Castle Fic - Waiting Game, Chapter 6
Title - Waiting Game
Pairing - Beckett/Castle
Rating - PG13ish
Disclaimer - I don't own Castle
Waiting Game - Chapter 6
12:45, 12th precinct, bullpen. Kate's desk
Kate slumped at her desk, her head in one hand, her phone in the other. If she called the office would Dr. Burke be able to counsel her right now, over the phone? She'd never tried that before, but she needed someone to talk her down from the crazy.
Castle wasn't back yet. He'd had to make a phone call, said he'd meet her up here. That had been about a half an hour ago.
Half an hour during which Kate had reminded herself roughly 783 times that there were any number of reasons for Castle to make a phone call to some random woman he'd never mentioned before, most of which were innocuous.
Thirty minutes of staring at the accidental weapons discharge form she was supposed to be filling out, but instead going over and over everything Castle had said before he rushed out of lockup.
Kate needed to talk to him, just to reassure herself everything was okay. Things had gotten so weird right after they'd stopped the cat burglar circus crime ring from vanishing via hypnotism and underwear. Well, weirder.
And she'd been feeling so, so... the only word she could think of was powerful. She'd just made a joke about taking Castle to bed in front of two guards and a ton of criminals. She'd made this joke to Castle, who, no matter how used he was to her teasing, was probably having a hard time dismissing it as just flirtation.
It most definitely skirted the line of what was acceptable to say to your co-worker, but in the moment Kate couldn't even care. Castle's shock prevented him from disguising his delight and sheer sexual hunger, his eyes flaring with heat. For once, instead of wanting to run she'd just felt awesome.
She'd felt clear-headed, decisive, sexy, fun, and in that moment she regretted nothing.
And then...
***
roughly 30 minutes earlier, 12th precinct, lockup, right before things got weird(er)
Kate can't believe she really said it.
From the look on Castle's face - a cross between being hit over the head and going downstairs on Christmas morning - he can't believe it either. It was supposed to be a joke, but it may have put Castle over the edge, because the look on his face was rapidly changing from shock to pure, undisguised sexual hunger, so strong that Kate felt it like a blast of heat. It washed over her, setting every nerve on fire, and for a second everyone around them disappeared.
She took half a step forward, her heart pounding, her eyes locked to his, when backup arrived, four uniforms burst in behind her, their guns drawn, shouting at everyone to get down. Castle broke eye contact as his gaze flew behind her, right before he dropped face first to the floor.
Noise exploded around them again as Kate abruptly remembered that they weren't actually alone, but were surrounded by insanity. The hypnotist girl would not accept that it was over and was still wailing in her cell. The guy who tried to grab her gun was screaming, cradling his hand. And the ferret...
Was no where to be seen.
Kate shook her head, trying to regain her equilibrium, trying to shake the desire, the need just to touch him. The constant mood shifts were making her dizzy, pushing her to a breaking point. If she could just talk to Castle for five minutes without some sort of emotional or animal related emergency interrupting. She wasn't even sure if she was ready to say anything, but she wasn't going to find out in this mad house.
Kate glanced down at Castle prone on the floor, his hands behind his head. Ooookay. The first step was getting Castle upright.
Kate tucked her gun in her belt and stepped to the side to get out of the way of the incoming officers. Castle couldn't see her, so she didn't bother trying to alter her expression, to hold back the tender fondness shining from her eyes. “Castle. They don't mean you.”
His face was in the floor, his voice muffled. “Newbie over there almost shot me. The day we're having, I'm not taking any chances.”
He had a point.
****
5 minutes later, 12th precinct, lockup, yada yada yada
Five minutes later and everyone had been secured with the exception of the ferret, which Kate hadn't seen since it nearly tripped Castle. So close. Ryan was going to be devastated.
Kate turned from briefing the investigating officer from Robbery - never before had she had to say “panties” so many times in an official capacity - to find Jablonski, the guard who managed to stay conscious, beckoning her over.
“Thanks for your help.” He reached out to shake her hand. “I think we've got it under control. You and Mr. Castle can take off.” He nodded at Castle, who was still talking to Detective Walker. He had manged to mention the panties at least twice as many times as she had, she was sure. He looked up at the sound of his name, the heat in his eyes still making her knees wobbly.
“Yeah,” interrupted the younger guard, the one who would have shot Castle if he hadn't gotten re-hypnotized. “We don't want to keep you guys. Sounds like you have places to be. Plans.” His lips twisted as he tried to keep a straight face. “It's too bad you lost your ferret. That sounded....interesting.”
Kate merely raised her eyebrows at the guy, knowing that this was but a drop in the bucket of possible co-worker related hazing, but she happened to catch Castle's face as he headed toward her. He had obviously heard. His eyes were shifting from her to the guard, the heat gone, his expression now unreadable.
“Hey.” He stepped up next to her, carefully not touching her, respectfully out of her personal space. “Are we good to go?”
Castle was only a step or two away but it was so unusual for them that it was making Kate uncomfortable. Without thinking she took a step closer.
He stepped back.
For a second Kate was so surprised her mind went blank. It was as if she'd been hit with a rush of ice water, and was so startled she actually sucked in a breath that was almost a gasp.
Castle smiled at her like everything was fine. Normal, like he hadn't just stared at her like he wanted to rip her clothes off, then jumped back like he couldn't bear to have her close. Kate felt her eyebrows draw together, her heart rate pick up.
Immediately Castle's face shifted to concern. He reached out a hand as if to cup her elbow before dropping it to his side, his fingers clenching in a fist. “You okay?”
The young guard muttered to himself, barely audible, “She will be once you get her to the bedroom.”
Oh, honestly. Kate knew she was going to get some ribbing for her comment to Castle, but she wasn't taking anymore from Officer Newbie McShoots over there.
“I'm sorry, what?” Her voice was loud, her glare withering, her hand resting on her gun. “I didn't quite hear you.”
The guard jumped, “Uh, nothing?” She could actually see the blush creeping up his neck, staining his face red. He threw a desperate glance to Jablonski as if for help, but just got a head shake.
“Oh, sorry. My mistake.” Kate sent him a disdainful smile that turned into a smirk as she turned away. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Detective Walker and Jablonski trying to contain their own smiles.
“Yeah, Castle, I'm fine.” She hooked her hand through his elbow and started to step away.
Behind her Jablonski coughed. “Thanks again. You two...have fun.”
Kate paused but didn't turn around. Jablonski wouldn't be intimidated by a glare, dammit, and it's not like she hadn't known this would happen. As long as Gates didn't hear about it...
The thought of Gates sent a shiver of fear running through her before she ruthlessly squashed it down. Kate had enjoyed these last five minutes of feeling confident and unafraid. She wasn't going to worry. Gates wouldn't hear, everything was fine. She started down the hall, tugging on Castle's arm.
Castle, who wasn't moving. Her hand was still looped around his elbow. He wasn't shaking her off, but he wasn't really leaning into her, either. He seemed to be holding himself unnaturally still, his eyes fixed and steady, like he was studying her. “You're sure you're fine?”
“Yeah.” She smiled and shrugged her shoulders, trying to shake off the weird vibe she was getting from him, trying to go for normal. “I just can't believe that after all of that we didn't get the ferret.” Okay, relatively normal.
“But we foiled a cat burglar circus crime ring. You can’t say that every day.” Castle was smiling, his expression relaxed, but he was still holding himself so carefully, oddly apart from her.
“True.”
Jablonski and Detective Walker were no longer paying them any attention. They had moved down the hall and were having a serious discussion about the proper procedure for confiscating the underwear chain as evidence. They seemed to be debating whether they had a legal or moral obligation to provide the cat squad with panties.
But that newbie guard...Kate sighed. He was trying to surreptitiously observe them while he checked the locks on each cell, and was totally failing at the “surreptitious” part. Kate hoped he never went out for Vice, because he would suck at undercover work. Lord, he was an idiot.
Castle's face darkened as he turned and started walking down the hallway. “That guy's fucking worthless.”
Kate blinked, his language and his sudden vehemence startling her. “Because he almost shot you?”
Castle jerked his eyes back to her. “What? No. He just...”
He was glaring at the guy, his face so serious, furious. For a moment there was something in eyes, something she'd never seen... “He just needs to pay attention to his job.”
“Okay.” Kate wasn't sure what to think, what to say. Castle never criticized police officers. Never. And this guy, while not the brightest, hadn't done anything to warrant this kind of anger, even if he had almost shot Castle.
And this was Castle. He didn't do moody and angry. Kate felt the unease she'd been trying to tap down start to spread, her shoulders tensing up.
Just then the theme music from Harry Potter started chiming, muffled but unmistakable. Castle stepped away, gently disengaging her hand, and dug his phone out of his pocket. “Sorry.” He held it up. The screen was filled with a picture of Hogwarts. “Alexis's school.”
He listened for a second, then dropped the phone back in his pocket, once again moving for the exit. “Automated message. School’s been closed because of the blizzard. I wonder why Alexis hasn’t called?”
“Maybe she's waiting until she gets home. Call her when we get upstairs.”
Castle nodded without looking at her, and again Kate felt that odd breathlessness she was trying to ignore. She was not going to overreact.
They were just turning into the main hallway when the elevator opened at the other end. Kate saw Jenkins step out followed by…seriously?
Kate stopped, staring, because it was still amazing. “Just wait, Castle.” The clowns started piling out and filing past in a seemingly never ending line down the narrow hallway. “It's going to be a minute until the elevator's free.”
Jenkins winked as he passed her, almost smiling. He was obviously getting a kick out of this. Kate was glad someone's day was going well.
Castle huffed. “They’re just getting down here? How long were they in interrogation?”
“Yeah, but…” Kate pressed herself against the wall so the clowns would have room to pass, her side brushing up against Castle. She told herself she had to be imagining it when it seemed like he flinched. “...it had to take a while. That’s a lot of clowns.”
Castle's face was strained, the lines around his mouth tight. “Kate, just say excuse me, you can squeeze through. You’re tiny.” He was trying not to touch her while still herding her towards the end of the hall.
They had almost reached the end of the clown pack when Kate stopped. “Shoot. I meant to count them if I saw them again. How many do you think there are?”
“Don’t stop, don’t turn back. Let’s just get out of here.” Castle was still hustling her along the hallway, resolutely facing forward.
Kate stared at him in disbelief. Who was this guy? “You’re not interested? You.”
Castle opened his mouth to respond, his face a knot of frustration, when his text message alert went off, the sound bouncing off the walls in the narrow corridor. It always disappointed Kate that it was just a boring chime. Castle fumbled for his phone, digging in his pocket again while he tried to steer Kate and dodge clowns.
“Sorry, I've just been waiting...” He got his phone out right as they cleared the clowns. Castle abruptly stopped, his head bent over the phone, eyes on the screen. As he read his face finally relaxed, that odd, stilted look draining away. He took a deep breath, the corners of his mouth tilting up.
Kate didn’t mean to do it, but she was right in front of him, facing him, and it wasn't her fault if she could read upside down.
Got your message about tomorrow night. That will definitely work. I'll call you.
The sender was someone named Betina.
Castle’s lips were still quirked into a small smile. “Listen. I’ll meet you upstairs, okay? I need to make this call.”
“Okay.” Her voice was neutral but inside alarm bells were going off.
Castle smiled at her, distracted. He brushed past, heading for the stairwell, his hand trailing lightly against her elbow for a moment before he snatched it back, as if he'd forgotten touching her was something he wasn't doing.
Kate felt short of breath, unbalanced, like she had missed a step coming down the stairs and had to reorient herself. Carefully she breathed in and out, reminding herself that everything was probably fine, that there was no reason to over-react, like she had in the elevator.
Betina? She didn’t know of any Betina, but it was impossible to know all of Castle’s entourage. She was probably an editor, or a publicist, or an assistant to a publicist, or an editor's assistant. Probably.
Kate stood still in the dim hallway, her eyebrows furrowed, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in her stomach. It was most likely something to do with an upcoming book signing, or maybe that photo shoot he had mentioned. She was sure it was nothing.
Kate wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly noticing the chill. It had better be nothing.
******
12:46, 12th precinct. Back at Kate's desk. Still no Castle.
Exactly how long did one damn phone call take, anyway?
Kate put down her phone. She couldn't call Dr. Burke. She was pretty sure he didn't do sessions over the the phone, but even if he did, she couldn't talk about all of her Castle-related insecurities in the middle of the bullpen.
Aside from the obvious reasons, the way this day was going she was likely to be interrupted by escaped cobras, or a pack of ninjas, or an elephant. Maybe Spiderman would show up outside the window. Maybe Castle's girlfriend would walk in.
Kate took a deep, shaky breath, and reined in her anxious thoughts. He didn't have a girlfriend. He didn't.
She wished Lanie were still here.
Kate briefly contemplated confiding in Esposito. Not that she would tell him everything, but if she presented the story of Castle's weirdness as concern for Castle's well-being, rather than concern that Castle had a date tomorrow night, it might work, even if Esposito had gotten unusually good at seeing through her bullshit where her emotions were concerned.
But Esposito had his own problems today. And who was she kidding? He would totally see through her bullshit.
Ryan she didn't even consider. He'd been devastated when he'd heard they had come so close to catching the ferret. He was sitting at his desk, silently sulking, even though Kate had apologized about a thousand times.
“Yo, Beckett. Where's Castle? Still in bed?”
Esposito was exiting the break room, heading in her direction with what could only be described as a shit-eating grin. Jablonski must have texted him before she was even out of lockup. Awesome. Tax dollars at work.
Kate just managed to keep her face blasé. “If that's where you left him.”
Espostio ignored her completely. “And while I appreciate your dedication to duty, you didn't have to try and actually shoot the ferret.”
Ryan looked up from his desk, grinning, “Yeah, Beckett. That was above and beyond.”
Her humiliation seemed to have brought the boys back together, given them something to bond over. Wonderful. Kate was so, so pleased for them.
Kate lifted the weapons form and waved it in the air. “Hey. What should I put down for Reason for weapons discharge? How does, attempting to detain Ryan's secret, escaped, against-regulations ferret sound? Think Gates will find that acceptable?”
The smirk dropped off Ryan's face. “Now, wait. I thought it was an accidental weapons discharge because Castle knocked you over.”
“Maybe because he tripped over your ferret.”
Esposito paused at Ryan's desk. “I thought he didn't trip over the ferret until he went after the underwear.”
Kate's mouth dropped open. “Seriously, did Jablonski send you a video or something? How did you know that?”
“Oh, everyone knows.”
“Great.”
A uniform, the one who started last week, faltered as he passed them, obviously overhearing. Esposito gave him the head nod. “Hey, man. 'Sup.”
The new guy muttered something and scurried away, trying unsuccessfully to hide the look on his face that said he thought they were all crazy. Or perverts.
“So,” Ryan glanced around, checking that the coast was clear of Gates, who had to be the only person left in the precinct who didn't know about the ferret. That was going to make her extra pissed when she eventually and inevitably found out. “if Castle didn't trip over the ferret, why did he knock you down?”
Kate was amazed they hadn't heard this part. It was the best part. “He wasn't really conscious. He was hypnotized like everyone else.”
Ryan and Esposito immediately started snickering, just like she knew they would, but for a second she remembered Castle's head smacking the floor. How he was unconscious in the middle of the pandemonium, and she couldn't find it funny.
“So he passed out on you?” Ryan had no trouble finding it hilarious.
“So overcome by Castle's manly physique dragging you to the floor that you dropped your gun, huh?” Esposito waggled his eyebrows and gave her his sexy face.
Kate snorted and picked up her pen. “You give Lanie that face? No wonder she left.”
Esposito tossed himself into Castle's chair. “Nah, she loves my face. She's on her way back to the morgue, a body was brought in." He held up his hand at her indrawn breath. "Don't get excited, it's not for us. It's Carver's team."
"Dammit."
Ryan jerked his head towards the elevator. “There's Castle.”
Kate twisted around in time to watch Castle pivot away from them, staring down at his phone as he headed for the break room.
“Well, there he was.” Ryan stood up. “I'm gonna get some coffee, too. You guys want some?”
Kate shook her head as she watched Castle walk away, still intent on his phone. She wanted to follow him but she told herself that was ridiculous. Everything was fine. She lay her hands flat against her desk to stop the shaking; tried to ignore that her stomach was slowly twisting into knots. Totally fine.
****
12:58 pm, 12th precinct, bullpen
Castle stepped off the elevator and headed into the bullpen, his steps slowing when he saw Kate was already back at her desk. He’d hoped for a couple more minutes.
He’d never been so glad to get a text message before. Never been glad to have an excuse to get away from Kate.
Castle had no idea what had been going on with them in the elevator and lockup. She had seemed upset, but then she seemed okay, and then maybe they had turned some sort of corner, but then they were sort of back to normal.
They had foiled a hypnotist and found random underwear and she'd made that ridiculous joke about the panties and the ferret and his bedroom, and oh God, he takes that back, because no joke that Kate makes about them being together in a bedroom is ever, ever ridiculous.
Especially since it was what had pushed him over the edge. He knew it was a joke, he knew it and yet his mind completely skipped over the joke and went directly to part about Kate. In his bedroom.
She was standing in front of him, her eyes lit up, so pleased with herself. Her hair was rumpled and her face was flushed and she was smiling, having fun, and if four armed cops hadn't appeared, threatening to shoot them, he's positive he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from grabbing her. Yanking her to him so he could feel all of her against him. Running his hand up her shirt to feel her skin, kissing her, hard, like he'd wanted to for years.
Castle took a deep breath. Just thinking about it was making him hot, his skin too tight. It's a good thing the cops burst in, or he would have given those asshole guards something to really talk about.
Castle felt his stomach clench, remembered rage still making him want to punch something. Kate had mentioned before that she sometimes got a hard from some of the guys for Nikki Heat, for her association with him. She usually brought it up when she was mad at him.
It seems unfathomable now, but he used to find it sort of funny. Shame washed through him. Shame that he was the reason she had to put up with that shit; shame for the guy he'd been. Because now he can't imagine what the hell had been wrong with him. The sudden, all encompassing rage he'd felt when that asshole had opened his stupid mouth, like he had some right to even think about her like that...
He'd felt like he was going to explode. His anger, his desire, all roiling together with no outlet, no escape, and he couldn't be near her, couldn't touch her. He'd had to get out of there, away from her, just to calm down.
God, that fucking guard. It took almost as much effort not to punch him in his disrespectful mouth as it did not to kiss Kate.
Granted, Kate could take care of herself, and she hadn't seemed to really get why he was angry...
Seriously, he had no idea what was going on.
His overwhelming want was clouding his senses, muddling his mind, making it impossible to think.
Castle wasn’t positive he hadn’t invented all of it - the whole emotional roller-coaster ride of a morning - in his own head. All he knew for sure was that if he’d had to spend even one more minute with some part of her body pressed up against him he was going to kiss her, and probably ruin everything.
Except, maybe not. That was the problem. He was so worked up, so painfully aroused, that he was no longer a reliable witness. He wanted her so badly that he was mistaking her every gesture, twisting it into what he wanted it to be.
Although her hand against his bare skin and her lips brushing his was pretty difficult to misinterpret.
Unless that had been a complete accident. In which case, never mind.
Castle could remember a time - a time before Kate - when he could feel aroused without also feeling like a ninth grade boy, desperate just to touch her, all anxiety and frantic, futile longing. He’s not sure he’d ever felt like that before, even when he was actually in the ninth grade.
His playboy reputation was somewhat exaggerated…okay, no it wasn’t. He’d always had a way with the ladies, but he’d never had to want anyone as long as he’d wanted Kate. With any other woman the delayed gratification would have dulled the want, decreased his interest, but not with Kate.
With her he’s so far gone now that he knows having her won’t stop the wanting. Nothing ever will. She could have died that awful day, under that falsely bright sun, and he still would have wanted her, every minute, until the day he joined her in the ground.
Earlier on, when Castle was still able to tell himself that what he felt for her was just an unusually intense sexual attraction, he wondered if that was the very reason why, her unavailability. He wouldn’t be the first man to want what he couldn’t have just because he couldn’t have it, even if that wasn’t his typical m.o. Usually he liked women who liked him back, who were just as ready for fun as he was.
But Kate…
In the beginning there were moments when she seemed to actually dislike him, but that didn’t stop the wanting. It only seemed to intensify it, and at first Castle didn’t understand. Sure, sometimes the chase was fun, but not when he knew he was never going to catch her.
He knows now that what he felt for her was always more, right from the beginning, when she blew him out of his doldrums and launched his very life onto a new trajectory.
He'd based a whole series of books on her so he could have an excuse to follow her around all day. Who did that? It was so transparent it was laughable, and Castle can’t believe he’s gotten away with it. Can't believe that Kate didn’t understand exactly why he was there, what he felt for her, from the very beginning.
But maybe she didn’t.
Castle rubbed his hands over his face. Maybe she honestly didn’t know. He didn't. Not at first.
The moment he recognized the reality of his feelings for her was outside her apartment building, flames licking against the sky, his ears ringing, his phone useless in his hand. He still couldn’t articulate it, probably because there was no room in his head for anything but the sheer gut-tearing fear. Castle doesn’t even remember running into the building. One minute he was on the sidewalk, blinded by the heat, and the next he was throwing himself at her door.
He'd felt the same jerky, disjointed sense of lost time when Lockwood tried to shoot her. Castle remembered the abrupt, horrifying comprehension that Lockwood had Kate in his sights, but then nothing but a haze of panic-fueled rage until he came to himself, Lockwood unconscious beneath him. His hand aching and bloody, Kate calling his name, safe. Safe and alive.
Castle wished the last time had been like that. Wished that, like Kate, he had no memory of the cemetery; of the flash of the scope, of the the way realization hit him just as the bullet hit her. He dove for her anyway, but he already knew. He was too late, and for one dreadful, devastating moment that lasted months and months, he was sure he had lost her forever.
Castle stood by the elevator and watched her talking with Ryan and Esposito before slowly turning and heading for the break room. He couldn’t go over there yet. Kate would see everything in his face. He wasn’t sure exactly what she did want, but he was pretty sure she wasn't ready for the full force of his love to crash over her like a tidal wave.
He pulled out his phone. He’d double check and make sure Alexis got home okay.
Castle stepped into the break room and dialed. The phone rang four times before someone answered. It wasn’t Alexis.
Pairing - Beckett/Castle
Rating - PG13ish
Disclaimer - I don't own Castle
Waiting Game - Chapter 6
12:45, 12th precinct, bullpen. Kate's desk
Kate slumped at her desk, her head in one hand, her phone in the other. If she called the office would Dr. Burke be able to counsel her right now, over the phone? She'd never tried that before, but she needed someone to talk her down from the crazy.
Castle wasn't back yet. He'd had to make a phone call, said he'd meet her up here. That had been about a half an hour ago.
Half an hour during which Kate had reminded herself roughly 783 times that there were any number of reasons for Castle to make a phone call to some random woman he'd never mentioned before, most of which were innocuous.
Thirty minutes of staring at the accidental weapons discharge form she was supposed to be filling out, but instead going over and over everything Castle had said before he rushed out of lockup.
Kate needed to talk to him, just to reassure herself everything was okay. Things had gotten so weird right after they'd stopped the cat burglar circus crime ring from vanishing via hypnotism and underwear. Well, weirder.
And she'd been feeling so, so... the only word she could think of was powerful. She'd just made a joke about taking Castle to bed in front of two guards and a ton of criminals. She'd made this joke to Castle, who, no matter how used he was to her teasing, was probably having a hard time dismissing it as just flirtation.
It most definitely skirted the line of what was acceptable to say to your co-worker, but in the moment Kate couldn't even care. Castle's shock prevented him from disguising his delight and sheer sexual hunger, his eyes flaring with heat. For once, instead of wanting to run she'd just felt awesome.
She'd felt clear-headed, decisive, sexy, fun, and in that moment she regretted nothing.
And then...
***
roughly 30 minutes earlier, 12th precinct, lockup, right before things got weird(er)
Kate can't believe she really said it.
From the look on Castle's face - a cross between being hit over the head and going downstairs on Christmas morning - he can't believe it either. It was supposed to be a joke, but it may have put Castle over the edge, because the look on his face was rapidly changing from shock to pure, undisguised sexual hunger, so strong that Kate felt it like a blast of heat. It washed over her, setting every nerve on fire, and for a second everyone around them disappeared.
She took half a step forward, her heart pounding, her eyes locked to his, when backup arrived, four uniforms burst in behind her, their guns drawn, shouting at everyone to get down. Castle broke eye contact as his gaze flew behind her, right before he dropped face first to the floor.
Noise exploded around them again as Kate abruptly remembered that they weren't actually alone, but were surrounded by insanity. The hypnotist girl would not accept that it was over and was still wailing in her cell. The guy who tried to grab her gun was screaming, cradling his hand. And the ferret...
Was no where to be seen.
Kate shook her head, trying to regain her equilibrium, trying to shake the desire, the need just to touch him. The constant mood shifts were making her dizzy, pushing her to a breaking point. If she could just talk to Castle for five minutes without some sort of emotional or animal related emergency interrupting. She wasn't even sure if she was ready to say anything, but she wasn't going to find out in this mad house.
Kate glanced down at Castle prone on the floor, his hands behind his head. Ooookay. The first step was getting Castle upright.
Kate tucked her gun in her belt and stepped to the side to get out of the way of the incoming officers. Castle couldn't see her, so she didn't bother trying to alter her expression, to hold back the tender fondness shining from her eyes. “Castle. They don't mean you.”
His face was in the floor, his voice muffled. “Newbie over there almost shot me. The day we're having, I'm not taking any chances.”
He had a point.
****
5 minutes later, 12th precinct, lockup, yada yada yada
Five minutes later and everyone had been secured with the exception of the ferret, which Kate hadn't seen since it nearly tripped Castle. So close. Ryan was going to be devastated.
Kate turned from briefing the investigating officer from Robbery - never before had she had to say “panties” so many times in an official capacity - to find Jablonski, the guard who managed to stay conscious, beckoning her over.
“Thanks for your help.” He reached out to shake her hand. “I think we've got it under control. You and Mr. Castle can take off.” He nodded at Castle, who was still talking to Detective Walker. He had manged to mention the panties at least twice as many times as she had, she was sure. He looked up at the sound of his name, the heat in his eyes still making her knees wobbly.
“Yeah,” interrupted the younger guard, the one who would have shot Castle if he hadn't gotten re-hypnotized. “We don't want to keep you guys. Sounds like you have places to be. Plans.” His lips twisted as he tried to keep a straight face. “It's too bad you lost your ferret. That sounded....interesting.”
Kate merely raised her eyebrows at the guy, knowing that this was but a drop in the bucket of possible co-worker related hazing, but she happened to catch Castle's face as he headed toward her. He had obviously heard. His eyes were shifting from her to the guard, the heat gone, his expression now unreadable.
“Hey.” He stepped up next to her, carefully not touching her, respectfully out of her personal space. “Are we good to go?”
Castle was only a step or two away but it was so unusual for them that it was making Kate uncomfortable. Without thinking she took a step closer.
He stepped back.
For a second Kate was so surprised her mind went blank. It was as if she'd been hit with a rush of ice water, and was so startled she actually sucked in a breath that was almost a gasp.
Castle smiled at her like everything was fine. Normal, like he hadn't just stared at her like he wanted to rip her clothes off, then jumped back like he couldn't bear to have her close. Kate felt her eyebrows draw together, her heart rate pick up.
Immediately Castle's face shifted to concern. He reached out a hand as if to cup her elbow before dropping it to his side, his fingers clenching in a fist. “You okay?”
The young guard muttered to himself, barely audible, “She will be once you get her to the bedroom.”
Oh, honestly. Kate knew she was going to get some ribbing for her comment to Castle, but she wasn't taking anymore from Officer Newbie McShoots over there.
“I'm sorry, what?” Her voice was loud, her glare withering, her hand resting on her gun. “I didn't quite hear you.”
The guard jumped, “Uh, nothing?” She could actually see the blush creeping up his neck, staining his face red. He threw a desperate glance to Jablonski as if for help, but just got a head shake.
“Oh, sorry. My mistake.” Kate sent him a disdainful smile that turned into a smirk as she turned away. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Detective Walker and Jablonski trying to contain their own smiles.
“Yeah, Castle, I'm fine.” She hooked her hand through his elbow and started to step away.
Behind her Jablonski coughed. “Thanks again. You two...have fun.”
Kate paused but didn't turn around. Jablonski wouldn't be intimidated by a glare, dammit, and it's not like she hadn't known this would happen. As long as Gates didn't hear about it...
The thought of Gates sent a shiver of fear running through her before she ruthlessly squashed it down. Kate had enjoyed these last five minutes of feeling confident and unafraid. She wasn't going to worry. Gates wouldn't hear, everything was fine. She started down the hall, tugging on Castle's arm.
Castle, who wasn't moving. Her hand was still looped around his elbow. He wasn't shaking her off, but he wasn't really leaning into her, either. He seemed to be holding himself unnaturally still, his eyes fixed and steady, like he was studying her. “You're sure you're fine?”
“Yeah.” She smiled and shrugged her shoulders, trying to shake off the weird vibe she was getting from him, trying to go for normal. “I just can't believe that after all of that we didn't get the ferret.” Okay, relatively normal.
“But we foiled a cat burglar circus crime ring. You can’t say that every day.” Castle was smiling, his expression relaxed, but he was still holding himself so carefully, oddly apart from her.
“True.”
Jablonski and Detective Walker were no longer paying them any attention. They had moved down the hall and were having a serious discussion about the proper procedure for confiscating the underwear chain as evidence. They seemed to be debating whether they had a legal or moral obligation to provide the cat squad with panties.
But that newbie guard...Kate sighed. He was trying to surreptitiously observe them while he checked the locks on each cell, and was totally failing at the “surreptitious” part. Kate hoped he never went out for Vice, because he would suck at undercover work. Lord, he was an idiot.
Castle's face darkened as he turned and started walking down the hallway. “That guy's fucking worthless.”
Kate blinked, his language and his sudden vehemence startling her. “Because he almost shot you?”
Castle jerked his eyes back to her. “What? No. He just...”
He was glaring at the guy, his face so serious, furious. For a moment there was something in eyes, something she'd never seen... “He just needs to pay attention to his job.”
“Okay.” Kate wasn't sure what to think, what to say. Castle never criticized police officers. Never. And this guy, while not the brightest, hadn't done anything to warrant this kind of anger, even if he had almost shot Castle.
And this was Castle. He didn't do moody and angry. Kate felt the unease she'd been trying to tap down start to spread, her shoulders tensing up.
Just then the theme music from Harry Potter started chiming, muffled but unmistakable. Castle stepped away, gently disengaging her hand, and dug his phone out of his pocket. “Sorry.” He held it up. The screen was filled with a picture of Hogwarts. “Alexis's school.”
He listened for a second, then dropped the phone back in his pocket, once again moving for the exit. “Automated message. School’s been closed because of the blizzard. I wonder why Alexis hasn’t called?”
“Maybe she's waiting until she gets home. Call her when we get upstairs.”
Castle nodded without looking at her, and again Kate felt that odd breathlessness she was trying to ignore. She was not going to overreact.
They were just turning into the main hallway when the elevator opened at the other end. Kate saw Jenkins step out followed by…seriously?
Kate stopped, staring, because it was still amazing. “Just wait, Castle.” The clowns started piling out and filing past in a seemingly never ending line down the narrow hallway. “It's going to be a minute until the elevator's free.”
Jenkins winked as he passed her, almost smiling. He was obviously getting a kick out of this. Kate was glad someone's day was going well.
Castle huffed. “They’re just getting down here? How long were they in interrogation?”
“Yeah, but…” Kate pressed herself against the wall so the clowns would have room to pass, her side brushing up against Castle. She told herself she had to be imagining it when it seemed like he flinched. “...it had to take a while. That’s a lot of clowns.”
Castle's face was strained, the lines around his mouth tight. “Kate, just say excuse me, you can squeeze through. You’re tiny.” He was trying not to touch her while still herding her towards the end of the hall.
They had almost reached the end of the clown pack when Kate stopped. “Shoot. I meant to count them if I saw them again. How many do you think there are?”
“Don’t stop, don’t turn back. Let’s just get out of here.” Castle was still hustling her along the hallway, resolutely facing forward.
Kate stared at him in disbelief. Who was this guy? “You’re not interested? You.”
Castle opened his mouth to respond, his face a knot of frustration, when his text message alert went off, the sound bouncing off the walls in the narrow corridor. It always disappointed Kate that it was just a boring chime. Castle fumbled for his phone, digging in his pocket again while he tried to steer Kate and dodge clowns.
“Sorry, I've just been waiting...” He got his phone out right as they cleared the clowns. Castle abruptly stopped, his head bent over the phone, eyes on the screen. As he read his face finally relaxed, that odd, stilted look draining away. He took a deep breath, the corners of his mouth tilting up.
Kate didn’t mean to do it, but she was right in front of him, facing him, and it wasn't her fault if she could read upside down.
Got your message about tomorrow night. That will definitely work. I'll call you.
The sender was someone named Betina.
Castle’s lips were still quirked into a small smile. “Listen. I’ll meet you upstairs, okay? I need to make this call.”
“Okay.” Her voice was neutral but inside alarm bells were going off.
Castle smiled at her, distracted. He brushed past, heading for the stairwell, his hand trailing lightly against her elbow for a moment before he snatched it back, as if he'd forgotten touching her was something he wasn't doing.
Kate felt short of breath, unbalanced, like she had missed a step coming down the stairs and had to reorient herself. Carefully she breathed in and out, reminding herself that everything was probably fine, that there was no reason to over-react, like she had in the elevator.
Betina? She didn’t know of any Betina, but it was impossible to know all of Castle’s entourage. She was probably an editor, or a publicist, or an assistant to a publicist, or an editor's assistant. Probably.
Kate stood still in the dim hallway, her eyebrows furrowed, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in her stomach. It was most likely something to do with an upcoming book signing, or maybe that photo shoot he had mentioned. She was sure it was nothing.
Kate wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly noticing the chill. It had better be nothing.
******
12:46, 12th precinct. Back at Kate's desk. Still no Castle.
Exactly how long did one damn phone call take, anyway?
Kate put down her phone. She couldn't call Dr. Burke. She was pretty sure he didn't do sessions over the the phone, but even if he did, she couldn't talk about all of her Castle-related insecurities in the middle of the bullpen.
Aside from the obvious reasons, the way this day was going she was likely to be interrupted by escaped cobras, or a pack of ninjas, or an elephant. Maybe Spiderman would show up outside the window. Maybe Castle's girlfriend would walk in.
Kate took a deep, shaky breath, and reined in her anxious thoughts. He didn't have a girlfriend. He didn't.
She wished Lanie were still here.
Kate briefly contemplated confiding in Esposito. Not that she would tell him everything, but if she presented the story of Castle's weirdness as concern for Castle's well-being, rather than concern that Castle had a date tomorrow night, it might work, even if Esposito had gotten unusually good at seeing through her bullshit where her emotions were concerned.
But Esposito had his own problems today. And who was she kidding? He would totally see through her bullshit.
Ryan she didn't even consider. He'd been devastated when he'd heard they had come so close to catching the ferret. He was sitting at his desk, silently sulking, even though Kate had apologized about a thousand times.
“Yo, Beckett. Where's Castle? Still in bed?”
Esposito was exiting the break room, heading in her direction with what could only be described as a shit-eating grin. Jablonski must have texted him before she was even out of lockup. Awesome. Tax dollars at work.
Kate just managed to keep her face blasé. “If that's where you left him.”
Espostio ignored her completely. “And while I appreciate your dedication to duty, you didn't have to try and actually shoot the ferret.”
Ryan looked up from his desk, grinning, “Yeah, Beckett. That was above and beyond.”
Her humiliation seemed to have brought the boys back together, given them something to bond over. Wonderful. Kate was so, so pleased for them.
Kate lifted the weapons form and waved it in the air. “Hey. What should I put down for Reason for weapons discharge? How does, attempting to detain Ryan's secret, escaped, against-regulations ferret sound? Think Gates will find that acceptable?”
The smirk dropped off Ryan's face. “Now, wait. I thought it was an accidental weapons discharge because Castle knocked you over.”
“Maybe because he tripped over your ferret.”
Esposito paused at Ryan's desk. “I thought he didn't trip over the ferret until he went after the underwear.”
Kate's mouth dropped open. “Seriously, did Jablonski send you a video or something? How did you know that?”
“Oh, everyone knows.”
“Great.”
A uniform, the one who started last week, faltered as he passed them, obviously overhearing. Esposito gave him the head nod. “Hey, man. 'Sup.”
The new guy muttered something and scurried away, trying unsuccessfully to hide the look on his face that said he thought they were all crazy. Or perverts.
“So,” Ryan glanced around, checking that the coast was clear of Gates, who had to be the only person left in the precinct who didn't know about the ferret. That was going to make her extra pissed when she eventually and inevitably found out. “if Castle didn't trip over the ferret, why did he knock you down?”
Kate was amazed they hadn't heard this part. It was the best part. “He wasn't really conscious. He was hypnotized like everyone else.”
Ryan and Esposito immediately started snickering, just like she knew they would, but for a second she remembered Castle's head smacking the floor. How he was unconscious in the middle of the pandemonium, and she couldn't find it funny.
“So he passed out on you?” Ryan had no trouble finding it hilarious.
“So overcome by Castle's manly physique dragging you to the floor that you dropped your gun, huh?” Esposito waggled his eyebrows and gave her his sexy face.
Kate snorted and picked up her pen. “You give Lanie that face? No wonder she left.”
Esposito tossed himself into Castle's chair. “Nah, she loves my face. She's on her way back to the morgue, a body was brought in." He held up his hand at her indrawn breath. "Don't get excited, it's not for us. It's Carver's team."
"Dammit."
Ryan jerked his head towards the elevator. “There's Castle.”
Kate twisted around in time to watch Castle pivot away from them, staring down at his phone as he headed for the break room.
“Well, there he was.” Ryan stood up. “I'm gonna get some coffee, too. You guys want some?”
Kate shook her head as she watched Castle walk away, still intent on his phone. She wanted to follow him but she told herself that was ridiculous. Everything was fine. She lay her hands flat against her desk to stop the shaking; tried to ignore that her stomach was slowly twisting into knots. Totally fine.
****
12:58 pm, 12th precinct, bullpen
Castle stepped off the elevator and headed into the bullpen, his steps slowing when he saw Kate was already back at her desk. He’d hoped for a couple more minutes.
He’d never been so glad to get a text message before. Never been glad to have an excuse to get away from Kate.
Castle had no idea what had been going on with them in the elevator and lockup. She had seemed upset, but then she seemed okay, and then maybe they had turned some sort of corner, but then they were sort of back to normal.
They had foiled a hypnotist and found random underwear and she'd made that ridiculous joke about the panties and the ferret and his bedroom, and oh God, he takes that back, because no joke that Kate makes about them being together in a bedroom is ever, ever ridiculous.
Especially since it was what had pushed him over the edge. He knew it was a joke, he knew it and yet his mind completely skipped over the joke and went directly to part about Kate. In his bedroom.
She was standing in front of him, her eyes lit up, so pleased with herself. Her hair was rumpled and her face was flushed and she was smiling, having fun, and if four armed cops hadn't appeared, threatening to shoot them, he's positive he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from grabbing her. Yanking her to him so he could feel all of her against him. Running his hand up her shirt to feel her skin, kissing her, hard, like he'd wanted to for years.
Castle took a deep breath. Just thinking about it was making him hot, his skin too tight. It's a good thing the cops burst in, or he would have given those asshole guards something to really talk about.
Castle felt his stomach clench, remembered rage still making him want to punch something. Kate had mentioned before that she sometimes got a hard from some of the guys for Nikki Heat, for her association with him. She usually brought it up when she was mad at him.
It seems unfathomable now, but he used to find it sort of funny. Shame washed through him. Shame that he was the reason she had to put up with that shit; shame for the guy he'd been. Because now he can't imagine what the hell had been wrong with him. The sudden, all encompassing rage he'd felt when that asshole had opened his stupid mouth, like he had some right to even think about her like that...
He'd felt like he was going to explode. His anger, his desire, all roiling together with no outlet, no escape, and he couldn't be near her, couldn't touch her. He'd had to get out of there, away from her, just to calm down.
God, that fucking guard. It took almost as much effort not to punch him in his disrespectful mouth as it did not to kiss Kate.
Granted, Kate could take care of herself, and she hadn't seemed to really get why he was angry...
Seriously, he had no idea what was going on.
His overwhelming want was clouding his senses, muddling his mind, making it impossible to think.
Castle wasn’t positive he hadn’t invented all of it - the whole emotional roller-coaster ride of a morning - in his own head. All he knew for sure was that if he’d had to spend even one more minute with some part of her body pressed up against him he was going to kiss her, and probably ruin everything.
Except, maybe not. That was the problem. He was so worked up, so painfully aroused, that he was no longer a reliable witness. He wanted her so badly that he was mistaking her every gesture, twisting it into what he wanted it to be.
Although her hand against his bare skin and her lips brushing his was pretty difficult to misinterpret.
Unless that had been a complete accident. In which case, never mind.
Castle could remember a time - a time before Kate - when he could feel aroused without also feeling like a ninth grade boy, desperate just to touch her, all anxiety and frantic, futile longing. He’s not sure he’d ever felt like that before, even when he was actually in the ninth grade.
His playboy reputation was somewhat exaggerated…okay, no it wasn’t. He’d always had a way with the ladies, but he’d never had to want anyone as long as he’d wanted Kate. With any other woman the delayed gratification would have dulled the want, decreased his interest, but not with Kate.
With her he’s so far gone now that he knows having her won’t stop the wanting. Nothing ever will. She could have died that awful day, under that falsely bright sun, and he still would have wanted her, every minute, until the day he joined her in the ground.
Earlier on, when Castle was still able to tell himself that what he felt for her was just an unusually intense sexual attraction, he wondered if that was the very reason why, her unavailability. He wouldn’t be the first man to want what he couldn’t have just because he couldn’t have it, even if that wasn’t his typical m.o. Usually he liked women who liked him back, who were just as ready for fun as he was.
But Kate…
In the beginning there were moments when she seemed to actually dislike him, but that didn’t stop the wanting. It only seemed to intensify it, and at first Castle didn’t understand. Sure, sometimes the chase was fun, but not when he knew he was never going to catch her.
He knows now that what he felt for her was always more, right from the beginning, when she blew him out of his doldrums and launched his very life onto a new trajectory.
He'd based a whole series of books on her so he could have an excuse to follow her around all day. Who did that? It was so transparent it was laughable, and Castle can’t believe he’s gotten away with it. Can't believe that Kate didn’t understand exactly why he was there, what he felt for her, from the very beginning.
But maybe she didn’t.
Castle rubbed his hands over his face. Maybe she honestly didn’t know. He didn't. Not at first.
The moment he recognized the reality of his feelings for her was outside her apartment building, flames licking against the sky, his ears ringing, his phone useless in his hand. He still couldn’t articulate it, probably because there was no room in his head for anything but the sheer gut-tearing fear. Castle doesn’t even remember running into the building. One minute he was on the sidewalk, blinded by the heat, and the next he was throwing himself at her door.
He'd felt the same jerky, disjointed sense of lost time when Lockwood tried to shoot her. Castle remembered the abrupt, horrifying comprehension that Lockwood had Kate in his sights, but then nothing but a haze of panic-fueled rage until he came to himself, Lockwood unconscious beneath him. His hand aching and bloody, Kate calling his name, safe. Safe and alive.
Castle wished the last time had been like that. Wished that, like Kate, he had no memory of the cemetery; of the flash of the scope, of the the way realization hit him just as the bullet hit her. He dove for her anyway, but he already knew. He was too late, and for one dreadful, devastating moment that lasted months and months, he was sure he had lost her forever.
Castle stood by the elevator and watched her talking with Ryan and Esposito before slowly turning and heading for the break room. He couldn’t go over there yet. Kate would see everything in his face. He wasn’t sure exactly what she did want, but he was pretty sure she wasn't ready for the full force of his love to crash over her like a tidal wave.
He pulled out his phone. He’d double check and make sure Alexis got home okay.
Castle stepped into the break room and dialed. The phone rang four times before someone answered. It wasn’t Alexis.