He behaves like a young man. -D
Thanks, David! This is high praise indeed, especially considering the source. Oh, how I love Turkish coffee!
I think of Martin (Atlas) as in his mid 30's. He does behave like a young man, at this point in his life. I've written him beofre, and he grows up eventually ;D
You get the seamless exposition award of the week. I loved it. I knew who the characters were, where they were...well as much as I needed to know...and the end didn't leave me so unsatisfied that I was mad, only curious. My only thought would be to make "His name’s Martin, and he’s new around here (as if I didn’t know)." the first line. It's a good opener. Good luck!
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First of all, I loved this piece. The description of the man is intriguing and makes his gesture of hopping on stage a surprise - poets are not normally depicted as big, burly men like the one you have created. I like how though his words are public, they convey a private message between himself and the narrator. I love the impulsive natures of both characters, and I think that this is a great twist on the usual girl-meets-boy story, and in my opinion is all the more romantic for this. The last line is perfect and leaves you wanting to read more.
Spelling and punctuation are perfect, but I'm not sure about your tense. In the first paragraph, you have put everything in the past, but in the rest of the piece you have used the present tense.
Excellent piece and good luck this week :).
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Hi! It's David. I'm your other editor, and this microfiction has the depth and richness of a great cup of turkish coffee. It's gritty and warm and sweet and I liked it a great deal.
I have nothing substantive to say in a critical sense about this piece except that I'd like another, please.
I saw the Atlas as much younger on the first readthrough. I don't know why. He behaves like a young man.
-D
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I think of Martin (Atlas) as in his mid 30's. He does behave like a young man, at this point in his life. I've written him beofre, and he grows up eventually ;D
I'll try to write you another in March :D
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