Castle Fic - Waiting Game, Chapter 10
Title - Waiting Game - Chapter 10
Pairing - Castle/Beckett
Disclaimer - I don't own Castle
She could barely breathe. Kate was laughing so hard she had to lean against her desk and grab Castle's arm to remain upright. Castle, who somehow was once again close enough to touch. When had he…
Castle wrapped his arm lightly around her, his hand barely resting on the curve of her hip, and Kate stopped laughing as her stomach flipped and her breath caught and everything rushed back.
She looked up, his face right there. He was smiling, but his eyes…frustration. Longing.
Heat swept over her followed by an almost unbearable frustration as she realized that this was what they were waiting for. They weren't at her apartment, her bed (talking! Talking first!), alone, because they had to stay here and deal with ferret phobias.
Castle leaned in, and somehow, somehow, her hand was against his chest, curling around the lapel of his jacket, pulling him closer. His lips were almost touching her ear. "I need to talk to you. Now."
2:10 pm, 12th precinct, under the stairs. Under the stairs?
"Hey." Castle was staring down at her, his eyes impossibly hot. He was only half a foot away, but somehow was not touching her. Instead he was gripping the stair behind him so hard his knuckles were turning white.
"Um. Hey?" Kate was so confused and turned on she could barely concentrate. She had no idea what was going on. After nearly embracing her by the desks while she accidentally (accidentally!) wrapped his shirt in her fist, Castle had grabbed her by the elbow and hustled her under the stairs.
Under the stairs. That wasn't conspicuous at all. Luckily, Karpowski and Esposito were deeply involved in discussing various ferret phobia coping strategies - something about calming mantras and inhaling the scent of cedar chips - and hadn't seemed to notice them leave. That only left Ryan to stare after them with a look both knowing and delighted.
Ryan was still staring. Castle glanced over his shoulder, shifted a little as if to block her from view, still without touching her. Kate pressed her hands against the bricks behind her to hold herself in place, to keep them off him. Oh. This was bad, this obsessive, burning need to have him touch her, right now, always.
Castle swallowed, seemed to lean towards her just a touch, and Kate had the wild thought that he had brought her here to make out, like teenagers under the bleachers. The idea was way more appealing than it should be.
He took a breath so deep she could see his chest expand, his body almost brushing hers, his eyes still burning, a little wild.
"Kate. I can't do this."
2:12pm, 12th precinct, please be more obvious under the stairs
Castle was gripping the stair behind him so hard he could feel the hard edge cutting into his palm, just to stop himself from reaching out for her.
He was losing his mind. He had held himself in so tightly for months and months, carefully backing away, hiding the want from her, from himself. All undone in an instant.
That moment in the break room had completely destroyed his defenses, his control, and he was unraveling. He couldn't pull it back, couldn't keep the love and desire off his face. Couldn't keep his hands to himself.
Her eyes were fixed on his face, her expression startled, confused, like she was sure she had misheard him.
"Castle, what?"
Kate was whispering, anxious. Her pupils were so dilated the green was almost gone, and she was trying to hold his gaze, but her eyes kept darting to his lips. Everything in him tightened and holy shit. Did she even know that she did that? What she was doing to him?
She frowned and stepped forward. "Are you okay?" And then she put her hand over his on the step. It was such a wash of sensation, of stimulation, that he nearly forgot where he was, nearly…but no. He couldn't. This was why he had to-
Castle swallowed, spoke through gritted teeth. "Kate, I'm sorry …but you're going to have to stop touching me."
2:15pm, 12th precinct, under the stairs. No. No, no, no.
Kate stepped back from him so fast she almost stumbled, and he reflexively reached for her elbow to check her fall. She yanked her arm back, her eyes wide. Shiny. "What?"
Oh no. No, no. He wasn't doing this right. He reached for her hand. "No, I just mean that I can't touch you…" Not better. Not better! "I…I just can't be around you." Shit.
Kate snatched her hand back like he was on fire. Something behind her eyes slammed shut as she jerked away.
His stomach twisted at the look on her face. Oh no, that wasn't-
"I…um…okay." Her eyes were unblinking, staring somewhere around his shoulder. She wrapped one arm protectively around her waist, and oh god, he has done this one hundred percent wrong.
"Are you, um…" She still isn't looking at him. "Are you going home?"
Castle gripped the step tighter to keep from stepping into her space and palming her face, her expression making him panicky. "No, Kate, that isn't what I mea-"
"Are we…will I still see you tonight?" Her voice caught at the end and he felt sick. He had no idea how he managed to mess up so badly in less than ninety seconds, but he had to fix it.
"Kate." He ducked his head to catch her eye and immediately felt like he'd been socked in the gut. Her eyes were wide, unblinking, to hold back the tears caught on her lashes.
Something in him broke and he surged forward. He closed the distance between them, suddenly uncaring about who could be watching and what they might see. Now he could feel her breath on his neck - hot, a little fast. His hand was gentle on her arm but he was almost vibrating with the effort not to crush her to him, to do whatever was necessary to get that look off her face.
Castle leaned in so close that his lips grazed the shell of her ear, sending sensation skidding through him, stuttering along his nerves.
"I can't be near you because I want you so badly it hurts."
2:19 pm., 12th precinct, under the stairs. What….what?
The blood rushed from her head so fast Kate swayed on her feet. Tingling shock washed over her, hard, before she had completely comprehended his words. "What?"
Was this what it felt like to be stunned, hit by lightening? Kate felt stupid and slow, her brain shocked into a nonresponsive state, because Castle just said $%WgsR%&du65re6romgomgomgomg
Castle, who had pulled back and was staring at her, his eyes huge, unblinking, as shocked as she, "What, what?"
Okay. Okay. His breath was against her cheek and she was going to try to calm down, pull in air.
She had completely freaked out for a second. Again. Freaked out by her own insecurities - by the stupid fear that had snagged her when he said he couldn't be near her. But then he'd said…that he….
Heat was crashing over her in waves. Her skin was actually tingling, aching, and maybe he was right. They shouldn't be around each other here, because now she couldn't even look at him. Couldn't they just leave? Maybe they could just leave.
The shocked tears crowding against her eyes pushed through, two dropping down her cheeks, forced out because there was simply too much inside her to keep it all in. She froze; hoped Castle wouldn't notice.
Of course he noticed.
Castle sucked in a breath, his hands reaching up and away before he could touch her, his voice rough. "Kate. No, god. I'm so sorry. I won't say it, I'll take it back." He paused, his hands brushing her hips, her waist, before jerking back, whispering, "But…I...don't think I can take it back. I can't say I don't mean it, but please, I won't say it again."
"No, it's not…" Kate swiped at her cheeks, trying to find the words to tell him that she wasn't upset; she just couldn't contain it - the lust, the love, and if she could have picked the worst place in the world to have this conversation, under the precinct stairs in full sight of the bullpen would have made the top five.
He looked desperate, terrified. Overwhelmed by her reaction to him, to them and this was exactly, exactly what she was afraid of, that he wouldn't even know this woman who felt so much for him she couldn't control it. She would scare them both.
She tried to smile but her mouth felt brittle and wrong.
"No. I'm fine. You just... but you're right, of course you are, we need to talk before-" She could hear herself babbling, tried to slow down. "Are you...are you going home?"
Kate hated how her stomach dropped at the thought of him leaving. So stupid. She could go three hours without seeing him. It would be easier.
It would not be easier. They were almost there. What if he left and got hit by a car, caught in a robbery, just changed his mind? And she was never able to tell him… Oh wow. She blinked back more tears of she didn't even know what because this was too much. She felt too much.
Castle was staring at her, his expression odd. "I was thinking of just sitting in the break room. Maybe Ryan's desk. Unless you want me to…"
"No! No." Kate felt her chest muscles relax, was able to breathe. "We'll just give each other some space. Here." My God, were they really having a cryptic conversation about how to keep from making out at work? Was this real?
Castle's hand brushed her arm before he took a step back, his eyes on hers. "Okay." He nodded, his mouth quirking up. "We'll have space here." He paused before he turned away to step into the bull pen. "We're okay?"
Kate could feel her shoulders dropping, the anxiety subsiding, even as desire flared up white hot, everything in her reaching, hoping. She nodded, echoing his words from earlier. "We're always okay."
3:02 pm., 12th precinct, bullpen, Ryan's desk
"Uno!" Castle tossed his card on the desk and leaned back in his chair, his hands behind his head. "How many is that now? Three? Five?"
Ryan glared, at the end of his patience. "It's two. And will you stop with the Uno? It's Crazy Eights."
Castle dropped his arms and shrugged. "Same difference."
Kate frowned and threw her cards down. They were all at the end of their patience. They still didn't have a case. No one wanted to brave the blizzard, so whatever they'd eaten for lunch had come from the vending machine or the scary recesses of the break room fridge. The ferret was still missing, and she could barely look at Castle without feeling like she was going to burst into flames.
Castle, who was the worst winner ever. It should have been completely off putting, but somehow she was still totally turned on, proving that an excess of lust could actually make you crazy. Kate sighed, irritated by absolutely everything. "Can you at least quiet down? People are trying to work."
Castle glanced around. "Who?"
He had a point. A quick survey of the bullpen revealed two other card games and group clustered around Avery's computer watching the Christmas episode of Downton Abbey.
"No one." Kate admitted, capitulating so quickly that Castle's eyes snapped to her face. His eyebrows drew together, his mockery shifting in an instant to concern at whatever he saw there. He made a move to reach for her, but checked himself, throwing her a glance of such hopeless frustration that she almost leapt across the desk right then, no doubt shocking him and scarring Ryan for life.
They were saved by Esposito stepping off the elevator.
"I have it!" Esposito walked up brandishing a syringe. "Tranquilizers!"
Ryan squinted at him from his desk, "Dude, where did you get that?"
"Talked to the guys in the Mounted Unit. They hooked me up."
Kate did a double take. "You have horse tranquilizers?"
Castle frowned. "Why do you have…" he gasped. "You have horse tranquilizers for the ferret!"
"What!" Ryan reared back, horrified, "You're trying to kill it! You're trying to kill a ferret that belongs to little kids!" He slammed his pen down and twisted in his chair to glare at Esposito. "Why do you hate kids, man?"
Esposito stopped still and blinked, taken aback by Ryan's vehemence. "I don't hate kids! It's just a little bit of tranquilizer. The guys said it's safe to use on cats. It will just put him back to sleep."
"You are not using that."
"You heard Karpowski! Ferrets are viscous! There's no telling what it might do!"
"You've gone crazy. I seriously think you need some help. This ferret issue has gone too far."
"Reality show." Castle sing-songed under his breath. "Feeeerrets in a baaaall pit."
Kate resolutely kept her eyes on Ryan and Esposito, sucking her lips against her teeth to keep from smiling.
"I was trying to help."
"Help him die."
"Fine. If you want to get your leg bitten off. Disability won't cover that shit if it's your ferret, I don't care if it does happen at work."
Ryan rolled his eyes and stood up. "I'm getting some coffee.
He headed for the break room without looking back. Esposito followed muttering dire predictions about workers comp and a lifetime as a desk jockey with a fake leg.
Leaving her alone with Castle.
They'd managed to avoid being alone for a whopping thirty minutes.
"So," Castle fiddled with his cards, not quite looking at her, his whole manner hesitant, tentative, a complete one-eighty from a minute ago. "You, um." He cleared his throat, picked up the cards. "You want to play?"
"Do I want to play?" Kate knew he was talking about cards, but the picture in her mind was very, very different, and yes, yes, she wanted to play and she had to move away from him right now.
Castle glanced up at her question, his face… It was an act, she realized, the card game, bragging about winning, all an act to get through the afternoon. He was just as bothered and miserable as she was.
Kate could feel her face flushing, her gaze caught in his, arousal sliding through her in slow undulating waves.
She jumped up. "I'm going…um…my desk. Phone. Time." She'd lost the ability to make actual sense. Awesome.
"Good idea. It has to be almost five." Castle sounded a little desperate. She heard his chair scrape back and then he was standing beside her and why, why, why? This was not space, not when her traitorous body wanted to fold into him, breathe him in. Lick his neck. Oh dear lord, please let it be almost five.
She glanced at the phone.
"Dammit. It's only three..." Kate stopped as Castle suddenly dropped to the floor and half crawled under her desk. She tried not to gasp as he brushed against her legs. "What are you doing?"
"Looking for my paperclip chain."
"Your paperclip chain?"
"It was right here on your desk, and now it's gone. I can't find it anywhere." Castle popped his head out and looked up at her, his mouth inches from her thigh. He briefly closed his eyes. "Hey, will you check the other drawers?" His voice was strained. Tight. "Maybe I put in one of yours by mistake."
Kate was about to reflexively retort that they were all her drawers, when she realized that the one on the top next to his chair was full of his stuff: the paperclip chain, his stress ball, that grape flavored gum that made her think of children's medicine. There was also a notebook, a flash drive that she pretended she didn't know he used to steal case files, and a tie, in case he needed to go somewhere fancy from the precinct.
It was his. He had a drawer in her desk. They really were work married.
"Kate?" Castle's voice pulled her out of the oddly pleasing revelation. She passed a hand over eyes and turned to find his gaze on her, so full of absolutely everything that she couldn't do it anymore.
The drawer - the stupid drawer - had put her over the edge and she wasn't going to be able to stop herself. She was going to drop into her chair beside him, wrap her fingers around his jaw. Pull him closer, until his mouth was on hers, warm and soft …
And his phone rang, snapping her out of it, making her jump. She slumped against the desk, her hand trembling against her mouth. That was close. Two hours left. Two.
Castle sat back on his heels and checked the number. "Oh. I've got to take this." He jumped to his feet, suddenly towering over her. He hesitated. "You're all right?"
Kate nodded mutely, willing him to move away, just for a minute. Just so she could regain her equilibrium.
"Okay." He stepped away from her desk. "Check the drawers?" He called over his shoulder as he walked away, and then,
"Hey!" He sounded excited. "Thanks for calling me back so fast." He paused, smiling. "It's great to hear from you, too." Kate sat up, her attention caught. Suddenly uneasy.
Castle half-glanced back at her as he walked toward the stairs. He dropped his voice, but since Kate was listening so hard she was all but cupping her ears, she was still able to hear him.
"So, are we on for tomorrow night?"
It was like she'd been punched in the stomach, her abdominals contracting, hard, as the air was forcibly squeezed from her lungs.
Kate stared after him, paperclip chain forgotten, trying not to gasp for air. It was ridiculous. Totally ridiculous, but she couldn't ignore the nagging fear, the hollow ache unfurling inside of her. She'd been trying all day to tell herself it was nothing - the phone calls, this woman.
It didn't sound like nothing anymore.
3:18 pm, 12th precinct, bullpen. Breathe.
Kate couldn't move. Castle was still on the phone, his back to her, and the whole thing had her reeling so hard she wondered if she was going to be able to keep her coffee down.
The rational, adult side of her mind tried to remind her that she was over-reacting again. That phone call could be anything, even if it had sounded exactly like plans for a date.
The insecure part, the part that had always wondered if Castle could ever find one person enough, could ever find her to be enough, was suddenly, horrifically certain she was right. That she and Castle were nothing more than bad timing and mixed signals; that they had never been playing the same game at all. Had she imagined everything?
No. Kate took a steadying breath. She hadn't. She wasn't going to do this. She was going to wait right here, and as soon as he got off the phone she was just going to ask, point blank, who was on the phone and why.
Or should she wait until tonight? Maybe she should wait until tonight, when they had time. So if it was a date she could tell him that she didn't want him to go. No more waiting. No more games.
And then the screaming started.
3:19 pm 12th precinct, bullpen, break room, crazytown.
It was coming from the break room, high pitched and shrill. Over it, Ryan's voice, frantic.
"Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him! Ouch! Dammit!"
Kate ran, making to the break room door just in time to see Ryan reeling back, clawing at his face. Something flew through the air, right before he tripped and flew backwards, knocking over the full coffee pot on his way down. His head barely missed the counter.
There was the crash of shattering glass while coffee splattered into the air. Esposito abruptly quit screaming and stood stock still, his hands covering his mouth, his eyes huge, so in shock that he didn't even react when he was hit with most of the coffee.
Castle slid up, breathless, slamming her into the doorframe, his arm wrapping around her waist to catch them both.
"Oof." His breath puffed against her neck. "Whoops." He tried to pull his arm away but got his thumb tangled in her belt loop, his fingers accidentally dipping under her waistband, against her skin, and holy shit, breathe.
"Sorry!"Castle was breathing hard against her back, and for half a second it felt like his hand splayed against her stomach before he yanked his fingers free, nearly tripping to Ryan's side.
Kate followed, her hand on her chest. Can you actually have a heart attack from a triple wallop of arousal and adrenaline and possible heartbreak? Maybe.
Castle crouched down and helped Ryan sit up as Kate gently grabbed Esposito's shoulder. "What happened?"
He jumped and whirled around, his eyes still impossibly large. Haunted.
"Beckett, it was…" Esposito's mouth was opened but he couldn't get the words out, his throat working convulsively, one hand waving around over his head. "It just flew through the air," he managed, "Like a kamikaze attack."
"What flew through the air?"
"The ferret. He was in the cabinet." Kate turned to Ryan, who was sitting up on the floor holding his sleeve to his face. "Castle, can you grab me a napkin?"
"The ferret jumped out of the cabinet?"
"He was lying in wait." Esposito whispered.
"Don't be stupid. He was trying to hide. We scared him." Ryan dropped his arm to grab the napkin, and all three of them gasped.
Castle actually staggered back on his heels, losing his balance and falling against the table leg. "Oh my god, man. What the hell happened to your face?"
Ryan's face was covered - covered - in short pink welts, each oozing tiny droplets of blood. He looked like he'd lost a fight with…well, a ferret. Beside her Esposito started to breath hard.
It was an attack ferret. Kate raised her hand to her mouth, to contain her laughter or her horror, she wasn't sure which. "Oh. Oh, no way. Did it claw you?"
"No, that's where he got… um," Esposito had to stop and compose himself. He was going to hyperventilate in a second. "That's where he got whipped by the paperclips."
"The paperclips?" She and Castle asked in tandem. It was to Castle's credit that he refrained from calling "jinx".
"Yeah, the ferret, he…," Esposito gestured towards his face with shaking hands, "he had a whole chain of them, like, clenched in his teeth."
"Oh." Castle's face brightened. "So that's what happened to my paperclip chain."
Kate, Ryan and Esposito turned as one to stare at him.
"What? That's one mystery solved."
"Dude, it's not funny." Esposito's voice became even more horrified. "He used those paperclips like a nunchuck. Like it was intentional. Like it was personal."
He really did need some therapy. Kate patted his arm, wondering if he was going to need to breathe into a paper bag. "Esposito, that ferret couldn't possibly..."
"I know what I saw!"
"Whoa." Castle flinched back again, his hands flying to his ears. Kate tried to discreetly wipe the flecks of spit from her cheek.
"Calm down, man." Ryan was dabbing at his face. It was covered in blood, but was amazingly sweat free. Aside from his mangled face he looked the sanest he had all day. The ferret sighting had obviously cheered him up. Given him hope. "He was only swinging at me because we agitated him. It's not his fault."
"Not his fault?" Esposito's face flushed a dark red. He looked like he was about to have a stroke. "Listen to yourself! It's like you're a victim of abuse! Don't defend your abuser!"
Ryan raised his eyebrows. "I think maybe you need to listen to yourself."
"What is the meaning of this?"
They all froze. Gates. Dammit. Kate closed her eyes.
"Mr. Castle, why are you on the floor? Why is Detective Esposito covered in coffee?" She blanched. "Why does Detective Ryan look like he lost a fight with a squirrel?"
"Now, squirrels are rodents." This last was from Karpowski, who, along with most of homicide, was clustered outside the break room door shamelessly eavesdropping. Downton Abbey must be over.
Gates twisted to stare at Karpowski, her eyebrows around her hairline. "I am aware of that, Detective Karpowski. Is there a reason you felt compelled to remind me of a squirrel's scientific classification?"
Karpowski darted her eyes from Ryan to Gates while Kate held her breath. Castle and Ryan seemed paralyzed; Esposito tried not to wheeze.
"No sir, no reason." Karpowski sounded liked her usual, unflappable self again. She might be terrified of ferrets, but she was no sell-out. "Just useful information. You should learn something new every day, you know."
"Thank you for sharing." Gates' gaze was unblinking and unnerving, like a shark. "Please get back to work before I forget I work in homicide and not an elementary school."
Everyone around the door scattered, probably to clean up their card games and pretend to do paperwork. Gates turned back to the break room, one eyebrow still raised. "Well?"
Silence, as they all waited for Castle to come up with something. Ridiculous explanations were his forte', and in this case the ridiculous was built right in. Kate shot him a glance, only to find that he was staring, wide-eyed, confused. Like even he couldn't believe he wasn't in the middle of some elaborate story.
Kate felt her heart sink. If Castle couldn't think up an explanation they were in serious trouble. Gates was still staring at them, that damn eyebrow hiked up, a hint of triumph in her eyes.
Was she messing with them? Did she already know? If she did, that was it. Ryan was on traffic duty forever, and she and Esposito were going to get some sort of accessory to the ferret disciplinary action. Maybe they would even get sent home for the day without pay.
Kate sucked in a breath. Maybe they would get sent home. That would be the best silver lining ever. She and Castle could leave right now. They could be alone. The heavy, anxious knot in her stomach could be gone if she could just talk to him, ask about the phone call. Her place was closer, so…
Esposito cleared his throat, "Uh, sir? It's my fault. I forgot to add water when I made coffee. The pot overheated and exploded when Detective Ryan picked it up." His voice squeaked and he coughed. "We're lucky he didn't put an eye out."
Gates narrowed her eyes, focusing on Esposito's pants. "Then why are you covered in coffee?"
Esposito's mouth opened and closed soundlessly, his eyes rolling to Kate, who stared back blankly. She had nothing.
"And that was my fault." Oh, thank God. Castle was entering the fray. "Detective Ryan was, uh, startled when the pot exploded -"
"He screamed like a little girl." Esposito cut in, still sort of breathless, but trying to help.
Ryan threw him a dirty look from behind his bloody napkin. Esposito shrugged helplessly as Castle raised his voice, pressing onward, "And that startled me into dropping my coffee, which then splattered all over Detective Esposito here."
"Uh huh." Gates flicked her eyes from Ryan to Esposito to Castle, suspicious. "I see. And where is your coffee cup?"
"The trash." Castle lied without missing a beat. "I thought it best to start cleaning up immediately. Wouldn't want anyone else to slip and get hurt."
"How thoughtful." Gate's eyes were narrowing and Kate could see she didn't believe a single word. "How very lucky we are to have you among us, Mr. Castle." She also didn't have anything on them. Yet. "Very well. Finish cleaning up and get back to work."
They collectively held their breath until Gates was in her office, slumping in relief at the sound of her door closing.
"That was close." Castle looked stressed. "We have got to find that ferret before he attacks someone else, because we all know who is getting blamed for this."
Kate rubbed her temple. Something else to worry about. "Yeah. Gates knows something's up. Did you see her face? She's on the warpath now."
"Yeah, well, so is the ferret." Esposito cleared his throat, didn't quite look at Ryan. "I'll help you look for him, if you want."
Ryan struggled to his feet, one hand still clutching the bloody napkin to his face. He staggered over to Esposito; put his hand on his shoulder. "Thanks, man. That means a lot. And thanks for stepping in, saving my ass with Gates." His voice was brimming with emotion.
"Of course, bro." Esposito choked out, "I'm sorry I didn't help you before. Partners."
"No, man, I'm sorry. I know how you feel about ferrets. I should have told Jenny I couldn't do it." Ryan sounded like he might cry.
Castle stood up and edged closer to Kate. "Are they okay?"
Kate smiled. Her boys were ridiculous, but also adorable. "I think they are."
Castle sent her a sidelong look, his lips twitching. He raised his voice. "Do you guys need privacy? We can leave."
"Yeah," Kate added, "do you two need to go lie down in the break room?"
Ryan and Esposito ignored them as they shared a manly hug, complete with backslaps. Kate heaved an internal sigh of relief. At least that was one relationship salvaged today.
3:29 pm. 12th precinct, break room. Just do it.
Kate sat at the table drinking what felt like her twentieth cup of cup today. Esposito and Ryan were in the bullpen planning their next move. They were currently rearranging the ferret board to get a fresh perspective. Castle was making himself a cappuccino, busying himself with the all elements of the cappuccino ritual that Kate could never quite master.
She was pretty sure she had decided to wait until tonight to ask Castle about his phone call, but all at once she was talking, all of the tension and anxiety causing her to blurt out exactly the wrong thing.
"So, big plans tomorrow tonight?" Kate wanted to take it back the moment the words left her mouth. She had a pit in her stomach and had never wanted any information less, but at that same time at least it was out there. She was going to go crazy if she didn't find out what was going on.
Castle looked up from the cappuccino machine and paused, his eyes startled for a moment before he smiled at her, hesitant. Or was it reluctantly? "Maybe." She couldn't read him. At this moment he was indecipherable, as he'd been for so much of today. "Um. Yeah. I hope so."
Kate somehow managed to keep her face blank as everything inside her just collapsed, because holy shit, she hadn't really, deep-down believed she was right.
Castle was still smiling at her, smiling like he hadn't just snapped her heart in two. And, apparently, turned her into a melodramatic drama queen, but god, it hurt.
Okay. But. She didn't know anything, nothing for sure; she needed to clarify before she freaked out. She swallowed the lump in her throat. She just needed a minute to get it together. A minute alone.
Kate took a deep breath and willed her voice not to shake. "Oh, well. Cool. Have fun." That was all she got out before she had to stand up and head for the door. So stupid. It was not all right. But she couldn't cry. She was not going to run. She wasn't. The damn fucking tears were pressing against back of her eyes, but she just had to make to the elevator…
But something in her voice or face must not have been as controlled as she thought, or maybe he could just read her that well, because she had only just made it into the hallway when he was behind her, grabbing her by the upper arm, turning her around.
"Hey, what's wrong? You don't…" he trailed off when he saw her face, and Kate realized, humiliated, that she hadn't managed to hold back all the tears.
She started to say something, anything, to put him off so she could escape, buy herself a few minutes. But her throat closed up around a knot of misery and she couldn't do anything except stand there, futilely swiping at her cheeks, while Castle's face morphed from confusion to baffled concern. Abruptly he pulled her forward, opened the first door he came to and pushed her through. He shut the door behind him, plunging them into darkness.
Pairing - Castle/Beckett
Disclaimer - I don't own Castle
She could barely breathe. Kate was laughing so hard she had to lean against her desk and grab Castle's arm to remain upright. Castle, who somehow was once again close enough to touch. When had he…
Castle wrapped his arm lightly around her, his hand barely resting on the curve of her hip, and Kate stopped laughing as her stomach flipped and her breath caught and everything rushed back.
She looked up, his face right there. He was smiling, but his eyes…frustration. Longing.
Heat swept over her followed by an almost unbearable frustration as she realized that this was what they were waiting for. They weren't at her apartment, her bed (talking! Talking first!), alone, because they had to stay here and deal with ferret phobias.
Castle leaned in, and somehow, somehow, her hand was against his chest, curling around the lapel of his jacket, pulling him closer. His lips were almost touching her ear. "I need to talk to you. Now."
2:10 pm, 12th precinct, under the stairs. Under the stairs?
"Hey." Castle was staring down at her, his eyes impossibly hot. He was only half a foot away, but somehow was not touching her. Instead he was gripping the stair behind him so hard his knuckles were turning white.
"Um. Hey?" Kate was so confused and turned on she could barely concentrate. She had no idea what was going on. After nearly embracing her by the desks while she accidentally (accidentally!) wrapped his shirt in her fist, Castle had grabbed her by the elbow and hustled her under the stairs.
Under the stairs. That wasn't conspicuous at all. Luckily, Karpowski and Esposito were deeply involved in discussing various ferret phobia coping strategies - something about calming mantras and inhaling the scent of cedar chips - and hadn't seemed to notice them leave. That only left Ryan to stare after them with a look both knowing and delighted.
Ryan was still staring. Castle glanced over his shoulder, shifted a little as if to block her from view, still without touching her. Kate pressed her hands against the bricks behind her to hold herself in place, to keep them off him. Oh. This was bad, this obsessive, burning need to have him touch her, right now, always.
Castle swallowed, seemed to lean towards her just a touch, and Kate had the wild thought that he had brought her here to make out, like teenagers under the bleachers. The idea was way more appealing than it should be.
He took a breath so deep she could see his chest expand, his body almost brushing hers, his eyes still burning, a little wild.
"Kate. I can't do this."
2:12pm, 12th precinct, please be more obvious under the stairs
Castle was gripping the stair behind him so hard he could feel the hard edge cutting into his palm, just to stop himself from reaching out for her.
He was losing his mind. He had held himself in so tightly for months and months, carefully backing away, hiding the want from her, from himself. All undone in an instant.
That moment in the break room had completely destroyed his defenses, his control, and he was unraveling. He couldn't pull it back, couldn't keep the love and desire off his face. Couldn't keep his hands to himself.
Her eyes were fixed on his face, her expression startled, confused, like she was sure she had misheard him.
"Castle, what?"
Kate was whispering, anxious. Her pupils were so dilated the green was almost gone, and she was trying to hold his gaze, but her eyes kept darting to his lips. Everything in him tightened and holy shit. Did she even know that she did that? What she was doing to him?
She frowned and stepped forward. "Are you okay?" And then she put her hand over his on the step. It was such a wash of sensation, of stimulation, that he nearly forgot where he was, nearly…but no. He couldn't. This was why he had to-
Castle swallowed, spoke through gritted teeth. "Kate, I'm sorry …but you're going to have to stop touching me."
2:15pm, 12th precinct, under the stairs. No. No, no, no.
Kate stepped back from him so fast she almost stumbled, and he reflexively reached for her elbow to check her fall. She yanked her arm back, her eyes wide. Shiny. "What?"
Oh no. No, no. He wasn't doing this right. He reached for her hand. "No, I just mean that I can't touch you…" Not better. Not better! "I…I just can't be around you." Shit.
Kate snatched her hand back like he was on fire. Something behind her eyes slammed shut as she jerked away.
His stomach twisted at the look on her face. Oh no, that wasn't-
"I…um…okay." Her eyes were unblinking, staring somewhere around his shoulder. She wrapped one arm protectively around her waist, and oh god, he has done this one hundred percent wrong.
"Are you, um…" She still isn't looking at him. "Are you going home?"
Castle gripped the step tighter to keep from stepping into her space and palming her face, her expression making him panicky. "No, Kate, that isn't what I mea-"
"Are we…will I still see you tonight?" Her voice caught at the end and he felt sick. He had no idea how he managed to mess up so badly in less than ninety seconds, but he had to fix it.
"Kate." He ducked his head to catch her eye and immediately felt like he'd been socked in the gut. Her eyes were wide, unblinking, to hold back the tears caught on her lashes.
Something in him broke and he surged forward. He closed the distance between them, suddenly uncaring about who could be watching and what they might see. Now he could feel her breath on his neck - hot, a little fast. His hand was gentle on her arm but he was almost vibrating with the effort not to crush her to him, to do whatever was necessary to get that look off her face.
Castle leaned in so close that his lips grazed the shell of her ear, sending sensation skidding through him, stuttering along his nerves.
"I can't be near you because I want you so badly it hurts."
2:19 pm., 12th precinct, under the stairs. What….what?
The blood rushed from her head so fast Kate swayed on her feet. Tingling shock washed over her, hard, before she had completely comprehended his words. "What?"
Was this what it felt like to be stunned, hit by lightening? Kate felt stupid and slow, her brain shocked into a nonresponsive state, because Castle just said $%WgsR%&du65re6romgomgomgomg
Castle, who had pulled back and was staring at her, his eyes huge, unblinking, as shocked as she, "What, what?"
Okay. Okay. His breath was against her cheek and she was going to try to calm down, pull in air.
She had completely freaked out for a second. Again. Freaked out by her own insecurities - by the stupid fear that had snagged her when he said he couldn't be near her. But then he'd said…that he….
Heat was crashing over her in waves. Her skin was actually tingling, aching, and maybe he was right. They shouldn't be around each other here, because now she couldn't even look at him. Couldn't they just leave? Maybe they could just leave.
The shocked tears crowding against her eyes pushed through, two dropping down her cheeks, forced out because there was simply too much inside her to keep it all in. She froze; hoped Castle wouldn't notice.
Of course he noticed.
Castle sucked in a breath, his hands reaching up and away before he could touch her, his voice rough. "Kate. No, god. I'm so sorry. I won't say it, I'll take it back." He paused, his hands brushing her hips, her waist, before jerking back, whispering, "But…I...don't think I can take it back. I can't say I don't mean it, but please, I won't say it again."
"No, it's not…" Kate swiped at her cheeks, trying to find the words to tell him that she wasn't upset; she just couldn't contain it - the lust, the love, and if she could have picked the worst place in the world to have this conversation, under the precinct stairs in full sight of the bullpen would have made the top five.
He looked desperate, terrified. Overwhelmed by her reaction to him, to them and this was exactly, exactly what she was afraid of, that he wouldn't even know this woman who felt so much for him she couldn't control it. She would scare them both.
She tried to smile but her mouth felt brittle and wrong.
"No. I'm fine. You just... but you're right, of course you are, we need to talk before-" She could hear herself babbling, tried to slow down. "Are you...are you going home?"
Kate hated how her stomach dropped at the thought of him leaving. So stupid. She could go three hours without seeing him. It would be easier.
It would not be easier. They were almost there. What if he left and got hit by a car, caught in a robbery, just changed his mind? And she was never able to tell him… Oh wow. She blinked back more tears of she didn't even know what because this was too much. She felt too much.
Castle was staring at her, his expression odd. "I was thinking of just sitting in the break room. Maybe Ryan's desk. Unless you want me to…"
"No! No." Kate felt her chest muscles relax, was able to breathe. "We'll just give each other some space. Here." My God, were they really having a cryptic conversation about how to keep from making out at work? Was this real?
Castle's hand brushed her arm before he took a step back, his eyes on hers. "Okay." He nodded, his mouth quirking up. "We'll have space here." He paused before he turned away to step into the bull pen. "We're okay?"
Kate could feel her shoulders dropping, the anxiety subsiding, even as desire flared up white hot, everything in her reaching, hoping. She nodded, echoing his words from earlier. "We're always okay."
3:02 pm., 12th precinct, bullpen, Ryan's desk
"Uno!" Castle tossed his card on the desk and leaned back in his chair, his hands behind his head. "How many is that now? Three? Five?"
Ryan glared, at the end of his patience. "It's two. And will you stop with the Uno? It's Crazy Eights."
Castle dropped his arms and shrugged. "Same difference."
Kate frowned and threw her cards down. They were all at the end of their patience. They still didn't have a case. No one wanted to brave the blizzard, so whatever they'd eaten for lunch had come from the vending machine or the scary recesses of the break room fridge. The ferret was still missing, and she could barely look at Castle without feeling like she was going to burst into flames.
Castle, who was the worst winner ever. It should have been completely off putting, but somehow she was still totally turned on, proving that an excess of lust could actually make you crazy. Kate sighed, irritated by absolutely everything. "Can you at least quiet down? People are trying to work."
Castle glanced around. "Who?"
He had a point. A quick survey of the bullpen revealed two other card games and group clustered around Avery's computer watching the Christmas episode of Downton Abbey.
"No one." Kate admitted, capitulating so quickly that Castle's eyes snapped to her face. His eyebrows drew together, his mockery shifting in an instant to concern at whatever he saw there. He made a move to reach for her, but checked himself, throwing her a glance of such hopeless frustration that she almost leapt across the desk right then, no doubt shocking him and scarring Ryan for life.
They were saved by Esposito stepping off the elevator.
"I have it!" Esposito walked up brandishing a syringe. "Tranquilizers!"
Ryan squinted at him from his desk, "Dude, where did you get that?"
"Talked to the guys in the Mounted Unit. They hooked me up."
Kate did a double take. "You have horse tranquilizers?"
Castle frowned. "Why do you have…" he gasped. "You have horse tranquilizers for the ferret!"
"What!" Ryan reared back, horrified, "You're trying to kill it! You're trying to kill a ferret that belongs to little kids!" He slammed his pen down and twisted in his chair to glare at Esposito. "Why do you hate kids, man?"
Esposito stopped still and blinked, taken aback by Ryan's vehemence. "I don't hate kids! It's just a little bit of tranquilizer. The guys said it's safe to use on cats. It will just put him back to sleep."
"You are not using that."
"You heard Karpowski! Ferrets are viscous! There's no telling what it might do!"
"You've gone crazy. I seriously think you need some help. This ferret issue has gone too far."
"Reality show." Castle sing-songed under his breath. "Feeeerrets in a baaaall pit."
Kate resolutely kept her eyes on Ryan and Esposito, sucking her lips against her teeth to keep from smiling.
"I was trying to help."
"Help him die."
"Fine. If you want to get your leg bitten off. Disability won't cover that shit if it's your ferret, I don't care if it does happen at work."
Ryan rolled his eyes and stood up. "I'm getting some coffee.
He headed for the break room without looking back. Esposito followed muttering dire predictions about workers comp and a lifetime as a desk jockey with a fake leg.
Leaving her alone with Castle.
They'd managed to avoid being alone for a whopping thirty minutes.
"So," Castle fiddled with his cards, not quite looking at her, his whole manner hesitant, tentative, a complete one-eighty from a minute ago. "You, um." He cleared his throat, picked up the cards. "You want to play?"
"Do I want to play?" Kate knew he was talking about cards, but the picture in her mind was very, very different, and yes, yes, she wanted to play and she had to move away from him right now.
Castle glanced up at her question, his face… It was an act, she realized, the card game, bragging about winning, all an act to get through the afternoon. He was just as bothered and miserable as she was.
Kate could feel her face flushing, her gaze caught in his, arousal sliding through her in slow undulating waves.
She jumped up. "I'm going…um…my desk. Phone. Time." She'd lost the ability to make actual sense. Awesome.
"Good idea. It has to be almost five." Castle sounded a little desperate. She heard his chair scrape back and then he was standing beside her and why, why, why? This was not space, not when her traitorous body wanted to fold into him, breathe him in. Lick his neck. Oh dear lord, please let it be almost five.
She glanced at the phone.
"Dammit. It's only three..." Kate stopped as Castle suddenly dropped to the floor and half crawled under her desk. She tried not to gasp as he brushed against her legs. "What are you doing?"
"Looking for my paperclip chain."
"Your paperclip chain?"
"It was right here on your desk, and now it's gone. I can't find it anywhere." Castle popped his head out and looked up at her, his mouth inches from her thigh. He briefly closed his eyes. "Hey, will you check the other drawers?" His voice was strained. Tight. "Maybe I put in one of yours by mistake."
Kate was about to reflexively retort that they were all her drawers, when she realized that the one on the top next to his chair was full of his stuff: the paperclip chain, his stress ball, that grape flavored gum that made her think of children's medicine. There was also a notebook, a flash drive that she pretended she didn't know he used to steal case files, and a tie, in case he needed to go somewhere fancy from the precinct.
It was his. He had a drawer in her desk. They really were work married.
"Kate?" Castle's voice pulled her out of the oddly pleasing revelation. She passed a hand over eyes and turned to find his gaze on her, so full of absolutely everything that she couldn't do it anymore.
The drawer - the stupid drawer - had put her over the edge and she wasn't going to be able to stop herself. She was going to drop into her chair beside him, wrap her fingers around his jaw. Pull him closer, until his mouth was on hers, warm and soft …
And his phone rang, snapping her out of it, making her jump. She slumped against the desk, her hand trembling against her mouth. That was close. Two hours left. Two.
Castle sat back on his heels and checked the number. "Oh. I've got to take this." He jumped to his feet, suddenly towering over her. He hesitated. "You're all right?"
Kate nodded mutely, willing him to move away, just for a minute. Just so she could regain her equilibrium.
"Okay." He stepped away from her desk. "Check the drawers?" He called over his shoulder as he walked away, and then,
"Hey!" He sounded excited. "Thanks for calling me back so fast." He paused, smiling. "It's great to hear from you, too." Kate sat up, her attention caught. Suddenly uneasy.
Castle half-glanced back at her as he walked toward the stairs. He dropped his voice, but since Kate was listening so hard she was all but cupping her ears, she was still able to hear him.
"So, are we on for tomorrow night?"
It was like she'd been punched in the stomach, her abdominals contracting, hard, as the air was forcibly squeezed from her lungs.
Kate stared after him, paperclip chain forgotten, trying not to gasp for air. It was ridiculous. Totally ridiculous, but she couldn't ignore the nagging fear, the hollow ache unfurling inside of her. She'd been trying all day to tell herself it was nothing - the phone calls, this woman.
It didn't sound like nothing anymore.
3:18 pm, 12th precinct, bullpen. Breathe.
Kate couldn't move. Castle was still on the phone, his back to her, and the whole thing had her reeling so hard she wondered if she was going to be able to keep her coffee down.
The rational, adult side of her mind tried to remind her that she was over-reacting again. That phone call could be anything, even if it had sounded exactly like plans for a date.
The insecure part, the part that had always wondered if Castle could ever find one person enough, could ever find her to be enough, was suddenly, horrifically certain she was right. That she and Castle were nothing more than bad timing and mixed signals; that they had never been playing the same game at all. Had she imagined everything?
No. Kate took a steadying breath. She hadn't. She wasn't going to do this. She was going to wait right here, and as soon as he got off the phone she was just going to ask, point blank, who was on the phone and why.
Or should she wait until tonight? Maybe she should wait until tonight, when they had time. So if it was a date she could tell him that she didn't want him to go. No more waiting. No more games.
And then the screaming started.
3:19 pm 12th precinct, bullpen, break room, crazytown.
It was coming from the break room, high pitched and shrill. Over it, Ryan's voice, frantic.
"Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him! Ouch! Dammit!"
Kate ran, making to the break room door just in time to see Ryan reeling back, clawing at his face. Something flew through the air, right before he tripped and flew backwards, knocking over the full coffee pot on his way down. His head barely missed the counter.
There was the crash of shattering glass while coffee splattered into the air. Esposito abruptly quit screaming and stood stock still, his hands covering his mouth, his eyes huge, so in shock that he didn't even react when he was hit with most of the coffee.
Castle slid up, breathless, slamming her into the doorframe, his arm wrapping around her waist to catch them both.
"Oof." His breath puffed against her neck. "Whoops." He tried to pull his arm away but got his thumb tangled in her belt loop, his fingers accidentally dipping under her waistband, against her skin, and holy shit, breathe.
"Sorry!"Castle was breathing hard against her back, and for half a second it felt like his hand splayed against her stomach before he yanked his fingers free, nearly tripping to Ryan's side.
Kate followed, her hand on her chest. Can you actually have a heart attack from a triple wallop of arousal and adrenaline and possible heartbreak? Maybe.
Castle crouched down and helped Ryan sit up as Kate gently grabbed Esposito's shoulder. "What happened?"
He jumped and whirled around, his eyes still impossibly large. Haunted.
"Beckett, it was…" Esposito's mouth was opened but he couldn't get the words out, his throat working convulsively, one hand waving around over his head. "It just flew through the air," he managed, "Like a kamikaze attack."
"What flew through the air?"
"The ferret. He was in the cabinet." Kate turned to Ryan, who was sitting up on the floor holding his sleeve to his face. "Castle, can you grab me a napkin?"
"The ferret jumped out of the cabinet?"
"He was lying in wait." Esposito whispered.
"Don't be stupid. He was trying to hide. We scared him." Ryan dropped his arm to grab the napkin, and all three of them gasped.
Castle actually staggered back on his heels, losing his balance and falling against the table leg. "Oh my god, man. What the hell happened to your face?"
Ryan's face was covered - covered - in short pink welts, each oozing tiny droplets of blood. He looked like he'd lost a fight with…well, a ferret. Beside her Esposito started to breath hard.
It was an attack ferret. Kate raised her hand to her mouth, to contain her laughter or her horror, she wasn't sure which. "Oh. Oh, no way. Did it claw you?"
"No, that's where he got… um," Esposito had to stop and compose himself. He was going to hyperventilate in a second. "That's where he got whipped by the paperclips."
"The paperclips?" She and Castle asked in tandem. It was to Castle's credit that he refrained from calling "jinx".
"Yeah, the ferret, he…," Esposito gestured towards his face with shaking hands, "he had a whole chain of them, like, clenched in his teeth."
"Oh." Castle's face brightened. "So that's what happened to my paperclip chain."
Kate, Ryan and Esposito turned as one to stare at him.
"What? That's one mystery solved."
"Dude, it's not funny." Esposito's voice became even more horrified. "He used those paperclips like a nunchuck. Like it was intentional. Like it was personal."
He really did need some therapy. Kate patted his arm, wondering if he was going to need to breathe into a paper bag. "Esposito, that ferret couldn't possibly..."
"I know what I saw!"
"Whoa." Castle flinched back again, his hands flying to his ears. Kate tried to discreetly wipe the flecks of spit from her cheek.
"Calm down, man." Ryan was dabbing at his face. It was covered in blood, but was amazingly sweat free. Aside from his mangled face he looked the sanest he had all day. The ferret sighting had obviously cheered him up. Given him hope. "He was only swinging at me because we agitated him. It's not his fault."
"Not his fault?" Esposito's face flushed a dark red. He looked like he was about to have a stroke. "Listen to yourself! It's like you're a victim of abuse! Don't defend your abuser!"
Ryan raised his eyebrows. "I think maybe you need to listen to yourself."
"What is the meaning of this?"
They all froze. Gates. Dammit. Kate closed her eyes.
"Mr. Castle, why are you on the floor? Why is Detective Esposito covered in coffee?" She blanched. "Why does Detective Ryan look like he lost a fight with a squirrel?"
"Now, squirrels are rodents." This last was from Karpowski, who, along with most of homicide, was clustered outside the break room door shamelessly eavesdropping. Downton Abbey must be over.
Gates twisted to stare at Karpowski, her eyebrows around her hairline. "I am aware of that, Detective Karpowski. Is there a reason you felt compelled to remind me of a squirrel's scientific classification?"
Karpowski darted her eyes from Ryan to Gates while Kate held her breath. Castle and Ryan seemed paralyzed; Esposito tried not to wheeze.
"No sir, no reason." Karpowski sounded liked her usual, unflappable self again. She might be terrified of ferrets, but she was no sell-out. "Just useful information. You should learn something new every day, you know."
"Thank you for sharing." Gates' gaze was unblinking and unnerving, like a shark. "Please get back to work before I forget I work in homicide and not an elementary school."
Everyone around the door scattered, probably to clean up their card games and pretend to do paperwork. Gates turned back to the break room, one eyebrow still raised. "Well?"
Silence, as they all waited for Castle to come up with something. Ridiculous explanations were his forte', and in this case the ridiculous was built right in. Kate shot him a glance, only to find that he was staring, wide-eyed, confused. Like even he couldn't believe he wasn't in the middle of some elaborate story.
Kate felt her heart sink. If Castle couldn't think up an explanation they were in serious trouble. Gates was still staring at them, that damn eyebrow hiked up, a hint of triumph in her eyes.
Was she messing with them? Did she already know? If she did, that was it. Ryan was on traffic duty forever, and she and Esposito were going to get some sort of accessory to the ferret disciplinary action. Maybe they would even get sent home for the day without pay.
Kate sucked in a breath. Maybe they would get sent home. That would be the best silver lining ever. She and Castle could leave right now. They could be alone. The heavy, anxious knot in her stomach could be gone if she could just talk to him, ask about the phone call. Her place was closer, so…
Esposito cleared his throat, "Uh, sir? It's my fault. I forgot to add water when I made coffee. The pot overheated and exploded when Detective Ryan picked it up." His voice squeaked and he coughed. "We're lucky he didn't put an eye out."
Gates narrowed her eyes, focusing on Esposito's pants. "Then why are you covered in coffee?"
Esposito's mouth opened and closed soundlessly, his eyes rolling to Kate, who stared back blankly. She had nothing.
"And that was my fault." Oh, thank God. Castle was entering the fray. "Detective Ryan was, uh, startled when the pot exploded -"
"He screamed like a little girl." Esposito cut in, still sort of breathless, but trying to help.
Ryan threw him a dirty look from behind his bloody napkin. Esposito shrugged helplessly as Castle raised his voice, pressing onward, "And that startled me into dropping my coffee, which then splattered all over Detective Esposito here."
"Uh huh." Gates flicked her eyes from Ryan to Esposito to Castle, suspicious. "I see. And where is your coffee cup?"
"The trash." Castle lied without missing a beat. "I thought it best to start cleaning up immediately. Wouldn't want anyone else to slip and get hurt."
"How thoughtful." Gate's eyes were narrowing and Kate could see she didn't believe a single word. "How very lucky we are to have you among us, Mr. Castle." She also didn't have anything on them. Yet. "Very well. Finish cleaning up and get back to work."
They collectively held their breath until Gates was in her office, slumping in relief at the sound of her door closing.
"That was close." Castle looked stressed. "We have got to find that ferret before he attacks someone else, because we all know who is getting blamed for this."
Kate rubbed her temple. Something else to worry about. "Yeah. Gates knows something's up. Did you see her face? She's on the warpath now."
"Yeah, well, so is the ferret." Esposito cleared his throat, didn't quite look at Ryan. "I'll help you look for him, if you want."
Ryan struggled to his feet, one hand still clutching the bloody napkin to his face. He staggered over to Esposito; put his hand on his shoulder. "Thanks, man. That means a lot. And thanks for stepping in, saving my ass with Gates." His voice was brimming with emotion.
"Of course, bro." Esposito choked out, "I'm sorry I didn't help you before. Partners."
"No, man, I'm sorry. I know how you feel about ferrets. I should have told Jenny I couldn't do it." Ryan sounded like he might cry.
Castle stood up and edged closer to Kate. "Are they okay?"
Kate smiled. Her boys were ridiculous, but also adorable. "I think they are."
Castle sent her a sidelong look, his lips twitching. He raised his voice. "Do you guys need privacy? We can leave."
"Yeah," Kate added, "do you two need to go lie down in the break room?"
Ryan and Esposito ignored them as they shared a manly hug, complete with backslaps. Kate heaved an internal sigh of relief. At least that was one relationship salvaged today.
3:29 pm. 12th precinct, break room. Just do it.
Kate sat at the table drinking what felt like her twentieth cup of cup today. Esposito and Ryan were in the bullpen planning their next move. They were currently rearranging the ferret board to get a fresh perspective. Castle was making himself a cappuccino, busying himself with the all elements of the cappuccino ritual that Kate could never quite master.
She was pretty sure she had decided to wait until tonight to ask Castle about his phone call, but all at once she was talking, all of the tension and anxiety causing her to blurt out exactly the wrong thing.
"So, big plans tomorrow tonight?" Kate wanted to take it back the moment the words left her mouth. She had a pit in her stomach and had never wanted any information less, but at that same time at least it was out there. She was going to go crazy if she didn't find out what was going on.
Castle looked up from the cappuccino machine and paused, his eyes startled for a moment before he smiled at her, hesitant. Or was it reluctantly? "Maybe." She couldn't read him. At this moment he was indecipherable, as he'd been for so much of today. "Um. Yeah. I hope so."
Kate somehow managed to keep her face blank as everything inside her just collapsed, because holy shit, she hadn't really, deep-down believed she was right.
Castle was still smiling at her, smiling like he hadn't just snapped her heart in two. And, apparently, turned her into a melodramatic drama queen, but god, it hurt.
Okay. But. She didn't know anything, nothing for sure; she needed to clarify before she freaked out. She swallowed the lump in her throat. She just needed a minute to get it together. A minute alone.
Kate took a deep breath and willed her voice not to shake. "Oh, well. Cool. Have fun." That was all she got out before she had to stand up and head for the door. So stupid. It was not all right. But she couldn't cry. She was not going to run. She wasn't. The damn fucking tears were pressing against back of her eyes, but she just had to make to the elevator…
But something in her voice or face must not have been as controlled as she thought, or maybe he could just read her that well, because she had only just made it into the hallway when he was behind her, grabbing her by the upper arm, turning her around.
"Hey, what's wrong? You don't…" he trailed off when he saw her face, and Kate realized, humiliated, that she hadn't managed to hold back all the tears.
She started to say something, anything, to put him off so she could escape, buy herself a few minutes. But her throat closed up around a knot of misery and she couldn't do anything except stand there, futilely swiping at her cheeks, while Castle's face morphed from confusion to baffled concern. Abruptly he pulled her forward, opened the first door he came to and pushed her through. He shut the door behind him, plunging them into darkness.