Comments | mullvaney: Bridget's Fame, March week three entry

mullvaney

Bridget's Fame, March week three entry

Mar 22, 2009 08:25

this is an eleventh-hour idea; I haven't had time to fully develop it, or, well, even run a spell check. Horrifying errors of grammer may be contained herin ;-D

( The Night Horses )

Comments 11

Second Editor! [1/2] dragon_gypsy April 4 2009, 17:53:09 UTC

Hey there! So sorry for the nearly two-week delay! I'm one of your editors from week three (well, my writing journal is past0rl_insanty). I'll try not to include what harlotbug3 included for edits, but I'm sorry for any repeats :D

A few general notes before I start regarding grammar and the like!
- You abuse the semi-colon. I used to do that a lot when I first started writing, and my friend told me "semi-colons are for text books, not for literature". Cut down on your semi-colons. Some could be replaced by colons, some could simply use a regular conjunction, others can be easily made into new sentences. I highlighted quite a few when I read through it, but I probably won't mention them all.
- Almost every time you have 'and' you put a comma. I think like... once you didn't. It's not always needed. I did highlight quite a few, but I won't comment on most of them.
- Your tone isn't exactly completely passive, but there are a few cases where it does go into passive tense. But I didn't quite feel a sense of movement behind some of the passages, for a different ( ... )

Second Editor! [2/2] dragon_gypsy April 4 2009, 17:53:32 UTC

comfortable, and wait: No comma.

There seemed to be fewer of them tonight, but perhaps not.: Either there is or there isn't. You say later that, yes, each night fewer come, so maybe be a little more decisive on this statement.

an hallucination: Because you vocalize the 'h', it has to be 'a hallucination'.

firey eyes: fiery

any more: One word.

the windowsill.
One night,: Watch the spacing. Should have an extra line break.

One night, they [...] them from her window: Waaaaay too many commas here. A lot of this can be rearranged with fewer commas. (One night as they thundered past her gate, she imagined that they looked up at her as they passed, watching her watching them from her window) Or something like that. Make sense how you can remove so many commas?

thy all were: They were all. In this case, you're going to want to go ahead and put 'were' in front of 'all'.

hoofbeats; it seemed that this night there was only one horse left: 'Hoofbeats' is two words. Semi-colon should be a period. And 'it seemed' is too weak for the ( ... )