Castle Fic - Waiting Game, Chapter 4
11:00 am, 12th precinct, bullpen, whiteboard
“Okay.” Ryan turned, the white board marker in his hand. “This is what we’ve got.”
The minute Gates walked away a change had come over Ryan. A resolve. That determination that sometimes came in the middle of an impossible case, when there was no reason to think it wasn’t hopeless, but something wouldn’t let you quit. Something told you to push through, that you would get it. Kate could tell Ryan was in the midst of just such an epiphany. He was going to find the ferret.
The transformation was amazing…and somewhat suspicious. Ryan was calm. He was decisive. He was almost sweat-free. Kate wondered how long it could last.
Now Ryan stepped aside so Kate and Esposito could have an unobstructed view of the white board. It was….marvelous, really, if you glossed over the fact that it was for a missing ferret investigation.
There was a detailed timeline, including: last known sightings (the bathroom), a possible sighting (a scream from the break room), and theories on the ferret’s next move. There was a column of extraneous information: when he had last eaten, known interests like chew toys and shiny things. There was even a photo of a ferret, smack in the middle of the board.
“Wow.” Kate was a little lost for words. “That is…really…complete. Just…wow. Is that an actual picture of your ferret?” The photograph featured a seriously adorable ferret gazing up from a field of flowers.
“No. It’s a Google Image.” Ryan scoffed. “I don’t have a picture of my ferret.”
“Of course not.” Esposito stood back, his eyes averted, “Because that would be going too far.”
“Hey, if you’re uncomfortable you don’t have to look at it.”
Esposito shot him a look of disdain and was turning away when something caught his attention. He jerked back around, narrowing his eyes.
“What! Why is my picture up here?” He stepped closer, peering at the board. “I’m under ‘Known Enemies’ !”
Ryan held one hand in the air. “Just trying to be thorough.”
“I’ll show you thorough.”
Just when Kate thought she was going to have to physically restrain Esposito to keep him from tearing up Ryan’s ferret board - and possibly Ryan - she felt a quivering awareness that started at the base of spine and ended in the tingling at the top of her head. She was enveloped in warmth. Castle’s voice came from just behind her, close enough that she knew she could take half a step back and hit his chest.
“Awesome.” Kate twisted around to see Castle gazing at the board happily. “Nice job, Ryan. Good call with the ‘Known Enemies’. Really thorough.”
“I know, right?”
Esposito looked at Castle like he had gone to the dark side. “Bro. We’re a homicide unit. We don’t do missing ferrets.”
Castle rubbed his chin. “I see what you’re saying.” He nodded slowly. “It’s not really our case. Now, if the ferret were dead…”
“He’s not dead!” Ryan barked, causing them all to jump. He looked slightly wild again, a hint of crazy in his eyes. Kate knew the calm couldn’t last. His hand was already in his hair.
Ryan turned to Esposito, “Seriously, man? Seriously? I know you have a problem, but Jenny is seriously going to kill me if I can’t find this ferret.”
“Bro, I don’t get how you don’t seriously want to kill Jenny for making you deal with a ferret.”
“Because that’s what you do for the people you love, you help them out with their ferret! Instead of, I don’t know, trying to get them to hide under a desk.”
Kate felt her eyes widen and involuntarily glanced at Castle, who was staring back, his eyes round, too. That was sort of below the belt. They were all unraveling.
“Okay, first of all ‘help them out with their ferret’? And second, shut up about that man, under the circumstances that was a perfectly reasonable request”
“If by ‘reasonable’ you mean ‘ridiculous’.”
Esposito inhaled sharply as his eyes bugged out and Kate could see this spiraling downward fast. “Ridiculous!”
“Okay, guys…” Castle stepped forward and laid a hand on Ryan’s arm. “Let’s just…”
“That’s right!”
Ryan flung Castle’s hand off just as Esposito hollered “That’s it!” and moved up, his hands in fists by his side.
Several heads turned in their direction as the rest of the bullpen woke up to the ruckus going on by the whiteboard. The ferret covered whiteboard.
This was seriously happening. Ryan and Esposito were actually about to come to blows in the middle of the bullpen because of a ferret. Please, please let the phone ring right this second with some sort of grisly triple homicide, or they were never going to live this down. Kate sighed, stepped closer, her voice low.
“Everyone is looking at us. You two have got to cool it.”
Ryan’s eyes rolled around the room without really seeing anything, he was so worked up. “No! I mean, ha ha very funny, Ryan’s lost his ferret, hysterical, but I have to find it before Gates does, or Jenny finds out, and…” He turned eyes filled with betrayal to Esposito, “….and you’re supposed to be my partner, man!”
Esposito still looked like he wanted to punch something “Yeah? Well you’re supposed to be my partner but that didn’t stop you from bringing my worst fear to work with you!”
Castle had backed up against a desk and was staring at them both with a look of almost comical horror on his face. “Oh my god.” He muttered to Kate. “Who let in the drama llamas?”
“Not helping.” Kate shook her head him, trying to convey with her eyes that he needed to shut up and not egg anyone on, because if Ryan or Esposito threw a punch she was done. She was going home, if she had to walk through the damn blizzard to do so.
“It’s a ferret! It’s just a damn ferret!” Ryan looked completely crazy again, his hair all over, his face sweaty. “Are you going to help me or not?”
Castle suddenly pushed off the desk and stood between Ryan and Esposito, his height blocking their view of each other. “Of course we are.” He put his hand on Ryan’s shoulder and turned him toward the board, but kept his eyes on Kate as if to say, “See? Helping.”
He was, and she was grateful. Kate could feel a smile teasing at her lips, and just like that she wanted to laugh. At the ridiculous ferret fight, at Castle’s abrupt switch to helpful mediator, at this whole day.
He was studying the board with Ryan. “Don’t worry man,” Castle’s voice was low and soothing, the way Kate imagined it would have been when he calmed Alexis as a baby, the way it had been when he stood at her back those time when she was shaky, an immoveable force that propped her up to make her stand. It made her want to close her eyes and rest, made her feel safe. “We’re all going right now. We’ll find him.”
But she’d already found him, Kate thought, once again hit with a wave of affection. Once again suffused with love.
She’d already found him.
*********
11:15 am, 12th precinct, bullpen, by the elevators
“We are never going to find him.” Kate whispered. She and Castle were waiting for the elevator, their backs to Ryan, who was adding still more information to the white board. Esposito was sitting at his desk, petulantly pretending to do paperwork. “He could be anywhere in the whole building by now.”
“Oh ye of little faith.” Castle was twinkling at her out of the corner of his eye and his lips were curling up into a smile and …oh god, twinkling again. Kate wondered if getting on the elevator alone with him was such a good idea.
“I’ll make you a bet.” Castle wasn’t whispering but his voice was still pitched low and warm, the timbre doing something to her insides. Melting her, loosening her up and she wished they were anywhere else. This day, his constant presence, the lack of distraction, was proving too much and Kate wasn’t sure how much longer she was going to hold out. Her control was slipping; she could only barely grasp it now.
“I’ll bet you that we find the ferret before 5 o’clock, or I have to take you out for dinner.” Castle finished softly. He was biting his lips to hold back his smile, his eyes fixed on her like he had just said the most hilarious thing ever and he was just waiting for her to return the volley. And usually she would, but this time…Kate felt a swoop in her stomach and color tinting her checks. Without even thinking she leaned in, her eyes locked to his.
“But that’s a bet I can’t lose.” She had meant to be flirty, light, but instead even she could hear that she was practically purring. Oh.
Castle was still smiling but the teasing slowly faded from his eyes. There was a long pause, before he sucked in a breath, his eyes never leaving her. “Me either.”
Oh, god. And again Kate desperately wanted to be somewhere away, somewhere alone with him. She didn’t even know exactly what she wanted to do with him (lies) just that, “I wish…” she started, but she stumbled over the words, because she wasn’t close to sure what they should be or where to find them.
“What? I didn’t…” Castle was whispering now, his face serious. He took a step closer and leaned over to hear, his hand on her elbow, his ear inches from her lips, “Kate, what?”
Out of the corner of her eye Kate saw Gates cross her office and start going through her file cabinet. If she happened to look up would see them nearly embracing in the middle of the bullpen.
Gates. For several wonderful minutes she’d forgotten about the meeting with Gates.
Kate swallowed and abruptly took a step back, trying to get a grip on her whirling confusion. She felt like she was being barraged, hit by one rolling wave of emotion after another all morning, without a moments respite. The surge of feeling she got whenever she saw him , the feeling that she had to tap down, hide, because of her own stupid rules and now the precinct’s…she didn’t know what to do, couldn’t get her footing, was as off balance as she’d ever been.
If she could just have moment to herself, a second to sit down and think, then she could make herself be rational. But she didn’t, and when Castle stepped so close to her, ready for her to whisper in his ear, his head tilted toward her, his body nearly surrounding her, so intimate, she knew how it would appear.
Usually, Castle this close to her, touching her, would ignite a slow spread of warmth throughout her body that was somehow both thrilling and comforting. This time she iced over in fear. Fear Gates would see, and the relationship they hadn’t even acknowledged would be compromised. Fear that she would lose Castle from the 12th. Fear that she would lose him.
So Kate stepped back, where before she would have leaned in, teasing him, her hand on his shoulder for balance, close enough that his breath would stir her hair. Instead she jerked away from his hand, shook her head. “Nothing.”
Castle slowly straightened, his eyes on her face, hurt lurking behind his obvious confusion, “Okay.” He looked a little stunned, like he couldn’t catch up to the abrupt shift in mood.
“It’s just…” she gestured towards Gates’ office, “I mean, you were kind of close, it might have looked like…” This was impossible, “It’s not like… I know it was nothing…”
“No, no I get it.” Castle cut in quickly, giving her a half-smile that didn’t quite make it to his eyes. He faced the elevator doors, as if willing them to open. Almost like he was trying not to look at her.
Kate couldn’t look away from him, openly staring as something about him sparked a new, yet familiar uneasiness that began to churn in her stomach.
“You know,” his voice was hesitant, his eyes still on the elevator doors. “We don’t have to look together, if you’re worried.” Castle finally looked away from the doors and faced her, but he still wasn’t meeting her eyes, his gaze landing somewhere around her left shoulder. “It might be better if we,” he cleared his throat, took a breath, “split up.”
Kate’s stomach tightened and she felt the blood drain from her face and she knew, she knew she was being absolutely stupid, that he didn’t mean it like that. But she suddenly realized why his demeanor, his tone, was so familiar and was making her so uneasy. Now that she remembered it was scaring the shit out of her.
Castle had looked and acted just like this that day, summer before last. Right after she told him she was seeing Demming. Just before he told her it was his last case. Right before he left her.
And this was the fear that trumped all others. Greater than the idea that Gates might think they were involved, worse than the thought that Castle might be forced out of the precinct, was the possibility that he might decide to leave on his own. Not just the 12th, but her life altogether.
The elevator dinged, the doors opening soundlessly, and Castle stepped back slightly and waved her ahead of him. Kate could feel her breath beginning to come in shallow gasps, and she immediately turned to make sure he was followed her. Somewhere outside of herself she knew she was over-reacting, that she was having some sort of mild panic attack, but she couldn’t make herself stop.
Castle was in the back corner, leaning against the wall, and in her anxiety it made her heart pound a little harder. It’s like he was trying to get some distance from her. He never did that. Castle was supposed to be in the middle. They always stood in the middle of the elevator. Together. Pretending by tacit agreement that there wasn’t room to spread out and that they needed to stand close enough to touch. Kate wasn’t sure what to do in the middle by herself, except try to control her breathing and not completely freak out like a crazy person.
She lasted two floors, maybe all of ten seconds. Ten seconds during which Castle kept his eyes fixed straight ahead and Kate couldn’t stand it, her anxiety building up and spilling out, her voice loud and almost confrontational in the confides of the elevator. “I don’t want to split up.”
His head snapped up, his gaze finally meeting hers, the look in his eyes…she couldn’t read the look in his eyes. That…that never happened. She always knew what he was thinking, or almost always. The only time he really tried to hide what he was feeling from her was when he was very hurt, and even then…Oh no.
She must’ve really hurt his feelings, jerking away from him like that. Shame washed through her as she realized how she would have felt had he done the same to her, and she knew that he loved her. The knowledge that she loved him was so ingrained in her now that sometimes she forgot he didn’t know, couldn’t know. Couldn’t know about her thousands of issues behind her actions because she never told him. He would assume she was rejecting him. Again. Exactly like that summer day he left.
Castle was standing away from the wall but made no move towards her, no move to get closer. He was frowning, tentative, like he had no idea what her next move would be. “All right.” His eyes were still shuttered. “We don’t have to.” He looked at her warily, like he was trying to anticipate her next move.
Kate knew she was being irrational but fear had her, the fear that she had finally pushed him to leave. That he would assume there was no reason to stay. Fear that he had been standing there, staring at the wall, thinking up some invented reason that would take him from the 12th, from her, and she had to fix it. Before she even knew what she was doing her nerves had propelled her forward, into his personal space, close enough to smell his aftershave and his soap and something underneath that was just him.
Kate circled his wrist with her fingers, binding him to her, their bodies brushing, her heart beat so hard she was afraid her would feel it. She stood on her tiptoes to speak softly in his ear, even though they were alone in the elevator and there was no one else to hear.
“You can’t leave.”
**************
Still in the elevator. Omg.
Castle was dying. Or dreaming. Or possibly already dead, but he didn’t care as long as it meant this moment could continue exactly like this.
He couldn’t think, he was too stunned by the sudden onslaught of sensation, and he couldn’t get a handle on what was happening, why Kate was talking about people leaving. He certainly wasn’t going anywhere, not while she was touching him, and oh god, was that her breast against his arm? He’s pretty sure that’s her breast brushing his arm. By its own volition his hand has risen to rest at the curve of her waist, just at the slope of her hip, and he has to concentrate not to dig his fingers into her soft skin, to yank her against him.
Castle was sure she was mad at him, or at least irritated, but these were not the actions of a woman who was annoyed. Actually, these weren’t the actions of a woman named Kate Beckett, with her thumb stoking his wrist and her hair soft against his cheek.
Kate was barely inches from him, her breath on his neck, and what was she doing, because this was disturbingly - or awesomely - how many of his fantasies started, especially since they were alone in the elevator. If they came to a sudden stop, became trapped between floors, he was going to know that he was either unconscious or the butt of the biggest practical joke of all time. Either way, he wasn’t sure he cared.
Kate dropped to her heels, her voice no longer in his ear, but her body was still right there, touching but not quite, exquisite torture, and if she had any idea how often he’d dreamed of this… except in his fantasies she usually wasn’t so pale, and her pupils weren’t quite so dilated, at least not with what seemed like…panic? And she definitely never had that tight little quiver in her lips that made it seem like she was trying not to cry…something was wrong.
But she was just so close.
His heart squeezed and he forced himself to stand very, very still. This wasn’t…this wasn’t what it felt like.
Castle was pretty sure he had emotional whiplash.
Kate was standing in his loose embrace, his hand still on the soft curve of her waist, when not even five minutes ago she had jerked away from him like his touch burned her skin. Which was a one eighty from one minute before that, when she had taken his flirty comment and returned it with a voice that was like an invitation. To bed.
When she seemed angry he tried to give her space and she stared at him like he might vanish. She yelled at him when he gave her an excuse to get away from him for a while.
And now Kate was standing here so close, confusing him, muddling his senses, but she was breathing hard and looked like she wanted to cry and the only thing he was certain of at this moment was that it would kill him if she cried.
Castle was paralyzed with indecision. His mind told him something wasn’t right, something was off. He could feel Kate quivering against him and he intellectually he knew that it wasn’t arousal, but his body was telling him it was desire, desire like his, and he wanted with everything in him to wrap his arms around her, spin her so her back hits the wall, to sink into the softness of her body. To run his hand down her thigh and push against her, pull her hips to his, to cup the nape of her neck under her hair and lightly suck the beautiful column of her throat before burying his lips in hers and kissing her again and again…
But no. Oh, no no, she was stepping back, her heat no longer engulfing him…although her fingers were still wrapped around his wrist, tiny points of fire against his skin.
“I mean…” Kate bit her lip, visibly flustered or trying to kill him, one. “We can’t give Gates a reason to send you away.”
“What?” He still couldn’t really concentrate, but it didn’t help that she wasn’t making any sense.
“Gates.” She was staring at his collar, refusing to meet his eyes, “We can’t do anything that makes it look like we’re involved, or she might make you leave.”
Something clicked. “Gates was there. That’s way you jerked away.”
She looked up, her whole body visibly slumping with relief. “Yes.”
Castle was stunned. Kate was relieved that he understood? That’s what this was about? She was in a near panic because…what? She thought he might be mad at her? No, ridiculous. It had to be something else.
“So you’re upset because we might get in trouble with Gates?”
“Not trouble. If she thinks we’re involved…”
“Why would she think we’re involved?” Castle meant it to be reassuring but realized the second it came out of his mouth that it sounded more incredulous, like he didn’t think there was anything between them. And of course there wasn’t, but…
Kate inhaled sharply and he wanted to say it wasn’t what he meant; it was just that he was so used to pretending that there was nothing to know, and why wasn’t she pretending…the rules were all broken and everything was upside down and what the hell.
He held her hip a little firmer, pulled her a fraction closer. “Kate. Why are you so upset?”
Her fingers spasmed on his wrist, gripping him tighter. “I’m not…why do you think I’m upset?”
Castle felt totally surreal. Kate was close enough to lean down and kiss, her eyes were still a little overly bright, and she was holding his wrist so tightly he was starting to lose feeling in his fingers.
“No reason.” Castle glanced down at her face and quickly looked up again when he realized he could see straight down her shirt. He was going to die in this elevator, he really, really was.” It’s just…you don’t usually care this much about what Gates thinks.”
“I don’t care what Gates thinks.”
“Then what’s wrong?” Now she pulled back. Kate dropped his wrist, disentangled herself from his hand at hip.
“I don’t…I’m not…” Kate stopped, took a breath, and finally looked him full in the eye. “I just don’t want you to have to leave the 12th.”
Kate’s eyes were huge and she was biting down on one lip, and Castle wanted to reassure her that if he didn’t let her kick him out, he sure as hell wasn’t going to let Gates, but he couldn’t move because he had been struck with an idea so impossible, so…
He hadn’t been paying attention. The feel of her against him had kept him from really hearing her, noticing that that’s the third time she has said that, about him having to leave.
And that means…she’s this upset because she’s afraid he might have to stop shadowing her?
Kate was staring at him, her anxiety almost palpable, and he knew he was staring back, silent and slack jawed, but he just… because if she didn’t want him to leave, if it distressed her this much…it has to mean…oh god.
“What?” His silence has gotten to her, and Kate looks freaked out and afraid and worried and beautiful and gorgeous, and if he wanted to kiss her before it’s nothing to how he feels now. He presses himself against the elevator wall to keep from reaching for her.
“Nothing.” Castle can’t stop the smile he can feel spreading and he’s sure that his face is a gooey mess of love. He’s almost desperate to hold her but knows it’s not what Kate needs right now, and before he does anything he has to get that look off her face. To do whatever he has to make her feel like herself again. He took a breath, fixed her with a look.
“I think I’m offended. Gates, kick me out? She has tried and failed, my friend.” Kate’s shoulders were relaxing, the anxious look fading. “But if you’re worried, I’ll just stay ten feet away from you at all times.” He waggled his eyebrows. “We can pretend you have a restraining order out against me.”
A slow smile was breaking across Kate’s face, and her eyes were almost back to normal, back to her. “A restraining order is at least fifty feet, Castle.”
“Hmm.” He scrunched his face. “That might make it harder, but maybe you could work at your desk and I could just stay in the break room.” The joke was stupid, but Kate was smiling, so Castle was counting it as a victory.
“Wait, so I’m stuck with paperwork while you get the coffee? How is that fair?”
“Oh don’t worry, I’ll figure out a way to get you coffee. I wouldn’t let you down like that.”
“No.” Kate said, something in her eyes making his heart pound while his whole being was flooded with crazy anticipation and happiness and love. “I don’t think you ever would.”