Castle Fic - Waiting Game, Chapter 8
Title - Waiting Game
Rating - PG-13ish
Spoilers - Season 4, I guess, but nothing really past Eye of the Beholder
Pairing - Castle/Beckett
Things had reached a breaking point for both of them, but they couldn't do this here.
She forced herself to meet his eyes. "Look, we can't talk about this now."
"Okay." Castle nodded, but she could see that he didn't get it. "We don't have to." His voice was carefully neutral but the hope had faded from his eyes and his shoulders slumped, defeated.
"No, I mean…" God, always with the misunderstandings. Kate took a deep breath, looked right in his eyes, and reminded herself that the only way out was through.
"Castle, will you have dinner with me tonight?"
1:28 pm, 12th precinct, break room. This is really happening, right?
Castle needed to inhale but his lungs were paralyzed in his chest.
Had he heard her right? There was no way he had heard her right.
When he was 14, one night during that first horrible semester at Edgewyck, he was yanked out of sleep by three ineptly disguised seniors and given the choice of either climbing the flag pole or watching his boxer shorts flap in the breeze with the American flag the next morning.
It wasn't personal. He wasn't being singled out for humiliation. Every freshman boy received the same challenge during the first three months. Some couldn't do it. Some didn't give a shit. Castle had retrieved his underwear, but lost his grip three fourths of the way down the flag pole.
He fell eight feet and landed on his back, the air knocked so forcibly out of his lungs that he couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and for a second he was worried he was going to die or be found collapsed on the lawn clutching his underpants. Maybe both.
Castle remembered lying there on the grass, staring at the sky filling with an early dawn. He was gasping like a fish out of water; unsure if the prank was over, if he was in the clear.
He felt just like that now, including the suspicion that he might be the target of a joke. Not that Kate was that cruel. But she might - she had - teased, never knowing how much he stupidly hoped, every single time.
God, he could still smell her hair, feel the soft skin of her neck against the pads of his fingers; was still so aroused - so in love - that he couldn't make any sense. He'd been so sure Kate was going to backpedal, to demand that they never talk about it. Or worse, just leap up with an excuse to get out of his presence and then never mention it again.
Instead she was staring at him, her eyes huge, her face a mix of determination and terror. He couldn't catch up. All day he'd been a step behind her.
Instead of shutting down and running she'd…asked him out?
Castle tried to drag in air and calm his racing heart, because this didn't necessarily mean what he was thinking. He'd been in this moment- this moment on the edge of hope-and been disappointed too many times to recklessly believe now.
It wasn't like they'd never had dinner together. But she'd never asked him to dinner right after nearly kissing him in the break room.
Castle sucked in air, wheezing a little. Oh, God. He'd almost kissed Kate in the break room.
Glancing down he saw her hand resting on the table, the one that had been on the inside of his thigh. It was trembling.
Trembling. She was nervous?
His lungs seized up again as he was hit with the incredibly obvious realization that Kate had almost kissed him, too.
They had almost kissed each other.
Kate was shaking and maybe this wasn't a joke. She wasn't teasing and it might actually be possible that they were finally on the same page.
His eyes flew to hers. Kate swallowed, and he was momentarily mesmerized by the movement of her throat. A minute ago his fingers had been right there against her delicate skin, his lips brushing the curve of her jaw. It was chilly in break room, but he felt overheated, his skin tight and swollen against his bones.
"Castle?" There was a hint of uncertainty in her voice, the slightest quiver. He was suddenly terrified she was going to take it back.
Castle wasn't absolutely sure what was happening, but he was positive he didn't want to screw it up.
1:28 pm, 12th precinct, break room. Be brave.
Castle looked like she'd just punched him the solar plexus, his eyes wide, his mouth slightly open. Kate wasn't sure he was breathing.
It wasn't exactly the reaction she was looking for. She wasn't sure if he was stunned, or horrified, or just trying to think of a way to tell her he already had plans tonight.
Her stomach clenched. She had forgotten - about the time his fingers tangled in her hair as he pulled her mouth towards his - about his phone calls, the random texts from some random woman.
"Castle?"
"Sorry! Sorry." Castle cleared his throat, but his voice still came out sounding strangled and about an octave higher than usual. "Of course I'll…I mean, I would love …Where, um, where do you want to go?"
Your bed. Kate felt her heart stop for half a beat and was momentarily terrified she'd said that out loud. She pressed her lips together as her hand fluttered to her mouth.
"Kate?" Now he sounded terrified and unsure. God, they were a mess.
She dropped her hand and tried to smile, to act like this was perfectly normal and she didn't feel like she was hurling herself off a cliff. "Um, it doesn't matter where, really."
"Okay." Castle nodded, and Kate could practically seeing his mind whirling, mentally reviewing every possible choice, getting ready to rev into overdrive to make this the best dinner ever. If she wasn't careful they were going to end up somewhere very fancy, very public and very unsuited to talking. Or making out. Whichever.
"Actually," Be brave be brave. Her hand was still trembling as she lightly covered his wrist, and her voice was breathier than she liked, but then she could barely make herself breathe. "Maybe we could just get take-out at my place? I think we need to be able to talk."
Something shifted in Castle's face, and he looked less confused but no less stunned. His other hand came up to cover hers as he leaned across the table, leaned in towards her. His voice wasn't breathless, but rough and deep, licking at the edges of her self-control. "Kate. Why are you shaking?"
1:32 pm, 12th precinct, break room. No really, this might actually be happening.
Kate jerked slightly, obviously holding herself in place by force of will, and Castle could punch himself, his brief elation shaken.
He shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have called attention to her nerves. Now is when she'll stand up, now is when she'll run.
Under his palm Kate's fingers flexed against his wrist, her hand hot, and he could see the color sliding up her neck to her cheeks.
She didn't run.
"I, um…" She pushed her hair back from her face with her free hand, her fingers twisting in the strands. She was just barely holding his eyes. "I guess I'm nervous."
Can your heart literally skip a beat?
Kate was looking at his face, clearly making an effort to maintain eye contact. Her voice didn't shake like her hand, but was lower than usual, like she was trying to keep it controlled. It sent a shock of heat through him; he knew this was what she'd sound like alone with him, her mouth at his ear. This is what she'd sound like naked in the dark, just before he made her lose control completely.
"Why?" Castle realized he was whispering, like he didn't want to spook her.
Now she looked away, her eyes flicking from the table to the ceiling to the door before landing on his face again as she took a shuddering breath. He was holding his own breath. "Because I want to talk about what just happened."
All the blood in his body rushed downward and he wondered for a moment if he was going to simply slip down the chair into a puddle under the table.
Kate was staring at him, all big eyes and, Oh God, lip biting, and Castle didn't know how it was possible, but his need for her was even more desperate, more urgent. His mouth went dry and he had to fight to inhale again, because she had just almost kissed him and wanted to talk to him alone about the almost kissing and even he wasn't relationship challenged enough to miss what that meant.
Wait. Holy shit. What did it mean?
His own hands started to shake, and a small but expanding knot of panic formed in his chest, because she wanted to talk about it but she hadn't said in what way. It could be really good, but if it wasn't…
If it wasn't then she was mistaken, and at least he would have privacy when he tried to convince her she was wrong. He wasn't above begging.
No. He tried to mentally reel himself back in. Kate didn't look like she was about to tell him that she didn't have any feelings for him; that he was going to have to stop shadowing her because she had just realized that he had a lot in common with a stalker and the whole thing was getting awkward.
Not that he had ever imagined that conversation or anything. But no, she looked like…like…
He narrowed his eyes, forced down his panic and really looked at her.
Kate was still biting and slowly re-biting her lip in a way that made it difficult to look at anything but her mouth, but Castle made a heroic effort to tear his eyes away and take in the rest of her.
She was holding very still, her brows drawn together, but there was no pity in her eyes, no reservation. There was determination combined with uncertainty, but mostly there was an unnamed something she had been letting him see more and more of recently; something that loosened the knot of panic in his chest and let him breathe.
She looked like…Castle swallowed as his heart did a slow rotation in his chest. She looked like Kate. So achingly beautiful that his hand itched to stroke her cheek; to gently smooth back her hair before he twined his fingers in the heavy, silky strands.
Kate frowned at his silence, wavering a little. "If you want to. Talk, I mean. We don't…"
Castle felt his breath, shallow in his throat, and he blinked. "No! No, I do want to. God, Kate, I….yes."
Her face relaxed a fraction and he was awash in tenderness, yearned to hold her, to place his thumb on her forehead and gently rub away the crinkle between her eyes. To sooth her flustered, frustrated look by pulling her face to his and kissing her with no interruptions, kiss her until no words were needed.
Suddenly he wasn't worried about what she was going to tell him tonight, because he knew exactly what he was going to tell her.
Kate started to smile, the one with her whole mouth and eyes, the one that he'd only seen a handful of times but always, always made him feel like something wonderful was waiting just within reach. Castle felt an answering grin spreading across his face even as the knot in his chest unraveled.
He carefully pulled her hand from his wrist, turned it over until it was clasped in his, tentatively squeezed... "So…until tonight, then? After work?"
She squeezed back. "Until tonight."
1:40 pm, 12th precinct, break room. Okay. Okay.
Okay. She'd done it. They are going to talk and she'd told him the truth and seriously, if this was how hard it was to just throw your feelings out there then no wonder she'd never done it before. Kate thought she might throw up from the adrenaline. And the relief.
It was going to be all right, it really was. Castle was smiling at her and lightly holding her hand, his thumb softly sweeping over her knuckles and sending tingles of warmth up her arm and oh God, how long before this day was over? How long before they could leave?
So now what? Go back to not working? Look for the ferret? Do something, anything to fill the endless hours between now and dinner without accidently dragging Castle into a supply closet?
The tension surrounding them was palpable, somehow even worse than before, the anticipation of the evening ahead making it impossible to think of anything else.
In anticipation of talking, Kate reminded herself. They'd agreed to talk.
Kate glanced at Castle from under her lashes. Yeah, something told her that wasn't exactly how things were going to go.
It was like a switch had been flipped, or some sort of restraining device had been turned off, because all the careful control that she now realized he had been using was gone, and he looked like he wanted to eat her alive.
It was wonderful. Why had she been trying to deny this again? No! Stop. Work. Or pretending to work. Something.
"Well, I guess we'd better…" Kate started to stand, to slip her hand from his, but he stayed seated, gripping her hand tightly in his, holding her with him before he abruptly let go.
"Sorry." He briefly scrubbed at his face before dropping his hands to his lap. His lips were turned up in a self deprecating smile, but there was something in his eyes, like he couldn't quite believe she would come back if he let go.
Kate's breath caught. She had so much making up to do. But not now. Now all she could do was…
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm…" Castle paused, his face a mask of indecision. He spoke slowly, his tone careful, leery. "I don't really know, actually."
"Because of just now?" She can hear herself talking but can't believe it. God, Dr. Burke would be so proud.
"Yeah." He nodded slowly, but looked like he wanted to say something else. And Kate was suddenly overcome with guilt and tenderness, both. He really was as confused as she was.
"And you were already kind of upset? About Alexis and…and…" Kate stuttered, momentarily stuck. Don't stop. Just ask. "…and from what happened in lockup?"
"Yeah, about that." Castle leaned forward, talking almost before the last word was out of her mouth, anxious, chagrined. "I'm sorry if I was…" he waved his hand in the air. "You know. Weird."
"Well, this whole day has been kind of weird." This was completely surreal. They were actually talking. Out loud. To each other. About things that actually mattered. Using real words; using them literally, without weird subtext and loaded looks. It made her feel naked.
But that's what she wanted, right? To be naked with Castle?
Oooohh, totally sidetracked. A wave of heat washed over her face and she couldn't look at him for a second.
Deep breaths. Keep going. "So, what was wrong?"
Castle sighed and looked away, actual color creeping up his neck. Kate stared, momentarily distracted. Had she ever seen him blush before?
Castle shifted his eyes to hers before dropping them to the table top. He was jiggling his leg up and down, his knee rhythmically hitting the underside of the table. "I don't know." He seemed to struggle for a second. "Except…does that happen often?" He looked up, his knee stilling, his voice rough. "What that guard said?"
"What, Jablonski?" Kate shrugged, perplexed. "Sometimes. He's just messing with me."
Castle still wasn't really looking at her. "No. Yes, Jablonski, but the other guy?"
"The one who almost shot you?"
"Yeah." Castle let out a short laugh. "I'd like to shoot him."
And there it was, that tone from lock-up. Bitter and pissed and nothing like Castle.
"You were really mad." Kate wanted to touch him but her nerves were back. "I've never seen you like that. It wasn't just because he nearly shot you?"
Castle sat back in his chair, finally lifting his eyes to hers. "What? No, that was an accident."
"What then?"
"Seriously, Kate?" Castle ran his hand through his hair, agitated. "You don't mind the way he was talking to you? What he said about… us, and…
"Oh. That." Kate still didn't really get it.
"Yeah, that." He couldn't sit still, was up out of his seat and pacing back and forth. "I mean, at one point he was just standing there leering at you."
Kate tried deflecting with humor. "Maybe he's a fan. Maybe he was trying to work up the courage to ask for your autograph."
It didn't work. Castle snorted. "A fan of yours, I think. Asshole. I mean, really, can't we report him for…sexual harassment, or, I don't know…hostile work environment or something?"
"Wait." Kate shook her head. "You hate this guy because you're insulted for me?"
"Hell yes, I'm insulted for you! It's not…you shouldn't…" He broke off, breathing hard.
Kate was stunned. He was insulted for her. He wanted to protect her. Never mind that the guy was a total pipsqueak and that even if he wasn't, she could take care of herself.
She blinked hard against the sudden wetness in her eyes. Kate sometimes forgot how he could blindside her with his sweetness, how completely he could disarm her.
She didn't know why she was so shocked. She knew this about Castle, knew how loyal and protective he was of those he loved. How devoted. It was just that it overwhelmed her to be reminded that she was one of those people.
Kate slowly let out a breath. If only they weren't here, if only they were at her apartment. This was why they should have waited to talk about anything, so she could reassure him with kisses instead of words.
"Castle, that guy was a harmless idiot, I promise." He sent her a dark look and she tried not to smile. "You've said things just like that to me a hundred times."
"I know." He was still pacing. "But it's different."
"How?" Kate wanted to laugh.
"Because I'm joking! Mostly. And I don't think of you like that. I mean, I obviously think of you like…but not to just leer. I mean, I lov ….
Kate heard herself gasp as Castle abruptly shut up, his eyes wide.
Everything stopped. It was like the very air stood still as they stared at each other; the horrified awareness of what Castle had almost almost said another presence in the room, heavy, crowding them.
Not yet not yet not yet.
Kate could only stare as she watched Castle take several deep breaths, as he made a visible effort to pull himself together, before anything irrevocable occurred. She could almost see him make the decision to pretend that nothing significant had almost happened.
"I just hate that you have to put with that." Something desolate passed over his face. "I hate that I'm the reason why."
Her heart was still pounding from either relief or disappointment; she wasn't sure which, but something inside her broke a little that he thought like this, like he believed he was a negative factor in her life. "Oh, Castle, no."
He slumped back into his chair. "But it's true." He tried to smile, but couldn't, quite. "You've told me, remember? How hard it is for a woman to be taken seriously here. How every time a new Nikki Heat comes out you get teased for weeks. How-"
"Castle, stop." Kate had no idea he felt this way, no idea he had even listened when she said those things. She leaned toward him. "I'm proud to be a part of Nikki Heat. No one could make me feel badly about that." She paused, her lips quirking. "Although sometimes I do get a little flack for the naked covers."
She lightly kicked his ankle to show she was joking and was rewarded with the hint of a smile and an eyebrow quirk. He sighed. "Well, that's completely unfair. It's not even you naked on the covers." He widened his eyes and added in an exaggerated whisper, "Unfortunately." He coughed, his normal tone returning. "I mean that respectfully, of course."
Oh. So close, but Kate knew him well enough to see the lingering unhappiness, the remaining guilt. She couldn't leave it like this.
Kate took a huge breath; braced herself. "The guy in lockup was my fault, Castle. I knew what I was in for after I said that about the bedroom."
Castle twisted in his seat, startled, and when he spoke he sounded genuinely confused. "Then why did you say it?"
Kate shrugged, now unable to look at him. "I don't know. It was funny?" She hesitated, raised her eyes to his, the corners of her lips tugging up. "It was pretty funny. And maybe…maybe I wanted…"
Castle abruptly leaned over the table, close enough to make her catch her breath. The chagrin and bitterness were gone. Instead he looked like he had that moment in lockup, when she was sure that had they been alone they would have been on each other in a second. And here they were. Alone.
"Kate," He seemed to be forcing the words out of his throat. "We need to wait, I don't…I don't think I can talk about this here."
"Okay." She nodded, swallowed hard. "Okay."
But she couldn't stop herself from reaching out her hand, her fingers just brushing the backs of his, when there was a voice at the door.
"Yeah, bro, coffee sounds great! I'll head to the break room - grab us some!" Esposito was obviously standing right outside. He might have been yelling directly in the door crack. "I'm going in the break room right now!"
Kate pulled her hand out of Castle's and leaned back in her chair, the look on his face making her flush so hard she could almost feel the heat coming off her own skin.
The door slowly creaked open and Esposito stuck his head in, his eyes half closed.
Castle shot his eyes to Kate and then back to Esposito, frowning. "What are you doing, man?"
"Trying not to be scarred for life. Between the ferret and you two." He closed his eyes and shook his head in disgust.
Castle glanced at her, obviously worried. "Hey, I don't know what Ryan said, but nothing…"
"Yeah, whatever. I can only deal with one insane situation at time, and right now Ryan takes precedence. Besides, we're used to you two."
"Wait, what…?"
Esposito huffed, "Later. Right now someone has to convince Ryan to take down that stupid ferret board. People are starting to talk. Kapowski put a picture on Twitter."
Kate snarfed the sip of coffee she'd just taken. "She didn't."
Castle shook his head. "That was a mistake. We could have reached a lot more people with my Twitter account." He pursed his lips. "I guess I could go retweet her."
Esposito turned on his death stare. "I hope you're kidding, bro."
"Relax, Espo." Kate sent a side glance to Castle, unable to help her small smile. "He's kidding."
"You're kidding?"
"I might be kidding." He was speaking to Esposito, but his eyes were on her, the heat of a moment ago replaced with tenderness. His foot nudged hers under the table and her stomach flipped, their eyes suddenly locked together.
This had already been the longest day of all time. It felt like she'd been here for months. She wasn't going to make it another four hours.
"Okay." Esposito coughed loudly. "I'm leaving now. I need you two out here ten minutes ago." His face disappeared right before the door flew opened so hard it bounced off the wall. They both jumped.
Esposito was standing there, arms crossed. "I'm leaving this door opened."
Kate glanced at Castle just as he turned to her. They shared what she was pretty confident was their first simultaneous eye roll.
"Okay, dad."
"Seriously. I'm not this strict with Alexis."
Kate sent him the side eye while Esposito narrowed his eyes.
Castle spread his hands in acknowledgment. "Mainly because she won't stand for it, but still."
Esposito dropped his arms and slowly started towards the bullpen. "Just hurry up, before we all get reassigned to animal control."
Kate couldn't help the little snort of laughter that escaped as she turned back to Castle, but it abruptly caught in her throat when she saw his smile, so happy, so opened. She felt the briefest moment of regret when she realized how little it took to make him happy, to give him hope; that she could have done this ages ago. She felt the familiar guilt creeping up but she ruthlessly forced it back.
Later. Tonight they would talk about it. In the meantime-
Kate slowly reached across the table and put her hand in his; swept her thumb across the sensitive inside of his palm, as he had done to her earlier. She inhaled and looked in his eyes, her heart threatening to turn over in her chest. "Are we okay?"
The smile dropped from Castle's face, but his eyes…there was something in their depths that made her heart stutter and her mouth go dry. Made her yearn not just for tonight but for forever. His hand gripped hers, almost too tightly, stilling her thumb, his heat soaking into her skin.
"Kate. We are always okay."
Rating - PG-13ish
Spoilers - Season 4, I guess, but nothing really past Eye of the Beholder
Pairing - Castle/Beckett
Things had reached a breaking point for both of them, but they couldn't do this here.
She forced herself to meet his eyes. "Look, we can't talk about this now."
"Okay." Castle nodded, but she could see that he didn't get it. "We don't have to." His voice was carefully neutral but the hope had faded from his eyes and his shoulders slumped, defeated.
"No, I mean…" God, always with the misunderstandings. Kate took a deep breath, looked right in his eyes, and reminded herself that the only way out was through.
"Castle, will you have dinner with me tonight?"
1:28 pm, 12th precinct, break room. This is really happening, right?
Castle needed to inhale but his lungs were paralyzed in his chest.
Had he heard her right? There was no way he had heard her right.
When he was 14, one night during that first horrible semester at Edgewyck, he was yanked out of sleep by three ineptly disguised seniors and given the choice of either climbing the flag pole or watching his boxer shorts flap in the breeze with the American flag the next morning.
It wasn't personal. He wasn't being singled out for humiliation. Every freshman boy received the same challenge during the first three months. Some couldn't do it. Some didn't give a shit. Castle had retrieved his underwear, but lost his grip three fourths of the way down the flag pole.
He fell eight feet and landed on his back, the air knocked so forcibly out of his lungs that he couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and for a second he was worried he was going to die or be found collapsed on the lawn clutching his underpants. Maybe both.
Castle remembered lying there on the grass, staring at the sky filling with an early dawn. He was gasping like a fish out of water; unsure if the prank was over, if he was in the clear.
He felt just like that now, including the suspicion that he might be the target of a joke. Not that Kate was that cruel. But she might - she had - teased, never knowing how much he stupidly hoped, every single time.
God, he could still smell her hair, feel the soft skin of her neck against the pads of his fingers; was still so aroused - so in love - that he couldn't make any sense. He'd been so sure Kate was going to backpedal, to demand that they never talk about it. Or worse, just leap up with an excuse to get out of his presence and then never mention it again.
Instead she was staring at him, her eyes huge, her face a mix of determination and terror. He couldn't catch up. All day he'd been a step behind her.
Instead of shutting down and running she'd…asked him out?
Castle tried to drag in air and calm his racing heart, because this didn't necessarily mean what he was thinking. He'd been in this moment- this moment on the edge of hope-and been disappointed too many times to recklessly believe now.
It wasn't like they'd never had dinner together. But she'd never asked him to dinner right after nearly kissing him in the break room.
Castle sucked in air, wheezing a little. Oh, God. He'd almost kissed Kate in the break room.
Glancing down he saw her hand resting on the table, the one that had been on the inside of his thigh. It was trembling.
Trembling. She was nervous?
His lungs seized up again as he was hit with the incredibly obvious realization that Kate had almost kissed him, too.
They had almost kissed each other.
Kate was shaking and maybe this wasn't a joke. She wasn't teasing and it might actually be possible that they were finally on the same page.
His eyes flew to hers. Kate swallowed, and he was momentarily mesmerized by the movement of her throat. A minute ago his fingers had been right there against her delicate skin, his lips brushing the curve of her jaw. It was chilly in break room, but he felt overheated, his skin tight and swollen against his bones.
"Castle?" There was a hint of uncertainty in her voice, the slightest quiver. He was suddenly terrified she was going to take it back.
Castle wasn't absolutely sure what was happening, but he was positive he didn't want to screw it up.
1:28 pm, 12th precinct, break room. Be brave.
Castle looked like she'd just punched him the solar plexus, his eyes wide, his mouth slightly open. Kate wasn't sure he was breathing.
It wasn't exactly the reaction she was looking for. She wasn't sure if he was stunned, or horrified, or just trying to think of a way to tell her he already had plans tonight.
Her stomach clenched. She had forgotten - about the time his fingers tangled in her hair as he pulled her mouth towards his - about his phone calls, the random texts from some random woman.
"Castle?"
"Sorry! Sorry." Castle cleared his throat, but his voice still came out sounding strangled and about an octave higher than usual. "Of course I'll…I mean, I would love …Where, um, where do you want to go?"
Your bed. Kate felt her heart stop for half a beat and was momentarily terrified she'd said that out loud. She pressed her lips together as her hand fluttered to her mouth.
"Kate?" Now he sounded terrified and unsure. God, they were a mess.
She dropped her hand and tried to smile, to act like this was perfectly normal and she didn't feel like she was hurling herself off a cliff. "Um, it doesn't matter where, really."
"Okay." Castle nodded, and Kate could practically seeing his mind whirling, mentally reviewing every possible choice, getting ready to rev into overdrive to make this the best dinner ever. If she wasn't careful they were going to end up somewhere very fancy, very public and very unsuited to talking. Or making out. Whichever.
"Actually," Be brave be brave. Her hand was still trembling as she lightly covered his wrist, and her voice was breathier than she liked, but then she could barely make herself breathe. "Maybe we could just get take-out at my place? I think we need to be able to talk."
Something shifted in Castle's face, and he looked less confused but no less stunned. His other hand came up to cover hers as he leaned across the table, leaned in towards her. His voice wasn't breathless, but rough and deep, licking at the edges of her self-control. "Kate. Why are you shaking?"
1:32 pm, 12th precinct, break room. No really, this might actually be happening.
Kate jerked slightly, obviously holding herself in place by force of will, and Castle could punch himself, his brief elation shaken.
He shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have called attention to her nerves. Now is when she'll stand up, now is when she'll run.
Under his palm Kate's fingers flexed against his wrist, her hand hot, and he could see the color sliding up her neck to her cheeks.
She didn't run.
"I, um…" She pushed her hair back from her face with her free hand, her fingers twisting in the strands. She was just barely holding his eyes. "I guess I'm nervous."
Can your heart literally skip a beat?
Kate was looking at his face, clearly making an effort to maintain eye contact. Her voice didn't shake like her hand, but was lower than usual, like she was trying to keep it controlled. It sent a shock of heat through him; he knew this was what she'd sound like alone with him, her mouth at his ear. This is what she'd sound like naked in the dark, just before he made her lose control completely.
"Why?" Castle realized he was whispering, like he didn't want to spook her.
Now she looked away, her eyes flicking from the table to the ceiling to the door before landing on his face again as she took a shuddering breath. He was holding his own breath. "Because I want to talk about what just happened."
All the blood in his body rushed downward and he wondered for a moment if he was going to simply slip down the chair into a puddle under the table.
Kate was staring at him, all big eyes and, Oh God, lip biting, and Castle didn't know how it was possible, but his need for her was even more desperate, more urgent. His mouth went dry and he had to fight to inhale again, because she had just almost kissed him and wanted to talk to him alone about the almost kissing and even he wasn't relationship challenged enough to miss what that meant.
Wait. Holy shit. What did it mean?
His own hands started to shake, and a small but expanding knot of panic formed in his chest, because she wanted to talk about it but she hadn't said in what way. It could be really good, but if it wasn't…
If it wasn't then she was mistaken, and at least he would have privacy when he tried to convince her she was wrong. He wasn't above begging.
No. He tried to mentally reel himself back in. Kate didn't look like she was about to tell him that she didn't have any feelings for him; that he was going to have to stop shadowing her because she had just realized that he had a lot in common with a stalker and the whole thing was getting awkward.
Not that he had ever imagined that conversation or anything. But no, she looked like…like…
He narrowed his eyes, forced down his panic and really looked at her.
Kate was still biting and slowly re-biting her lip in a way that made it difficult to look at anything but her mouth, but Castle made a heroic effort to tear his eyes away and take in the rest of her.
She was holding very still, her brows drawn together, but there was no pity in her eyes, no reservation. There was determination combined with uncertainty, but mostly there was an unnamed something she had been letting him see more and more of recently; something that loosened the knot of panic in his chest and let him breathe.
She looked like…Castle swallowed as his heart did a slow rotation in his chest. She looked like Kate. So achingly beautiful that his hand itched to stroke her cheek; to gently smooth back her hair before he twined his fingers in the heavy, silky strands.
Kate frowned at his silence, wavering a little. "If you want to. Talk, I mean. We don't…"
Castle felt his breath, shallow in his throat, and he blinked. "No! No, I do want to. God, Kate, I….yes."
Her face relaxed a fraction and he was awash in tenderness, yearned to hold her, to place his thumb on her forehead and gently rub away the crinkle between her eyes. To sooth her flustered, frustrated look by pulling her face to his and kissing her with no interruptions, kiss her until no words were needed.
Suddenly he wasn't worried about what she was going to tell him tonight, because he knew exactly what he was going to tell her.
Kate started to smile, the one with her whole mouth and eyes, the one that he'd only seen a handful of times but always, always made him feel like something wonderful was waiting just within reach. Castle felt an answering grin spreading across his face even as the knot in his chest unraveled.
He carefully pulled her hand from his wrist, turned it over until it was clasped in his, tentatively squeezed... "So…until tonight, then? After work?"
She squeezed back. "Until tonight."
1:40 pm, 12th precinct, break room. Okay. Okay.
Okay. She'd done it. They are going to talk and she'd told him the truth and seriously, if this was how hard it was to just throw your feelings out there then no wonder she'd never done it before. Kate thought she might throw up from the adrenaline. And the relief.
It was going to be all right, it really was. Castle was smiling at her and lightly holding her hand, his thumb softly sweeping over her knuckles and sending tingles of warmth up her arm and oh God, how long before this day was over? How long before they could leave?
So now what? Go back to not working? Look for the ferret? Do something, anything to fill the endless hours between now and dinner without accidently dragging Castle into a supply closet?
The tension surrounding them was palpable, somehow even worse than before, the anticipation of the evening ahead making it impossible to think of anything else.
In anticipation of talking, Kate reminded herself. They'd agreed to talk.
Kate glanced at Castle from under her lashes. Yeah, something told her that wasn't exactly how things were going to go.
It was like a switch had been flipped, or some sort of restraining device had been turned off, because all the careful control that she now realized he had been using was gone, and he looked like he wanted to eat her alive.
It was wonderful. Why had she been trying to deny this again? No! Stop. Work. Or pretending to work. Something.
"Well, I guess we'd better…" Kate started to stand, to slip her hand from his, but he stayed seated, gripping her hand tightly in his, holding her with him before he abruptly let go.
"Sorry." He briefly scrubbed at his face before dropping his hands to his lap. His lips were turned up in a self deprecating smile, but there was something in his eyes, like he couldn't quite believe she would come back if he let go.
Kate's breath caught. She had so much making up to do. But not now. Now all she could do was…
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm…" Castle paused, his face a mask of indecision. He spoke slowly, his tone careful, leery. "I don't really know, actually."
"Because of just now?" She can hear herself talking but can't believe it. God, Dr. Burke would be so proud.
"Yeah." He nodded slowly, but looked like he wanted to say something else. And Kate was suddenly overcome with guilt and tenderness, both. He really was as confused as she was.
"And you were already kind of upset? About Alexis and…and…" Kate stuttered, momentarily stuck. Don't stop. Just ask. "…and from what happened in lockup?"
"Yeah, about that." Castle leaned forward, talking almost before the last word was out of her mouth, anxious, chagrined. "I'm sorry if I was…" he waved his hand in the air. "You know. Weird."
"Well, this whole day has been kind of weird." This was completely surreal. They were actually talking. Out loud. To each other. About things that actually mattered. Using real words; using them literally, without weird subtext and loaded looks. It made her feel naked.
But that's what she wanted, right? To be naked with Castle?
Oooohh, totally sidetracked. A wave of heat washed over her face and she couldn't look at him for a second.
Deep breaths. Keep going. "So, what was wrong?"
Castle sighed and looked away, actual color creeping up his neck. Kate stared, momentarily distracted. Had she ever seen him blush before?
Castle shifted his eyes to hers before dropping them to the table top. He was jiggling his leg up and down, his knee rhythmically hitting the underside of the table. "I don't know." He seemed to struggle for a second. "Except…does that happen often?" He looked up, his knee stilling, his voice rough. "What that guard said?"
"What, Jablonski?" Kate shrugged, perplexed. "Sometimes. He's just messing with me."
Castle still wasn't really looking at her. "No. Yes, Jablonski, but the other guy?"
"The one who almost shot you?"
"Yeah." Castle let out a short laugh. "I'd like to shoot him."
And there it was, that tone from lock-up. Bitter and pissed and nothing like Castle.
"You were really mad." Kate wanted to touch him but her nerves were back. "I've never seen you like that. It wasn't just because he nearly shot you?"
Castle sat back in his chair, finally lifting his eyes to hers. "What? No, that was an accident."
"What then?"
"Seriously, Kate?" Castle ran his hand through his hair, agitated. "You don't mind the way he was talking to you? What he said about… us, and…
"Oh. That." Kate still didn't really get it.
"Yeah, that." He couldn't sit still, was up out of his seat and pacing back and forth. "I mean, at one point he was just standing there leering at you."
Kate tried deflecting with humor. "Maybe he's a fan. Maybe he was trying to work up the courage to ask for your autograph."
It didn't work. Castle snorted. "A fan of yours, I think. Asshole. I mean, really, can't we report him for…sexual harassment, or, I don't know…hostile work environment or something?"
"Wait." Kate shook her head. "You hate this guy because you're insulted for me?"
"Hell yes, I'm insulted for you! It's not…you shouldn't…" He broke off, breathing hard.
Kate was stunned. He was insulted for her. He wanted to protect her. Never mind that the guy was a total pipsqueak and that even if he wasn't, she could take care of herself.
She blinked hard against the sudden wetness in her eyes. Kate sometimes forgot how he could blindside her with his sweetness, how completely he could disarm her.
She didn't know why she was so shocked. She knew this about Castle, knew how loyal and protective he was of those he loved. How devoted. It was just that it overwhelmed her to be reminded that she was one of those people.
Kate slowly let out a breath. If only they weren't here, if only they were at her apartment. This was why they should have waited to talk about anything, so she could reassure him with kisses instead of words.
"Castle, that guy was a harmless idiot, I promise." He sent her a dark look and she tried not to smile. "You've said things just like that to me a hundred times."
"I know." He was still pacing. "But it's different."
"How?" Kate wanted to laugh.
"Because I'm joking! Mostly. And I don't think of you like that. I mean, I obviously think of you like…but not to just leer. I mean, I lov ….
Kate heard herself gasp as Castle abruptly shut up, his eyes wide.
Everything stopped. It was like the very air stood still as they stared at each other; the horrified awareness of what Castle had almost almost said another presence in the room, heavy, crowding them.
Not yet not yet not yet.
Kate could only stare as she watched Castle take several deep breaths, as he made a visible effort to pull himself together, before anything irrevocable occurred. She could almost see him make the decision to pretend that nothing significant had almost happened.
"I just hate that you have to put with that." Something desolate passed over his face. "I hate that I'm the reason why."
Her heart was still pounding from either relief or disappointment; she wasn't sure which, but something inside her broke a little that he thought like this, like he believed he was a negative factor in her life. "Oh, Castle, no."
He slumped back into his chair. "But it's true." He tried to smile, but couldn't, quite. "You've told me, remember? How hard it is for a woman to be taken seriously here. How every time a new Nikki Heat comes out you get teased for weeks. How-"
"Castle, stop." Kate had no idea he felt this way, no idea he had even listened when she said those things. She leaned toward him. "I'm proud to be a part of Nikki Heat. No one could make me feel badly about that." She paused, her lips quirking. "Although sometimes I do get a little flack for the naked covers."
She lightly kicked his ankle to show she was joking and was rewarded with the hint of a smile and an eyebrow quirk. He sighed. "Well, that's completely unfair. It's not even you naked on the covers." He widened his eyes and added in an exaggerated whisper, "Unfortunately." He coughed, his normal tone returning. "I mean that respectfully, of course."
Oh. So close, but Kate knew him well enough to see the lingering unhappiness, the remaining guilt. She couldn't leave it like this.
Kate took a huge breath; braced herself. "The guy in lockup was my fault, Castle. I knew what I was in for after I said that about the bedroom."
Castle twisted in his seat, startled, and when he spoke he sounded genuinely confused. "Then why did you say it?"
Kate shrugged, now unable to look at him. "I don't know. It was funny?" She hesitated, raised her eyes to his, the corners of her lips tugging up. "It was pretty funny. And maybe…maybe I wanted…"
Castle abruptly leaned over the table, close enough to make her catch her breath. The chagrin and bitterness were gone. Instead he looked like he had that moment in lockup, when she was sure that had they been alone they would have been on each other in a second. And here they were. Alone.
"Kate," He seemed to be forcing the words out of his throat. "We need to wait, I don't…I don't think I can talk about this here."
"Okay." She nodded, swallowed hard. "Okay."
But she couldn't stop herself from reaching out her hand, her fingers just brushing the backs of his, when there was a voice at the door.
"Yeah, bro, coffee sounds great! I'll head to the break room - grab us some!" Esposito was obviously standing right outside. He might have been yelling directly in the door crack. "I'm going in the break room right now!"
Kate pulled her hand out of Castle's and leaned back in her chair, the look on his face making her flush so hard she could almost feel the heat coming off her own skin.
The door slowly creaked open and Esposito stuck his head in, his eyes half closed.
Castle shot his eyes to Kate and then back to Esposito, frowning. "What are you doing, man?"
"Trying not to be scarred for life. Between the ferret and you two." He closed his eyes and shook his head in disgust.
Castle glanced at her, obviously worried. "Hey, I don't know what Ryan said, but nothing…"
"Yeah, whatever. I can only deal with one insane situation at time, and right now Ryan takes precedence. Besides, we're used to you two."
"Wait, what…?"
Esposito huffed, "Later. Right now someone has to convince Ryan to take down that stupid ferret board. People are starting to talk. Kapowski put a picture on Twitter."
Kate snarfed the sip of coffee she'd just taken. "She didn't."
Castle shook his head. "That was a mistake. We could have reached a lot more people with my Twitter account." He pursed his lips. "I guess I could go retweet her."
Esposito turned on his death stare. "I hope you're kidding, bro."
"Relax, Espo." Kate sent a side glance to Castle, unable to help her small smile. "He's kidding."
"You're kidding?"
"I might be kidding." He was speaking to Esposito, but his eyes were on her, the heat of a moment ago replaced with tenderness. His foot nudged hers under the table and her stomach flipped, their eyes suddenly locked together.
This had already been the longest day of all time. It felt like she'd been here for months. She wasn't going to make it another four hours.
"Okay." Esposito coughed loudly. "I'm leaving now. I need you two out here ten minutes ago." His face disappeared right before the door flew opened so hard it bounced off the wall. They both jumped.
Esposito was standing there, arms crossed. "I'm leaving this door opened."
Kate glanced at Castle just as he turned to her. They shared what she was pretty confident was their first simultaneous eye roll.
"Okay, dad."
"Seriously. I'm not this strict with Alexis."
Kate sent him the side eye while Esposito narrowed his eyes.
Castle spread his hands in acknowledgment. "Mainly because she won't stand for it, but still."
Esposito dropped his arms and slowly started towards the bullpen. "Just hurry up, before we all get reassigned to animal control."
Kate couldn't help the little snort of laughter that escaped as she turned back to Castle, but it abruptly caught in her throat when she saw his smile, so happy, so opened. She felt the briefest moment of regret when she realized how little it took to make him happy, to give him hope; that she could have done this ages ago. She felt the familiar guilt creeping up but she ruthlessly forced it back.
Later. Tonight they would talk about it. In the meantime-
Kate slowly reached across the table and put her hand in his; swept her thumb across the sensitive inside of his palm, as he had done to her earlier. She inhaled and looked in his eyes, her heart threatening to turn over in her chest. "Are we okay?"
The smile dropped from Castle's face, but his eyes…there was something in their depths that made her heart stutter and her mouth go dry. Made her yearn not just for tonight but for forever. His hand gripped hers, almost too tightly, stilling her thumb, his heat soaking into her skin.
"Kate. We are always okay."