I enjoyed this a lot, but I'm finding a number of stylistic inconsistencies; if they were tightened this piece would be even stronger.
I think I see what you're doing - this story is meant to summon up the England-that-never-was, the Merrie-Old one.
And there are just some constructions that you use, that, while certainly grammatically correct and otherwise acceptable, take me out of the 17th/18th century-ness. I'll explain.
I associate this kind of story with a definite type of literary register, and one that remains consistently within the confines of archaic speech. First sentence? Fabulous. Second sentence? Fabulous. Third and fourth sentences? They smack of modernism. It might just be that phrase "the only sounds were". I don't know, make of it what you will. But here's how I hear those sentences:
The road was fat with silence, save for the chirring of frogs and the thudding of his horse's hooves.I just don't think there's room in a story like this for anything to Just Be. I think
( ... )
Thanks, David. I agree with you about the stylization; this needs more archaic language, and I also want to develop the scene when the king's men show up at Jenny's door.
I had meant this to take place in colonial Massachussets, sometime around 1750-70. I don't think the language in the colonies was as formalized as it would have been in England at the time. Still, I think I'm going to steal the phrase you wrote for Jenny :D
Again, thanks for the edit; I plan to submit this (I'm always getting calls for submission in my inbox), so your thoughts are invaluable.
I'm somewhat confused. According to the editing chart, I now have an edit for this piece. However, I soldier forward and hope this isn't a problem. On to the edits:
I was so completely sucked into this that I couldn't take notes on the first read through. Kudos!
There don't appear to be any major issues with the story other than the things Kenderlord already pointed out. So I will have to bow to your skill and say again: lovely, lovely story.
Comments 14
I enjoyed this a lot, but I'm finding a number of stylistic inconsistencies; if they were tightened this piece would be even stronger.
I think I see what you're doing - this story is meant to summon up the England-that-never-was, the Merrie-Old one.
And there are just some constructions that you use, that, while certainly grammatically correct and otherwise acceptable, take me out of the 17th/18th century-ness. I'll explain.
I associate this kind of story with a definite type of literary register, and one that remains consistently within the confines of archaic speech. First sentence? Fabulous. Second sentence? Fabulous. Third and fourth sentences? They smack of modernism. It might just be that phrase "the only sounds were". I don't know, make of it what you will. But here's how I hear those sentences:
The road was fat with silence, save for the chirring of frogs and the thudding of his horse's hooves.I just don't think there's room in a story like this for anything to Just Be. I think ( ... )
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I had meant this to take place in colonial Massachussets, sometime around 1750-70. I don't think the language in the colonies was as formalized as it would have been in England at the time. Still, I think I'm going to steal the phrase you wrote for Jenny :D
Again, thanks for the edit; I plan to submit this (I'm always getting calls for submission in my inbox), so your thoughts are invaluable.
Good luck to you this week!
Reply
-D
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I was so completely sucked into this that I couldn't take notes on the first read through. Kudos!
There don't appear to be any major issues with the story other than the things Kenderlord already pointed out. So I will have to bow to your skill and say again: lovely, lovely story.
Reply
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