REPOSTING: My soul sees yellow on you.
Title: My soul sees yellow on you
Pairing: OnKey, slight 2Min
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It's in the mist of caos and depression that true colors come out, not for eyes to see for the soul to contemplate.
A/N: Okay, don't ask me how i did it, how i literally manage to squish some time into my schedule to write this, but OMG I DID IT :D. i've had the idea of writting this swirling inside my muddy mind for quite a bit, it i could finally transform it into words :). This fic is entirely dedicate to my awesome rea unnie owlbee !. This is for you unnie :), cause i know you've been going through some really though hardships and these is the least i can do to make you smile hehe ^^. Hope you like it!! and to all my loyal readers THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS SUPPORTING MEEE!! :D. The song i chose for this fic is called Storm by Lifehouse. It one of my favorite lyrics btw, with a really meaninful message so i hope you like it!
My soul sees yellow in you.
Art is unquestionably one of the purest and highest elements in human happiness.
It trains the mind through the eye, and the eye through the mind.
As the sun colors flowers, so does art color life.
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“There’s not a solid pattern to follow in this kind of situations… You may be back to normal tomorrow, or next year. There’s no certainty in this.”
Soft hand gripped an equally soft one under the table. Kim Kibum could feel a deep moisture in his soul, but all his life he had been educated to be a man and endure pain, so all he could do was bit his lip and nod as the best ophthalmologist in Korea was kindly telling him he would probably be colorblind for the rest of his life.
I’m not ready… Bottom lip quivered, but mouth was kept shut. A tender thumb rubbed comforting circles in the back of his hand, and as Kibum half listened to the Doctor’s recommendations, he slowly directed his dull eyes towards the crystal window at his right. Gray leaves swayed swiftly in the chilly air as the last remanding pieces of winter clung to the trees like death weight. Kibum’s eyes stared blankly at the way that colorless landscape mocked his condition.
It had come silently, taking him without notice that breezy morning. He remembered waking up in the safe embrace of his husband’s arms, and deciding against his will to open his coffee colored eyes, the sight that greeted him afterwards was the sight of a brand new world; A death new world.
“Let’s go baby. Let’s go home.” That warm breath tickled the 24 year old’s ear, feeling the older man leaning against him while sliding a soft heavy arm over his shoulders. Lifelessly, the young married couple bid their goodbyes, agreeing with the specialist about an upcoming visit next month. Both males tried to ignore the soft whispers directed at their way, trying desperately to ignore all those stares of sympathy.
Lee Jinki wanted to scream at some power above for playing with his happiness like this. Dreamy adventures starring a Hawaiian honeymoon seemed surreal at the moment, almost like a blurry fantasy that had once muddied an equally blurry mind, and the older male could only scowl and kick himself for not seeing the obvious signs that had been blinking before his eyes. He should’ve known it was not normal for his husband to rub his eyes while staring at the huge colorful bouquet of flowers at their hotel suit with a pained expression on his face. It was obvious something was extremely wrong when Key asked for help to find his favorite pink sweater when it was standing right before him, hanging among gray ones in their walking closet.
“I’ll get it.” The younger male nodded numbly, watching without emotion as his husband opened the passenger door swiftly, taking his hand softly to guide him into the warmness of the vehicle.
A soft purr rolled all over him, awakening his mind from its dull state. As grayish trees morphed into a messy shape by the sidewalk, all Kibum could do was press his head against the cold window, trying to find some kind of self comfort with the way the sun remained tall above the sky, unchanging, never wavering. Life was still as colorful as ever, it was him that had lost the ability to see its gloriousness, and that thought alone was enough to make a small amount of him die internally. Fingers softly entwined themselves with his own frozen ones, making him stare quietly as the older male soflty lifted their hands to his lips. Wedding bands glistened brightly as the sunlight pierced the windshill, making small glimmering shapes over the car’s obscure interior.
“It’s a cold morning.” Indeed Kibum thought, sighing softly as Jinki placed their hands between the seats, never leaving the twisted grasp.
Soon the sight of the apartment complex started shaping before his eyes, and a sudden sense of relief washed over the young male as the car halted to a stop a few minutes later. Jinki kept his mouth shut as his husband quickly scurried out of the car into the tall building. He felt powerless, utterly disarmed as he quietly locked the SUV. If this was a test, he must have failed by now, cause nobody had taught him how to ebb pain.
He wanted to dream everything away. He wanted to fantasize that rather than the cold streets of Korea, him and Kibum were walking down the shore of those sunny Hawaiian beaches, letting the warm sun toast their skin into cinnamon. While he walked towards the elevator, he closed his eyes and imagined kissing his lover’s bare shoulder while both of them stared at the sunset over their suite; sweet nothings murmured into the wind as kisses traveled to more foreign places.
Reality crashed beautifully into his fantasy world though, and as the metal doors opened to greet the ninth floor of his residence, he committed himself to dream about those wishes later. Arriving at the studio apartment with the number 202 labeled on the door, the 26 year old quietly slipped inside the unusually still space.
“Baby? Where are you…” The words died in Jinki’s tongue as he gazed the kneeling figure at the far end of the large living room. Kibum was staring absentmindedly at the colorful mural covering the bare wall at the left side of the room.
With eyes glazed over, Kibum’s hands trailed the rough contours of the paint. A painter was born and later on died in his own world full of color, a world only meant to be shown to the others with oily paints and bare canvas. Hands started trembling with emotions as eyes welled up with pin-up emotions. He felt nude, somehow raped by reality, and a few minutes later he screamed. Strong arms wrapped around him in seconds, arming him and building him back together.
Hold me… Oh god, hold me Sobs turned into desperate whispers as words were slurred into his ears. Jinki tried to grip as much of his lover as possible, tying him to the ground with his embrace. Peppering the younger one with kisses, numb fingers trailed the shaking arms, coaxing them to warmth. Jinki found himself wondering as he rocked them both to comfort, who he was holding on to exactly, cause his arms as they circled themselves around the trembling body, drawing it towards his chest, somehow reached out enough to grip the edges of his navy blue sweater with an alarming strenght, like keeping him together.
“I’m losing myself.” Kibum couldn’t remember how long he had been holding on to his husband, probably hours, but he felt like slipping away as time passed by. He felt his life sliding through his fingers like sand as he let himself be carried towards the master bedroom. Bed sank minutes later, arms nimbly circling around his waist while his back molded against a toned chest.
“I’ve got you... in every single way.” The soft murmur tickled the younger one as the breath clawed its way to his neck.
Darkness surrounded him as the moon lighted the room in such etherealness that he could almost swear it was heaven right there; he could almost taste the holiness. Facing the wide crystal wall showing the view of an illuminated city, he let the soft tears fall. Tears of cope, since he felt like part of him had died that morning. Tears of sorrow, since he felt he let the love of his life down. Tears of comfort, since he at least had Jinki to hold him and mold him with his never fading love.
“We’re gonna be okay.” A trembling hand found its way towards his dull one, and he could almost feel their wedding rings clinging softly with each shake.
He closed his eyes then, letting his tears fall as he tried to ignore the way another set of tears rolled over the back of his neck. He desperately tried to lull himself to sleep with the sound of Jinki’s muted sobs.
He gripped their tied hands tighter, dreaming about being in some warm unknown paradise, with the never ending blue as their roof, the toasty warm earth beneath as their floor and only their love to nurture them.
That was the last time he dreamt, letting the nightmares in.
“I don’t know Taemin… it just happened…” It was hard to ignore the devastated look the young couple portrayed at those moments, but surely Kibum tried. It was enough seeing Jinki’s hopeful eyes every morning, and it was simply too much the way he had to crush his hopes each and every single time with a lonely and empty head shake.
So when he saw the corner of those big doo eyes welling up with tears, he tiredly diverted his eyes towards the lonely flower pot by the kitchen, wishing for a moment to be deaf and completely void of vision. A strong arm around his shoulder pulled him out of his thoughts, making the process of coping much harder.
As far as he remembered, Lee Taemin has never been the strong type. The young boy with soft caramel hair, expressive round eyes and never ending smiles was the type of person that needed company and attention 24/7. Knowing him almost all his life, Kibum knew the news of his condition were gonna strike that young fragile heart in a very painful manner, and he thanked God right there for letting Choi Minho step into the picture.
He could not fathom the idea of Taemin having to deal with the reality of his best friend, his motherly friend, suffering from such devastating disease, and watching with dull eyes the young one crying his heart out in the chest of his lover, Key clawed his feline orbs in the tall male soothing the 20 year old in his arms.
Make it better for him Round eyes narrowed significantly before a curt nod was directed towards the married couple sitting at the other side of the living room.
“It’s okay Taeminnie… it’s not like Kibum died or something. His life is gonna be a black and white Polaroid from now on. Key likes polaroids.” The corners of the older male’s lips curled upwards, trying to comfort the 20 year old sobbing softly with happy analogies.
“It’s a lot to process you know? You were just fine last week, and now-” A large lump formed itself in the throat of the tall male, making him cough while diverting his eyes towards the window. Kibum could feel his heart constricting with the sight of his friends’ suffering. He felt lost, utterly hopeless as he watched how happiness was being eaten away slowly by sorrow. As quietly as possible, he rested his head against his husband’s shoulder, seeking some kind of comfort while trying hard to find some bright sight to all of this. Nothing seemed hopeful enough, so he voiced the only thing that he could come up to in those strange painful moments.
“Look at the bright side… I won’t be able to wear that horrible hot pink sweater you both hate…” His voice was whispered, void of emotions, but the way both males wiped their head in his direction, an incredulous expression caking their features like saying He can’t be serious was enough to crack a laugh out of his lover.
He hadn’t realized just how much he had missed Jinki’s laughter. Watching the way his eyes crinkled in that loveliness that had his heart fluttering reminded him that the older one’s true nature was to smile. Cupping his husband’s cheeks in a tender fashion, he didn’t fail to place a chaste kiss upon those plush lips, trying to absorb as much of that smile as possible. I miss your smile Jinki softly placed a kiss upon his forehead, murmuring a soft I love you into the pristine smooth skin.
“I-I guess that can count as a bright side.” The newlyweds quickly turned around to stare at the beautiful young brunette smiling despite his tears. The tall male at his side didn’t miss the hope radiating from his boyfriend, kissing his forehead softly in a manner that implied It’s okay to hope. In those moments, Kibum swore the room seemed lighter, breezier, and somehow it was easier to breathe, to fill his lungs one, two, three times before closing his eyes.
“I know I’m colorblind, but I still can cook so how about we all settle in the kitchen to have a nice dinner?” He found himself smiling, standing up just to wrap an arm around the boney shoulders of his best friend. Taemin nodded twice, wiping the remainnings of his tears while his boyfriend passed him some tissues.
Minho quietly turned around to look at Jinki, crooking an eyebrow as the older male didn’t make any moves of getting up. A few minutes later, his eyes greeted a soft pair of brown warm orbs as Jinki let a shaky chuckle out.
“Are you oka-“Minho blurted, “Jinki-“
“It’s hard, but I'm surviving one minute at a time.” Those were the only words exchanged between them, being interrupted by Kibum’s soft calling and Taemin’s whining about being hungry. Just welcome the storm Jinki, embrace it and let it drench you Minho mused, following the older male into the vast kitchen.
“I can’t take this anymore Jinki! I just can’t!!”
Frustration had been a common friend for the young painter for the past few months. It was inevitable, the way his brain couldn’t come up to a solution to this seemingly temporary mess. With hands trembling, he found himself clutching the solid tubes of paint with enough force for it to gurgle out. What was a painter to do when he couldn’t even tell which work utensil to use? Sure, he could easily read the label, but it felt like cheating, Kibum felt like cheating the world when he couldn’t clearly get his mind to work some inspiration.
It was like his color sight had disappeared along with inspiration. He couldn’t call a mess of disheveled gray splashes art, he couldn’t even bring his tongue to roll that word over, and it broke his heart each and every single time the pattern repeated itself in an annoyingly mocking manner. He would have the desire to paint, he would embrace all his paints and brushes in a silent fashion like asking them to guide him into the right path, he would smile fondly as Jinki would lovingly tie his working apron, and he would minutes later find himself groaning in exasperation and abandoning his work all together.
“Wait! Baby don’t-“ It was too late, the painting has suffered the severe damage inflicted by Kibum's hands. Sighing softly to himself, Jinki approached the sobbing body hunched over the tall wooden easel with notorious caution.
This wasn’t the first time Kibum had exploded in sheer frustration, and the older male could tell it wouldn’t be the last one either, but every time his husband found himself taking out his frustration with his love, his art, he could feel a little of himself dying internally.
Jinki fell in love with Kibum through his art, being invited by his best friend to an open exhibition of a famous local author. Jinki swore it was love at first sight, but it hardly could count as it since minutes after stepping into the luxurious showcase he almost destroyed the master piece at the center of the room with his clumsiness.
If you can’t refrain yourself from being a potential danger to my pieces, I would kindly suggest you to take your leave Jinki found himself choking at those moments, wanting desperately to be sucked in by that humongous terrifying bird made out of paper mache at the far end of the room. But of course, he got sucked in by something far less terrifying, something unknown and fascinating. He got instantly trapped in Kim Kibum, his fiery spirit and his black determination. From that moment on everything became quite clear to Jinki, everything he had experienced from the moment he was born until that night, seemed just obsolete, simply unimportant and despite his best friend's attempts to smother the stuck up male, he found himself smiling that night, knowing deep down he had found his work of art.
It took Kibum at least three months to finally realize he had fallen in love with that clumsy yet disturbingly handsome architect, but the fact that Jinki fell in love love at first sight and Kibum had been quite the slow poke in that case didn’t disarm or discouraged the older male. Every time Kibum showed some kind of hesitation towards his unknown blossoming feelings, every time he blushed scarlett whenever Jinki complemented highly his paintings, every time Kibum was simply Kibum, Jinki found a small part of his heart being stolen.
I’ll keep you safe He sputtered one evening, I’ll save you from everything that might cause you pain.
You can’t do that Kibum said, resting his head against the broad shoulder of the first man he had ever fallen in love with, but Jinki knew right then that even though he clearly couldn’t save the younger one from all the existing dangers in the world, Kibum silently hoped that that man he had accepted to marry would keep his heart safe for as long as life allowed him to.
So in those moments, were Jinki found himself holding Kibum while he cried his heart out, he felt like he had betrayed that promise. He couldn’t protect his husband from his own grief, he couldn’t take that scorching pain that seemed to kill Kibum’s soul every day. All he could pitifully do was hold on to him, hold him close to his chest and just pray for the warmness of his body to take the coldness of the disease away. All he could do was catch him every time he fell, taking the pain of the fall all to himself.
“How can-How can I live like this Jinki? How can YOU live like this?” In the mist of all the tears and the sobs, Jinki found the face of his lover, masked in contorted pain. He smiled, fingers trailing soft messy lines over the younger one’s face. Closing his eyes, Kibum felt the love in that touch, felt himself being lift into the unknown, and soon all his pain was slowly fading into the muddied back of his brain, to be remembered some time later. Fingers marked feathery trails in Kibum’s hollow cheeks, in the bump of his cheekbones, and finally over the lines of his forehead caused by stress.
Kibum felt emotionally drained, just tired of trying. As quietly as possible, he wrapped his arms around the young architect’s neck, not protesting as he was lightly carried away towards the small terrace by the glass doors at the living room.
It was a calm windy Saturday, with the sun hidden behind blurry clouds and grayish backgrounds. Jinki held the young one closer to his chest, sighing in the wind as Kibum’s sobs slowly dyed against his skin. He was tired too, tired of hoping for something that might never come back, and simply fatigued from seeing Kibum losing himself with every passing hour.
He hadn’t been sleeping well since all that mess exploited in their lives, becoming a slave of coffee and sunrises. Of course, Kibum was oblivious of his newly found nocturnal habits as he never failed to put his work at fault, but he knew he couldn’t keep lying to him any longer. On those cold muted nights, he tried to coax his brain into coming with a solution, some hasty plan to bring some of Kibum’s happiness back, cause as much as Jinki knew that Kibum loved him, that love would never compare to his burning passion towards his art.
Each night, the older male tried to think how to help his lover with his predicament, but all ideas seemed stupid or way too useless. It frustrated him, cause he could sketch and design the most beautiful structures in real life, but in his insides, in his mind, he just couldn’t come up with one simple good structured idea. He failed, sometimes too much despite the circumstances.
“I wanna help… I wanna help you so bad.” It startled Kibum greatly the amount of grief and helplessness that marred Jinki’s words. Detaching his arms from around his neck, he stayed quiet as his husband buried his face in his shirt, clinging to him with an admiring strength, like afraid he would just disappear any minute. He felt like disappearing at any minute to be truthful.
Sitting at the edge of the terrace, Kibum tilted his head backwards, staring blankly at the grayness of everything, and the different textures of the monotonous sky. His arms wrapped loosely around the older one as he tried to bring some comfort to his lover standing between his legs all buried up in his chest.
“I know you wanna help me baby… you already are.” Of course the older one wasn’t going to believe him, but he clearly felt the small sad smile against his chest. Jinki didn’t deserve to be mixed into this mess, he didn’t sign to be married to an ugly blind colored person, but he couldn’t help but love the architect more as his love towards him didn’t know any disease. Even through his sudden outbursts, his tossing and screaming at night through nightmares, and his constant depression that didn’t seem to fade away, the twenty six year old never even once failed to accompany him through his hardships.
He had chosen many wrong paths throughout all his seemingly short life, shaping him up to be cold and stoic in his hard-shell exterior. Of course, when he first saw that gorgeous klutz stumbling in his elegant showcase a few years ago, all he felt for him was an extreme distaste for his obvious happiness. He knew right away without even knowing the guy that he fell into the category of people Kibum hated the most, the Life is a box of chocolate category. Life wasn’t nor pink or bright, it was just there, void of any colors, of any taste, and he hated people who always tried to look for all the bright sides that in reality, didn’t exist… and if they existed they had fun in hiding.
His paintings back then reflected his dark thoughts towards the world, starring a mixture of blood red, gray and black. He was praised for his bluntness, applauded for his fierceness, but he was never searching for acceptance. That night he saw the older male almost knocking his precious glass statue, he felt a sudden amusement fused with anger. He remembered thinking What the HELL is that man doing to my statue!! growling as the oblivious male touched his piece of art like trying to put it back together.
Up until now, he just couldn’t recall how Jinki managed to crawl into skin, how he easily slipped his essence into him. He tried, god knows he tried to avoid the inevitable, scurrying away from Jinki’s sunny smile and his fresh laugh that smelled like that grass nicely cut on a warm summer, but a few months after that tortuous meeting, it dawned on him the way his paintings had lost their edginess, their stoniness. It still amuses him just how angered he had been as he had stomped his way into that high class building, ignoring the annoying calls of the receptionists as he stormed inside the ridiculously large office with the pristine label declaring it was Lee Jinki’s office by the door.
Jinki had told him several times he loved him during those months spent together, and he would just blush and thank him, being grateful all the while for his comprehension towards his confusion, but that day he figured he had fallen hard for the clumsy architect, he just kissed him straight ahead. No Hey I just realized I love you, or Kiss me silly cause I love you too. After the prolonged kiss, he just gripped the white neatly done tie, yanking it until those chocolate eyes were leveled with his feline ones.
I blame you for turning my paintings into a rainbow parade. After those words were said, love took place. It was simply outstanding how the young professional had managed to tame his rough personality, shaping him into a submissive lover. Jinki broke all his fears, righted all his wrongness and melted his indecision.
I’ll keep you safe He sputtered one evening, I’ll save you from everything that might cause you pain.
You can’t do that It was obvious, clear that Jinki couldn’t protect him from everything, he didn’t have super powers or special abilities, but suddenly he mused while resting his head against his shoulder that somehow he really had protected him all along. He had protected him from himself, from that misery that had lived inside him throughout the years, and silently he hoped that night for him to keep protecting his heart.
It was understandable for Jinki to feel he had failed as a husband, Kibum knew that, but right now, standing while shaking in his arms, he couldn’t help but smile despite the sad circumstances, cause even thought the older male didn’t know, he had been silently staying up during Jinki’s restless nights, quietly slipping into the living room just to stare at his husband’s hopeless face in the dark. It broke his heart, many times but at the same time it made him love him even more how he was able to sacrifice his own healthiness just for his being.
“Baby-baby look!” Reluctantly, Jinki detached himself from his lover, raising his head in time to see the flock of birds flying over the sky. He tore his eyes away from the sight, watching intently the way his lover’s face lit up at the view. Kibum loved seeing birds flying in the sky, simply adored the chirping of canaries in the morning, and smiling softly at the huge smile stretching those natural pouty lips, Jinki pondered briefly how easily he could sell his soul just to bottle up that smile and keep it for eternity.
He quietly pulled Kibum closer to safety edge, not trusting the big wide railing. He softly massaged his husband’s clothed thighs, receiving a low hum in response. In the mist of the wind, the texture of Kibum’s jeans against his fingertips and the low humming piercing his ears, Jinki remembered this article he had read a few days ago, an article called Seeing with your inner organs, related to color blindness. Now seemed like a good time to bring it up, with the younger one lulled into a state of comfortness.
“Hey, I read this article a few days ago, about… umm your condition, and there were some interesting things about seeing and distinguishing colors with a different kind of organ.”
“Huh? Which?”
“Your soul.” He saw the changes in his eyes. Amusement, confusion and overall, mild incredibility. He knew it sounded stupid, and all fairytale like, but it was a really nice approach that article gave to Kibum’s monochromacy. Everything was in the mind after all.
“Your soul… Baby are you sure you were wearing your reading glasses?” He frowned, knocking his forehead against his husband’s head in remorse.
“Of course!! They said that people with a color disability are capable of seeing colors with their mind, or as they say, their soul.” Kibum wrinkled his nose in distaste, not clearly believing his husband, his INTELLIGENT husband was sputtering such nonsense.
“Come on! It doesn’t hurt to try!” The enthusiasm in Jinki’s words amused the younger one greatly, but he liked the way his eyes sparkled in the sun, a sparkle he had begun to miss over the last months. Sighing in resignation he watched the way the older male positioned himself correctly between his legs, smiling widely at his acceptance.
At first he wasn’t really trying, just squishing his eyes while crooking his head in fake determination. But seeing Jinki’s hopeful eyes made him feel slightly guilty, so he focused into him with a little more concentration.
It was all a huge blanket of gray blended in different tones and textures. Some spots were more lit than others, and at some point corners were obscured into blackness, but not even a slight twinge of color poked from underneath that heavy blanket. Soon he closed his eyes, resignation heaving over his shoulders as he scowled himself for letting hope in.
“Don’t try to see with your eyes; try to see with your mind.” Easier said than done he thought sourly, feeling the air swaying with his hair. Jinki’s big smile greeted him once again, and despite his clear displeasure towards this absurd dynamic, he found himself getting plagued by that smile. Jinki’s smile was pure, bright, and warm. He could taste the happiness in his tongue, and a few seconds later he found himself gazing at the blurry edges of yellow splashing life into the older male’s still body.
“You’re yellow.” He knew it was not a real color, it was a color his mind had somehow come up with, but he could see it, after all those days of grayish mornings and black nights. Soon his eyes got prickled with a salty wetness, clapping his mouth shut in excitement. Kibum hated yellow, but he found himself loving it. Jinki laughed exuberantly, tilting his head backwards at the absurdity of said words. Kibum was crying in seconds, wrapping his hands around Jinki’s shaking form as the said male pushed him off the rail just to spin around the terrace in sheer happiness.
It was so easy it was almost painful, how Jinki was submerged in such brightness for who knows how long. Locking his legs around his waist, Kibum peppered his husband's face with kisses, murmuring sweet nothings.
“I’m yellow.” He smiled, kissing the soft plump lips with exploiting happiness.
“You’re my new favorite color.”
“God you’re color blind not handicapped, can’t you go shopping yourself?”
“Shut up, I need help distinguishing color brands. Here, munch on this while we finish.” From day one, Kibum never really got along with his husband’s best friend Kim Jonghyun, but he knew Jinki loved the loud blonde to death, so he found himself putting up with his rants on daily basis. Jonghyun wasn’t entirely pleased with his best friend’s lover, not really understanding what in god’s name was so attracting about the young painter to lure his friend into a salivating mess. Over the years they’ve established a rather normal civilized relationship, appearing as good friends in Jinki’s presence and not waiting to pull each other’s hair off the second left alone. Kibum would never admit it, but he truly cared for the older male, knowing that deep down he was a life lasting friend.
Of course, in those moments were the blonde was being purposely annoying, he just wanted to damn it all and throw the male into the big fountain at the main plaza. He could care less about being charge for murder.
“You see this? Jinki and I designed this baby. Isn’t it gorgeous?” He wanted the gag at the way Jonghyun’s eyes sparkled while eyeing the impressive structure of the vast shopping mall. Watching the exquisite architecture of one of the biggest malls in the entire country, with people rushing in and out of shops at any seasons, instantly had his chest swelling up in pride. His husband was extremely talented and successful, being almost harassed on daily basis by rich entrepreneurs with unlimited bank accounts just begging for the successful architect to take their projects.
Rolling his eyes at Jonghyun’s obvious infatuation towards the tall French columns, he dragged the shorter male through the maze of people, spotting his next target situated between Louis Vuitton and Ralph Lauren.
The younger one had concluded long time ago that Jonghyun was deep brown, all earthy and solid at first sight. It was quite obvious too, with his strong jaw and his sharp eyes. Kibum thought the color suited him perfectly, matching his personality dead on, but as brown represented the solid part of the older male’s personality, it also stated that a soft side as chocolate was hiding behind all the toughness. The successful architect was quite the softie when in confidency, and Kibum still remembers with a laugh the first time he went to the movies with Jonghyun, deciding wrongly to watch a drama that had been extremely advertised in the news. He forgot his composure that day, laughing his ass off at the males wailing and his pathetic whispers. It’s fucking sad! He had sobbed at the end, burying his head in his navy blue polo to hide his face from the stares.
“Oh great, it’s your husband.” The girly ringtone piercing the mellow atmosphere in the department store had Kibum brimming happily. He stupidly forgot to bring his cell phone with him, and groaning in frustration, he had to rely on the older’s device throughout the entire shopping trip. Answering the call right away, he quietly pushed the shopping trolley around the store, not paying attention at how Jonghyun whined all his troubles to Jinki.
Life was slowly staying in a normal pattern, stabilizing into a rather solid rhythm. Kibum had slowly become accustomed to his situation, learning to deal with the fact that he couldn’t hope for something to be back when it was probably gone for good. He missed seeing those lively colors, the deep tones and the way paint shimmered between his fingers while painting his thoughts away, but he had to resign to all that.
Jinki had been with him through thick and thin, selflessly helping him overcome his fears. At first, it was all new, scary and unknown, but he slowly found out that life could be possible without its color. Patience had taught me to see beyond his limitations, to push himself and to discover a brand new dimension and even though his inner colors were not as bright and solid as the real ones, they were just enough. Everything around him had its specific tone, just waiting to be discovered. Taemin had a soft baby blue hue all around him, shifting to white from time to times. Minho had been a deep shade of forest green, solid and unchanging, and overall, people were like rainbows before his eyes.
Staring at himself in the mirror one day after showering, he realized just how purple he was. Huffing his cheeks, he tried to mask his disappointment, with no such luck as the strong purple halo started shifting into a pinkish tint. He wasn’t gonna lie, he had hoped for a stronger, manlier color, but sometimes you just gotta accept yourself with your flaws.
“Jinki says he’s gonna meet us for lunch at your favorite restaurant.” Smiling at the thought of seeing his husband, the young painter resumed his shopping, smacking the blonde’s head now and then in pure irritation. It was clear that Kim Jonghyun and shopping was an extremely bad combination, but for today he was gonna have to deal with it.
After many hours of whining later, they found themselves seated at the secluded area of Kibum’s favorite Italian restaurant. That exact same spot had starred his and Jinki’s first date; that had been a total disaster thanks to Jinki’s nervousness and Kibum’s obvious irritation. Ordering a glass of wine, he muttered a soft thanks at the older male submerged in the sea of bags from across the table. To his surprise, Jonghyun had offered to take all his bags, assuming the role of the nice brother in law since him and Jinki had been practically glued from the day they were born until now.
“Jinki is my hero, seriously, how can he put up with all this and STILL love you.” Scowling, he made an attempt to throw a piece of bread stick to his face, but the waiter had an excellent timing, excusing himself while uncorking the red wine.
“So, how’s the seeing with your soul thing going?” He shrugged carelessly, thanking the waiter as his lips tasted the blood red liquid.
“It’s going fine. At least I can tell people’s true colors and stuff.” The smirk portrayed in the older male’s face made him almost snort; knowing that whatever the blonde was thinking was slowly approaching the path of silliness.
“Well, that’s good. I bet you didn’t know sexyness had a color until you saw me with your inner eyes.” He crocked an eyebrow, watching in sheer amusement as the older one pointed at himself with an inflated ego.
“I didn’t know stupidity had a color either. Thank you for showing me that.” His eyes suddenly trailed towards the entrance, tuning out Jonghyun’s remark as he watched his husband entering the crowded establishment. Jinki was quite the eye catch, no doubt about it as waiters and customers tore their eyes from their meal to stare at the gorgeous male. With his crispy black suit, sexy disheveled hair and carefree smile, Kibum’s heart went racing a mile per hour, cheeks flushing red in embarrassment. Marriage surely doesn’t cure you from falling in love with your husband over and over again.
“Hey Jonghyun, hi baby.” The twenty six year old greeted his best friend with a hug, making his way across the table to plant a full kiss over his lover’s lips. Suddenly Kibum felt safe, felt at home as a pair of strong toned arms circled around him just to pull him into closer.
“Dude, next time you need someone to babysit your annoying husband, don’t even think about calling me! My feet have blisters all over them!!” Kibum snorted, wrapping his arms around his husband as a low chuckle erupted from Jinki’s lips.
Lunch passed by in a blur, not even realizing how lonely the restaurant had gotten over the passing hours. Kibum had been so distracted in the conversation that he didn’t notice just how late it was. After a bottle of wine and dessert, he decided it was time to go, having to prepare dinner for his parents since they were coming to visit. Jinki was engaged in a heated discussion with his best friend, talking about the pros and cons of this new project in their hands. He turned around then, watching how the older male’s features sparkled in the dim light of the room. Minute of staring turning into half an hour, and as his gaze softened while hearing his husbands low laughter, it clicked, mutedly and without any warning.
There was nothing yellowish about Jinki, nothing at all. He had been so wrong, thinking that the young architect had that bright color imprinted all over him, when in fact, he had been void of any colors all along. Jinki was translucent, letting light pass through him effortlessly. It was fascinating how Jonghyun’s solid earthy tone shied away from that pure inexistent aura. Somehow Jonghyun's brown and his purple disappeared all around Jinki, morphing into nothingness while keeping its tone. It should’ve been scary, to see his husband missing a color, since Kibum had strongly believed Jinki was a bright colored person, but somehow being transparent suited him perfectly. There were no secrets lurking Jinki’s past, not nasty truths waiting to come out at every corner. It was just him, and his sunny smiles.
“Ready to go?” Check was already paid with an inviting hand waiting to be taken. Kibum smiled then, entwining his fingers together as he let himself be pulled out of the restaurant.
It was extremely hard to match purple. From a painter’s point of view, he knew that, having to think hard before mixing that deep color with a counterpart, but sometimes it was better to leave it like that. Leave it all alone, in a translucent environment to let it shine and pop out. But it was all thanks to that see-through pattern that welcomed all colors that purple, or any color for that matter, could be seen in its full potencial. All thanks to that beautiful liquid glass that let everything pass without any restriction.
“Wha-”
Jinki thought his eyes were playing tricks on him that December morning, blinking one, two, three times just to make sure his mind wasn’t screwing with him. After eight months of quarreling with Kibum’s problems, the young couple had decided it was better for Kibum and for his career to take a break. The joy art once brought to Kibum, it transformed into a painful reality. The younger one had to resign to his passion for a while, drowning himself into a spiral of depression and sadness, and it was why Jinki couldn’t believe his eyes as he watched his husband sitting in front of that once forgotten easel.
“What do you think? Too flashy?” Shaking his head in a trance, his feet slowly took him towards the painter, closing his mouth after a while as the younger one crooked his head while examining his work in progress. He first thought his husband had gotten his sight back, but then he knew it was a silly thought as Kibum clicked his tongue in irritation while eyeing two different shades of red. They probably looked just as gray as his hair, not knowing how to tell the difference in the shades.
“I think it’s perfect.” His heart fluttered in joy as Kibum's lips stretched into a shy smile. He felt like crying, happy with the thought of the younger one reviving his love once again. Some believers would call it a Christmas miracle, and Jinki was ready to become a believer in those moments. He decided to leave his lover to his thoughts, not wanting to disturb his sudden muse. Kissing his cheek softly with a promise of coming back later, he retrieved silently to their room, just to lock himself in the bathroom, collapse on his knees and cry.
With the passing of time, slowly, Kibum got accustomed to this new life. He couldn’t call it normal yet, but after one year, it could be call stable. Finally that grief in Taemin, Minho, and Jinki’s eyes was gone, just replaced with adoration and love. He learned to live with his condition, not wanting to be pitied for the rest of his life, and somehow throughout the whole process of coping, he realized it wasn’t that bad. Having the rarest case of color blindness wasn’t the end of the world; it simply helped you to see the true beauty in life.
He learnt that people often are so blinded by the sparkles and the brightness of the world that they failed to see the beauty within. He learnt that the sky was simply gorgeous in all its grayness, and the clouds looked like mounts of snow on windy evenings. Jinki’s eyes never lost their warmness or their tenderness even in dullness, and surely his friends and family all had that comfortness that had always surrounded them.
He had to shed tears, let out sobs and slip in and out of sadness to realize just how easily the process of accommodating had been. Jinki had made it all better, with his jokes, his smiles, his laughter. He had caked Kibum with light touches, with kisses and tickles. He had made everything all normal, made it seem like being color blind was okay, and on those nights were tears made a surprise appearance, the older one never failed to ebb his pain away.
It was all thanks to Lee Jinki, his husband and his best friend. All those times he felt like losing himself, he was rooted to the ground, secured by Jinki’s strong hold. He never failed to remind him who he was, where he was and what was really worth it in the end. Jinki was the only thing worth in this mess, the only thing that really mattered. Embracing his condition had been like standing in the middle of the storm, loving in it instead of shielding pointless from it.
Feeling finally at peace with his mind and his soul, it didn't feel like quite the shock or surprise when he suddenly started seeing dots of light shaping in his sight. He remained still and quite that evening when his eyes started opening to colors, pupils dilating with the intensity of that familiar brightness. He had missed that world, he wasn’t gonna lie, but Jinki had made his dull colorless life so full and so welcoming that now, as his sight started coming back to life, he received it with a calm appeased mind.
It’s like coming back home He mused, staring at all he had missed during that long year. All his paintings, Jinki’s sketches, his beloved mural; everything felt new yet familiar. Eyes finally landed on that portray he had been working on for the last three months, that sunset he once saw after waking up from an afternoon nap. In those moments, he hadn’t been able to distinguish the harmony between the colors, just trusting his heart and his instincts, but now, seeing it with brand new eyes, he let his emotions cascade.
It was beautiful. Exquisitely balanced in a way that left him breathless. That painting was the most beautiful sunset he had ever seen, with the windows wide open, breeze swaying the curtains away and a flock of birds flying by the horizon. He believed then, right away that there existed such a thing as seeing with your soul. Beauty was too ethereal to be seen with mundane senses, and seeing his new work of art in all his glory was simply fulfilling.
“Hey baby, I’m home.” Twisting around in time to catch his husband taking his suit off by the door, Kibum could only smile in return. He kept quiet as Jinki strode all the way to the living room, pulling him to his warmth while placing a soft kiss against his forehead. He could still see his translucent light, that pureness letting all in.
“I’m home too.” He didn’t know if Jinki caught the meaning behind his words, but his tears somehow gave him away. He was pulled into a tight embrace then, his feet losing the feeling of the ground beneath. A sudden moisture soaked his neck, not sure who’s tears he was getting submerged into at the moment.
“You’ve always been home Kibum.” He felt his purple slowing disappearing into Jinki’s translucent halo, shaping into some unknown colors before disappearing like thin air. Burying his head in Jinki's chest, he marveled over the accelerated heart beating close to his ear, skipping beats now and then.
“I’ll keep you safe.” Jinki sputtered minutes later, “I’ll save you from everything that might cause you pain.”
“Silly-You just did.” Kibum said. That’s all you’ve been doing.
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-> originally posted on ignyte_passion
Pairing: OnKey, slight 2Min
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It's in the mist of caos and depression that true colors come out, not for eyes to see for the soul to contemplate.
A/N: Okay, don't ask me how i did it, how i literally manage to squish some time into my schedule to write this, but OMG I DID IT :D. i've had the idea of writting this swirling inside my muddy mind for quite a bit, it i could finally transform it into words :). This fic is entirely dedicate to my awesome rea unnie owlbee !. This is for you unnie :), cause i know you've been going through some really though hardships and these is the least i can do to make you smile hehe ^^. Hope you like it!! and to all my loyal readers THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS SUPPORTING MEEE!! :D. The song i chose for this fic is called Storm by Lifehouse. It one of my favorite lyrics btw, with a really meaninful message so i hope you like it!
My soul sees yellow in you.
Art is unquestionably one of the purest and highest elements in human happiness.
It trains the mind through the eye, and the eye through the mind.
As the sun colors flowers, so does art color life.
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“There’s not a solid pattern to follow in this kind of situations… You may be back to normal tomorrow, or next year. There’s no certainty in this.”
Soft hand gripped an equally soft one under the table. Kim Kibum could feel a deep moisture in his soul, but all his life he had been educated to be a man and endure pain, so all he could do was bit his lip and nod as the best ophthalmologist in Korea was kindly telling him he would probably be colorblind for the rest of his life.
I’m not ready… Bottom lip quivered, but mouth was kept shut. A tender thumb rubbed comforting circles in the back of his hand, and as Kibum half listened to the Doctor’s recommendations, he slowly directed his dull eyes towards the crystal window at his right. Gray leaves swayed swiftly in the chilly air as the last remanding pieces of winter clung to the trees like death weight. Kibum’s eyes stared blankly at the way that colorless landscape mocked his condition.
It had come silently, taking him without notice that breezy morning. He remembered waking up in the safe embrace of his husband’s arms, and deciding against his will to open his coffee colored eyes, the sight that greeted him afterwards was the sight of a brand new world; A death new world.
“Let’s go baby. Let’s go home.” That warm breath tickled the 24 year old’s ear, feeling the older man leaning against him while sliding a soft heavy arm over his shoulders. Lifelessly, the young married couple bid their goodbyes, agreeing with the specialist about an upcoming visit next month. Both males tried to ignore the soft whispers directed at their way, trying desperately to ignore all those stares of sympathy.
Lee Jinki wanted to scream at some power above for playing with his happiness like this. Dreamy adventures starring a Hawaiian honeymoon seemed surreal at the moment, almost like a blurry fantasy that had once muddied an equally blurry mind, and the older male could only scowl and kick himself for not seeing the obvious signs that had been blinking before his eyes. He should’ve known it was not normal for his husband to rub his eyes while staring at the huge colorful bouquet of flowers at their hotel suit with a pained expression on his face. It was obvious something was extremely wrong when Key asked for help to find his favorite pink sweater when it was standing right before him, hanging among gray ones in their walking closet.
“I’ll get it.” The younger male nodded numbly, watching without emotion as his husband opened the passenger door swiftly, taking his hand softly to guide him into the warmness of the vehicle.
A soft purr rolled all over him, awakening his mind from its dull state. As grayish trees morphed into a messy shape by the sidewalk, all Kibum could do was press his head against the cold window, trying to find some kind of self comfort with the way the sun remained tall above the sky, unchanging, never wavering. Life was still as colorful as ever, it was him that had lost the ability to see its gloriousness, and that thought alone was enough to make a small amount of him die internally. Fingers softly entwined themselves with his own frozen ones, making him stare quietly as the older male soflty lifted their hands to his lips. Wedding bands glistened brightly as the sunlight pierced the windshill, making small glimmering shapes over the car’s obscure interior.
“It’s a cold morning.” Indeed Kibum thought, sighing softly as Jinki placed their hands between the seats, never leaving the twisted grasp.
Soon the sight of the apartment complex started shaping before his eyes, and a sudden sense of relief washed over the young male as the car halted to a stop a few minutes later. Jinki kept his mouth shut as his husband quickly scurried out of the car into the tall building. He felt powerless, utterly disarmed as he quietly locked the SUV. If this was a test, he must have failed by now, cause nobody had taught him how to ebb pain.
He wanted to dream everything away. He wanted to fantasize that rather than the cold streets of Korea, him and Kibum were walking down the shore of those sunny Hawaiian beaches, letting the warm sun toast their skin into cinnamon. While he walked towards the elevator, he closed his eyes and imagined kissing his lover’s bare shoulder while both of them stared at the sunset over their suite; sweet nothings murmured into the wind as kisses traveled to more foreign places.
Reality crashed beautifully into his fantasy world though, and as the metal doors opened to greet the ninth floor of his residence, he committed himself to dream about those wishes later. Arriving at the studio apartment with the number 202 labeled on the door, the 26 year old quietly slipped inside the unusually still space.
“Baby? Where are you…” The words died in Jinki’s tongue as he gazed the kneeling figure at the far end of the large living room. Kibum was staring absentmindedly at the colorful mural covering the bare wall at the left side of the room.
With eyes glazed over, Kibum’s hands trailed the rough contours of the paint. A painter was born and later on died in his own world full of color, a world only meant to be shown to the others with oily paints and bare canvas. Hands started trembling with emotions as eyes welled up with pin-up emotions. He felt nude, somehow raped by reality, and a few minutes later he screamed. Strong arms wrapped around him in seconds, arming him and building him back together.
Hold me… Oh god, hold me Sobs turned into desperate whispers as words were slurred into his ears. Jinki tried to grip as much of his lover as possible, tying him to the ground with his embrace. Peppering the younger one with kisses, numb fingers trailed the shaking arms, coaxing them to warmth. Jinki found himself wondering as he rocked them both to comfort, who he was holding on to exactly, cause his arms as they circled themselves around the trembling body, drawing it towards his chest, somehow reached out enough to grip the edges of his navy blue sweater with an alarming strenght, like keeping him together.
“I’m losing myself.” Kibum couldn’t remember how long he had been holding on to his husband, probably hours, but he felt like slipping away as time passed by. He felt his life sliding through his fingers like sand as he let himself be carried towards the master bedroom. Bed sank minutes later, arms nimbly circling around his waist while his back molded against a toned chest.
“I’ve got you... in every single way.” The soft murmur tickled the younger one as the breath clawed its way to his neck.
Darkness surrounded him as the moon lighted the room in such etherealness that he could almost swear it was heaven right there; he could almost taste the holiness. Facing the wide crystal wall showing the view of an illuminated city, he let the soft tears fall. Tears of cope, since he felt like part of him had died that morning. Tears of sorrow, since he felt he let the love of his life down. Tears of comfort, since he at least had Jinki to hold him and mold him with his never fading love.
“We’re gonna be okay.” A trembling hand found its way towards his dull one, and he could almost feel their wedding rings clinging softly with each shake.
He closed his eyes then, letting his tears fall as he tried to ignore the way another set of tears rolled over the back of his neck. He desperately tried to lull himself to sleep with the sound of Jinki’s muted sobs.
He gripped their tied hands tighter, dreaming about being in some warm unknown paradise, with the never ending blue as their roof, the toasty warm earth beneath as their floor and only their love to nurture them.
That was the last time he dreamt, letting the nightmares in.
“I don’t know Taemin… it just happened…” It was hard to ignore the devastated look the young couple portrayed at those moments, but surely Kibum tried. It was enough seeing Jinki’s hopeful eyes every morning, and it was simply too much the way he had to crush his hopes each and every single time with a lonely and empty head shake.
So when he saw the corner of those big doo eyes welling up with tears, he tiredly diverted his eyes towards the lonely flower pot by the kitchen, wishing for a moment to be deaf and completely void of vision. A strong arm around his shoulder pulled him out of his thoughts, making the process of coping much harder.
As far as he remembered, Lee Taemin has never been the strong type. The young boy with soft caramel hair, expressive round eyes and never ending smiles was the type of person that needed company and attention 24/7. Knowing him almost all his life, Kibum knew the news of his condition were gonna strike that young fragile heart in a very painful manner, and he thanked God right there for letting Choi Minho step into the picture.
He could not fathom the idea of Taemin having to deal with the reality of his best friend, his motherly friend, suffering from such devastating disease, and watching with dull eyes the young one crying his heart out in the chest of his lover, Key clawed his feline orbs in the tall male soothing the 20 year old in his arms.
Make it better for him Round eyes narrowed significantly before a curt nod was directed towards the married couple sitting at the other side of the living room.
“It’s okay Taeminnie… it’s not like Kibum died or something. His life is gonna be a black and white Polaroid from now on. Key likes polaroids.” The corners of the older male’s lips curled upwards, trying to comfort the 20 year old sobbing softly with happy analogies.
“It’s a lot to process you know? You were just fine last week, and now-” A large lump formed itself in the throat of the tall male, making him cough while diverting his eyes towards the window. Kibum could feel his heart constricting with the sight of his friends’ suffering. He felt lost, utterly hopeless as he watched how happiness was being eaten away slowly by sorrow. As quietly as possible, he rested his head against his husband’s shoulder, seeking some kind of comfort while trying hard to find some bright sight to all of this. Nothing seemed hopeful enough, so he voiced the only thing that he could come up to in those strange painful moments.
“Look at the bright side… I won’t be able to wear that horrible hot pink sweater you both hate…” His voice was whispered, void of emotions, but the way both males wiped their head in his direction, an incredulous expression caking their features like saying He can’t be serious was enough to crack a laugh out of his lover.
He hadn’t realized just how much he had missed Jinki’s laughter. Watching the way his eyes crinkled in that loveliness that had his heart fluttering reminded him that the older one’s true nature was to smile. Cupping his husband’s cheeks in a tender fashion, he didn’t fail to place a chaste kiss upon those plush lips, trying to absorb as much of that smile as possible. I miss your smile Jinki softly placed a kiss upon his forehead, murmuring a soft I love you into the pristine smooth skin.
“I-I guess that can count as a bright side.” The newlyweds quickly turned around to stare at the beautiful young brunette smiling despite his tears. The tall male at his side didn’t miss the hope radiating from his boyfriend, kissing his forehead softly in a manner that implied It’s okay to hope. In those moments, Kibum swore the room seemed lighter, breezier, and somehow it was easier to breathe, to fill his lungs one, two, three times before closing his eyes.
“I know I’m colorblind, but I still can cook so how about we all settle in the kitchen to have a nice dinner?” He found himself smiling, standing up just to wrap an arm around the boney shoulders of his best friend. Taemin nodded twice, wiping the remainnings of his tears while his boyfriend passed him some tissues.
Minho quietly turned around to look at Jinki, crooking an eyebrow as the older male didn’t make any moves of getting up. A few minutes later, his eyes greeted a soft pair of brown warm orbs as Jinki let a shaky chuckle out.
“Are you oka-“Minho blurted, “Jinki-“
“It’s hard, but I'm surviving one minute at a time.” Those were the only words exchanged between them, being interrupted by Kibum’s soft calling and Taemin’s whining about being hungry. Just welcome the storm Jinki, embrace it and let it drench you Minho mused, following the older male into the vast kitchen.
“I can’t take this anymore Jinki! I just can’t!!”
Frustration had been a common friend for the young painter for the past few months. It was inevitable, the way his brain couldn’t come up to a solution to this seemingly temporary mess. With hands trembling, he found himself clutching the solid tubes of paint with enough force for it to gurgle out. What was a painter to do when he couldn’t even tell which work utensil to use? Sure, he could easily read the label, but it felt like cheating, Kibum felt like cheating the world when he couldn’t clearly get his mind to work some inspiration.
It was like his color sight had disappeared along with inspiration. He couldn’t call a mess of disheveled gray splashes art, he couldn’t even bring his tongue to roll that word over, and it broke his heart each and every single time the pattern repeated itself in an annoyingly mocking manner. He would have the desire to paint, he would embrace all his paints and brushes in a silent fashion like asking them to guide him into the right path, he would smile fondly as Jinki would lovingly tie his working apron, and he would minutes later find himself groaning in exasperation and abandoning his work all together.
“Wait! Baby don’t-“ It was too late, the painting has suffered the severe damage inflicted by Kibum's hands. Sighing softly to himself, Jinki approached the sobbing body hunched over the tall wooden easel with notorious caution.
This wasn’t the first time Kibum had exploded in sheer frustration, and the older male could tell it wouldn’t be the last one either, but every time his husband found himself taking out his frustration with his love, his art, he could feel a little of himself dying internally.
Jinki fell in love with Kibum through his art, being invited by his best friend to an open exhibition of a famous local author. Jinki swore it was love at first sight, but it hardly could count as it since minutes after stepping into the luxurious showcase he almost destroyed the master piece at the center of the room with his clumsiness.
If you can’t refrain yourself from being a potential danger to my pieces, I would kindly suggest you to take your leave Jinki found himself choking at those moments, wanting desperately to be sucked in by that humongous terrifying bird made out of paper mache at the far end of the room. But of course, he got sucked in by something far less terrifying, something unknown and fascinating. He got instantly trapped in Kim Kibum, his fiery spirit and his black determination. From that moment on everything became quite clear to Jinki, everything he had experienced from the moment he was born until that night, seemed just obsolete, simply unimportant and despite his best friend's attempts to smother the stuck up male, he found himself smiling that night, knowing deep down he had found his work of art.
It took Kibum at least three months to finally realize he had fallen in love with that clumsy yet disturbingly handsome architect, but the fact that Jinki fell in love love at first sight and Kibum had been quite the slow poke in that case didn’t disarm or discouraged the older male. Every time Kibum showed some kind of hesitation towards his unknown blossoming feelings, every time he blushed scarlett whenever Jinki complemented highly his paintings, every time Kibum was simply Kibum, Jinki found a small part of his heart being stolen.
I’ll keep you safe He sputtered one evening, I’ll save you from everything that might cause you pain.
You can’t do that Kibum said, resting his head against the broad shoulder of the first man he had ever fallen in love with, but Jinki knew right then that even though he clearly couldn’t save the younger one from all the existing dangers in the world, Kibum silently hoped that that man he had accepted to marry would keep his heart safe for as long as life allowed him to.
So in those moments, were Jinki found himself holding Kibum while he cried his heart out, he felt like he had betrayed that promise. He couldn’t protect his husband from his own grief, he couldn’t take that scorching pain that seemed to kill Kibum’s soul every day. All he could pitifully do was hold on to him, hold him close to his chest and just pray for the warmness of his body to take the coldness of the disease away. All he could do was catch him every time he fell, taking the pain of the fall all to himself.
“How can-How can I live like this Jinki? How can YOU live like this?” In the mist of all the tears and the sobs, Jinki found the face of his lover, masked in contorted pain. He smiled, fingers trailing soft messy lines over the younger one’s face. Closing his eyes, Kibum felt the love in that touch, felt himself being lift into the unknown, and soon all his pain was slowly fading into the muddied back of his brain, to be remembered some time later. Fingers marked feathery trails in Kibum’s hollow cheeks, in the bump of his cheekbones, and finally over the lines of his forehead caused by stress.
Kibum felt emotionally drained, just tired of trying. As quietly as possible, he wrapped his arms around the young architect’s neck, not protesting as he was lightly carried away towards the small terrace by the glass doors at the living room.
It was a calm windy Saturday, with the sun hidden behind blurry clouds and grayish backgrounds. Jinki held the young one closer to his chest, sighing in the wind as Kibum’s sobs slowly dyed against his skin. He was tired too, tired of hoping for something that might never come back, and simply fatigued from seeing Kibum losing himself with every passing hour.
He hadn’t been sleeping well since all that mess exploited in their lives, becoming a slave of coffee and sunrises. Of course, Kibum was oblivious of his newly found nocturnal habits as he never failed to put his work at fault, but he knew he couldn’t keep lying to him any longer. On those cold muted nights, he tried to coax his brain into coming with a solution, some hasty plan to bring some of Kibum’s happiness back, cause as much as Jinki knew that Kibum loved him, that love would never compare to his burning passion towards his art.
Each night, the older male tried to think how to help his lover with his predicament, but all ideas seemed stupid or way too useless. It frustrated him, cause he could sketch and design the most beautiful structures in real life, but in his insides, in his mind, he just couldn’t come up with one simple good structured idea. He failed, sometimes too much despite the circumstances.
“I wanna help… I wanna help you so bad.” It startled Kibum greatly the amount of grief and helplessness that marred Jinki’s words. Detaching his arms from around his neck, he stayed quiet as his husband buried his face in his shirt, clinging to him with an admiring strength, like afraid he would just disappear any minute. He felt like disappearing at any minute to be truthful.
Sitting at the edge of the terrace, Kibum tilted his head backwards, staring blankly at the grayness of everything, and the different textures of the monotonous sky. His arms wrapped loosely around the older one as he tried to bring some comfort to his lover standing between his legs all buried up in his chest.
“I know you wanna help me baby… you already are.” Of course the older one wasn’t going to believe him, but he clearly felt the small sad smile against his chest. Jinki didn’t deserve to be mixed into this mess, he didn’t sign to be married to an ugly blind colored person, but he couldn’t help but love the architect more as his love towards him didn’t know any disease. Even through his sudden outbursts, his tossing and screaming at night through nightmares, and his constant depression that didn’t seem to fade away, the twenty six year old never even once failed to accompany him through his hardships.
He had chosen many wrong paths throughout all his seemingly short life, shaping him up to be cold and stoic in his hard-shell exterior. Of course, when he first saw that gorgeous klutz stumbling in his elegant showcase a few years ago, all he felt for him was an extreme distaste for his obvious happiness. He knew right away without even knowing the guy that he fell into the category of people Kibum hated the most, the Life is a box of chocolate category. Life wasn’t nor pink or bright, it was just there, void of any colors, of any taste, and he hated people who always tried to look for all the bright sides that in reality, didn’t exist… and if they existed they had fun in hiding.
His paintings back then reflected his dark thoughts towards the world, starring a mixture of blood red, gray and black. He was praised for his bluntness, applauded for his fierceness, but he was never searching for acceptance. That night he saw the older male almost knocking his precious glass statue, he felt a sudden amusement fused with anger. He remembered thinking What the HELL is that man doing to my statue!! growling as the oblivious male touched his piece of art like trying to put it back together.
Up until now, he just couldn’t recall how Jinki managed to crawl into skin, how he easily slipped his essence into him. He tried, god knows he tried to avoid the inevitable, scurrying away from Jinki’s sunny smile and his fresh laugh that smelled like that grass nicely cut on a warm summer, but a few months after that tortuous meeting, it dawned on him the way his paintings had lost their edginess, their stoniness. It still amuses him just how angered he had been as he had stomped his way into that high class building, ignoring the annoying calls of the receptionists as he stormed inside the ridiculously large office with the pristine label declaring it was Lee Jinki’s office by the door.
Jinki had told him several times he loved him during those months spent together, and he would just blush and thank him, being grateful all the while for his comprehension towards his confusion, but that day he figured he had fallen hard for the clumsy architect, he just kissed him straight ahead. No Hey I just realized I love you, or Kiss me silly cause I love you too. After the prolonged kiss, he just gripped the white neatly done tie, yanking it until those chocolate eyes were leveled with his feline ones.
I blame you for turning my paintings into a rainbow parade. After those words were said, love took place. It was simply outstanding how the young professional had managed to tame his rough personality, shaping him into a submissive lover. Jinki broke all his fears, righted all his wrongness and melted his indecision.
I’ll keep you safe He sputtered one evening, I’ll save you from everything that might cause you pain.
You can’t do that It was obvious, clear that Jinki couldn’t protect him from everything, he didn’t have super powers or special abilities, but suddenly he mused while resting his head against his shoulder that somehow he really had protected him all along. He had protected him from himself, from that misery that had lived inside him throughout the years, and silently he hoped that night for him to keep protecting his heart.
It was understandable for Jinki to feel he had failed as a husband, Kibum knew that, but right now, standing while shaking in his arms, he couldn’t help but smile despite the sad circumstances, cause even thought the older male didn’t know, he had been silently staying up during Jinki’s restless nights, quietly slipping into the living room just to stare at his husband’s hopeless face in the dark. It broke his heart, many times but at the same time it made him love him even more how he was able to sacrifice his own healthiness just for his being.
“Baby-baby look!” Reluctantly, Jinki detached himself from his lover, raising his head in time to see the flock of birds flying over the sky. He tore his eyes away from the sight, watching intently the way his lover’s face lit up at the view. Kibum loved seeing birds flying in the sky, simply adored the chirping of canaries in the morning, and smiling softly at the huge smile stretching those natural pouty lips, Jinki pondered briefly how easily he could sell his soul just to bottle up that smile and keep it for eternity.
He quietly pulled Kibum closer to safety edge, not trusting the big wide railing. He softly massaged his husband’s clothed thighs, receiving a low hum in response. In the mist of the wind, the texture of Kibum’s jeans against his fingertips and the low humming piercing his ears, Jinki remembered this article he had read a few days ago, an article called Seeing with your inner organs, related to color blindness. Now seemed like a good time to bring it up, with the younger one lulled into a state of comfortness.
“Hey, I read this article a few days ago, about… umm your condition, and there were some interesting things about seeing and distinguishing colors with a different kind of organ.”
“Huh? Which?”
“Your soul.” He saw the changes in his eyes. Amusement, confusion and overall, mild incredibility. He knew it sounded stupid, and all fairytale like, but it was a really nice approach that article gave to Kibum’s monochromacy. Everything was in the mind after all.
“Your soul… Baby are you sure you were wearing your reading glasses?” He frowned, knocking his forehead against his husband’s head in remorse.
“Of course!! They said that people with a color disability are capable of seeing colors with their mind, or as they say, their soul.” Kibum wrinkled his nose in distaste, not clearly believing his husband, his INTELLIGENT husband was sputtering such nonsense.
“Come on! It doesn’t hurt to try!” The enthusiasm in Jinki’s words amused the younger one greatly, but he liked the way his eyes sparkled in the sun, a sparkle he had begun to miss over the last months. Sighing in resignation he watched the way the older male positioned himself correctly between his legs, smiling widely at his acceptance.
At first he wasn’t really trying, just squishing his eyes while crooking his head in fake determination. But seeing Jinki’s hopeful eyes made him feel slightly guilty, so he focused into him with a little more concentration.
It was all a huge blanket of gray blended in different tones and textures. Some spots were more lit than others, and at some point corners were obscured into blackness, but not even a slight twinge of color poked from underneath that heavy blanket. Soon he closed his eyes, resignation heaving over his shoulders as he scowled himself for letting hope in.
“Don’t try to see with your eyes; try to see with your mind.” Easier said than done he thought sourly, feeling the air swaying with his hair. Jinki’s big smile greeted him once again, and despite his clear displeasure towards this absurd dynamic, he found himself getting plagued by that smile. Jinki’s smile was pure, bright, and warm. He could taste the happiness in his tongue, and a few seconds later he found himself gazing at the blurry edges of yellow splashing life into the older male’s still body.
“You’re yellow.” He knew it was not a real color, it was a color his mind had somehow come up with, but he could see it, after all those days of grayish mornings and black nights. Soon his eyes got prickled with a salty wetness, clapping his mouth shut in excitement. Kibum hated yellow, but he found himself loving it. Jinki laughed exuberantly, tilting his head backwards at the absurdity of said words. Kibum was crying in seconds, wrapping his hands around Jinki’s shaking form as the said male pushed him off the rail just to spin around the terrace in sheer happiness.
It was so easy it was almost painful, how Jinki was submerged in such brightness for who knows how long. Locking his legs around his waist, Kibum peppered his husband's face with kisses, murmuring sweet nothings.
“I’m yellow.” He smiled, kissing the soft plump lips with exploiting happiness.
“You’re my new favorite color.”
“God you’re color blind not handicapped, can’t you go shopping yourself?”
“Shut up, I need help distinguishing color brands. Here, munch on this while we finish.” From day one, Kibum never really got along with his husband’s best friend Kim Jonghyun, but he knew Jinki loved the loud blonde to death, so he found himself putting up with his rants on daily basis. Jonghyun wasn’t entirely pleased with his best friend’s lover, not really understanding what in god’s name was so attracting about the young painter to lure his friend into a salivating mess. Over the years they’ve established a rather normal civilized relationship, appearing as good friends in Jinki’s presence and not waiting to pull each other’s hair off the second left alone. Kibum would never admit it, but he truly cared for the older male, knowing that deep down he was a life lasting friend.
Of course, in those moments were the blonde was being purposely annoying, he just wanted to damn it all and throw the male into the big fountain at the main plaza. He could care less about being charge for murder.
“You see this? Jinki and I designed this baby. Isn’t it gorgeous?” He wanted the gag at the way Jonghyun’s eyes sparkled while eyeing the impressive structure of the vast shopping mall. Watching the exquisite architecture of one of the biggest malls in the entire country, with people rushing in and out of shops at any seasons, instantly had his chest swelling up in pride. His husband was extremely talented and successful, being almost harassed on daily basis by rich entrepreneurs with unlimited bank accounts just begging for the successful architect to take their projects.
Rolling his eyes at Jonghyun’s obvious infatuation towards the tall French columns, he dragged the shorter male through the maze of people, spotting his next target situated between Louis Vuitton and Ralph Lauren.
The younger one had concluded long time ago that Jonghyun was deep brown, all earthy and solid at first sight. It was quite obvious too, with his strong jaw and his sharp eyes. Kibum thought the color suited him perfectly, matching his personality dead on, but as brown represented the solid part of the older male’s personality, it also stated that a soft side as chocolate was hiding behind all the toughness. The successful architect was quite the softie when in confidency, and Kibum still remembers with a laugh the first time he went to the movies with Jonghyun, deciding wrongly to watch a drama that had been extremely advertised in the news. He forgot his composure that day, laughing his ass off at the males wailing and his pathetic whispers. It’s fucking sad! He had sobbed at the end, burying his head in his navy blue polo to hide his face from the stares.
“Oh great, it’s your husband.” The girly ringtone piercing the mellow atmosphere in the department store had Kibum brimming happily. He stupidly forgot to bring his cell phone with him, and groaning in frustration, he had to rely on the older’s device throughout the entire shopping trip. Answering the call right away, he quietly pushed the shopping trolley around the store, not paying attention at how Jonghyun whined all his troubles to Jinki.
Life was slowly staying in a normal pattern, stabilizing into a rather solid rhythm. Kibum had slowly become accustomed to his situation, learning to deal with the fact that he couldn’t hope for something to be back when it was probably gone for good. He missed seeing those lively colors, the deep tones and the way paint shimmered between his fingers while painting his thoughts away, but he had to resign to all that.
Jinki had been with him through thick and thin, selflessly helping him overcome his fears. At first, it was all new, scary and unknown, but he slowly found out that life could be possible without its color. Patience had taught me to see beyond his limitations, to push himself and to discover a brand new dimension and even though his inner colors were not as bright and solid as the real ones, they were just enough. Everything around him had its specific tone, just waiting to be discovered. Taemin had a soft baby blue hue all around him, shifting to white from time to times. Minho had been a deep shade of forest green, solid and unchanging, and overall, people were like rainbows before his eyes.
Staring at himself in the mirror one day after showering, he realized just how purple he was. Huffing his cheeks, he tried to mask his disappointment, with no such luck as the strong purple halo started shifting into a pinkish tint. He wasn’t gonna lie, he had hoped for a stronger, manlier color, but sometimes you just gotta accept yourself with your flaws.
“Jinki says he’s gonna meet us for lunch at your favorite restaurant.” Smiling at the thought of seeing his husband, the young painter resumed his shopping, smacking the blonde’s head now and then in pure irritation. It was clear that Kim Jonghyun and shopping was an extremely bad combination, but for today he was gonna have to deal with it.
After many hours of whining later, they found themselves seated at the secluded area of Kibum’s favorite Italian restaurant. That exact same spot had starred his and Jinki’s first date; that had been a total disaster thanks to Jinki’s nervousness and Kibum’s obvious irritation. Ordering a glass of wine, he muttered a soft thanks at the older male submerged in the sea of bags from across the table. To his surprise, Jonghyun had offered to take all his bags, assuming the role of the nice brother in law since him and Jinki had been practically glued from the day they were born until now.
“Jinki is my hero, seriously, how can he put up with all this and STILL love you.” Scowling, he made an attempt to throw a piece of bread stick to his face, but the waiter had an excellent timing, excusing himself while uncorking the red wine.
“So, how’s the seeing with your soul thing going?” He shrugged carelessly, thanking the waiter as his lips tasted the blood red liquid.
“It’s going fine. At least I can tell people’s true colors and stuff.” The smirk portrayed in the older male’s face made him almost snort; knowing that whatever the blonde was thinking was slowly approaching the path of silliness.
“Well, that’s good. I bet you didn’t know sexyness had a color until you saw me with your inner eyes.” He crocked an eyebrow, watching in sheer amusement as the older one pointed at himself with an inflated ego.
“I didn’t know stupidity had a color either. Thank you for showing me that.” His eyes suddenly trailed towards the entrance, tuning out Jonghyun’s remark as he watched his husband entering the crowded establishment. Jinki was quite the eye catch, no doubt about it as waiters and customers tore their eyes from their meal to stare at the gorgeous male. With his crispy black suit, sexy disheveled hair and carefree smile, Kibum’s heart went racing a mile per hour, cheeks flushing red in embarrassment. Marriage surely doesn’t cure you from falling in love with your husband over and over again.
“Hey Jonghyun, hi baby.” The twenty six year old greeted his best friend with a hug, making his way across the table to plant a full kiss over his lover’s lips. Suddenly Kibum felt safe, felt at home as a pair of strong toned arms circled around him just to pull him into closer.
“Dude, next time you need someone to babysit your annoying husband, don’t even think about calling me! My feet have blisters all over them!!” Kibum snorted, wrapping his arms around his husband as a low chuckle erupted from Jinki’s lips.
Lunch passed by in a blur, not even realizing how lonely the restaurant had gotten over the passing hours. Kibum had been so distracted in the conversation that he didn’t notice just how late it was. After a bottle of wine and dessert, he decided it was time to go, having to prepare dinner for his parents since they were coming to visit. Jinki was engaged in a heated discussion with his best friend, talking about the pros and cons of this new project in their hands. He turned around then, watching how the older male’s features sparkled in the dim light of the room. Minute of staring turning into half an hour, and as his gaze softened while hearing his husbands low laughter, it clicked, mutedly and without any warning.
There was nothing yellowish about Jinki, nothing at all. He had been so wrong, thinking that the young architect had that bright color imprinted all over him, when in fact, he had been void of any colors all along. Jinki was translucent, letting light pass through him effortlessly. It was fascinating how Jonghyun’s solid earthy tone shied away from that pure inexistent aura. Somehow Jonghyun's brown and his purple disappeared all around Jinki, morphing into nothingness while keeping its tone. It should’ve been scary, to see his husband missing a color, since Kibum had strongly believed Jinki was a bright colored person, but somehow being transparent suited him perfectly. There were no secrets lurking Jinki’s past, not nasty truths waiting to come out at every corner. It was just him, and his sunny smiles.
“Ready to go?” Check was already paid with an inviting hand waiting to be taken. Kibum smiled then, entwining his fingers together as he let himself be pulled out of the restaurant.
It was extremely hard to match purple. From a painter’s point of view, he knew that, having to think hard before mixing that deep color with a counterpart, but sometimes it was better to leave it like that. Leave it all alone, in a translucent environment to let it shine and pop out. But it was all thanks to that see-through pattern that welcomed all colors that purple, or any color for that matter, could be seen in its full potencial. All thanks to that beautiful liquid glass that let everything pass without any restriction.
“Wha-”
Jinki thought his eyes were playing tricks on him that December morning, blinking one, two, three times just to make sure his mind wasn’t screwing with him. After eight months of quarreling with Kibum’s problems, the young couple had decided it was better for Kibum and for his career to take a break. The joy art once brought to Kibum, it transformed into a painful reality. The younger one had to resign to his passion for a while, drowning himself into a spiral of depression and sadness, and it was why Jinki couldn’t believe his eyes as he watched his husband sitting in front of that once forgotten easel.
“What do you think? Too flashy?” Shaking his head in a trance, his feet slowly took him towards the painter, closing his mouth after a while as the younger one crooked his head while examining his work in progress. He first thought his husband had gotten his sight back, but then he knew it was a silly thought as Kibum clicked his tongue in irritation while eyeing two different shades of red. They probably looked just as gray as his hair, not knowing how to tell the difference in the shades.
“I think it’s perfect.” His heart fluttered in joy as Kibum's lips stretched into a shy smile. He felt like crying, happy with the thought of the younger one reviving his love once again. Some believers would call it a Christmas miracle, and Jinki was ready to become a believer in those moments. He decided to leave his lover to his thoughts, not wanting to disturb his sudden muse. Kissing his cheek softly with a promise of coming back later, he retrieved silently to their room, just to lock himself in the bathroom, collapse on his knees and cry.
With the passing of time, slowly, Kibum got accustomed to this new life. He couldn’t call it normal yet, but after one year, it could be call stable. Finally that grief in Taemin, Minho, and Jinki’s eyes was gone, just replaced with adoration and love. He learned to live with his condition, not wanting to be pitied for the rest of his life, and somehow throughout the whole process of coping, he realized it wasn’t that bad. Having the rarest case of color blindness wasn’t the end of the world; it simply helped you to see the true beauty in life.
He learnt that people often are so blinded by the sparkles and the brightness of the world that they failed to see the beauty within. He learnt that the sky was simply gorgeous in all its grayness, and the clouds looked like mounts of snow on windy evenings. Jinki’s eyes never lost their warmness or their tenderness even in dullness, and surely his friends and family all had that comfortness that had always surrounded them.
He had to shed tears, let out sobs and slip in and out of sadness to realize just how easily the process of accommodating had been. Jinki had made it all better, with his jokes, his smiles, his laughter. He had caked Kibum with light touches, with kisses and tickles. He had made everything all normal, made it seem like being color blind was okay, and on those nights were tears made a surprise appearance, the older one never failed to ebb his pain away.
It was all thanks to Lee Jinki, his husband and his best friend. All those times he felt like losing himself, he was rooted to the ground, secured by Jinki’s strong hold. He never failed to remind him who he was, where he was and what was really worth it in the end. Jinki was the only thing worth in this mess, the only thing that really mattered. Embracing his condition had been like standing in the middle of the storm, loving in it instead of shielding pointless from it.
Feeling finally at peace with his mind and his soul, it didn't feel like quite the shock or surprise when he suddenly started seeing dots of light shaping in his sight. He remained still and quite that evening when his eyes started opening to colors, pupils dilating with the intensity of that familiar brightness. He had missed that world, he wasn’t gonna lie, but Jinki had made his dull colorless life so full and so welcoming that now, as his sight started coming back to life, he received it with a calm appeased mind.
It’s like coming back home He mused, staring at all he had missed during that long year. All his paintings, Jinki’s sketches, his beloved mural; everything felt new yet familiar. Eyes finally landed on that portray he had been working on for the last three months, that sunset he once saw after waking up from an afternoon nap. In those moments, he hadn’t been able to distinguish the harmony between the colors, just trusting his heart and his instincts, but now, seeing it with brand new eyes, he let his emotions cascade.
It was beautiful. Exquisitely balanced in a way that left him breathless. That painting was the most beautiful sunset he had ever seen, with the windows wide open, breeze swaying the curtains away and a flock of birds flying by the horizon. He believed then, right away that there existed such a thing as seeing with your soul. Beauty was too ethereal to be seen with mundane senses, and seeing his new work of art in all his glory was simply fulfilling.
“Hey baby, I’m home.” Twisting around in time to catch his husband taking his suit off by the door, Kibum could only smile in return. He kept quiet as Jinki strode all the way to the living room, pulling him to his warmth while placing a soft kiss against his forehead. He could still see his translucent light, that pureness letting all in.
“I’m home too.” He didn’t know if Jinki caught the meaning behind his words, but his tears somehow gave him away. He was pulled into a tight embrace then, his feet losing the feeling of the ground beneath. A sudden moisture soaked his neck, not sure who’s tears he was getting submerged into at the moment.
“You’ve always been home Kibum.” He felt his purple slowing disappearing into Jinki’s translucent halo, shaping into some unknown colors before disappearing like thin air. Burying his head in Jinki's chest, he marveled over the accelerated heart beating close to his ear, skipping beats now and then.
“I’ll keep you safe.” Jinki sputtered minutes later, “I’ll save you from everything that might cause you pain.”
“Silly-You just did.” Kibum said. That’s all you’ve been doing.
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-> originally posted on ignyte_passion