FF: What the Rain Washes Away 11/13 (Criminal Minds) JJ/Emily NC-17
Chapter Ten…
Sometimes a heart can break and make its own relief
The way a cold, dark night invites The Fire Thief
One Week Earlier…
Emily had been right - Will had known she'd left that night, but he hadn't said anything, at least not at first. He was distant, but that wasn't much of a change as they'd never really fallen into a comfortable pattern since he'd moved up from New Orleans. She'd cleaned out her closet, given him room in the drawers and on bookshelves, but that was just space and they both knew it. The little things you learned, that became second hand when you lived with someone, when you loved someone, had never taken hold. She could remember Emily's birthday, her favorite book, and the way she liked her coffee but JJ couldn't seem to remember that Will was allergic to bananas, something he reminded her of every time she brought home a carton of Strawberry/Bannana juice instead of Orange.
Days stretched on interminably as Will's distance turned into full-on silent treatment. He was unhappy. So was JJ. And neither one of them knew how to fix it without hurting the other, which didn't seem to be a fix at all. So, they kept on pretending, going through their day-to-day lives as if nothing were wrong. As if JJ hadn't snuck out in the middle of the night to drive across town and fuck her ex-girlfriend. As if Will hadn't known all along he was second-choice and always would be. Pretending got them through, until Will couldn't pretend anymore.
The end of it all had started simply enough, an innocuous question Will had floated during dinner to take up conversation after JJ returned from a three-day case. But what started as JJ's answer to 'How was work?' turned into a rather enthusiastic re-telling of how Emily had run down an UnSub in the woods, tackled him, and single-handedly dragged his sorry ass back to the waiting police cars.
"Jesus Christ, JJ, do you have one god damn story that doesn't involve Emily Prentiss," Will had snapped, and just like that the charade was over.
There was some yelling from Will, of course, for pride's sake, but it didn't last long. Not when the end had been so clear from the beginning. She'd tried, at least as much as she was able, because she loved her baby. Loved him more than she thought she could love anything else, and wanted to give him everything - including the perfect family she'd never had. But she couldn't make her love for her child transfer into love for Will - affection, yes, respect, absolutely, but not love. Not the kind of love that made you ache without it; love that nearly made you cry with happiness; love that took your breath away with just one look.
She and Emily had always been able to speak volumes with just a look.
Will was gone now, back to New Orleans, back to being a detective. He'd never been exactly happy with giving up his career but he'd done it anyway. He'd put JJ and the baby first. JJ, he pointed out as he packed his bags, had never even considered giving up her career at the FBI. It was the last quiet condemnation he made before he kissed her on the cheek and walked out the door. Somehow, it hurt more than anything else; more than all the angry words and accusations.
She'd never given herself to anyone before, never opened up to let them inside her heart, never taken that leap of faith. Some walls were too high to climb, too thick to breach, and JJ had gotten very good at building walls. She'd been doing it her entire life. The funny thing was, while she'd been consciously guarding those walls, keeping her heart protected from harm, Emily had managed to find a way through. A quiet smile, a shared pain, long plane rides and bad coffee had been her tools in undermining JJ's defenses until somehow there she was, within all those carefully constructed walls, waiting patiently for JJ to give up the battle she'd already lost.
And now that she knew it, now that she recognized just how far Emily had worked her way into her heart, she tried desperately not to panic.
It was one thing to know she had feelings for Emily, another to know that Emily had feelings for her, but to put a name to it... to say the words... it terrified her. It made everything real in ways it never had been before.
Was she ready to take that last step? To give words to feelings? To make it real? Even more, was Emily ready to take that step with her? From the beginning it had always felt like more between them. More than just friends, more than just dating. They'd never gotten the chance to see where it would lead, although Emily had accepted without question that they would get there. It had been JJ who had backed away. Would Emily take the chance on her again? Did she even deserve to have Emily take that chance?
There were more questions than answers swirling in her mind and only Emily could answer the most important of them all. But before that could happen, JJ had to find the courage to ask the question. She wasn't there yet... not quite... but every day, with every smile and look she shared with Emily, she was getting closer.
She just wasn't close enough.
*
"What's the verdict," JJ asked as Morgan and Hotch walked into the ER waiting area.
"The Director's just glad the explosion wasn't caused by us this time," Hotch answered sardonically. "A handful of people killed is nothing compared to what would have happened if we hadn't gone in, not to mention this all could have been avoided if Wells hadn't tried to play hero."
"Wells will take most of the heat for this, and Cyrus should take the rest," Morgan said. "I saw the look on that girl's face before she blew the building - Cyrus had a hold on her something fierce."
"There'll be an incident investigation," Hotch continued, "but it should be purely pro-forma. Reid and Prentiss performed well above and beyond the call on this one. Speaking of which, where are they?"
"They took Prentiss to X-rays," JJ answered, slightly annoyed. "They wouldn't let me go in with her because of the radiation." Since the end of the standoff, JJ hadn't left Prentiss' side for any reason. She'd even sent Hotch to go recover Emily's go-bag so the brunette would have a clean change of clothes instead of hospital scrubs. "Reid's down in the cafeteria with Rossi. He's got some bruised ribs and smoke inhalation, but he's fine."
"That kid needs a damn good luck charm," Morgan muttered ruefully.
"Actually, I think he's his own good luck charm," Hotch said, smiling slightly. Both men had an obvious soft-spot for Reid, something neither would ever willingly admit.
One of the nurses walked over, recognizing JJ. "Agent Jareau, I thought you'd like to know we've moved Agent Prentiss to a private room upstairs so she can clean up while the doctor reviews the x-rays. She's in room 221 if you want to go up."
"Thank you."
Hotch handed her Emily's bag. "We'll go find Reid."
JJ hitched the bag onto her shoulder and went to find the elevators, stopping just long enough to buy a cup of coffee out of an automatic machine in the hallway. From the look of it the coffee was going to taste terrible but JJ doubted Emily would care. After all, bad coffee was still better than no coffee at all. She found room 221 and knocked softly, waiting a moment before walking in.
Emily was sitting on the bed, listening to the doctor as he finished writing a prescription. Prentiss waved her into the room with a weak smile.
"How's the patient?"
"Very lucky," the doctor answered without looking up. "There's no concussion or intracranial bleeding, and the facial bones are in tact. A minor miracle considering the beating she took. She does have two fractured ribs though, and the bruises and cuts are going to take some time to heal. She needs to be out of the field for at least two weeks."
"I'll make sure to tell Hotch," JJ promised, grinning at Emily.
"Aw, man, desk duty for two weeks is gonna suck."
"You're going to be very sore for the next few days Agent Prentiss," Doctor Barnes continued. "Is there anyone who can stay with you? Help you out? Even ordinary activities like bending over to pick up the newspaper are going to be quite painful."
"I'll be fine-"
"-I'll stay with her," JJ answered, cutting Emily off. The brunette looked over, surprised.
"JJ you don't have to..."
"I'll stay with you," JJ said again, her tone at once gentle but firm, daring Emily to argue with her.
To her credit, Prentiss knew when to shut up. "Okay."
"That settles it then," Barnes smiled, tearing off a paper from his prescription pad. "This is for some pain killers, just enough to get you through until you can go see your primary care physician in Virginia. You can get it filled at the pharmacy downstairs."
"Thank you, Doctor Barnes."
"Thank you, Agent Prentiss. From what I heard if it wasn't for you and the other agents I'd have a lot more bodies in my ER tonight." He shook her hand firmly and excused himself, leaving JJ and Emily alone in the room.
Prentiss eyed the styrofoam cup in JJ's hand. "Is that coffee?"
"They didn't have any Splenda."
"I don't care. It's coffee." Emily took the cup gratefully, drinking and wincing at the same time as her ribs twinged in pain. "Damn it, that's going to be inconvenient," she muttered, taking a slower sip before setting the cup aside. "Do I have time to shower?"
"Well, Reid's on his second course down in the cafeteria, so I think you've got some time."
The nurses had done their best cleaning up the soot and blood from Emily's face and hands, but three days in the same clothes was just gross and she knew she'd feel infinitely better once she was cleaned up and in a fresh set of clothes. "What's the word from Quantico?"
"Positive so far. The Director's happy the body count's low."
"Not low enough," Prentiss muttered. She took her bag from JJ and started pulling out clothes.
"You should know Strauss sent me your file."
Emily's hands stilled. She asked carefully, "You mean my CV and profile?"
"No," JJ answered slowly. "Your entire file."
Prentiss cursed under her breath. "Of course she did... something goes wrong, you gotta have a scapegoat." It wasn't the first time she'd gotten tagged with that label and she doubted it would be the last.
"You want to talk about it?"
"Strauss can kiss my ass..."
"I meant Montana." Emily cursed again, louder. "That's the nightmare, right? That's where you got shot."
"That's where I got shot," Prentiss confirmed softly, not daring to look up at JJ. "That's the nightmare."
"The file said-
"-What's in that file," Emily cut off sharply, "that's not even half of what actually happened there."
"Then tell me what did happen."
"I should shower and-"
"They'll wait Emily," JJ said gently, stepping closer. She reached over, resting her hand on Prentiss' shoulder until the brunette finally turned to look at her. "You can't carry it around forever. Tell me what happened."
Maybe it was the exhaustion, or the headache pounding behind her eyes. Maybe it was the memories that had plagued her for the last three days inside the compound, scraping her raw inside and out. And maybe it was the way JJ was looking at her, blue eyes gone dark with warmth and compassion, a promise of understanding. Whatever it was in that moment, Emily felt herself give in when all sense of self-preservation told her to run. She sat back down on the bed. JJ sat next to her.
"I bounced around the mid-west after the Academy, Chicago, St. Louis, but eventually I ended up in Indianapolis. Still, I didn't stay behind a desk very long. There's not exactly a plethora of female field agents, and with my language expertise, I got loaned out for under-cover assignments most of the time. Some went as planned, and some didn't, and when things didn't go as planned it was easier to blame the rookie. It was easier to blame the girl. I'm not saying I didn't make mistakes - I made plenty - but I wasn't reckless."
JJ tried to picture anyone calling Prentiss 'reckless' and couldn't manage it. She'd never met anyone so cool and collected, so all together present and in control of herself at a crime scene. It was something JJ had always envied a little.
"About two and a half years before I was transferred to the BAU, I got assigned to help out with a joint ATF-FBI task force investigating a religious compound in Montana - The Mount Zion Resurrection Church. I was told they were being probed for weapons and explosives violations. It was a long term assignment and I fit the profile."
"What was the profile?"
"James Scott, the church leader, was good at recruiting converts. Petty criminals, people with drug and alcohol problems, runaway kids. He took in the lost sheep and gave them a sense of meaning. Belonging. And you know there's no fanatic like a convert." Bitterness tinged her words but there was no way to keep it from her voice. Bitterness and regret were too firmly ingrained with the memories to ever be divided again. "My cover was as the daughter of a rich stockbroker. I'd blown my trust fund on booze and drugs and been disowned by my parents. It was the perfect story - exactly who Scott would prey on. Someone he could 'rescue' and turn into his devoted follower. The first person I met from the church was his daughter, Jenny."
Emily took a breath. She could still see Jenny so clearly in her mind that first day they met. Young and shy, but so full of life. So eager to help people. After Emily's few years in the FBI, Jenny's belief that anyone could change, could do something good with their life, was a refreshing change for the older woman.
"It took a month to get invited up to the ranch," Prentiss continued, exhaustion wearing down her normal barriers to let the memories seep back quietly in her mind. "And another two months before I realized Jenny had feelings for me." JJ looked at her, not at all surprised. "We lived together at the ranch, worked together, night and day. She was twenty-two, completely confused..." Emily paused, remembering that feeling all too well as a teenager, trying to sort out just what she felt when her best friend smiled at her. Funny, even as an adult she still hadn't managed to completely figure that out. "I didn't know how to handle it, so I told my supervisor and ATF contact what was going on."
"What did they say?"
Emily's voice turned ice cold as she said, "they told me to 'use it to my advantage.'"
JJ closed her eyes, disbelieving. "Did you?"
"I didn't sleep with her, if that's what you're asking," Prentiss answered. It was exactly what JJ was asking, and she couldn't help the tiny relief she felt knowing Emily hadn't crossed that line. Even if she had crossed others. "I led her on though. I flirted. I told her all about life outside the ranch. I told her there were places we could go where we'd be accepted. Where her father wasn't the all-powerful controller. A little at a time, I wore her down."
"But my supervisor, Berringer, started getting antsy. I'd already placed listening devices around the ranch, the phones were tapped, but Scott was too smart. In fact, I found the damn weapons cache by accident. Jenny and I snuck out late one night and she took me to the back end of the property by what I thought was the pump-shed for the on-site well. I talked her into opening it up... there were enough weapons there to take a third world country, some C-4, and plenty of gasoline and fertilizer. I left the ranch the next morning and went to ATF and Berringer to tell them about the cache."
"They wanted to storm the place, full tactical assault, which was about the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. You think Benjamin Cyrus had things well planned out and protected? He looked like an amateur compared to James Scott. The question wasn't if women and children would be hurt, but how many. I talked Berringer and ATF into letting me go back in. My cover hadn't been blown, Scott didn't have a clue who I was. I thought I could find a way to get the women and children separated from the main compound, or at the very least, to find a time when everyone's guard was down. What I didn't know, what no one knew, was that one of Scott's men had seen Jenny and I sneak out the night before. He'd gone to Scott that morning. Given how much time we spent together it wasn't hard for Scott to put two and two together."
Emily reached for the coffee and took a long drink, her hand shaking. JJ reached out, resting her hand lightly on the brunette's knee in support. "If you want to stop-"
"-No. I need to tell you this..." she took another steadying breath. "He started screaming the second I walked in, saying I had defiled his daughter, that I'd turned her into a whore."
"My god..."
"He hit me, hard, and I hit him back. Jenny tried to stop him, but his men grabbed us... I knew things were getting out of hand, so I used the pre-arranged distress signal. I found out later that ATF wanted to go in the second they heard I was in trouble, but Berringer... Berringer said to wait. He thought the case could still be saved. When ATF finally decided to go - against Berringer's wishes - it was too late. As soon as Scott saw the SUVs and heard the sirens he knew I was a Fed. He pulled out his gun and just as he fired... just as he fired..." Emily stopped, forcing down a sob as tears started to fall. "Just as he fired Jenny threw herself in front of the gun. The bullets went through her and hit me."
"Oh, Emily..." The report had made Jenny Scott's death sound like an unavoidable consequence of the raid. Nothing more than collateral damage. Now that JJ knew the truth she finally understood why Emily had never been able to shake the young woman's death.
"I know you guys wonder sometimes how I can see the crime scenes and deal with the Un-Subs and never flinch but... once you've held someone in your arms while they beg you to save them, while they tell you how much they love you, once you've seen the life drain out of their eyes... nothing ever compares to that."
So that was it then. That was the nightmare, the part of Emily's past she'd kept hidden from JJ and everyone else. That was the catalyst that had eventually propelled Emily to profiling and the BAU. Without one, there wouldn't have been the other. JJ heard Garcia's voice in her head telling her that everything happened for a reason. She'd never particularly believed that before but she was starting to now.
Prentiss wiped away the tears from her cheeks on the back of her hand, taking a steadying, shuddering breath. For days she'd been fighting that memory, trying to keep it locked away, trying to protect herself from the pain but now that she'd confronted it, the terror had eased. Some. The rest she resolved to deal with later. It was time for the nightmares, current and past, to be over. "I should shower. The guys must be getting antsy to leave."
"No rush," JJ said, squeezing Emily's hand one last time before pulling away. "I'll, uh, wait for you outside."
"Stay?"
JJ could have missed the undercurrent of need in Emily's voice, but not the look in her eyes. She nodded and followed Emily into the bathroom. Prentiss reached for the nozzle to turn on the water, biting back a groan of pain. She could manage what needed to be done, but it was going to hurt like hell and she wasn't looking forward to the next few days even with the aid of pain killers.
"Here, let me." JJ gently pushed away her hands, turning on the water as Emily started to undo the buttons on her blouse. Three days worn, covered in blood, it didn't matter how expensive it had been - she tossed it into the trash without a second thought. JJ gasped as she turned around, the full extent of Emily's injuries no longer hidden. Bruises covered her body, deep purple and blue, scratches and cuts a dull, scabbed over red. Emily started to reach behind her for the clasp of her bra and winced again, ribs protesting the movement. JJ didn't need her to ask, she simply moved behind the brunette, her fingers undoing the clasp easily before sliding it off her body. There was no point in forced modesty, so Emily just stood there as JJ continued to undress her with quiet efficiency, her fingers soft and sure.
The water was just shy of scalding but Emily didn't care. She stood under the nozzle, letting the heat and pounding spray drill away three days worth of sweat and blood and grime. Steam rose, covering the mirror, filling her lungs. She vaguely recognized JJ handing her a soapy cloth to wash with and pouring generic shampoo into her waiting hands. Long after she was clean, she stood under the spray, feeling a sense of herself finally starting to come back. JJ said something Prentiss didn't quite register and turned off the water. Emily stepped out, letting the blonde help her dry off and dress again. Too exhausted to argue, she gave into JJ's insistence on helping her brush out her hair, the angle off just enough to make Prentiss hiss every time she reached up to do it herself. She wasn't used to being cared for, didn't like the weakness it implied, but she let JJ.
Hair still wet, but feeling far more human, Emily looked in the mirror and offered JJ the slightest smile. "You think the guys saved me any food?"
"Probably not, but I bet if you try really hard you can get Hotch to stop at McDonald's on the way to the airport." It was a well-known secret among the team that Prentiss had a soft spot for Egg McMuffins - especially after a hard case. JJ had always assumed it had something to do with all the travelling Emily had done as a child. If there was one thing you could rely on, either in Cheyenne, Wyoming or Rome, Italy, it was the taste of an Egg McMuffin.
Prentiss smiled, the first real smile she'd managed in days. "You know me too well."
"I do now," JJ answered softly.
She held the door open as they walked out together.
Chapter Eleven